Young Chuck Norris Facts

Many moons ago, my wife and I found ourselves at a Black Angus restaurant.

I’d like to welcome back those of you who just picked yourselves up off the floor. I don’t know what we were thinking, either. See, my best friend works at The Arroyo Chophouse in Pasadena, whch is the best steak house in the entire city, possibly in the universe.

But it was a youthful indescretion, sort of like that one that that happened with that intern that one time in the elevator. Whatever, man. Like you wouldn’t have. Quit judging me!

Ahem. Anyway, the waitress came over to our table after our food had been delivered, and asked, "Is everything excellent?" She said it just like that. I mean, I could hear the italics and everything.

I know that this poor girl was just doing her job, just as she’d been when she tried to upsell us on "a half-carafe or perhaps a full carafe of Fetzer merlot" ("Thanks, we’ll just have iced tea," we politely responded) but something inside me snapped. Before I could stop myself, I heard the following come out of my mouth: "Excellent? Excellent? No," I said, "It’s fine, and in fact I’ll even tell you that it’s nice, but excellent? If I said yes, I’d really be devaluing the whole word — and concept — of ‘excellent.’"

Anne gasped. The muzak was interrupted by the scratching of a needle across vinyl.

Remember in Cable Guy, when they’re at Medieval Times, and Janeane Garafolo looks at Matthew Broderick and just says, "Dude?" and we all know that he’s the asshole?  It was like that. BUT! Before you freak out at me, I apologized for my little outburst, and over-tipped the girl for her suffering (I think it was in the 50% range.) But I did not — and I will not — waiver on whether the excellence, or lack therof.

On the way home, Anne turned to me out of nowhere and said, "Excellent? We’re at Black Angus. Let’s try for adequate and go from there."

"Well thanks for speaking up for me when we were in there," I said. "It was excellent that you had my back."

She punched me in the arm, which I whined about for the next several days.

I relate this story now, because I’ve been thinking about the word — and concept of — awesome, and how it applies to my life. Awesome is even more important than excellent, and I’ve discovered that I’ve probably devalued awesome a little bit in the last year or so.

Most of the time, I don’t feel particularly awesome, though I harbor secret dreams of one day achieving a state of hawesome, which I seriously doubt will ever come. But today, I got my very first Well Placed Anonymous Source e-mail, and I have to admit, I feel kind of awesome.


In response to my post about Young Chuck Norris, Deep Throat writes:

Hey Wil,

I have some facts I can share about Young Chuck Norris that may help to clear the air.

It was written October (by Andrew Steele), but it didn’t get a green light until Lazy Sunday’s success opened the doors for shorts like these. The Lonely Island guys weren’t aware of the Chuck Norris Facts meme until after the short aired and everyone started emailing it to them.

It is a parody of 80’s hair rock videos. They liked the American We Stand As One video and thought it would be a cool homage to dress the guy like him. Also it was a convenient way to describe the look to the costume department. The total shooting budget was zero dollars. All of the non-SNL people in the video were just random people from the park (including the kids).

Other than the wardrobe, any similarities are coincidental. They are all just cliches one finds in 80’s rock videos.

Your Well Placed Anonymous Source

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my Well Placed Anonymous Source, (mine! if you want one, get your own, goddammit!) and again invite everyone who freaked out at me about my post to run as fast as they can into that brick wall over there. Trust me, it’s the first step toward picking up a sense of humor.

If any other anonymous sources would like to communicate with me, put a red flower pot on your balcony, or a green "X" made from hand-colored duct tape in the right corner of your car’s rear window. I’ll be in touch.

27 thoughts on “Young Chuck Norris Facts”

  1. I have a five year old cousin who goes to a Christian private school where they have mass or something every week. One day she came home from school and talked about the “How ya doin'” song they always sang. It was actually “Hallelujah”. So this Chrismas on SNL I heard the exact same song in their non-religious medly. I thought it was horrible that the writers would rip-off a five year old girl like that, but I suppose that show business can mess with your moral compass. If your anonymous source has the story behind that I sure would appreciate hearing about it.

  2. I know you know what these words mean but you know. Just for the hell of it.
    Excellent’s definition: Of the highest or finest quality; exceptionally good of its kind.
    Awesome: Inspiring or Remarkable; outstanding.
    Your probably thinking I’m lame but (eww. tofu.) I thought it would be interesting to know what those words mean. Which are you now?

  3. There’s one thing to slightly recommend Black Angus. They have a pretty decent baked potato soup. But it’s not a good place to get a steak IMO.

  4. Oh man… mouth watering. As it happens, I live about 3 blocks away from the Arroyo Chophouse and just had my 31st birthday dinner there last month. That was some good eatin’. Did you know that there’s a Ruth’s Chris steakhouse opening some time soon on Colorado across from Paseo? Hello butter! It’s expensive as hell, but worth a visit once in a while. I’ve been wondering, and maybe you’re a good guy to ask: have you been to J.J.’s steakhouse in old town? Is it good?

