Epitaph

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.
He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.
He also types in this form.
That.
Is.
Very.
Unique.
Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.
Quoth Spudnuts:

I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I’m not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.
But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than…
“Died in Troutdale.”
What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can’t be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?
Jesus.
It’s like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.
So…
INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.
Then…
Who knows?
Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.
Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones…
— Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
— He was better than you
— It’s fucking dark in here
— Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
— Secret agent
— He owned a television
— He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
— RIP BFD
— He went straight to Hell
— Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
— He is in space now
— Deposit urine here
— He neglected his colon
— Yet another dead guy
— He was full of shit

184 thoughts on “Epitaph”

  1. Spike Milligan was even cooler than that- get this: “We are saddened by the recent passing of one of the worlds bright lights, Spike Milligan. His gravestone is to read: I told you I was ill! He wanted to be buried in a washing machine – to confuse archaeologists

  2. - Professional Jackass.
    – Where am I again?
    – Spoon!
    – Small hands, smelled like cabbage.
    – Lost in Space.
    – France sucks.
    – Cheated the system.

  3. I like cemeteries, too. They’re very peaceful, and it’s interesting to see what people have written. One that stuck out in my mind for some reason said, “Gone Fishin'”
    While I’m more for the scatter-my-ashes-here, here, and here school of thought… if I had to have some sort of epitaph, I suppose it would read something like, “Woo-Hoo!”

  4. I gotta stop comin’ back here! The most recent additions had me laughing until I got the hiccups!
    A couple more from me to you:
    -Whoever you are, I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. I’m also sorry I didn’t live
    -Error 666: Didn’t quite make it to Heaven
    -Don’t worry Mom; at least I’m not in jail
    -I can’t believe I ate the whole thing
    Hey Amanda, shouldn’t that be “I Poked Badgers With Spoons” (past tense)?

  5. “If you are close enough to read this, then get off! How about some respect for the dead, numbnuts?”
    “Shows at 8 and 10 Nightly”
    “I’m going to haunt your house!”
    “I’d still rather be me than Pauley Shore”

  6. “Move along; nothing to see here.”
    Although I’ll probably go for some words of encouragement, such as “This could be you tomorrow, so live while you can!”

  7. Billy Connelly has the best idea for a tombstone. At the back will be a speaker and on the tombstone will be extremely small writing so when people walk forward onto the grave to see what is written they will step on a pressure point which will set the speaker off and Billy’s voice will shout out, ‘Oi, get off, your standing on my balls’, classic.

  8. I desire to be buried under one of the following epitaphs:
    * </LIFE>
    * The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated
    * You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
    * CONGRATULATIONS! You may already be Dead! (see back for details) and a whole bunch of legalese on the obverse
    * I’m busy this week, how’s next Thursday for you?

  9. The funniest damn tombstone I ever saw was in Tampa. It had the dude’s name and birthdate and “Murdered by the U.S. Army.”
    Funnier still, there was no date of death listed.
    Yup. I’d say this guy was pretty pissed off about something.

  10. How about:
    – I *still* don’t like doctors.
    – Why did I bother?
    – Of all the things I’ve lost, it’s my life I miss the most.
    – At least I don’t get spam.
    – Crunchy frog?
    – Terminally bored.
    – Someone got res?
    – I came, I saw, I did a little hacking.
    – Data expired in transit.
    – I was hoping for an encore.
    – And I wanted a Viking funeral.
    – I didn’t want to go to heaven with a headache.
    – Still Waiting for Ghod.
    – I’d rather be surfing.
    – Cryogenics doesn’t work.
    – I thought it was funny.

  11. Here lies Jim Bob “Bubba” McGwinn
    Cherished husband, father and friend
    We should’ve known there was something amiss
    When Bubba called, “Hey, fellers! Watch this!”

  12. Okay okay, stop I’m busting a gut here….
    Wait have to add mine, how about something simple,
    ‘ROTFLMAO’
    Sorry had to add my two cents, What do you expect for 2 cent??
    Spudnuts, your a charator! Look what you started!
    I’m still chuckling at some of those, to to funny!
    later!

  13. There is a gravestone nearby here that says “Not Dead, Only Sleeping.” Freaky as anything to walk past after a marathon of zombie movies, but it’s kind of cool.

  14. Burried here beneath this clay
    Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
    Now in his simpeternal home
    A constant source of hight grade loam

  15. There is a gravestone, in some graveyard on some island in the Florida keys that I saw on Australian tv last year. Simply put it had the name of the deceased, the appropiate dates, and then the writing underneath, ‘TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!’ I laughed for 3 days straight. At least one old guy had a sence of humour.

  16. gotta gravestone for ya
    “here lies a fucker(only one, he left his chicks at home). One word for him:ambition. Oh yea another one, ni

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