Mirror, Mirror

I’m in my garage, digging through a box of stuff, trying to find my Awful Green Things From Outer Space game.
I’m on the cold concrete floor, looking through the open box. I move aside some books and find my game. As I lift it out of the box, it reveals this Cadet Wesley Crusher action figure, just sitting there in the bottom of the box.
I look at him, wondering whether I should just look away and pretend that I didn’t see him, or take him out and say hello.
After an awkward silence, I pick him up and say, “Hey, how you doin’?”
He just stares back at me, silent and stoic from within his plastic cell.
I consider him for a moment and tell him, “you know, you look sort of cool in this uniform. You should have stuck around a bit longer, so you could have worn it more.”
He gives no response, and I pause a moment to admire his perfect hair. I run my hand through my own unwashed hair, and my fingers get thick with yesterday’s water wax. I wonder if his perfect hair still smells like Sebastian Shaper hairspray.
His eyes burn into mine, his blank stare mocking me, and I can’t take it any longer.
I put him back into the box, and as I’m about to put an unopened box of 1990 Topps NHL trading cards on him he says, “Wait!”
I lift up the box of cards, and he’s looking up at me, his smug confidence replaced with sadness.
“Hey, I don’t want to stay in this box any more. You gotta let me out.” His green eyes implore me to release him.
“Sorry, Wesley, but if I take you off of that card, you’re worthless.”
“Well, at least let me come sit on a shelf in your house! This box is cold and dark, and since you took out the Ren and Stimpy plush toys in December, there isn’t even anyone to talk to!”
I think of the years he and I spent together. I think back to our falling out, and I can’t believe that someone I was so close to has become such a stranger, and I know what I must do.
“You’re right, Wesley. You can’t stay in this box any longer. It’s just not right. I’m going to find you a new home. Someplace where you will have lots of other action figures to talk to, and maybe even a collectible plate or two.”
“You mean…you’re going to put me on eBay?”
“Yep.”
“No! You suck, Wheaton!”
“Shut up, Wesley.”

214 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror”

  1. Wow, Wil leaves for a couple of days, and it’s Lord of the Flies all over again…
    Not that I mind, of course, mind you.

  2. Only 97 more comments to go before we reach 305. But hurry, the e-Bay auction ends in less than 2 hours! I know we can do it :~)

  3. Okay, okay.
    So some people have some extra free time.
    I’ve been at E3 all week, and I’ll be there all day today, also.
    I had to do some massive cleaning up here…please don’t make me do it again.
    E3 report coming later tonight or over the weekend.

  4. Forgive me Uhuh uhuh I think I am suffering from wilwheatondotnetlackofnewpost syndrome. Not rare judging from the amount of people here commenting on this post.
    B1ATCH: Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most talented of them all.
    Wil: It’s me!
    Jonas: Excuse me, its actually me
    Charlie: really well I think it’s me
    Robert Todd Lincoln: I am sorry but you will
    find that it is actually I
    Bennett Hoenicker: WTF you know its me!
    Danny Sugerman: ME and you better believe it
    Marco: Yeah it’s me baby.
    Scottie: Me I think.
    Lazarus: Me, Me!
    Jack: I hope it’s me
    David Reynolds: Is it me?
    Joseph Joey Trotta: I hope it’s me too =)
    Kipp Gibbs: Do you think it could be me?
    Nick: I think my dad is crazy
    Billy: oh if only it could be me.
    Harry Houdini:Talent is just an illussion.
    Zachary Hayes: well what can I say LMFAO
    Mitch: Yeah Zach you suck more than Wesley.
    Gordie Lachance: no its me! You cheap dime store hood
    Clyde: hahahahahahaha
    Tim: ok you guys are talented but I rock
    Jeff Radcliffe: I tell you it’s me.
    Martin: I know who it is and I aint telling.
    Amos Cotter: ok it’s you just don’t shoot.
    Donald Branch: I miss my mommy
    Mirror: Who gives a fuck get me out of here!
    New post please *quivers incessantly* pretty please 8-*. Me need it. I really need it. badly, please, oh! please Uncle Willy hehehe.

  5. Hey, Wil – isn’t there some clever way of showing comments that really ARE by you, to stop naughty evil people from taking on your persona?
    I’m sure there’s someone out there who knows.

  6. The comments went down because uncle Willy blew the fake “wil” messages away. And yes, there should be a way to stop fraudulent “wil” postings by making the name field reject “wil” as a name unless the real “wil” posts it. Until then the real “wil” will delete imposter “wil” postings when he sees them and probably do it “wil-lfully.”
    So – question for the real wil – how was Bioware’s Neverwinter Nights booth? Waiting to hear all about E3.
    $305 dollars. Un-farking-believable. Wil, you should sell signed hair clippings! You could make a forture, but then again, some of it may end up in ulikely places, causing DNA testing and lawsuits, etc. Maybe not a good idea after all.

  7. I don’t know NickW do you think there is?
    It would be great if you could let me know when you find out.
    take care mayte. Innit!

  8. Thanks mate! I used my real email add this time, just so you can really email me.
    Nice to see someone else from England who has good taste.
    nice one Nick!

  9. I must say that – because I responded to the fake Wil post – I am disappointed that MY post was deleted… and I put so much thought and wit into it… as always.
    *sniff*
    Cache on…

  10. Wil,
    Cool website! I just found out that you’re a geocacher too. Just wondering if you would tell me your user name, or is it a secret? –mudda

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