  5. I just sat here and read through quite a few of the fark comments … I feel dumber for doing it so now I have to remember not to ever do that again with what little brain power they didn’t suck out of me.
    Is it just me or is it totally lame when someone calls you Crusher or Wesley as an insult, it’s like calling someone who had braces metal mouth … I mean, how original! Did ya think that one up all by your wittle self? You’re so smart … lamewad.
    My random rant of the day.

  6. I’ve been thinking about the word — and concept of — awesome, and how it applies to my life.
    I have to quote Eddie Izzard. Must quote Eddie Izzard. Here we go:
    ‘The universe is unbelievable. I mean our galaxy, the Milky Way, a hundred billion stars – a hundred billion stars! We wouldn’t count up to a hundred billion. We could count up to a hundred billion, but we would not. They have clusters of galaxies, and then there’s big, big bits of nothing, so it’s awesome, yeah?. The universe is awesome using the original version, the meaning of the word awesome, yeah? Not the new one which is sort of for socks and hot dogs: “Hey! Red and yellow – awesome! You got red and yellow socks, they’re awesome!” You know. But if they were you’d be (gasps). I saw an advert for ‘awesome hot dogs, only $2.99′. If they were awesome you’d be going, (gasping for breath) “I can not… breathe for the way the sausage is held by the bun. It is… it is speaking to me. It is saying ‘we are lips and thighs… of a donkey. Please eat us… but do not think that we are lips when you eat us, otherwise you’ll throw up’.” Which is true! It’s awesome!
    America needs the old version of awesome, because you’re the only ones going into space. You’ve got a bit of cash and you go up there, and you need ‘awesome’ because you’re going to be going to the next sun to us. And your President’s going to be going (American voice) “Can you tell me, astronaut, can you tell me what it’s like?” “It’s awesome, sir.” “What, like a hot dog?” “Like a hundred billion hot dogs, sir.”‘
    — from ‘Circle’
    Awesome, eh? :)

  7. Excellent is on the shelf for special occaisions, as it should be… I’m not sure I’ve had that kind of service or food from a restaraunt before.
    Hmmm I should get out more.

  8. Yeah, what the hell happened in that thread? I read the first few then just skimmed to see if you came in to kick some ass. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, “People are dumb.”… Oh, look at that! I DID say it again!

  9. “Excellent” is what the customer says when the product or service is truly excellent.
    A waitron/salesperson should not be asking if the service was excellent. By doing that, even if they were excellent, it makes excellent the status quo. Therefore, after a week or so of continuous excellence, that level of service would be viewed as right in line with expections and in no way excellent.
    “Is everything to your liking?” “Why yes, actually, we found it excellent.” Good exchange.
    “Is everything excellent? You pompous ass, George Clooney farts more excellently than your attitude.” Proper response as well.

  10. Now, wait, is it green or hand-colored? ‘Cause unless you’re the Incredible Hulk, they’re not the same.
    Unless your anonymous source *IS* the Incredible Hulk… A-ha! I’ve outed you, Hulky! I never would have guessed you knew so much about ’80s hair rock.
    (Damn, I had to sign in, so I can’t be anonymous anymore.)

  11. Hey wil, I was just watching some CSI tonight and I saw you(Walter) and I though your acting was pretty damn good. Considering the last time I saw you act was when you were like 17 doing TNG

  12. hey, long time reader, first time commentor. also watching the csi episode with a crazed long haired wil. nice shakes.
    as bill and ted say,
    ‘be excellent to each other’

  13. To Joseph J. Finn:
    The west coast equivalent of the Olive Garden is….
    The Olive Garden.
    They’re all over the place on the left coast too. None of have continued the adventure further west to Japan, or at least not that I know of.

  14. Not sure what this post was about, but I DO like Chuck Norris. Those facts I sent were funny to me BECAUSE I like Chuck Norris and the only reason I ever owned Sidekicks is because…well Jonathan Brandis was a serious crush about ten or so years ago and Chuck Norris was in it. I’m not sure if I was among those that “freaked out”, I just don’t like SNL.
    Why do I feel like I’m about an inch high?

  15. Ah, Black Angus. It used to be a kind of guilty pleasure for James Ernest and me and a bunch of our friends here in Seattle. We called it the “Happy Square Cow Fun Barn”. And we always ordered at least one Milk Chocolate Martini. Where else on earth can you get a martini in a glass rimmed with Quik?
    We had the Cheapass Games Holiday Office party there one year. . . I don’t know if the employees appreciated it!

  16. Kit knocked that one out of the park. Eddie Izzard’s “Awesome” diatribe got me to thinking, as well; when my students write “awesome” in their papers, I write in the corners, “Like socks and hotdogs? Find a more appropriate adjective.” They think I’m nutty, but they’re expanding their vocabularies.
    Back to the point, I don’t know how you handle it, Wil; the countless throngs of people with one sassy, mean thought in their heads, so quick to thrash and trash anything they’ve not had the wherewithal to do for themselves. How do you just bounce them into a brickwall? You’re far more thick-skinned than I could ever be.

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