Mirror, Mirror

I’m in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I’m on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn’t see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, “you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more.”
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can’t take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I’m about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, “Wait!”
I lift up the box of cards, and he’s looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
“Hey, I don’t want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out.” His green eyes implore me to release him.
“Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you’re worthless.”
“Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn’t even anyone to talk to!”
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can’t believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
“You’re right, Wesley. You can’t stay in this box any longer. It’s just not right. I’m going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two.”
“You mean…you’re going to put me on eBay?”
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
“Shut up, Wesley.”

214 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror”

  1. Loose “Wesley” figures ARE NOT worthless!!!
    I get $3-4 for them at the flea market!

  2. hi wil, i have to say, i really enjoyed this entry. I think That you still should create a book of all your thoughts and little sayings – espcially including this one!
    I come from england and what i want to know is, how come it’s possible for us to understand your humour and find it funny, but you americans struggle to understand ours??

  3. Hey, I would have taken that Wesley figure. I’ve got a little Xena figure that has little Marcus Cole, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Julian Bashir on leashes. I could have added Wes to the mix … The little bastard would have been glad you sold him. *chortle*

  4. Wow.
    The bids are up to almost a hundred bucks.
    Totally surreal.
    I wish I had some MrsVeteran action figures still lying around — especially the ones with the Kung-Fu grip — ’cause I could sure use some pin money.
    Why couldn’t I have been on Star Wars??? I would be an eBazillionaire!
    Er…”Star Trek.”
    Um…yeah. Okay. Never mind. ~sigh~ :-)

  5. Hmmm I MUST own this demonic Weasly action figure.
    Crap, now I have to sign up with Ebay. I fell so dirty.
    Thanks Wil!!!!!
    You always make me smile. 😉

  6. Damn, I remember when all the action-figure toys were $5.99… mainly cuz I remember how expensive that was to me as a kid.

  7. I bet young Wesley was hoping for a cruise on the landspeeder(to pick up space chicks) before his trip through the postal system. Hmmm, maybe he will end up in the fabulous trash compactor on your beloved Death Star…put there by the non-friend of your youth.
    Living in his parents basement. His only claim to fame, having pulled a fast one on “TV’s Wil Wheaton”…
    Zoiks! $91 buckaroos, so far! What accouterments will you acquire next, Wil?

  8. Wil, it’s good that you aren’t exorcising anything. But you should be exercising poor Cadet Wesley ;0)
    I’d buy it myself but I might be tempted to do immoral and unnatural things *Grins*

  9. According to the description of his auction, he’s going to sign a photo for the winner too! (methinks he forgot to change the description from his old auction *g*)
    Unless, of course, he’s going to open the package and sign the trading card that comes with it *g*

  10. i’d gladly buy that from ya wil, but im only 16 and my mom won’t buy it ;( really funny post dude!

  11. LOL.. great entry…
    Ya gotta sometimes feel sad for the poor plastic He-Mans and She-ras all stuffed away in the toy trunks downstairs. But that’s life I guess.. hehe

  12. Well, I decided to push the auction up above $100… someone else made me do it! When I typed in “$100″ a little box popped up and read “someone else has outbid you…” — what is that crap? So, don’t you see? My new Star Wars Reek with Battle Roar and the Red Katarina Medieval Witchblade action figures started raising holy hell when I said, “$103.50? Hey, signed or not, that sucker better talk to me like he does to Wil.” So, I did it. I pushed the button. Good thing my Mastercard is clear…
    You know, I’m rethinking this… if Wesley takes orders as well as he did under Pikard, when I’m programming late at night and I start hearing whispers, and the Droidekas hum to life, will they shut up if I order it?
    I’m only doing this so you can upgrade your e-Trex to a Meridian, Wil!
    Cache On!

  13. Seems like you are always in your garage looking through boxes and stuff… where do you park your car?

  14. Shelby,
    Like any good Los Angeles resident, I park my car in my driveway because my garage is filled with junk. We all know that only weirdos park their cars in their garages here.

  15. did they ever have a ashley judd action figure? man.. she was a hotty.. Wil was she cocky hot chick or what back then?

