Mister Mastodon Farm

It’s been a long day, and I should really be going to bed…but Anne is still out in Riverside, working on “Neverland”, and I know that I won’t be able to sleep until she’s back…
Do any of you married or living-in-sin types feel this way? If I know that she’s staying with one of her friends, or something, I can go to sleep at 9, and sleep like a baby…but if I know that she’s coming home, and I get into bed, I sleep fitfully, and wake with a start after about 90 minutes, absolutely convinced that she’s been smeared all over the freeway.
So I don’t even try to get to sleep now. I just wait up for her, listening to CAKE, and working on the website. I was playing Diablo II:LOD on BattleNet, but the farking lag was so bad, I got killed twice. Reminds me of the old MUDding days, when I’d go to kill Tiamat, and the happy text messages would slow, stop, and then I’d see something like:
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are really hurt, now.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are feeling faint.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are nearly dead.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You have died.
You are near a healer. “Mmblfggzpth,” the Healer says.
I wonder if that’s funny to anyone but me?
Anyway, enough about Lag. Let’s talk about “Neverland”, shall we?
This movie is really amazing. My friend Damion adapted the book “Peter Pan”, and is retelling the story, featuring homeless kids as The Lost Boys, a Transvestite as Tiger Lilly, and a Leather Daddy as Hook. It’s really twisted, and really amazing, too. I play John Darling, and I’m getting to work with a bunch of really accomplished stage actors in this movie.
Because Hook is a S&M guy, we shot in a real-life S&M dungeon on Sunday, and I gotta tell you, it was a really…interesting…experience. I was initially really freaked out by the place, but, after spending quite a bit of time talking with the head Dominatrix who runs the place, I figured out that my feeling freaked out was based entirely on erroneous preconceptions. That world is totally not my thing, but I have a much better understanding of the whole lifestyle. My favoreit moment of the entire day was when she was about to tie me up. I told the still photographer that he couldn’t take any stills of me all bound, because there are freaks out there who will take those pictures and do…unnatural…things with them. She realized that I was that guy from Star Trek, and she told me that I was “her guy” on TNG. I guess she and all her friends chose who their “guys” were, and she choo-choo-choosed me, even though all her friends thought I was a dork.
So when she was tying my hands for the scene, I think she enjoyed it a little too much…but I was flattered, anyway ;-)
We shot today at this really crappy, totally run-down amusement park, that is like a small version of Knott’s Berry Farm, but with traveling carnival rides made permanent, if that makes sense….oh, and there’s about 10 people in the whole place.
Anne, Stephanie, and Elyse (the line producer), and I all went into the “Haunted Mansion”, which was little more than one of those things you see at Coney Island, you know? It’s really just a makeout ride, right? Well, we walked through it…al 25 feet of it, in the dark, “Scooby Doo” style, with just a flashlight. It was very subversive, and we almost got caught by some security drones.
Speaking of Security, I had a callback at Warner Brothers this morning, and holy shit! The security is insane! They checked my ID, and made me open my trunk, and I had to drive around these barriers, like I was going into an embassy. There are all these freaky, Gothic-style posters everywhere, too, extolling the virtues of “checking that mail twice” and “guarding your badge: it’s on you when you’re on the lot!”…they all looked like those old propaganda posters from WWII…but I was happy to see the security, even if it did make me 15 minutes late for my audition.
Speaking of auditions, I did not book the LA LAW gig, but the casting director told my rockin’ managers that I was, and I quote, “far and away the best actor we saw”. She went on to tell them that they cast someone who just looked way more like the guy whose son I would have been playing. At first, I was bummed, because I thought, well, the streak continues…but I feel really good about it. I mean, I absolutely did my best work, with each part of the process that I had any control over.
It also looks like I won’t get the pilot that I had my callback for today, because they are looking for someone more “quirky”, but the casting director really liked what I did, and was impressed with my funny. Trust me, there are worse things in life than having a casting director at Warner Brothers be impressed with my funny! Anyway, it’s only the first week of February, and there’s a lot of pilot season left. This is going to be a good year.
Today’s thought comes from LM:


“Only those who do nothing please everyone.”

