Mister Mastodon Farm

It’s been a long day, and I should really be going to bed…but Anne is still out in Riverside, working on “Neverland”, and I know that I won’t be able to sleep until she’s back…
Do any of you married or living-in-sin types feel this way? If I know that she’s staying with one of her friends, or something, I can go to sleep at 9, and sleep like a baby…but if I know that she’s coming home, and I get into bed, I sleep fitfully, and wake with a start after about 90 minutes, absolutely convinced that she’s been smeared all over the freeway.
So I don’t even try to get to sleep now. I just wait up for her, listening to CAKE, and working on the website. I was playing Diablo II:LOD on BattleNet, but the farking lag was so bad, I got killed twice. Reminds me of the old MUDding days, when I’d go to kill Tiamat, and the happy text messages would slow, stop, and then I’d see something like:
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are really hurt, now.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are feeling faint.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You are nearly dead.
Tiamat’s Claw EVISCERATES Shaft!
You have died.
You are near a healer. “Mmblfggzpth,” the Healer says.
I wonder if that’s funny to anyone but me?
Anyway, enough about Lag. Let’s talk about “Neverland”, shall we?
This movie is really amazing. My friend Damion adapted the book “Peter Pan”, and is retelling the story, featuring homeless kids as The Lost Boys, a Transvestite as Tiger Lilly, and a Leather Daddy as Hook. It’s really twisted, and really amazing, too. I play John Darling, and I’m getting to work with a bunch of really accomplished stage actors in this movie.
Because Hook is a S&M guy, we shot in a real-life S&M dungeon on Sunday, and I gotta tell you, it was a really…interesting…experience. I was initially really freaked out by the place, but, after spending quite a bit of time talking with the head Dominatrix who runs the place, I figured out that my feeling freaked out was based entirely on erroneous preconceptions. That world is totally not my thing, but I have a much better understanding of the whole lifestyle. My favoreit moment of the entire day was when she was about to tie me up. I told the still photographer that he couldn’t take any stills of me all bound, because there are freaks out there who will take those pictures and do…unnatural…things with them. She realized that I was that guy from Star Trek, and she told me that I was “her guy” on TNG. I guess she and all her friends chose who their “guys” were, and she choo-choo-choosed me, even though all her friends thought I was a dork.
So when she was tying my hands for the scene, I think she enjoyed it a little too much…but I was flattered, anyway ;-)
We shot today at this really crappy, totally run-down amusement park, that is like a small version of Knott’s Berry Farm, but with traveling carnival rides made permanent, if that makes sense….oh, and there’s about 10 people in the whole place.
Anne, Stephanie, and Elyse (the line producer), and I all went into the “Haunted Mansion”, which was little more than one of those things you see at Coney Island, you know? It’s really just a makeout ride, right? Well, we walked through it…al 25 feet of it, in the dark, “Scooby Doo” style, with just a flashlight. It was very subversive, and we almost got caught by some security drones.
Speaking of Security, I had a callback at Warner Brothers this morning, and holy shit! The security is insane! They checked my ID, and made me open my trunk, and I had to drive around these barriers, like I was going into an embassy. There are all these freaky, Gothic-style posters everywhere, too, extolling the virtues of “checking that mail twice” and “guarding your badge: it’s on you when you’re on the lot!”…they all looked like those old propaganda posters from WWII…but I was happy to see the security, even if it did make me 15 minutes late for my audition.
Speaking of auditions, I did not book the LA LAW gig, but the casting director told my rockin’ managers that I was, and I quote, “far and away the best actor we saw”. She went on to tell them that they cast someone who just looked way more like the guy whose son I would have been playing. At first, I was bummed, because I thought, well, the streak continues…but I feel really good about it. I mean, I absolutely did my best work, with each part of the process that I had any control over.
It also looks like I won’t get the pilot that I had my callback for today, because they are looking for someone more “quirky”, but the casting director really liked what I did, and was impressed with my funny. Trust me, there are worse things in life than having a casting director at Warner Brothers be impressed with my funny! Anyway, it’s only the first week of February, and there’s a lot of pilot season left. This is going to be a good year.
Today’s thought comes from LM:


“Only those who do nothing please everyone.”

94 thoughts on “Mister Mastodon Farm”

  1. Mister Mastodon Farm is the best song Cake ever made. I don’t understand what the hell it’s about, but it suuure is groovy.

