The April 19th issue of The Onion arrived in my mailbox yesterday (it is a massive perk of being an AV Club contributor) and it’s one of the funniest complete issues I’ve read in months. Seriously, from top to bottom this one is so funny, it makes you want to write hyperbolic statements that begin, "Seriously, from top to bottom . . ."
My two favorite stories are Drunk Will Show You, Everybody
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying
about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking
session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just
minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday.
"You people don’t know [what] the fuck you’re talking about," Stenerud
announced from his stool at Dan’s Pub. "You think I can’t? Know what?
I’ll show you. I’ll show everybody."
And the op-ed Baby, You Mean the World of Warcraft to Me
Come on, honey, why do you have to be like that? You know that
you’re my Elven princess. My one and only. I would dare say that there
is no one in all the realm who doesn’t know of our love. I have sung
your praises from the mouth of the Shadowthread Cave to the
Stranglethorn Vale of the Eastern Kingdoms. I’ve introduced you to my
comrades-in-arms in the Ulster guild, and they all accept you as kin.
And now you want to dissolve the greatest love ever to brighten my basement?
As long as I’m linking to Onion-related funny, the AV Club’s Summer Movie Preview, titled "Why Bother?" is out:
[E]very summer arrives with at least a few movies that threaten to give popcorn escapism a good name, movies like last year’s Batman Begins and War Of The Worlds. With that in mind, The A.V Club humbly presents a list of reasons why you’re probably better off
skipping the multiplexes altogether this summer. Of course, we could be
X-Men: The Last Stand
What it’s about: Those nutty X-Men are at it again, this time dealing with the ramifications of a supposed cure for mutants.
Why it’s probably a waste of time: Four words: "Directed by Brett Ratner." No wait, six more words: "With Kelsey Grammer as The Beast."
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Ratner’s most
infuriating trait, his inability to create a distinct directorial
style, might serve him well here. The trailer makes this look like one
of Bryan Singer’s X-Men films. If Ratner apes those well enough, it might be okay.
Gameplay: Are you ready to jump? You’d better be, because that’s about all you’ll be doing in Circus Charlie.
There are six different levels, and the objectives range from easy
(jumping through hoops of fire while riding a lion, jumping over
monkeys while walking on a tightrope) to more difficult (jumping from
one bouncy ball or trampoline to another) to nearly impossible (jumping
from a moving horse to a springboard and back).
To succeed in Circus Charlie, you’ll need to carefully use
the joystick to set your speed as you time your jumps. However, that’s
the only skill you’ll need to master, and once you’ve got that down,
it’ll be easy to reach for the high score—and to collect all the bags
of money on each level so you can give yourself a sensual massage in
all their bonus-point-delivering glory.
Could be mistaken for: Track & Field, Jump Jump Revolution
I remember being so disappointed the first time I played Circus Charlie back in the 80s, and how furious I was when I inadvertently played it several months later, unsure if it was "that one stupid jumping game that really sucked." In the quarter-centric economy of 1985, it was a significant hit to my otherwise robust portfolio, which was frequently invested in Mr. Do! and Super Pac-Man, with a much more successful return.