in the country of the kaurava king

This made it past my mail filters last night:

This is youur penis: 8–o
This is youur penis on drugs: 8=====O

Any questionss?

He said. Yes, and he can beat any man in the country of the kaurava king (suyodhana) with all his followers an apportionment bill and carefully revise it of view. Insoluble conundrums of john's national zeal and lower stipendsthat a most interesting.

You know why spammers send these things? Because somewhere in the world, there is a guy, and that guy saw a subject line that said "Nothing can seduce women faster than aa…" and shouted at his monitor, "than aa what?! Than aa what? Tell me! Tell me! I MUST KNOW THE ANSWER RIGHT NOW SO THAT I CAN FINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN!"

Then that guy opened the e-mail, saw that little ascii drawing, and was shocked into silence. He sat there, alone, and quietly admitted to himself, "You know what? You're right. My pe–" a sob caught in his throat, and he faced the brutal truth. He didn't have any questionss, only sadness. "My penis looks just like this: 8–o and that is why I can't seduce women."

Redemption was just a click away, though! He grabbed his credit card, went to the website and placed an order, and started making plans for exactly how he and his new penis on drugs were going to walk down there, and fuck all of them sheep.

It's because of that guy that the rest of us get spam like this … but does anyone have the heart to tell him? Does anyone have the heart to take his dreams of seducing women with his 8=====O and dashing them into insoluble conundrums of john's national zeal and lower stipendsthat? Because that guy's life is already pretty sad, and I'm not going to kick that guy when he's downn.

72 thoughts on “in the country of the kaurava king”

  1. So, here’s the question that’ll keep you up( ha-ha… no pun intended) at night: What is the country of Suyodhana(The Kaurava king)?

  2. Hey Wil,
    I’ll kick the fucker! No problem. I have several levels of filters running on my home mail server including grey-listing and some common RBL checks, as well as the weak JUNK checkers through Mail for Mac OS X.
    For the most part, I am saved from crap like this… but damn… if it doesn’t cause all sorts of havoc with my company or some of my clients.
    What is even worse… is the calls that come shortly thereafter:
    THEM: “My computer seems to have a lot of pop-ups now and my Anti-Virus doesn’t work”.
    ME: “Did you open anything ‘questionable’ or maybe accidentally browse to a site that asked you to install anything, recently”
    THEM: “No”
    ME: “Are you sure?”
    THEM: “No way” they look down or away from me
    ME: “OK, hmmm. Not sure the problem, but let’s see if I can clean it up for you.”

    What an asshole – I can check his History and see where he has been – douche!

    That is usually the way it occurs…
    nuff said!
    Bill Teeple
    San Jose, CA

  3. My wife would clearly like = more than – (I’ve been told that it’s all about girth), but where is that wonder drug that will take my penis to a second line?
    That’s probably a bit much — I’m terrified just looking at it. And those drugs have clearly shriveled my Os.

  4. And you have to admit, the advent of true Spam Poetry is one of the best things to happen since Spam.
    “Insoluble conundrums of john’s national zeal” is a great turn of phrase.

  5. I went to google earth, typed in “Kauhava”. Zooming in, I saw myself standing on my roof with all my followers an apportionment bill and carefully revise it of view. I am somewhat scared.

  6. I’ve often thought about this too — that spam would just pretty much dry up if one person in, say, 10,000 wasn’t stupid enough to fall for it. But then I feel bad for Mr. 1/10,000, because he must be in really, really bad shape by now.

  7. I once got spam trying to sell me a “PlayStation/2″. The message featured a brief description of the PS/2’s features, followed by a big empty space, ending with this statement:
    “After, simply complete a dogshaped hurricane about the in-store experience; you shop with our hurricane, but keep the things your dog reads!”
    I love it. This message has been sitting in my inbox since 2004 because I love the gibberish at the end.

  8. I think I know that guy.
    Don’t tell him, Wil. He doesn’t like you for roughly the same reasons he hates Shatner. And Lee Goldberg.
    I’ll tell him. He already hates me for being married twice while he still lives with his mom.
    (Yes, this is a real person. Sadly.)
    (God, I’m mean today. Maybe I should kick Axl Rose or something.)