  2. Tis funny that you’d be worried about stills of you all tied up. People are gonna take vidcaps of the scene like crazy when Neverland hits VHS/DVD.
    Besides considering there’s “fake” nude pics of you floating out there, does it really matter anymore?
    *evil grin*
    But I digress… Neverland sounds WAY interesting… I’m really looking forward to it and will probably buy the DVD.
    As for mudding… I still do it… I’ve been faithful to the best mud ever, Chalacyn Nights, for 5 years now. I may stop for a while here and there but I never feel the inclination to go elsewhere… even to “upgrade” to graphical ones like Everquest.
    My SO when we first started being serious was saying he wanted me to try out Diablo 2 if he came to Chalacyn with me but hmm…. its been a year and he hasn’t pushed but we spend our available time on Chalacyn still!!
    God i love that place… I miss it cause the owners moved on Dec 31st and they’re waiting for the new high bandwidth connection at their new place before they can put the Triworlds back up.
    *suffering Chalacyn withdrawal*
    Anyways… how geeky am I that all I have to do is wake up, roll over and turn the monitor on to be online… the knock knock of Yahoo made me do it and it was the momma so I started talking to her… then browsed over here while I wait for her to tell me the latest…

  3. btw… those who do nothing… piss a bunch of people off for being lazy good for nothing bums…
    good luck on the pilots, audition for something on the 70s show!!

  4. Mr. Wheaton, SIR!
    Rather disappointing. Everyone knows that you should always stay sanc’d up when fighting Tiamat or Ares or the like. The Great Red Dragon and the big green dragon (as opposed to the one in the cave west of Midgaard, near Arachnos) can generally be taken without sancing up, though you have to watch out for big red’s fire breath.
    Sucks to lose a bag filled with quest eq, neh?
    Personally, I always liked the bug where mobs would go nuts if you used too many charmies on them. I’ll see if I have a log of that somewhere….
    It doesn’t suck as bad as getting rocked in a 17-on-1 pk, though there’s a certain amount of glory in taking down four of those 17 in the process.
    Lust that, bizzatch.
    JSc, recovering mudder.

  5. Well, Wil and all, I am married, have been for over four years now, and my better half and I have never spent a night apart during all this time… So I’m I don’t know what it’s like – and I’m bloody sure I don’t want to find out…
    As to the whole idea of taking you wife out for V-Day on WWDN – I think you should! She’s a saint for putting up with being an “internet widow”, because I wouldn’t be so generous with my husband’s time. So she (and you) SO deserves a whole evening for just the two of you.

  6. Oh yes, the pain of MUD lag. I remember playing over a 2400baud modem when I was in middle school. To make it worse, since the freenet I was using only allowed limited Telnet access, I had to telnet to a sister freenet, and then telnet to the MUD from there.
    LAAAAAAAAAG
    It was painful, but what else are you gonna do? Go outside?!?

  7. LOL I often talk about playing Chalacyn over a 2400 baud modem that first year… (Fall 96-Spring 97)
    Esp when people these days bitch about the Lag overly much. It happens… be smart and don’t attempt big fights.

  8. “Neverland” sounds amazingly like the old Jim Steinman (Meat Loaf’s songwriter) idea of the same name – with the lost boys as a teenage motercycle gang. Just about any good Meat Loaf song you’ve ever heard was probably based on that idea. I’m looking forward to it.

  9. I think we should get Bendependent to do a Spudnut and Roughy cartoon!
    Ben! I know you’re reading this! Ben!
    How much do you charge for flash toons?

  10. Hi Wil,
    I really shouldn’t visit your site while I am at work. My assistant keeps catching me surfing. I just can’t seem to wait until I get all the way home though. I have absolutely no clue about all the games you talk about but it sounds like you’re good at them. (Mental note – give hubby a big hug and kiss tonight for not being interested in video games).
    I really am going to have to check out ‘Neverland’. Who would have ever imagined, Wil Wheaton in bondage gear. Interesting. I used to have trouble sleeping when hubby was out and about but I got over it. I think that’s a good thing, lol.
    Anyway, back to work, my boss keeps walking by my office, checking up on me (sheesh).

  11. I met my husband online in a MUd (which is sad I guess, heh) well a paid MUD…Gemstone 3…years ago after it first came on AOL. Talk about expensive gaming then, ugh.
    Anyway, two years later after we each had time and several trips with other people there to make sure the other was not a complete psycho, I moved out and a few years after that we were married. Occasionally I will visit my parents here and there. Not much fun in flying across the country alone without your husband…and he always says how nervewracking it was for the week until I came back. “What if you were killed and I wasn’t there with you!” I miss him too, but he’s even worse than I am. ;)
    Even five years after we’ve been living together (our third wedding anniversary is in March) I still get horribly nervous and anxious if he’s late…once he was an hour and a half late (the train station is fifteen minutes away) and my stomach was most twisty.
    Every day when I see him after our respective workdays are over, it is the best feeling…like, now I can do anything because everything that matters is right here.

