Turnabout Intruder

When I come home late at night from E3, I toss my keys on the table, and say hello to Ferris.
I drop my fully-loaded “X-Box” bag-o-schwag on the floor, and sit down at my computer to check emails and make sure the website is running okay.
It’s late at night, and the rest of my house is asleep. The only sound other than my typing is that soft comforting hum of the fan in my computer. The room is dark, except for the light falling off of my monitor.
He’s sitting on my desk, just outside the monitor’s soft glow, staring at me.
“Hey, Wesley, I’ve got some good news.”
“You’ve had a change of heart, and you’re going to put me in a Jello mold with Counselor Troi and Princess Leah?”
“No. First of all, Princess Leah isn’t even the right scale for you –”
“Who said anything about scale? I’m articulated!”
“Do you want to hear the good news, or not?”
He sighs the perturbed yet insecure sigh of an 18 year-old. He strains his little plastic body against the twisty-tie which is holding him to his cardboard backing.
“Yes.”
“You’re way more popular that I thought. People have bid nearly 300 dollars for you on eBay! You’re a hit, Crusher! They love you!”
He stops straining and looks at me, incredulous.
“What?”
“Yeah! Take a look.”
I pick him up and turn him to face the monitor.
“Hey, slow down, jackass. You’re going to give me motion sickness.”
I wonder if this is the correct doll. I wonder if I’ve picked up the Evil Wesley Crusher, instead. I spin him around again, and look for the tell tale goatee, but it’s not there. I guess he’s just cranky.
“Dude! Take it easy!”
“Sorry.”
I slowly turn him back around, and point him at the monitor. I click the URL, and show him the bidding.
“See? Isn’t that cool? All this time we thought people hated us, but they like us, Wesley! They really like us!”
He is silent for a moment, and when he finally speaks, his voice is thick with emotion.
“Yeah. That’s….well….that’s really cool,” he says, and I swear I can feel the cardboard shudder a little bit in my hands.
“Hey, Wheaton,”
“Yeah?”
“Can you just put me down on the desk for awhile? I’ve…uh…I think I have something in my eye.”
“Are you crying, Wesley?”
“Shut up, Wheaton.”

125 thoughts on “Turnabout Intruder”

  1. I’m guessing there’s a whole metaphorical thing going on here. Am I right? It’s either that or you really need to take a break. Cool entry though.

  2. Wow I thought I was the only one with talking dolls. My Army of Darkness Bruce Campbell doll keeps wanting to do the nasty with my Elvira doll but her pimp my Freddy Kruger doll won’t have any of that sh*t without cash. So Bruce and Elvira are planning on leaving my cabinet tonight but Freddy hired my Michael Myers doll to spy on them and he reported this info to Freddy and so he hired My Blade Puppet Master doll to kill them both, if Elvira does not come back quietly to Fred and Bruce has to move to the bottom shelf of my cabinet and become the bitch of Al Snow and Head my WWF action Figure. :p

  3. Hey Wil,
    It’s Lily.
    Uh… Know I havent been here in awhile… my parents put me on ban… Anyways, thats so cool that you have a Wesley action figure… I want a wesley action figure… Ive been looking for one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really!
    Cool news bout ebay!!! Thats alot of money…… Or Well, since I’m addicted to bubblegum… thats alot of gumballs!
    Lily

  4. Thank you, Wil for making me laugh today. I had a really awful day and this was a wonderful change.

  5. ::runs away donning a nomnex suit to protect him fomr the flame war thats about to erupt::
    Wow wil people love you , 300 bucks insane!
    How did oyu get into E3? oh wait GUH, you work for g4 LOL. man I had a lapse there. hope you scored some nice stuff.

  6. I will repeat another person’s comment… I’m so glad to know I’m not the only person in the world who carries on self-depracating comments with inanimate objects. It’s always fun to hear your opinions of yourself from other things.

  7. I will repeat another person’s comment… I’m so glad to know I’m not the only person in the world who carries on self-depracating comments with inanimate objects. It’s always fun to hear your opinions of yourself from other things.