  16. Wil,
    be sure to keep all your boxes and stuff
    AWAY from the washer and dryer if it’s
    located in your garage. Trust me.
    Mary Jo

  17. “News Flash: Wil Wheaton finds his funny cache with his eTrex.”
    Awesome piece – it had me laughing out loud.
    It was suitably demented, too. It made me think of that talking wooden puppet in the old Twilight Zone episode.

  18. ps that would be a good candidate for the opening chapter of your anthology (you HAVE to call the book “Shut up, Wesley”).

  19. I have to agree with jerhanny.
    You should keep at least 1 of them and
    put the rest on ebay!! :)
    You’d be glad that you did.
    Mary Jo
    p.s how many of them do you have?

  20. Wow. As I check this out, the auction is up at around $120 or so. Wil Wheaton = the man, and stuff. I, too am watching the early TNG episodes (bought the 1st and 2nd season DVD packs), and I’m seeing that Wesley was a geek. But when I was that age, I looked up to the geek. He had all those neat things to use in his daily life (holodecks, transporters, replicators, etc.) and I was jealous. I only professed hatred for him because my friends did, and heaven forbid that you say anything contrary to popular opinion when you’re in high school.
    Anyway, Wil rocks. I’d bid on this, but I’d personally never spend that much on a single action figure, so I guess Wesley will have to miss out on the opportunity to be reunited with Data and Troi, not to mention the chance to mack on the likes of Aeri(th/s) Gainsborough and Aki Ross. :)

  21. I guess I’ll stay tuned for when you’re in your garage and you hit that box with the Wesley Crusher uniform…
    Why did everyone keep pulling down on the front of those? Did they ride up that bad?

  22. Speaking of Wesley, what’s the update on the appearance in the next movie? Anyone?

  23. Wil Wheaton, you crack me up!! What are you doing buying pin-ups of yourself for 5 dollars? You are so funny!!

  24. I laughed so much when I read the final bit, that my co-workers looked at me with raised eyebrows.
    That was the best one I’ve heard this year..
    What a way to cash in on laugh….

  25. Hey Synchronicity….that episode of The Twilight Zone was just on yesterday on Sci-Fi!!
    Just a coincidence?…you decide….***creepy music here***

  26. Damn Wil, you make a killing on ebay and your not even dead!:) ( Knock on Wood ). Love your posts man, keep em coming. I still have all my garbage pail kids cards hehehhe.

  27. Damn Wil, you make a killing on ebay and your not even dead!:) ( Knock on Wood ). Love your posts man, keep em coming. I still have all my garbage pail kids cards hehehhe.

  28. I can’t even remotely believe they are attempting to sell the Wesley in the Picard box for close to $4000.00. That makes me laugh. I saw a similiar boxed figure of that at a Pasadena ST convention four $500.00 and I thought it was outragously priced then. Hell I need to go through my attic collection, I bet I could beat half the stuff on EBAY! Most of it has a personal meaning to me though and so it will probably stay put for the years to come. I felt I just needed to express my new found feeling of humor today.
    By the way, your post today was hilarious, I can certainly understand why any script that you write is going to be filled with such humor, dry and ironic alike.

  29. Wil, NO! Keep your figure! OPEN THE EVIL PLASTIC CELL! Love your little plastic self, make him battle your son’s action figures, and chip his paint!
    *cuddles her worn Geordi figurine to her chest* The ones I kept on the card were NOT FUN. Do you know how cool it is to have an action figure of Yourself?! That’s my ultimate acting career goal, right there! Accomplished! I’m surprised you don’t have all the different Wesleys, and make them fight. And kiss.
    Of course, Patrick Stewart is beyond all measures of coolness: he has like twenty different figures from multiple shows.
    Go buy a Wesley figure! OPEN HIM, DAMNIT!

  30. The “Wil buying his own clippings” is funny as hell. I can just imagine the seller, checking to see who won the item…
    Did they ever make a Wesley cardboard standie? I’ve seen Picard and Data everywhere, and I had Geordi… *coughs* I was ten, okay? *draps a blanket over Levar’s visored visage in the corner*

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