alt.usenet.made.me.laugh

Found on Usenet, authored by O.Deus:

A crowd has gathered outside a dumpster, current residence of the reel
of film featuring Wesley Crusher, at the news that Will Wheaton’s
apperance had been cut from Nemesis.
“First they let him go from the Next Generation and now they cut him
from Nemesis alltogether?” Wanda Killgorne 39, one of those holding a
silent vigil at the dumpster. “It makes no sense. The producers never
realized what they had with Wesley. The show went downhill the moment
he left and they’ve been too arrogant to do what it takes to save Star
Trek. Bring back Wesley as a Starship Captain with Godlike powers.
He’s the only one that can save Star Trek.”
At those words the crowd began chanting, “Bring Back Wesley. Bring
Back Wesley. Bring Back Wesley” but it was clear that their hearts
just weren’t in it.
“Some of us are here because we’re off our medication. Others are here
because Wesley Crusher gives us a reason to live.” William Johnson 56
said delivering an improptu speech from the vantage point of standing
on a stained milk crate. “Still Others because due to our homoerotic
crushes on Mr. Wheaton, orders of protection prevent us from going any
closer to him. Still we all united in our veneration of this lost
reel.”
Saying this Mr. Johnson reached into the dumpster and pulled out a
reel along with several roaches living in the reel.
“Behold the Reel of Wesley.” He shouted as the crowd fell to its knees
before the reel and then rose one by one to kiss the reel and return
back to the private and state facilities from which they had come as
the sun set over the tall buildings, indicating that curfew was almost
over.


This made me laugh out loud.
It sure was strange to see something on Usenet about me that didn’t involve Klingon gang rape.

112 thoughts on “alt.usenet.made.me.laugh”

  1. ROTFLMFAO!!!! That was EXCELLENT!!!
    Thanks for sharing that.
    BTW, may we presume that either McFadden’s or Sirtis’ screen time was also cut to ribbons?
    Take care and enjoy your family!
    ***THE BEEJ***

  2. Hey, Wil –
    Sorry about the Star Trek scene.
    Maybe you and Spudnuts can get the rights on cut scenes from a lot of different movies on the cheap and make the Great American Epic.
    Your day will come… and we’ll be waiting.
    Best regards!

  3. Klingon gang rape? Now there’s a notion I was completely unaware of and did not need to know about.

  4. u should tell Rick Berman to let the hours go 3 hrs. he must be retarded if he thinks cutting 48 mins will make Star Trek fans happy. Also friggen Insurrection was like and hour and 30 minutes, there were voyager episodes longer than that. i hope the ass hole dont make Nemesis under 2 hrs

  5. Too fucking funny, realy it is. I’ve read you for a while and never commented, but anyone who knows me would be unsurprised that the combination of Usenet and Klingon gang rape is what got me to speak up. ;)
    Good to see you in something other than ST slashfic, at least. Just wish you’d get a touch more actual work. Wesley, after all, wasn’t your fault. You, sir, are pretty damn entertaining.

  6. Sorry to hear about the cuts.
    Any chance they might appear on the DVD. Ok jumping the gun The movie hasnt reached final print and Im hoping that footage didnt reach the can before they realize you can draw em in *um Duh!* If its any consolation in regards to Klingon Gang Rape. They have you making love to every lady on the ship in a very posative way in some Mind Control storys on the net.
    – Brothersleep. (you woulda been great as the Sandman) off topic me sorry.

  7. Chuck, great idea. I personally would spend 20 bucks a ticket to see a 3 or 4 hour long Star Trek. The longer, the better in my opinion.
    TM

  8. It sucks that someone with an amazing personality as you has been thru what you’ve been thru.
    As Jewel says, I suppose…
    “Sometimes it be that way.”

  9. Well at least Rick can put in the entire 3 hours including your cut scenes in the Director’s Cut edition of the DVD. When released, if not they could be alot of pissed fans out there, mailny cause this is the last film and they havent included you in any of the movies. Anyway the ENTIRE Nemesis could be leeched on the Internet in November so ppl could get thier hands on the Cut scenes rather than wait for this DVD edition to come out.