  8. First: NephraTari? The Kids In The Hall ARE gay!
    Second: SpudNuts? I’m still waiting for your action figure made out of, what material was that? and toothpicks?
    Finally: Wil! Made a liar out of me. I could’ve swore you weren’t at E3 but instead out Geocaching hardcore. What I’m wondering now is this: how much of that E3 booty can we expect to become Cache Nuggets? And now that you have $305 coming to you, what new model of GPS are you shopping for?
    May I suggest this awesome Meridian?
    http://www.magellangps.com/products/meridian_Gold.htm
    I’m personally gearing up for a Memorial Day weekend loaded with Geocaching!
    If you place them, they will come!
    You rock Wil. Cache On!

  9. LOL. After reading that post, this is what I’m thinking right now:
    Gordie: Do you think I’m weird?
    Chris: Definitely.
    Gordie: No man, seriously. Am I weird?
    Chris: Yeah. But so what? Everybody’s weird. ;)

  10. Wil, If I put my MOC WFS figures on the Bay,is there reverse bidding? In other words, what’s it gonna cost me to get rid of them?
    Just asking.

  11. These past two posts have been great, Wil! It IS amazing how funny and poignant you can make an inanimate plastic figure. I think your funny shows up when you’re least expecting it. I hope you recognize your funny (and really good writing skills) when they materialize.

  12. Aaah. I remember the day I got my Wesley Crusher action figure. I was so excited! Sure, everyone thought I was a dink at the local Star Trek Fan Club (There goes Nancy, that bimbo with the crush on the weed who walks around with the fan fiction every day of her life with pictures of Wil Wheaton on her files), but I had my action figure, my laminated postcard, my magnet, my *block mounted* postcard, my huuuge Wesley poster and my hand-made shuttle-bay where all the characters sat in… including a scene imagined from the Academy, for Wesley to hang out in. I even thought that I should make him some Starfleet buddies out of modelling clay. I started with his best friend Eleanor, but only got as far as her head. So my ActionFigure!Wesley has currently got a disembodied head for a girlfriend. Scary, huh?
    Erm… probably not as scary as this entire post. I’ve grown up now, I’m a much older, wiser and more balanced human being, yes….
    [kicks the Starfleet Academy Website under the table along with her picture collections of Frodo Baggins and Elijah Wood and smiles thinly]
    Oh bugger it. :P

  13. Hey, did anyone else look at the bidding history? It didn’t become a race until the last day. Some people outbid themselves. They must be big wesley fans. Thank God it turned out to be a real dogfight in the end though. I was worried for you Wil.
    On the E3 front, I was very happy to see Xbox finally getting some game love, hopefully Wil might post something on that front.
    Cheers all,
    - Law

  14. Glad to see you found your sense of humor about the crying incident.
    I could smash some puppies to see if you really toughened up.

  15. Mook chill out, it’s ok we know who he is talking about. You need to get a grip. You Star Wars Fiend, saying that I love Star Wars too =*.
    Wil it’s true a lot of people like you and not only in the U.S. but here in the U.K. It’s a shame that you had to feel that way just coz some dumb A**holes knew how to use email or write letters.
    Still I just wanted you to know that I was one of the thousands of fans who used to sit and watch every episode of Star Trek TNG just to get a glimpse of you.
    *sigh* I miss those days when I was still young and inlove, now I’m just old and inlove.
    Ok I shared too much, must dash.. toodle-oo! =P

  16. You didn’t think people loved you?! I loved you since the beginning of TNG. Now I’ve grown up and gotten married myself and I’m still a fan. *smirks* Imagine my joy when I finally stumbled across your site. Don’t worry, I’m not really a psycho fan of you…I’m a psycho fan of anime so you’re safe. *L*

  17. Hey Wil, nice to meet you :)
    Now I don’t mean to dicourage you, but people would probably pay 300 bucks for a signed action figure of Hitler, too (and that wouldn’t mean they love him) :P (bad joke, sorry)
    But seriously, I don’t think anybody has ever HATED Wesley. He’s just such an easy victim to pick on… Actually I think most guys pretty much envied you for being on the Enterprise’s bridge (yeah, me too).
    Anyway, I think it was a good idea you finally got rid of him. But did you really?

  18. Hey Wil,
    The Wesley character ascended with the beyonder(, the traveler, the vacationer) to a higher sphere. You think miniature plastic Crusher figures are a subspace ripple effect in the 21st century caused by neutrino particles?
    The real burning question is what is the Wesley doll wearing under the jumpsuit? Boxers, briefs or jock?
    Sure to be media buzz and you’ll snicker all the way to the bank.