  12. Jeez. Paying to mud? I seriously can’t imagine that.
    Then again, people pay for slightly worse things like heroin, crack, meth, etc.
    Hm. Since everyone else is dropping mud names, I may as well join the crowd….
    I cut my mudding teeth on Sanctuary (the mud, not that bizarre S&M chat that was operating under the name “Sanctuary” for a while), then on to Carrion Fields and Illusions of the Mind (IotM is utterly worthless, the head imp is a crazed wench. But that’s part of a far more amusing delving into the depths of her insanity, to be saved for a future story!). I spent a little time at Medievia (which will sell you mud eq for RL cash. How cracked is that?), then World’s End and Aydindril, where I did a little imming. I’m currently trying not to play another mud called “The Great Hunt,” despite how entertaining it is to log in and pkill everyone in range….
    I have to say, though, that playing an engr on TFC is almost as entertaining as playing an elf mage back on Sanc….

  13. Ack, sorry about the auditions. The community theater I do is really a lot less to worry about, but I empathize.
    Ah, I miss those days of MUDding. Did it at school, where it was “free”(well, besides that pesky tuition and room/board). Enjoyed it for a while, met some people. When it started shifting to pay for play, and when I had to pay for dialup sessions, obviously I reconsidered. :)
    *sigh*

  14. *Still laughing over the Tiamat’s claws eviscerates SHAFT bit*
    Ah yes. I remember muds. Today they have a fancy new name – MMORPGs, and brand-spakin’shiny new graphics but they’re just as evil as before, and lag kills you just as badly if not worse.
    Wil you’re such a geek – dat’s why I love ya!

  15. Wil, sorry to hear about disappointing call-backs. . . way to keep a good atiitude about it all, tho. Sending you mojo for the rest of pilot season.
    PS glad Anne got home okay.

  16. I think I’ll love “neverland” I always like the different takes on old tales
    favorites:
    freeway – reese witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland in a little red riding hood take-off
    freeway 2 – Natasha Lyonne and david allen greir in a take off of hansel and gretel
    and
    tromio and juliette – troma’s take on romeo and juliette
    hope to add nvrland to this list soon :P

  17. I’m livin’ in sin, and I feel the same way. If my boyfriend isn’t back from class when he’s supposed to be, or late getting home from work, I can’t do anything but worry. These aren’t usually “sleep” times, but the worry requires pretty much my full attention too. It’s love.

  18. wow…hook me up with the info on that movie! ive been waiting for this forever! no…not really…i just think its funny…but im gonna make all my friends go see it with me! i tell them my fave site is WWDN, and theyre like, what? oh the star trek guy?
    so i gotta show them that this guy wil (sir!…buahahah i love that…all those ppl who call you sir) can do some serious acting!
    nice!

  19. Wil, my husband does the exact same thing. He is a military pilot (he flies helo’s) and even though he is the one with the dangerous job, he worries about me coming home from a class late or studying too late at the library. And Lord forbid I’m late, he gets all worried and scared…and hugs me for 5 minutes as soon as I walk in the door-like I’ve narrowly escaped death or something. It’s a wonderful thing to have your mate and best friend love you so much, and exhibit genuine, heartfelt concern for you-even if it keeps them up in the wee hours of the night,I feel very fortunate for this. When he’s off on a mission, he says he never sleeps as good as he does when he’s at home with me. (That’s when I’m up late praying like mad that his helo stays in the air and he comes home intact) You’re a good husband Wil, she’s very lucky.

  20. Somehow….I can’t stop…..I am addicted….can’t get enough of Wil and his posse. Do they have 12 step programs for this sort of thing?

  21. NO “Sedthegirl”(neat name) there is not! And we are all very glad for that so don’t anyone go and invent one…
    Spudnuts and Roughy Show!
    Spudnuts and Roughy Show!
    You just have to go……
    You can’t say no………
    Spudnuts and Roughy Show!
    Spudnuts and Roughy Show!
    This time they went so low
    It gives them room to grow!
    Hm perhaps tooooo much liquid refreshment here.

