Tastes like burning

On December 7th, my wife and I, with the help of some friends, put down about 3000 square feet of sod in our front yard. It was tough work, but worth every strained muscle and aching back: the yard looks beautiful.
In addition to representing lots of hard work, the lawn also represents a significant financial investment, so I am sort of manic about keeping it looking its best.
Because of this mania, I am ready to fucking kill the goddamn skunks who keep tearing up the edges of the grass each night.
However, I am a peace loving man, and I’ve chosen to refrain from planting AP mines at the corners of the yard. Instead, I bought a big old jug of red pepper flakes at Smart and Final (for 5 dollars, thank you very much), and spread them all over the perimeter of the lawn last night.
Here’s the thing about red pepper flakes: even when you wash and dry your hands really well after you’re done? The oil that makes them spicy is still on your hands. So when you absentmindedly scratch your chin, or rub your eye, or go to the bathroom, every single thing you touch will immediately burst into flames.
Every. Single. Thing.
Burns.
Oh, how it burns.
So when I got into bed last night, I felt like I’d spent a week in Bangkok.
But when I got up this morning, the burning had subsided, and my front yard was unmolested by the little stinky bastards.
Skunks- 5
Wil- 1

127 thoughts on “Tastes like burning”

  1. I can understand absentmindedly scratching your chin, or absentmindedly rubbing your eye…but sweet fancy moses, you are still pretty young…you should not be absentmindedly going to the bathroom for another 40 years or so!

  2. Skunks. Pepper flakes. Burning irritation. I can relate personally, and by anecdote for one of my friends–one day when we’d ordered Thai food for lunch at work, the guy who’d placed the order (a Chinese man from Thailand) told my very white-bread friend that the dark-red peppers were eaten just like candy in Thailand, and proved it by eating one. My very whire-bread friend followed suit.
    He was the same color as the fire extinguisher for several hours.
    Than there was the time in high-school chemistry that a flask containing a dilute solution of hydrochloric acid slipped out of the tongs I was holding and shattered in the lab sink–and splashing me liberally with the contents. Fortunately it was VERY dilute, or I might not be the vision of loveliness I am today! (ROFLMAO…)
    Hope the skunks stay away, and that the aftereffects of the pepper-flake application are all gone–and yes, Wil, try gloves if there’s a next time? Please? For the monkeys?
    Wishing you and yours the best in the new year–
    Syd.

  3. I feel for you man. At least you figured it out before you got into bed with your wife and started GETTING IT ON. My husband is fond of very hot, spicy food and was chopping habanero peppers for salsa… let’s just say he didn’t figure it out before going to bed that night and GETTING IT ON. He certainly washed his hands numerous times with soap and hot water but we all know how well that works on hot pepper oil. I will never look at a habanero pepper the same way again. Oh it burned! Your lawn looks great by the way. Good luck in the battle with the stinky varmints. Go Wil!!

  4. Hey, Wil!
    You really ought to see the Star Trek movie… it was good. They even DID have you in there… non-speaking part, but you were right up there next to everybody else at the wedding. AND, I sat through to the credits… THEY GAVE YOU A NAME CREDIT IN WITH THE REST OF THE CAST!!! Whoo-hoo! That’s better that what Whoopi Goldberg got… I didn’t even see her mentioned in the credits… AGAIN.
    Also, I read the book version after I saw the movie… there is a way for Wesley to be in the next movie. According to the book, Wesley DID go back to Starfleet, made it to a lieutenant, and was assigned to the Titan, Will Riker’s new command. In engineering, surprise surprise. Though I suspect you already knew that, before they cut out the speaking part of your scene. You looked good though, and I think it would be interesting if the next movie or TV series, revolved around the Titan’s adventures.
    I suggest, that everyone petitions Berman to do a series like that… and have Wil cast in it!!!
    P.S.: Wil, good luck with the skunks. I’d rather have the skunks, than the snow out here. BRRRRRRRR!

  5. Oh, Wil? Before I forget… HELLLLLLLLP! I stopped by the store, and saw you brought the William Fucking Shatner line of stuff back… which is cool, except that you no longer seem to be selling the mugs. I want to buy a replacement mug from that line, I lost mine in a fire. Think you can start selling the mugs again, man?
    A very warm, and belated Merry Christmas to you and yours’!
    -David.