  19. RED HAIR?? RED HAIR? RED HAIR!!!!!
    I just saw you in Phython, Wil… RED HAIR?????
    I had trouble reconising you until I saw the firmilar Wesley-Crusher-Lip-Lick that I guess is a habit of yours!!!!
    Anyways, heres some comfort for you…. I stopped watching after your character died!
    You did a really neat job in it though!!!!
    Hey, Dude, I don’t watch Star Trek unless your in it either… and by the way, I saw ‘The first Duty’ episode last night…… I think I was screaming at the Tv the whole time about what a jackass Nick Laconro was….. but thats just me!
    Rockin’ good job, Dude!
    Lily

  20. Okay Wil,
    When will you FINALLY release your first novel or something?!? Geez, I always knew you were a great actor, but man …. *lowers voice to a respectful whisper* … you’re an even better writer ;-).
    Oh well, but then again it wouldn’t hurt me to finally see on screen again either :-P!
    Take care and STAY THE SAME :-)!

  21. That was adorable! ;-) You poor guys, thinking for all these years that you were unloved. I really liked Wesley (granted, I was about 12 at the time, so you can take that with a grain of salt), and was disappointed when you and the character left the show. I just found your journal, and you’re really fun to read. Keep up the good work! :-)

  22. You know Wil…sometimes I really worry about you. But hey.. I guess talkign to your own action figure is ok…
    poor Wes!

  23. Wow…I haven’t heard such a deep conversation with a action figure since my baby cousin made Hans Solo have AIDS! Yes…it was a tragic day because he had to explain it to Lea and Luke…
    I love you Wil Wheaton…you are too cool…

  24. Hi will, I really have enjoyed the last two entries that you have put on. The ones about the wesley doll. Please put these into a book, so i ca buy them! make sure they are on sale in england.

  25. I wanted to say in defence of Wil, that to be fair, he has every right to delete insulting comments, especially if the person who made those comments was not decent enough to sign it with his own name or alias.
    If you didn’t want your comment to be deleted then you shouldn’t have pretended to be Wil, because some of the people in here thought he actually posted that himself, and that’s just downright scum behaviour on your part.
    So if you are as self righteous as you make yourself out to be, then sign your own comments and give your email add too if you want, don’t hide behind someone else’s name, then have the audacity to complain if it is deleted. You talk about rights yet you show no regard for wil’s rights when you pretended to be him.
    Surely you can’t be that ashamed of yourself that you have to use somebody else’s name. No name is ever that bad? or is it? Maybe you are having trouble finding a suitable alias, may I suggest Chicken S**t or how about another that starts with W like W**ker that way you can start as you mean to go on.
    And you are right its not that hard to swap the words is it?
    From I am not wil
    And no, I admit I don’t mind being one of the “trolls” as it were, it does not take too much time. It only takes as much time, as it takes to read a post to swap out the words in something then pretend my name is wil.
    For as long as they last, the points are here to make a point: although I really don’t have a point. For someone who seems to go on about rights, privacy, and so forth, I think I have no regard for anyone’s but mine and have realized that censoring comments is so hurtful to me I felt the need to write this Dear John letter in this comment board. I might think of switching to a moderated style of commenting, which would keep me from having to pretend to be someone else, and it would also keep me from being a hypocritical jerk.
    Send me away, please. just do.
    *sigh*
    Ok! I’ve said my piece. “As you were!”

  26. News flash, to the idiots:
    This is my site. I run it, I maintain it. I pay for it.
    This is not a “public” site. If you’d read the TOS, you’d know that.
    Please don’t force me to complain to your ISPs about your conduct.
    Just go away.

  27. I was on a romance novel cover once. Yep, for Random House. They do a studio shoot, (me falling in the arms of one handsome hunk) then an artist paints you and said hunk, adding a romantic background, in this case a big Tudor Mansion background and me with much bigger breasts.
    It’s had a few one way conversations with me as well, taunting me mostly in the form of slightly changed lyrics from a “Talking Heads” song.
    “This is not your beautiful house,”
    “This is not your beautiful man.”
    “My God!” (referring to breasts) “Where did you get those!?”