  22. you know, ive decided…when i first saw the whole store and all the merchandise, i was like, “woah there horsie…have a drink of water…”
    coz yeah…that and im not one for online shopping…
    but ima gonna have to get me some of that WWDN swag…coz im totally part of the posse! i am the posse for christs sake! (kay, i wont go that far…) and i want a william farking shatner mig or something…and the chocolates! yeah man!
    im off to do a little shopping

  23. Don’t know if anyone will see this…but fucking BattleNet not only crashed, it took all my experience, close to 60K gold, and somehow killed off my hireling.
    Grumble.

  24. That sucks. It reminds me of when the network goes down at work and eats my Access databases. I know it’s not QUITE the same… but I feel your pain.

  25. After almost 15 years of marriage and 2 of engagement before that, I can say I still don’t sleep well if he’s not home. He’s an OB/Gyn and so subject to weird jaunts at all hours. I think it means the “L” word, dude. Congrats to you and Anne and I’ll be praying that it continues.

  26. Let me guess – the “small version of Knott’s” wouldn’t happen to be Castle Park in Riverside, would it? The local radio station gave tickets away once – which I won – and I had no clue where this place was. I live near Death Valley – really – and drove there. The kids loved it – but I’d rather go to Knott’s!
    I’ve been known to worry about my spouse and also don’t sleep well when he’s gone. Not only do I think about if he’s smeared on the street somewhere, but sometimes I catch myself trying to figure out what to do after the funeral… How to handle the kids… then I usually snap back to reality and either stay up late on the computer or read until my eyes won’t stay open. By the looks of the posts, you aren’t the only one.

  27. Don’t worry “bluecat-redblanket” (interesting…) I certainly won’t be starting a program for Wil Wheaton junkies anytime soon. Am enjoying being a voyer of the internet underbelly….. =) And I SO don’t know any of the game stuff you all talk about is, but like a car accident, I can’t help but watch.

  28. Wil,
    ARGH!! Damned Batternet server!
    You still interested in the book ‘Computer Exorcisms and other Banishings of Digital Demons’?
    I can send it post haste. :-)
    ~Kaylin

  29. Dear Wil
    Thanks for sticking up for the SM community. I’ve worked at various clubs (and yes, even done some stuff…) and there are some wonderful people in the scene. Though I would add that there’s not really just one lifestyle. There are a lot of different tastes, but the common denominator is ‘safe, sane and consensual’. People who don’t stick to that get a bad reputation and find themselves very unpopular, very fast…
    Not so long ago I saw a program where a group of people visited a club, had a laugh, even did some stuff and seemed to enjoy it… then the next day they were going on about how weird everyone was etc… Thanks for having the integrity to say what you really found to be the truth.
    The movie sounds cool. But you have to know those pictures are going to end up on the web…

  30. Wil –
    You only *think* there were no photos taken of you that day…
    (snicker)
    Oh, I’m kidding, damnit.
    Saadia

  31. You would have to be 6’6″ or taller to be any quirkier!
    Waiting for your other-half to get home at night is the pits…..I have given up trying to sleep, I read WWDN instead…

  32. hey, isn’t evisceration sort of a one-time-only kind of event? Just asking, because it might be important someday.
    i’m feeling faint

  33. YES, YES, YES! I used to MUD on an old (even back in ’95) 286 laptop with a 2400 baud connection. I got very, very used to fighting in the Descent to Hell (vanilla Rom2.4) with about 5-10 seconds of lag time, and that was with a smooth connection. Most of the time the Lawyer from Hell would end up mincing me with his vampiric teeth before I could quaff enough pink potions or eat enough stooky glands to keep my hp up. But when I did finally beat him, what a feeling!
    Ah, the memories :)

  34. Wil,
    If you ever want some benevolent and social D2:LoD companions to watch your back in a laggy game, contact me at [email protected] and if I’m here, we can hook up and thrash some baddies.
    I usually have 2-3 friends around, and we all love reading your site (I hit it at least bi-daily). We make a good support team.
    This is gonna sound cheesy, but it’s kinda like we know you already thanks to this, and I’m pretty certain you’d get along well with all of us despite our internet insanity. :)
    And BTW, it is very normal to feel like that (regarding Anne). I live five hours from where my girlfriend goes to university and I get freaked out if she doesn’t drop me a line to let me know she’s at home, -every night-. And I’m not a nutcase, so by my reasoning, neither are you.
    :D

  35. Will
    I always thought you were ( and still are ) a great actor and after being turned on to you site I find that your also a great writer and

  36. Gah! I ~really~ wan’t to see never land now, which means I need to harass the indie theatres to getit in ;>
    Looks ~very~ cool.

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