Turnabout Intruder

When I come home late at night from E3, I toss my keys on the table, and say hello to Ferris.
I drop my fully-loaded “X-Box” bag-o-schwag on the floor, and sit down at my computer to check emails and make sure the website is running okay.
It’s late at night, and the rest of my house is asleep. The only sound other than my typing is that soft comforting hum of the fan in my computer. The room is dark, except for the light falling off of my monitor.
He’s sitting on my desk, just outside the monitor’s soft glow, staring at me.
“Hey, Wesley, I’ve got some good news.”
“You’ve had a change of heart, and you’re going to put me in a Jello mold with Counselor Troi and Princess Leah?”
“No. First of all, Princess Leah isn’t even the right scale for you –”
“Who said anything about scale? I’m articulated!”
“Do you want to hear the good news, or not?”
He sighs the perturbed yet insecure sigh of an 18 year-old. He strains his little plastic body against the twisty-tie which is holding him to his cardboard backing.
“You’re way more popular that I thought. People have bid nearly 300 dollars for you on eBay! You’re a hit, Crusher! They love you!”
He stops straining and looks at me, incredulous.
“Yeah! Take a look.”
I pick him up and turn him to face the monitor.
“Hey, slow down, jackass. You’re going to give me motion sickness.”
I wonder if this is the correct doll. I wonder if I’ve picked up the Evil Wesley Crusher, instead. I spin him around again, and look for the tell tale goatee, but it’s not there. I guess he’s just cranky.
“Dude! Take it easy!”
I slowly turn him back around, and point him at the monitor. I click the URL, and show him the bidding.
“See? Isn’t that cool? All this time we thought people hated us, but they like us, Wesley! They really like us!”
He is silent for a moment, and when he finally speaks, his voice is thick with emotion.
“Yeah. That’s….well….that’s really cool,” he says, and I swear I can feel the cardboard shudder a little bit in my hands.
“Hey, Wheaton,”
“Can you just put me down on the desk for awhile? I’ve…uh…I think I have something in my eye.”
“Are you crying, Wesley?”
“Shut up, Wheaton.”

125 thoughts on “Turnabout Intruder”

  1. Thank you for being someone who has conversations with objects. Thank you for making me realize that people I was always so in awe of (um, thats you there wheaton) are really, in truth, just as geeky as me. You rawk.
    Oh, and thanks for bringing yet another time using obsession into my life…I am so trying to figure out what to sell so I can go get a GPS…

  2. I like the way that Wesley doll thinks. Deanna Troi, Princess Leia, Jello…..mmmmmmmmm.
    aaaaargh stop! My fanboy chromosomes are taking over!
    Get a grip.
    Okay, Im calm now.
    Seriously, Its real cool that the little mucka is so darn popular. Although Im still worried that he’s talking back….
    Is that Princess Leia with the Bagel-hair, or the skimpy gold number? Or….the bounty hunter outfit?

  3. It took you how many years to realize that people liked the Wesley character. Sure, there are a lot of people who disliked the character (hate mail, hate mail, hate mail), but most of them were jealous. Christ, who wouldn’t be. In a Star Trek television show, acting next to Crosby, Mcfadden and Sirtis, Judd. Not to mention that depilated guy..forgot his name…Anyway, by the look of the e-bay results, you are spot on with your post. Oh, and some people like wil too. Still the coolest site I have found on the internet. Enjoy E3, I am jealous – No hate mail though.

  4. Hey Wesley-Doll, you may be a costly piece of plastic ass, but you’re no Sally Field.

  5. Thank you Wil! I feel better now.
    *sobbing inconsolably* I hear yah Wesley.
    Waaaaaaaaaaahhh I mean it that story touched me, and not many usually do. Thank you Wil uhu uhu uhu.
    Ok, what’s next on the Ebay auction..waiting!

  6. Goddamn, Wil, that’s a lot of moolah for one doll.
    Sa-WEET! Maybe you should put a couple more things up for auction.
    Just a thought. :)

  7. Hey, yeah, does Wes have any accessoires coming with him?
    Who said anyone hated Wesley? He’s just a character. But you, Wheaton, you created him! We hate you! It’s all your fault!
    And if you take one more of my jokes serious, Wil, then I’ll cancel my membership and go to Burt Ward’s page.

  8. Happy for Wil, definitely finding his funny again. And for finding out that people REALLY DID like Wesley.
    Sad for the “evil” Wesley figure, though… He obviously likes living with you Wil…
    Rock on!

  9. Patty LMAO. Holy Blog Nightmare, Batman! I wonder if the Burt Ward Robin action figure comes with one-touch dropping tights…
    Ahhh, but where’s the button??

  10. Oh, and Rob…
    If you had an action figure, I’D never leave the frikkin’ house… I’d be getting bitch slapped by all the people I tell, “Hey! I know this guy! I went to HS with him!”

  11. Holy crap! Only one hour left in the auction! I must take advantage of this once in a lifetime… Oh, wait a sec, it’s a dolly. I don’t play with dollies.

  12. hey wil,
    in coming to terms with the bittersweet, awkward youth frozen in your toy, you should donate the proceeds to those who might not live into adulthood. find a children’s charity. love the site.

  13. How is it that you can write a story about talking to a piece of plastic and evoke emotions in me. Dammit!

  14. hmph, funny, and here I thought I was the only one who personified inanimate objects as though they had real thoughts, feelings and perspectives.
    This is why none of my stuffed animals I had while growing up got thrown away. And still I think back on them in a dark closet or box somewhere at my parents house, and wonder if they are lonely, or sad that they are never taken out and played with.
    City Dumps and landfills are the saddest thing in the world to me….they’re full of stuff that used to belong to people, stuff that kids loved once….stuff that once knew a kinder touch, a warmer, more hospitable, sheltered existance…the now unwanted things….thinking about stuff like that just makes me wanna cry.