94 thoughts on “Mister Mastodon Farm”

  1. and not to harp on the old issue, but i’d pitch in a couple bucks on paypal to give you wife flowers than to give to charity. i’m a freak, whatever, but romance hits closer to home for a lot of people

  2. Hey Wil, I totally relate to the wife-smear-on-the-freeway-thing. Heck, I’m up waiting for MY wife to come home from work. :D
    And had I not been around here for a little while, I’d say something like “OMG! Wil Wheaton plays on BattleNet?!” Now I’m just going…HEY! Wanna play sometime? ;)
    The whole Neverland thing sounds cool. Weird, but cool. I’d be pretty damned freaked in an environment like that meself. :D
    Anywho…I’m blathering ’cause I’m waiting for my wife. Heh!
    Have a great night all!

  3. Sounds like an ah… interesting… movie, Wil. Give us more info… when will it be available? :-) I mean, you all tied up… haha… that’s a joke, ok? Yeah, see this useless ramble is me also waiting up, but unfortunately not for a SO. While you will be having a nice dinner with Mrs. Wheaton I will be spending the day alone… geez I’m depressing myself now… I need to stop. So I will. Goodnite.

  4. Wil,
    All this inside info about Neverland is making me salivate to see it. No sense asking when it will be out, I know you don’t know, and you don’t know when you’ll know, so I’ll just say my ticket’s as good as bought. It’s good when work is fun.
    Dude

  5. Heh…I happen to be a Living-in-sin type thank you…and yes Wil, I -do- understand what that’s like. I work Midnights, my Common Law hubby goes to school during the day.
    He’s gone by the time I get home from work, and I can’t sleep untill he gets home. So I end up only sleeping maybe five hours, before I have to be back at work. :-S
    I know how it goes man, it’s worse when either one of us is away for the week-end (Damn Army training). The other is worried that the one throwing the live grenades might end up comming home with limbs missing or in parts.
    Never happens though. :-)
    I only worry about him eating and being able to amuse himself, never about injuries. I swear, if I wasn’t living with him, he’d never eat, he’d never do laundry, and he’d never leave the house. :-)
    ~Kaylin

  6. Wil, I know what it’s like when your honey is gone and away, and you have no idea where exactly she is. I don’t normally sleep when she is gone, and I work graveyards. I also live in a smaller town, so you’d think there would be less to worry about. Oh no. not my worrywort of a mind. :)
    And I can totally releate to your Mudding experience. I’ve had the same problems.
    But what I enjoyed doing what at a certain level you could ‘emote’ meaning you would type something and the game would print out “Kovar smiles at the goblin”
    I loved freaking players out. typing stuff like
    “Kovar finds a hidden trap door”
    “Kovar leaves down”
    then watch all the players in that particular room trying to find the secret door that didn’t exist.
    Now the movie. Well, being a real life submissive, i’m interested in seeing the movie…heheheh, Unca willy all bound. Give me the giggles. :)
    Anywho, have fun, be young, drink whatever you want.
    Drax’n

  7. This will be the very first time I have posted anything here! I check in often and am always pleased to see that I WAS RIGHT all those years ago when I insisted to all my Trekkie friends that Wesley (and by extension you, Wil) was not to be trashed! BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
    Sorry, The point is I am really excited about you being in the next TNG movie and reading about “Neverland” has got me interested in seeing it and re-reading “Peter Pan.” It’s always fun to re-read something with someone’s “slightly different” adaptaion in mind.
    One last thing, I understand about the staying awake thing as well. My husband is in the military and I can never sleep when I know he’s coming home but I don’t know when.
    ‘Nighty-night!