  6. ok, im sitting here laughing my ass off not only at you, wil, but some of the other stories on here!!! sorry about all the “problems” you have had in the last few months (and i thought i was unlucky) and happy new year to you Anne and the kids. Brook

  7. lol at least you get to live in california for the winter. lucky bastard. writing this from kansas with 3 or so inches of snow on the ground right now. luckily, i’ll be in san jose after new year’s. :) i love california.

  8. Wil,
    It’s been mentioned once, but I repeat: Make a perimeter of pee. Get a case of beer and get busy. Maybe recruit some (really good) friends. Works on wolves and—from personal experience—on cats, raccoons, and Florida coyote. While we have skunks here, I haven’t had to test it on them. And nothing works on armadillo except extreme violence. But you don’t have ‘em in Cali, I guess. Then again, we don’t have earthquakes (he he he).
    Oh, yeah! I learned a long time ago, wash *before* you pee, as well as after!
    A Fruitful Yule To Ye,
    Chuck

  9. I found out about those peppers the hard way too. After filling 25 jars of pizza peppers at Round Table, I went to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, I was stuffing wet paper towels down my pants, wondering what I had done to make God angry.

  10. Ugh, I know the hell that is laying sod. Years back my parents decided they wanted to get a new lawn. Of course, my brother and I were part of the labor force that re-lawned the 1/2 acre, and that was not fun at all.
    That, and weeding was never fun either. Yuck. I hate getting dirty.

  11. just a quick note about Capsicum(the hotness in peppers). it will work for a little while, but if you have to use it for a long time, the animals will become used to it and actually start to prefer the things you spray or dust. it’s kind of like when you start eating hot things and it’s almost unbearable, but eventually you can’t even eat eggs without dumping half a bottle of tabasco on them.
    i’ve always been a fan of electrocuting the little bastards. just be careful of the fencing, as experience has taught me that when you touch it with the back of your calf you can twitch in such a way that the shin of your back leg makes contact with it, causing you to jerk in such a way that the back of your calf touches it again, etc.

  12. oh, and for things that help ease the burn, milk doesn’t really work the best, as capsicum is an oil, and milk doesn’t mix really well with oil. so what you need is something that will mix with oil and carry it away when you rinse.
    i don’t know if it works on the penis, but sugar water is what scoville used to counteract the burn when he devised the scoville heat index. so, maybe dunking your peepee in ice cream(cold and sweet) would have helped. it also might have added a little something to your lovemaking.

  13. I haven’t read all 120 comments, so if someone else mentioned this, pardon me for being a repeater…
    Alton Brown fans may have seen his special on the chemical that makes spicy food spicy. Without getting too into detail, this chemical is alcohol soluble. Just FYI.

  14. Here’s a tip from an expert dealing with peppers (I’m Thai and I own a restaurant!): wash your hands thoroughly with soap. After the soap treatment, rub well with salt, just regular kitchen salt will do. Wash again with soap. After this, touch the tip of your tongue, if it still burns, repeat the soap and salt treatment. If you’re dealing with just pepper flakes, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get rid off…it’s the Thai peppers that’s another story. :) Oh hey….what’s the deal with the Bangkok thing? That’s my home town!

  15. you know wil…since martha stewart’s career is kind of on the rocks…you could start your own “household hints” program…i mean look at all the suggestions you got when you told WWDN NATION about your “burning organ”…every episode could deal with another such malady…you’d make millions!…and help the world with problems no other tv star cares to discuss.

  16. You know..I’ve been there…slow Sunday afternoon at work….no one around…had three alarm wings for lunch…had to tinkle…
    They never told me to wash my hands BEFORE going tinkle…:(
    Took a bag of icecubes to bring down the swelling.
    :/

  17. Hmmmmmmm,
    I was directed to this page, looking for a remedy for my RACOON problem. Very smart critters. Have tryed tying barrels to tree, even tryed puting a little amonia in bag. Didnt work . I have some crushed hot peppers from my dads garden last year maybe I will try to put some in the barrel. :)

  18. wil I know how u feel i have jalapeno juice on my hands for 2 days now and nothings working for me either.
    anyone have advice for me other that tea bags, lemon juice, milk, vinegar, and keeping my hands cold?

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