Tastes like burning

On December 7th, my wife and I, with the help of some friends, put down about 3000 square feet of sod in our front yard. It was tough work, but worth every strained muscle and aching back: the yard looks beautiful.
In addition to representing lots of hard work, the lawn also represents a significant financial investment, so I am sort of manic about keeping it looking its best.
Because of this mania, I am ready to fucking kill the goddamn skunks who keep tearing up the edges of the grass each night.
However, I am a peace loving man, and I’ve chosen to refrain from planting AP mines at the corners of the yard. Instead, I bought a big old jug of red pepper flakes at Smart and Final (for 5 dollars, thank you very much), and spread them all over the perimeter of the lawn last night.
Here’s the thing about red pepper flakes: even when you wash and dry your hands really well after you’re done? The oil that makes them spicy is still on your hands. So when you absentmindedly scratch your chin, or rub your eye, or go to the bathroom, every single thing you touch will immediately burst into flames.
Every. Single. Thing.
Burns.
Oh, how it burns.
So when I got into bed last night, I felt like I’d spent a week in Bangkok.
But when I got up this morning, the burning had subsided, and my front yard was unmolested by the little stinky bastards.
Skunks- 5
Wil- 1

127 thoughts on “Tastes like burning”

  1. did you not wear gloves? hehe.. sorry to hear about that.
    that pepper also works with keeping away raccoons and oppossums.. =)
    and your Lawn looks beautiful.. no wonder the local wildlife enjoy it so much.

  2. Hope you didn’t touch anything that you don’t want to feel like burning (like down there). Hopfully, you’ll beat the skunk by the end of the match.
    Ana Marylee

  3. Wil,
    You’re so tough?
    “every single thing you tough will immediately burst into flames.”
    Need content check as well as grammar and spell check.
    I got battery acid (little C cells) on my hand and scratched once. Wife was wondering why I just washing those parts in the sink.

  4. Good luck with the pepper flakes… I had no idea skunks were drawn to fresh sod though. Weird, of course my exposure to skunks is pretty much limited to chunks in the road so hey…

  5. For future reference, you should neutralize the pepper oil (its a base compound) with a mild acid solution like vinager or lemon juice and then wash your hands -twice.
    The skunks are looking for grubs in your soil. Get rid of the grubs and the skunks will look elsewhere for food.
    John McGregor

  6. Hey Wil,
    Try washing with lemon juice. The citric acid should break down the pepper oil….at least to some extent. Maybe you could send some crushed red pepper to THAT DICK NAMED RICK BERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………..
    sorry.
    Later,
    Fred

  7. Ummmmm….Since you are male. :P Watch out when you go to the bathroom also.
    Just don’t piss the skunks off too much they might come and spray your front door just for spite. ;)

  8. Soak hands in milk for a few minutes. Then wash. If you skip the second step, your hands will smell rather rank later. If you skip the first step, don’t pick your nose or try out those new supposotories you got.

  9. Hey Wil
    Goodluck with the battle. But just remember , don’t piss off the skunks. They can spray you, your wife, your step kids and your pets. Its good to be humane, but sometimes you have to be like Bill Murray in Caddy Shack, and get those Mother Fawkers. Actually that would be cool and fun. If you decide to go that way, put some pics on the site.

  10. Hooray for Wil…but then again, S: 5 vs. Wil: 1. And the aftermath of the burning might go in favor of the skunks.

  11. You may just want to stay up one night, wait till they come out then run outside yelling and screaming at them like a madman. Or spray them with a hose, youd have to be sneaky to pull that off though.

  12. every.
    single.
    thing.
    Wil?
    hrmmmm…must be a “dick” thing ;)
    which reminds me of a black and white postcard that circulated around venice beach in the aftermath of the L.A. Riots which pictured a generic officer of the law (namely, a cop) wearing pre-70’s riot gear (think hardhat with face shield and mouthguard) weilding a billy club high above his head (as if to strike some perpetrator of the law) with the same logo accompanying — “must be a dick thing”
    at any rate, previous advice of lemon juice as well as tomato juice should work in breaking down the hot pepper oils to allow you some measure of comfort.
    now for the skunks, however…??
    peace, out.
    rainyPDX

  13. metsfan: I can’t believe you saw that. LMAO!
    John and others who know how to neutralize: thanks for that info. I’ll keep it handy. :)
    Mark: Thanks for pointing out my spelling error.

  14. This wouldn’t have me cracking up so hard if I hadn’t been flipping around the TV channels the other night, and accidentally caught the leech scene from Stand By Me on HBO. So the first thing that entered my mind was a squeaky boy’s voice saying, “. . . my penis. . .”

  15. Awww. Since you’re all better, now you can pretend Calvin’s Dad (from Calvin and Hobbes) is sitting nearby and is telling you things like these build character.
    :oP

  16. LMFAO!
    If that should happen again, I suppose you could have put your penis is the milk too. Just make sure to throw the milk out. :P
    Happy Painfree skunk removal!!

  17. *giggles* Pepper, everywhere. Sounds like something that would happen to my mom.
    This is totally unrelated, but…
    I SAW WESLEY ON ST:NEMESIS!
    For like a second at the wedding, but you were there! I was with my dad (as big a trekkie as me, if not bigger) and I started pointing “Look! Wesley! And they said he wouldn’t be there!”
    It made me happy.
    But I wonder, why was Wesley wearing the fancy schmancy Starfleet uniform if he’s not in Starfleet anymore? Hmm?