  8. Hey Wil: I will freely admit that I too, choo-choo-choosed you as “my guy” on TNG.
    Well, I suppose I should clarify that — blasphemy I know, but I was the black sheep in my group of friends when it came to being an avid Star Trek fan (ie. I am not one). BUT! If my pals bound me to a chair [see, I'm subtly referencing your S&M comments!] and forced me to watch the series, at least I would do my part in raising a fist to the sky and shouting, “Wil Wheaton better make an appearance, by god!” ;)
    By the way, in the Scooby Doo-esque “Haunted Mansion” scenario — were you Fred or Shaggy? :)

  9. There I was…lying in bed…and I couldn’t sleep because my hubby-to-be (yes – we’re the livin’-in-sin type) is still down town at work. So, I decided to get out of bed, check out this site and lo and behold I see that Wil Wheaton (and others as judging from comments above) is up feeling roughly the same way I do. Of course, part of my being up also has to do with the fact that I’m still reeling a little bit from 9-11. :( I moved to New York three days before it happened, so I’m still a little jumpy when I’m by myself and hubby-to-be is away. It’s nice to see, though, that others are up with me, too. :)
    Neverland sounds really cool and, well, odd. Can’t wait till it comes out.
    By the way Wil, I wanted to say with regards to the Valentine’s Day thing – You can please the people some of the time, but you can’t please the people all of the time. Don’t beat yourself up over it- it’s not worth it- the majority of us still love you! :)

  10. I can relate to the smeared on the freeway thing, only it’s my kid I’m convinced is lying somewhere bleeding to death. If he tells me he’s not coming home that night, fine (whathefuk, he’s 18, he can do that), I don’t leave a light on and I fall asleep. If he doesn’t mention it (oh bytheway, I’m going God knows where and staying out until daybreak, but don’t worry, I’m not screwing anything with cooties), the tiny little annoying light gets left on in the living room, and I wake up every 20 minutes to see if the light’s gone out. Then I worry, and cuss his little ass out (mentally of course) for having the balls to have a life and stay out. If the Spouse Thingy isn’t home… eh, I sleep. But we’ve been married 20 years.
    And cheezus, you think WB has security, try living on an Air Force Base right now!

  11. Loose lips sink ships.
    Is this trip really necessary?
    The enemy may be listening.
    60 years from now, will there be any remembered phrases from today’s conflict other than “Let’s roll!” (TM) ?

  12. Fucknuts.
    I’ve been playing Diablo on Battle Net, waiting for Anne to get home, and, no joke, as soon as she walks in, and I’ve gotten Diablo down to about 20% remaining, with my level 27 Druid, the craptastic BattleNet CRASHES! Boots me off, and everything.
    Oh well. It was time to go to sleep, anyhow :)

  13. Fucknuts.
    I’ve been playing Diablo on Battle Net, waiting for Anne to get home, and, no joke, as soon as she walks in, and I’ve gotten Diablo down to about 20% remaining, with my level 27 Druid, the craptastic BattleNet CRASHES! Boots me off, and everything.
    Oh well. It was time to go to sleep, anyhow :)

  14. LA Law? Still exists?
    Good, it really is pilot season. I thought my actor email-pal was making that up so he didn’t have to answer my email. Good luck with that avant-garde sounding movie, and as this guy named Bill Mallonnee once sang, “Sometimes you can’t please everyone, sometimes you can’t please anyone at all, you sew your heart onto your sleeve and wait for the axe to fall…”

  15. Ugh…I liked Diablo 2 when it first came out. The Druid was alright, but I seriously Dig the Amazon.
    I never play on Battlenet, simply because I hate the PKer’s that frequent the place, that and all the Guilds trying to recruit newbies. *rolls eyes*
    Anyways, have a good night Wil, and smooch that Lady of yours a few times to let her know you’re happy she’s home…alive…and in one peice.
    ~Kaylin

  16. i have to wait up for my partner in sin even when he is home. i can’t get to sleep in an empty bed now so i end up like i did last night, slumped in the corner of his office watching him reinstalling another puter until the early hours of the morning.
    oh, i love peter pan. it is the saddest book i have ever read. i nearly cried at the end when he came back for wendy but was scared of her because she had grown up. oops, hope everyone else has already read it.