  15. I would like to make a heartfelt request to everyone here. I recently googled (coz that is the only fun I have in my life!) and found that this site… *oh the horror of it all.
    I mean oh gosh I can’t hold it to myself any longer. I don’t know how to go on…
    Take a look
    just look oh please help him, please help my Uncle Willy.
    and to those of you who believe that this is true, need to get out more *puff

  16. Potch said: “If you had an action figure, I’D never leave the frikkin’ house… I’d be getting bitch slapped by all the people I tell, “Hey! I know this guy! I went to HS with him!”
    I would get bitch slapped for all the same reasons.
    Speaking of action figures. I saw that there was a J. Jonah Jameson action figure yesterday.
    I’m tempted to buy it, file off its hair, and put swastikas on it so’s I have my own “Schillinger from Oz” action figure.

  17. Hhahahahhahaha, you’re way fun Wil! You make me laugh so hard, Hhahahhaha. You’re great!
    Have a nice day.
    Bye, Helene

  18. Wil..did you ever read the book about THE NEXT
    GENERATION ..I think the name was THE GREATEST
    CREW IN THE UNIVERSE or something similar.
    ANYWAY.. in this great book the author who’s
    name escapes me.. states that WIL WHEATON
    recived MORE fan mail than ANYONE ELSE on
    Like somone else said..you are not Sally Fields.
    We do love you..dummy!

  19. Let me be the first to congratulate vinithehat for his winning $305 bid for the coolest action figure in the world!
    Het Wil, got any more???

  20. Yes, but did the author give the proportion of “positive” fan mail to “negative” fan mail?

  21. That sweet, sweet little man.
    Goddamn, he has endured SO much.
    And through it all he has remained “mint-in-box.”
    A lesson for us all really.
    Would that I could one day become HALF the man as that stoic little… well… hell… let’s just come right out and say what we’re all thinking… HERO.
    He never did get to ride that landspeeder though.
    Wil, please take some video of Li’l Wesley getting packed up and shipped. Make sure to add the appropriate contemplative, soulful soundtrack and post the video here.
    I think we all want to say goodbye to Action Figure Wesley Crusher Mint-in-box in our own special way.
    The video would be cathartic.
    We deserve that much.

  22. Wow, 305 dollars. I wish I had that much money.
    Sorry, forgot to post this last time.

  23. You like to torment Wesley eh? *L* I think the two of you were always more popular than you thought. You must have taken alot of grilling by some very large assholes there for a while Wil. I was always a fan and I really look forward to the new Trek movie coming out. I hope you have a larger role in it. Seems that once Gene Roddenberry died the whole Star Trek timeline got all blurred. At any rate I think you’re an ace actor and Wesley…well what can you say for him? He’s just a kid right? We all should cut him some slack. : )

  24. You and Wesley are so fkng cool. The whole conversation thing with that Wesley doll is so wonderfully creepy, so quietly eerie . . . almost as if the doll has some dark scheme it is waiting for the right moment to enact. Maybe improv is just way more demanding, but I haven’t noticed any funny-lack here.
    Congrats on the eBay gig!

  25. What we really need is a video of Spudnuts taking out his frustration on another Wesley Crusher MIB (Albeit unsigned) action figure. Ooh, the inhumanity of it all..

  26. It took an E-Bay auction for you to figure out that you were – and still are – liked?
    For a smart guy, you can be awfully slow sometimes! 😉 But we forgive you Uncle Willie!

  27. Wil, even though you feared that you were losing your funny a few weeks ago, you are deffinitely in the groove again. I love these Wesley conversations! :)

  28. You know I am not quite sure who those people are that claimed to hate Wesley. I am pretty sure it was alot like everyone saying that the New Kids on the Block were gay. Anytime a guy is adored by thousands of young teenage girls, you are going to have guys saying they hate him. Do you really think you would have been asked to do so many publicity photos and interviews if your not well liked? Now having said that please stop talking to the possesed carbon copy of yourself…some of us are starting to worry about your mental health! 😉 :p

  29. Hey, how much of this junk do you have? And what are you going to do when your garage is empty?
    Hmmmm… I wonder how much an autographed photocopy of your ass would go for on ebay…

  30. Forget Wesley, I want a Wil Wheaton Action Figure with super Kung-Fu grip.
    Accessories include: computer worstation, GPS, Ferris, PS2 and bowling shirt.
    …and don’t forget the George Foreman grill!

  31. Mint-in-box is the same as virgin, right? Then Plastic Wesley is doomed to stay in character until the end of time.

  32. Internal Audience said:
    >> What we really need is a video of Spudnuts taking out his frustration on another Wesley Crusher MIB (Albeit unsigned) action figure.
    I like WC:MIB.
    I wouldn’t harm him.
    I’d take him out for a steak dinner.
    And tiramisu.

  33. Thing that sucks is that we never even got to know WC:MIB and now he’s gone. I would have liked to have seen a WC:MIB section on WWDN. Or “Ask WC:MIB Medical Corner.” Now?
    Never to be.

  34. Wil, everyone knows that’s NOT how you tell the evil doll from the good doll!!! The evil doll has the switch in the back switched to evil!!!! Silly!!!
    I’m still disturbed that the doll is talking to you though :0/ And that you have X-Box goodies *glowers*

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