  10. WESLEY REEL ALERT!!
    Sources indicate that the Wesley cut scene reel has been secreted out of Hollywood by US Military personnel and brought to Area 51 for analysis and duplication.
    Sources also confirmed that the Yucca mountain site, which was to be used for nuclear waste storage, will be redesigned to house and preserve the Wesley cut scene instead.
    More on this breaking story as it happens!

  11. maybe i was crazy and maybe i was just like 12 by the time the show ended but my homoerotic crush on wil didn’t begin until i found this site… and thanks for the dream last night wil, or perhaps you should be thanking me ;)
    marc

  12. Hey yeah seiously i know it has been asked before but what the hell is with the Klingon gang rape?!?!?!?!?!? Oh well anyway, i sit here watching one of those episodes of Star Trek: The Next Gneration with our favorite ensign Wesley Crusher (with the grey uniform) that i commented on earlier and i swear not that i have anything against it but WTF is up with the belt?!?!?!?!? please it bothers me tell me, tell me please…
    wait i have to go and do laundry give me a sec to do that and then i’ll be right back…
    AHHHHH the laundry it’s atacking…..
    (Justine is heard to scream and and then found in a pile on the floor unconcious…..she never had a chance)….. well. i lived anyway (aren’t you just so gald) so just wanted to say, wait, what DID i want to say oh well when i remeber i’ll tell you, until then i leave you people with this… “happy, happy joy, joy,..” -Stimpy of “The Ren And Stimpy Show”
    P*E*A*C*E….hey i remember i wanted to say FUNNY post i specially love the kissing of the reel of wesley also that i think it is TOTALLY screwed up that they would put “Guinan” (whoopi Goldburg) before they would put Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton) in?!?!?!?!?
    >—JUSTINE—

  13. [i]The scene in question will make the DVD, right? Probably?[/i]
    Wait wait… is *this* the scene with Klingon gang rape?
    Damn you, MPAA censors! Anything to get a PG-13 rating!

  14. Is it me or have people used this post as an excuse to admit the homoerotic crush they had on wesley/wil throughout their “confused” period during puberty?
    I, on the other hand, will keep mine purely suppressed until my therapist recommends otherwise…

  15. Wicked once again Wil’s humour amazes me I’m sitting here watching him on Canadian TV on a show called ‘Twice in a Lifetime’ as I write this. Last week before I found this site I would have thought Wil was a sincere down to earth guy now I know he’s way cooler than that and loves to laugh

  16. am i the only one who will not be satisfied with wil’s scene being included in the DVD…i want to see it on the big screen where it belongs!…wil seems to be taking this outrage with maturity and class…so it’s up to us to bitch and raise hell!…why should we have to wait, god only knows how long to see the lost scenes of “wesley” on DVD…come on mr. berman…cut something else!…klingon gang rape is all well and good for klingons…if they live through it!…but it’s just not good enough for wesley crusher…no sir!

  17. “klingon gang rape” an exciting new reality series coming this fall to UPN! this new series takes reality down a dark path never before shown on network television…”klingon gang rape”…thursday nights right after “smackdown” on UPN!

  18. I think the fact that your previous post about the film had 491 responses is reason enough to know that Wil Wheaton has far surpassed Wesley Crusher in popularity, and rightly so. People really care, Wil, they really care.

  19. You think Klingon Gang Rape is funny. You should watch ‘Python.’ Now that’s about as painful as Klingon Gang Rape, but it’s still a good watch. Poor Richard Clabaugh.

  20. Actually. .
    “I think the fact that your previous post about the film had 491 responses is reason enough to know that Wil Wheaton has far surpassed Wesley Crusher in popularity, and rightly so. People really care, Wil, they really care.”
    I care more bout Wesley :D Or. . it might be balanced. But seriously Berman sucks.