  17. If my fiance is away from home, I don’t even try to go to sleep. I just sit on the couch and play ‘What Twisted Scenario Can I Think Up Next?’. I’m no stranger to the “slippery slope”.
    If I’m gone, he worries about me, too… although he has the good sense to worry IN BED, in case he actually falls asleep. However, without fail, he’s wide awake when I get home.
    Paranoia is the #1 sign of true love, my friends.

  18. Wil wrote:
    “It also looks like I won’t get the pilot that I had my callback for today, because they are looking for someone more “quirky”…”
    Oh, come on. We’ve read your web site – you’re PLENTY quirky.
    What IS the matter with them?

  19. Okay, my eyeballs are dissolving. I’ve been online waaaay too long and my guy is home, so I should be in bed. Just wanted to say good luck during pilot season. The mojo will be set to ‘continuous flow’. G’night, all…

  20. HEH
    my boyfriend lives quite a while away from me and every time he comes down to visit, no matter how he’s travelling, i’m convinced that will be the end.
    i always thought i was just a pessimist. but obviously it’s a normal thing to feel!

  21. Sounds like “Neverland” should be a lot more fun than “Hook”. (Although that does sound a bit like I’m damning it with faint praise, given how bad “Hook” was – but I digress).
    Probably a bit late now but remember to tense your muscles in your forearms next time; it can give you just enough slack in the ropes to escape. It also helps if you can dislocate your thumb at will. And remember that there will always be a sharp rock or a bit of glass or a circular saw or something that you can cut the ropes with. Or have I watched too many “Charlie’s Angels” episodes?

  22. OK. Let me get straight: Wil gets tied up in a S&M dungeon by a “Wesley Crusher” ST fan and it is on film. Life IS good. :-) By the way, I am glad your wife got home.

  23. I’m the same way, after 7 years of marriage. I just can’t sleep if I know he’ll be home ‘eventually’. And I’m married to a computer programmer/sysadmin, so there’s a lot of nights when he’ll be home ‘when we’re done’, and a lot of times that becomes 4am, and I wake up every ten minutes and I can’t call him at work because odds are he’s in the server room and not reachable.
    Quirky? Wil is Qwirky!
    Good luck on pilot auditions, the world Needs More Wil!

  24. OK… so I understand the worried bit. Even if I am no longer married, when my kids are returning home, and even the slightest bit late I think… yep they are hurt. There are times when my boyfriend is running late, and I get bad visions. And I understand the lag issue thing too, even though my “poison” wasnt Diablo II.
    Good quote today. I learned a long time ago, you cant make EVERYONE happy. Just try not to piss of the important ones :)
    Amy

  25. I’ll say this for time zones-it’s kinda wild seeing lots of activity on the board appear between the time I go to bed and the time I check this site before working.
    I am definitely that way with my wife. Before we had our daughter, she was working in IS for a health care facility, which would usually mean she could get called in at odd hours of the night or she might have to work the graveyard shift to do an install. I’d never be able to sleep well on those nights until she at least called to let me know she got in safely. And I was a complete wreck when she was pregnant and still had to do that.
    Neverland sounds really…warped, but definitely an original take on things. I just know there’s a smart-ass comment somewhere about the whole “Wil being tied” thing, but it’s just too early for me to find it.
    Besides, whatever I come up with would be blown away by a Spudnuts comment anyway. :)
    Sorry you didn’t get those two gigs. I had heard about the LA Law reunion (I assume that this was the big time MOW your were referring to in earlier entries)and was looking forward to seeing it, but it would have been even cooler if you had been in it. Still, if I understand the “system” correctly, it sounds good that you’ve lodged yourself in the heads of some casting directors, which I think means they ought to be considering you a lot more in the future.
    Be good-especially if there’s more of these Dominatrix scenes ;) By the way-what was Anne’s reaction to that?

  26. Well guess what? Mr. Wheaton (sir) you really
    really rally ARE like everyone else…and yes
    that’s fine..or maybe a little scary if you
    consider some of the folks in your posse..
    But hey its ok…and we return again and again to
    the scene of the crime just to make sure you
    ARE still one of us. We love you uncle willy
    Sidebar note..I nominate myself as the president
    of the Spudnuts and Roughy fan club.
    “Spudnuts and Roughy”..Would’t that make a great
    cartoon!