  18. Oh, Burns!
    I spent a few days in Bangkok once, but it didn’t burn like that. I think you’ve been hanging out in the wrong parts of Bangkok, or your front yard, or something…
    Nevermind.

  19. ALl I gotta say is OUCH! Hope you feel better, Wil and wear gloves next time, ya doof =o)

  20. ahhh…spicy red peppers…
    my wifes family is from india and know’s a thing or two about hot peppers..
    when my wife was about 7 or so, her aunts came from india to live with her and her family..
    one day they were making supper, and one of the aunts gave her a hot pepper and told her ‘if you take a bite of this, you’ll see god!’ (as she winked at her sisters)
    so my wife, only a child at the time, took a huge chomp on the hot pepper…
    dont think she saw god..but man….she still hasn’t forgotten that….
    ouch indeed…
    haha..story still makes me grin..those aunts…hahaha…what comediens….

  21. You didn’t … scratch down there, did ya Wil?
    Well a belated Merry Christmas to you and yours….
    We picked up a copy of Toy Soldiers for a measley 3.00 at the supermarket yesterday (Raleys) and had quite a time watching it. (KICK HIS ASS YOGURT! KICK HIS ASS!)I used to own a copy but since my high school was a boarding school, I lost it forever.
    We noticed something really ODD. At the credits, Sean Austin is first. Then you, our hero, Wil Wheaton. Then the other blonde dude, and then they show the other supporting cast. About 3 people later, we finally see the other two guys (in your group of friends) (their name escapes me at the moment) but basically they were the minorities, and they were shown together. IS it me or is that just flat out being racist? The two other guys should have been listed along with the rest of the “gang” even though they weren’t big name actors.
    Also the scene towards the end with all the SWAT team storming the school, you notice some police are wearing harnesses. In a stoned moment, I realized how funny it would be if those harnesses were attached with 7 inch long purple dildos, and just made me crack up.
    That’s all for now..
    b’dust

  22. As someone else said, the skunks are going after grubs and other bugs in the soil. They are attracted to the edges because of the smell of ‘fresh’ soil. I wouldn’t worry about trying to get rid of the grubs, once the sod grows into the ground the skunks should move on to more disturbed areas.

  23. Grr.
    Now “One Night in Bangkok and the tough guys crumble” is running through my head.
    No, not the whole song.
    Just that one line.
    Heheh.

  24. Points to Wil for the Ralph Wiggum reference.
    Gee, Wil, 2002 has been an itchy, painful year for you. First the poisonous plants (ivy, oak, or whatever), now the peppers.
    Good god, man, watch yourself!

  25. Screw the skunks!!!
    Sorry man…. that really sucks….
    A moment of silence…………………………………………………….
    I do like the idea of sending the pepper over to Berman’s house :-)

  26. Smart & Final rocks lol.. too bad the one here is um, really really close to Suzies and all the weirdos hang around there (Suzies = porn shop).
    The red pepper is a good idea.. I think I personally would have sat out there at night with a little BB gun, but whatever floats your boat :)
    And to wash the smell away, try plain ole white toothpaste (no minty fresh or stuff like that). It takes the onion smell and fish smell out very quickly, I don’t see why it wouldn’t help on red peppers. :D

  27. Lemon juice followed by witch hazel. I cook alot with cayenne, and it’s the only thing that works for me.
    I don’t deal much with skunks, but here, squirels are everywhere. The little fat bastards dig up mums and pansies and eat all the plums and peaches and pecans off our trees. And it didn’t help that our neighbors would feed them peanut butter because they’re ‘cute’. Cute my ass. Check to see if your neighbors are feeding the skunks. After we begged ours to stop, and got some squirel-eatin’ cousins to come by, we no longer have a problem. I fucking hate squirels.

  28. Sympathies, Wil.
    A friend of mine was once in a long-term relationship with a man who had a problem being faithful. One day she found some scary legions in her female anatomy. Furious with the realization, she stormed off to give her beau hell for giving her herpes. In the melee that ensued, he confessed that the rash was not herpes, but instead poison oak. It seemed that while out hiking, he and a mutual friend of theirs had enjoyed an amorous romp in a patch of the plant we never see until afterward. My friend then went over to the other young lady

  29. Neighbor has this immense fir tree on one corner of his front yard, and a hooty owl wakes everyone thereabouts 2am every night on snowy days — clear nights he (she? it?) doesn’t make a peep.
    In the spring, racoons assemble on the roof above my bedroom at night and … “romp.”
    Don’t think pepper will work on either.

  30. Was that “don’t send anything to Bermans house” comment a disclaimer?
    We understand completely ;-)
    Ack. My God!!! Peppery badness galore!!!
    There is only one thing worse. A paper cut.
    I can see Y’all cringing.
    Hope you had a good christmas.
    I’m taking up fewer lines than usual. Interesting.
    To the My-God-I’m-Tired Mobile….

  31. Oddly enough, I’ve never mailed anything to California in my life. Rick Berman is safe for today.
    However, I have a great plot idea for two skunks in an Enterprise episode…

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