  21. I’ll be honest with you, Wil… I never liked Wesley as a character. Maybe the fact that he was a rather unlikable, gawky youth on the show was due to the fact that you are simply a wonderful actor. Regardless, the end of TNG never bothered me by the absence of Wesley from my life.
    But you know, I find this place by accident and read your last two posts… And I have to say, you’re a lot different than anything I ever saw in your character.
    Your blog reads like those of a dozen friends of mine… Fears, trials, convictions. And your ability to laugh at yourself and the things you have become associated with makes me pretty proud of you. If that means anything at all to ya. ;)
    Buck up. I never made a movie or a TV show, and most people will probably NEVER hear of me. But you learn the same lessons I have and am, and you go through the same things. And I get the feeling you’re doing a damned fine job.
    Well, enough back-patting. Take care. Keep up the good work.

  22. Dude said:
    “One minor point:
    I think a group of Klingons are a “gaggle” not a “gang”.”
    This is correct, unless the Klingons are sleeping. Then, they are a “giggle”.
    The reason this is not widely known is mainly due to the Klingon dislike of being called a giggle, which is why it’s only spoken whilst they are sleeping.

  23. Wil, do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain to colleagues how the phrase ‘Klingon gang rape’, in that context, can cause hysterics? Could you please explain it to them? They all just keep looking at me in a kind of worried way … ;o)

  24. Klingon gang-rape, huh? I was surfing the other night and came across some slash-fic that had you doing it with some holodeck-generated dude. It was just a short little story with some guy walking into the holodeck and then embarking on a quickie thing with another guy, no names were mentioned until the end, when the guy in question says “Computer, end program, Crusher such and such (sorry, I’m not a huge enough Trek fan to recall your identification number and no, gay slash-fic isn’t my bag – never fear, I’m more a counselor Troi type myself ;) Just thought you’d wanna know there were psycho homosexual Crusher lovers on the everyday www sites, not just usenet. Thank God I’m not famous…sigh.

  25. As a gay guy, I never had a crush on Wil during his Trek run. He was what 15 when the show began. I was 25. That’s boarding on priests’ territory. It’s like the militant wing of the Girl Scouts –there are just some lines you don’t cross. Now Wil is 30, married and the stepfather of two. The priests have moved on. Besides, guys with kids are much hotter. Don’t know why. Also, consider this: with so many of us admitting our “homoerotic” crush on him, he’ll need that restraining order. Except from me. I’ll stay here in Chicago and wait for Mr. Wheaton to appear on Enterprise or a sequel to that bizarre film Mr. Stitch. Or come to Chicago for a visit. Boystown can be fun…

  26. Wesley is Dead. Long Live Wesley!
    Or something like that.
    But, as you said Wil. Tis better to have love, and lost, then never to have been on a Star Trek series at all.
    Or something like that.
    But just remember Wil. Friends and Family will rush out and buy the 3-Hour Director’s Cut for Nemisis. Just to see your scenes.
    Beau

  27. I always thought that the Wesley Crusher character was a bit too gay anyway. Personally I am glad that they axed him (don’t take it personally Will, you played the character well….has nothing to do with your acting ability.)
    Good luck in your future adventures!
    B

  28. Wil,
    you know those Visa commercials? well here goes..
    A movie ticket $8.00
    A bag of popcorn and a Coke $6.50
    Watching a band of Klingons Gang bang Wesley Crusher….Priceless
    Later Wil,
    Matt……

  29. And here I was all getting all wet and bothered that I would see Wesley in uniform once again. Thank you Mr. Berman for saving me the money not only on the movie tickets, but the cost of a marriage counselor after seeing such a HOTTY in uniform again.
    Sorry Wil, glad to see you have such a great attitude about it all. I sure as hell don’t!!
    TSLG

  30. I found this on a friend’s livejournal today and was just very impressed with your ability to laugh at yourself. Go you! For what it’s worth, Star Trek Next Gen is still my all-time favorite TV show, and I never disliked your character or understood the whole “Kilingon gang rape” mentality. I’m sorry that people have been mean, but I really admire you for keeping up a postive and humorous attitude. That takes guts and wisdom. Good luck in your career!

  31. My apologies. I failed to read your section on proper posting etiquette. I was actually referring to the entry just below this one: “Spare us the Cutter.” Now that I think of it, the song was called, simply, “The Cutter.” Please disregard.

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