  27. WIL! You got Fark to take down the link too! I should never have said anything! There are more people who understood what was going on than not. And someone else (was you?) was right when they said that it was probably because of the bloggies. It isn’t anyone that knows you! HA HA! At least I got MY donation in!
    Brandy

  28. They fight…
    And bite…
    And fight and bite and fight…
    The Spudnuts and Roughy Show!
    I really ought to get to work now…

  29. Being married is a wierd thing… or more to the point, it does weird things too you.
    Unable to sleep when spouse is not home yet is probably just one of the normal things… I would say that if you did NOT feel the way you do when your spouse is not at home, then something is wrong.. :)

  30. Wil,
    I really do wish you luck. You have such a positive attitude. I have a question, though. What happens when you get sick?? I mean today I have a totally bad cold and stuff, and I’m wondering how you manage such things when you have such a tight schedule.
    Also, did you happen to check out the Naked Dancing Llama? I was hoping you would.
    Chris

  31. my school (I teach at a 7-12 high school) did Peter Pan a few weeks ago and I helped out with it. after reading the post about the “s&M Cap’n Hook” I don’t think I can face the kid who played hook without roflao now. it’s not a good thing when we boring teachers think this way hehe.
    amellia

  32. Hey Wil!
    I definitely understand the MUD reference… what did you play? ROM 2.4 based or LP? I can’t believe you were a mudder.. it takes so much time and you don’t seem like someone that has much.

  33. I feel like a dork cuz I’m usually a lurker. I like to read, but rarely contribute. I know exactly how it feels to try to sleep without the significant other next to you. My hubby’s in the active duty Army. It’s not being splattered on the freeway I’m worried about, though. Security seems tight at the studio? Ha, try getting on post at one of the more famous Army posts in the nation. Random vehicle searches, ID (as in military) checks, and guys with big guns are the norm.
    “Neverland” on a ‘brighter’ note sounds like fun. I really like when someone takes a child’s fairy tale and turns it into something sick and twisted for adults. Makes me think of that Reese Witherspoon movie that was based on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

  34. Sounds like you’ve been busy! Good for you! Unfortunately my acting luck hasn’t been on the up and up. Oh well… what can you do, right? Just keep plugging. I wish you luck on the rest of the pilot season!

  35. HOLY SHIT, you play D2:LOD too?? this amazes me, i never would have suspected it… in fact i was playing at roughly the same time you were last night… if you ever want help leveling or doing a quest or running some cow levels, /w *daeronos and see if im on… im a level 83 necro (and no, i dont summon lag monsters) and id be honored to play along-side with you

  36. Damn! If someone did take a Big Bondage Willy’s Big Bondage Boat Ride photo it could have wound up on FARK in a Photoshop contest.
    Oh well, it’s probably for the best.
    Of course, FARK could come up with a Photoshop contest of an ordinary Wil Wheaton photo and ask people to photoshop it into bondage scenes…
    (Wil, I know you’ll hate me if this comes to pass – if it does, I’m sorry. A little.)

  37. Ooh, you didn’t have to go to Castle Park, did you? That place is pretty weak.
    Choo-choo-choose you. LOL. Sad I got that one. (I spend WAY too much time in front of the telly.)

  38. Wil,
    You were into MUDing? Though I didn’t think it possible, you’re even geekier than you look! For some reason people aren’t as interested in MUDding anymore now that there’s MMPOGs like Everquest and Dark Age of Camelot out there. Anyway, I’m still a loyal mudaholic. Since you brought up the subject of MUDs and most of the people who read these boards probably have no idea what a MUD is like, I’ll suggest one. Try Shades of Glory at shades.darktech.org 1234.
    Dragonlance themed MUD, interesting players, nice Immortals. I’m letting you know that at least one person found your MUD reference funny. Mostly funny because you say you actually could kill Tiamat. Just out of curiosity, what MUDs did you frequent?

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