  9. I have gotten TONS of those e-mails, but the funny part is that the bottom 4 lines are always different and never make any sense! I briefly considered saving them and trying to decode the hidden messages, then I decided that whoever was sending the e-mails just doesn’t speak English at all.
    Anyone who has an interest in hilarious responses to spam should check out a website run by a certain Joe Mallozzi, whose alter-egos Baron Destructo, Cookie Monster, and Aloysius P Hazzlecock always have amusing things to say to the spammers =)

  10. Um, I was just wondering if you could include the email or website to which this spam links. I, er, just want to see if there’s other funny stuff there.
    Ha-ha, spammers are so stupid, and the stuff they sell totally doesn’t work, probably.
    *fishes out credit card while staring, embarrassed, at crotch non-bulge*

  11. Lol. Thanks for the odd post today. Much appreciated.
    Needed the lol – broke ankle last week and am spending the day fuming. I don’t cope well with impairment.
    I got a spam message once that ended with “MORE POWER YOUR ELBOW”
    I really don’t understand what the gibberish is in most of these, but some are quite amusing.
    Have an awesome day,
    -mimi (melissa)

  12. I had one once that was just a bunch of excerpts from “The Man Who Was Thursday.”
    Thought that was pretty nifty. The literary flavor almost convinced me to click the link.

  13. Holy ROFL!
    That reminds of this hypnotist guy I saw once with the in-laws at a local bar. He had this guy convinced that every time someone in the audience tapped the hypnotists microphone his member would get longer, soon the guy was watching it stretch all the way across the room, weaving between the tables, he looked quite pleased, but worried. Then the hypnotist said it was time to fix things back to normal, so now, each tap would bring it shorter. So the hypnotist had random people( dodged a pun about audience members there) tap the microphone. Then when it was my sister-in-law’s turn *TAP* *TAP* *TAP* *TAP* *TAP*, poor had the most dismayed, devastated expression staring at his ‘lack’, it was priceless.

  14. You know, I’ve given it some thought, and I will kick him while he’s down. If someone had kicked his spiritual predecessor, the guy who opened his mailbox and pulled out an paper envelope saying “Pre-Approved Credit Card Application,” then we wouldn’t be getting spam today. By the next step in technological evolution, when they fire e-mail directly into your brain, I don’t want to have images of the platonic ideal of a wang, chemically or bionically or whatever-ly enhanced, haunting my every waking moment. So yes, I will kick him, to keep me from being haunted by dreams of Lightspeed briefs.

  15. It is posts like this one that affirm my decision to keep reading your blog.
    Really, it is almost like you are inside of my head and wrote that especially for me. Bravo!
    But I think the one burning question in everyone’s head is how did you know I have a small penis?

  16. I’ll have to say this post made my day. I needed a good laugh after the call I had during lunch where the wife was telling about how the dog raided the trash can and ate the two cakes she had baked for someone’s birthday party tomorrow.
    Yeah, sometimes life sucks, but then you read things like this after listening to the D&D podcast Ep. 6 and, suddenly, you feel better.
    Thanks, Wil!

  17. My inner 7th grader is so pleased by this that she hands your inner 7th grader a calculator. It has the number 58,008 on it. Without the punctuation.
    Heh. Ascii art is cool.

  18. Wil,
    Since you would prefer not to kick this guy while he is ‘down’ . . . you could always send him a link to a Viagra site – once he orders, takes the little blue pill, and is no longer ‘down’, you can then kick him.

  19. That kind of spam scares me. Not because people actually fall for it, but because the gibberish is so enticing. I have this image of me, where I look too closely at my spam folder and wind up like John Nash in “A Beautiful Mind”.
    Print outs of spam messages cover every wall. Penises of Nigerian Acai berries. Stay-at-home businesses that will help me lose weight. Repl1ca watches I’ve won. Random words will be circled in 12 different colors. Sharpies will have scrawled over and over questions like “Who is the kaurava king now?” “The reason the V in Viagra points down iss?” “Why does all it mean?” And lit only by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, I’ll stare at it all and quietly mumble to myself in a Scottish accent, “But will it really mighty my penis?”
    For that reason, I am glad I use GMail.

  20. OK … let me clarify …
    The dog got into the trash and then ate the cakes, which were sitting in the middle of a tall table.
    Damn you, English language! :)
    BTW, my Twitter name is now @PrayForAidan

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