  28. I was surprised I couldn’t find you at E3 – I would expect Wil Wheaton would draw more attention in a building packed wall to wall with geeks :)
    Just to throw in a subtle reference to your Jane White interview, guess who I did spot at E3? That’s right, Gary Coleman. But you don’t have to take my word for it – you can see a shot of him playing Robotech here: http://www.robotech.com/gallery/galimage/viewgalimage.php?id=254
    I saw him later on in the same clothes so I can verify that’s actually him. Weird.

  29. Wil what did you think of the enterprise finale?
    I thought it rivaled picard being kidnapped by the borg.. BNTW they are playing those episodes on TNN right now.. good stuff..

  30. Hola minna!
    Freaky sidenote before I launch into this post.
    Did you know the hottest sunday activity for Amish Teen Boys is hanging by the freeway waving to girls?
    Me neither.. frelln’ funny though.
    Jeff honey sweetie pie boo boo kitty- well you get the drift
    I don’t think any of us would mind some extra dough laying around. It’s supply and demand.
    Also I don’t think Wil even considered that this auction would get as much game as it’s got.
    As for the rest of the varmin wandering the site:
    This is not the Wheaton you are looking for
    You should go to http://www.flickerstick.com
    now
    Also a quick post con PSA- low on the sleep and the sense- sorry if nothing is too funny.
    Nice score Wil! $300!!!! For a toy!
    As a suggestion if you can spend the money on fun stuff- go buy Black Rebel Motorcycle Club cd.
    People in San Diego- check out Soulcracker at Winston’s on June 1st.
    -MKF
    “sniff snort sniff”- Ape dude checking me out
    “Hey sniff all you want but keep your damn dirty paws off me Ape boy.”- me

  31. Hey Wil
    The TV Guide here (Canada) had a special Star Trek edition the other week. Not only did they select Kirk as the all-time best Captian (eventhough if you look at the points Picard had more), but they talked a bit about the next movie, “Nemesis.” and said that you’re in it. Is this true?
    Chow.

  32. Once again, much LoL-age with the freaky-talking-to-your-dolls thingy.
    By the way, what IS in that so-called “X-Box” bag-o-schwag anyways?

  33. Why do people not like you Mr. Crusher? After all, you had a cool blue jump suit for a few years and then graduated into your Star Fleet uniform. And lets not forget that your mum was the coolest Space Doc in the galaxy. Maybe the leeches from Stand By Me got in your head and not down your pants after all! I will never forget that cute sweet face you made when you popped open your pants for River Phoenix to see …. one can but dream :-)

  34. wil !
    $305.00 dollars for what looks like a $5.99
    original price… averages out to $5.98 per bid
    or a 5,092% profit !!!!
    I’d be careful there mr. wheaton… you may have
    caught the money bug…. what’s next?
    what about some of those friendly leeches?
    ja keep any from the movie???
    (HBO played it again, Sunday morn at 4:30 am)

  35. That was so funny–thanks, I needed that! I think the “telltale goatee” part made it even funnier, since that joke (or variations on it) is a staple around our house (such as one time when we went to a Halloween party, and I was in costume, and my husband wasn’t, he explained “I’m going as the evil Demetrius, but I shaved off my goatee to make it that much more insidious.”
    For some more synchronicity, our deacon talked about geocaching (which I had only first heard of here, just recently)in a sermon yesterday, and said that his wife called it “the excuse geeks need to get out and exercise”.

  36. Wil
    Long story. A friend of mine came over to my place. He was was using my pc when he noticed that your address was on my favorites list. He made fun of me and I told him to grow up. I tried to explain why I enjoy your site so much. He didn’t get it. Anyway, later I caught him doing a whole bunch of stuff with my pc that he wasn’t suppose to be doing.
    This morning my email was flooded with spam. I also noticed that I was blocked off from many of my favorite sites. Yours was one of them. However, I was able to access it with aol. I guess aol is good for something.
    Please don’t report me. I really do enjoy your site and don’t want to be banned from it.

  37. The immortal lines “Shut up Wheaton” will echo forever…
    But I still say there are some seriously deranged people out there…
    $305 for an action figure that my daughter would rip apart in 2 seconds flat!

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