screw you, q. coffee is for closers.

I'm editing Memories of the Future, and … well, this bit from Hide & Q made me laugh:

Riker explains that, even though he's pretty much a golden god, he's still the same old lovable Riker they've known for ten episodes, and to show them how totally awesome he is, he's going to give some gifts to his friends.

He starts with Wesley (who he claims to know best of all, because of their friendship and long talks, and that one time Wesley brought his friend Dudley into Riker's bike shop.) Riker gives Wesley his greatest wish: the gift of being ten years older, turning him into a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat (coincidentally, having a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat to play with was the costume designer's greatest wish, as well.) Riker then turns to Data, but before he can turn Data into a real boy (a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat, no doubt) Data tells him that it would just be an illusion, and declines. Undeterred, Riker gives Geordi his sight, takes the banana clip off his face, and tells him that he doesn't have to answer to "Toby" any more . . . but Geordi also declines, so Riker turns his attention to Worf, giving him a Klingon whore who snarls and bares her teeth, which is apparently sexy by Klingon standards. Worf doesn't want the K'lap, so he gives his gift back too, followed by Wesley, then Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion.

It was so silly, Jonathan Frakes referenced this scene constantly. He cracked me up every single time I'd walk into a scene and he'd say to some unsuspecting guest star, "Ah, it's my good friend Wesley, who I know so well from all of our long talks, screenings of gladiator films, and visits to Turkish prisons."

Working on this book reminds me of how ridiculous most of the first season was, but it also reminds me how fun it was, and how much I love those guys.

88 thoughts on “screw you, q. coffee is for closers.”

  1. Between this story and the ones from “Happiest Days,” I need to ad Johnathan Frakes to my “not just buy a beer but a whole case” list.
    Cause, you know, I have every chance of running into him in a bar.

  2. I just watched that episode with my kids (who I’m introducing to TNG – they *loved* Data practicing sneezing) a week or two ago and wondered how Riker figured the new bigger Wesley would pick up women with his 14-year-old voice.
    Oh, and add me to the ever-growing list of people who spit some sort of beverage on their keyboard at K’lap. :-)

  3. Maybe he found something more appealing than TV/acting? Lots of folks try it out and find its not for them. Just a job afterall…
    Hmmm… maybe I should look at MY job that way…

  4. I…LOVE this passage! So funny. It’s true, the first season of ST:TNG was usually ridiculous. Just one of the reasons I love hearing your take on the episodes! I thought Matthew Perry being the older version of Zac Efron was a bit far-fetched, but the actor they got to play adult Wesley couldn’t have been less like you if they’d tried!

  5. Witty banter about soccer: watching soccer is actually more interesting than watching some first-season TNG episodes.

  6. Ok, why is it that when I read “oh, Wheaton, that’s a good one,” I’m hearing Patrick Stuart’s voice and not yours? Maybe I still have ST:FG on the brain…

  7. Having recently watch the first season of TNG through Hide and Q, I distinctly remember Riker casually dismissing Wesley as he tried to tell Riker about the Traveler doing his Time And Relative Dimension In Space parlor trick and other assorted day-saving observations.

  8. Wil,
    Absolutely brilliant! Every so often, I catch an episode of TNG on Spike or SciFi. Unfortunately, I have never caught the ones you have so eloquently recapped in your own special way.
    And I have been fortunate enough to meet Mr. Frakes and get my picture taken with him at a Trek Expo a few years ago. He is a hell of a classy guy and I would happily buy him, you, and most of the rest of the TNG cast a beer if it granted me the opportunity to be witness to an hour or two of conversation between you all.
    Makes me wish I was back in Tulsa, OK for the Trek Expo they are having this summer: Mirina Sirtis is supposed to be there along with John de Lancie, Leonard Nimoy, Garrett Wang, and several others.

  9. The K’lap was indeed a good one,thankfully I had just finished my cup of tea prior to reading. What really made me smile was the image of Frakes giving the “Ah it’s my good friend Wesley” speech to guest stars. Did he perform it in a Peter Graves style voice? :)

  10. If George Lucas ran Star Trek you might have been called back 10 years later to be rotoscoped over barrel-chested-blonde guy. Or even weirder they’d put your head on his body. Hide & Q SE, now on Blu-Ray and iTunes!

  11. You know, if someone as anal as George Lucas was involved in that show, they could have taken your older self now and digitally imposed it back into the episode. Releasing a special limited edition (only 16 billion copies produced) version of the episode.

  12. im sure as the character you wanted to smack him around a lil. =)
    Still i loved yoru character and in a way i felt sorry for him getting kicked around a bit. I liked the episode where the ship and crew were infected by that touch bug, where you had to act intoxicated.
    Yes, i like most any of the show’s episodes. Strangely enough i couldnt get into the origional show. for me the story and effects have to be there. TNG was a good step in that direction.

  13. Playing an older version of you, i would have been happy. Though i have a terrible memory, i would even forget single lines.
    Still i think you look better now than the show had shown you to be.
    Wait… I already said that earlier.
    [shrugs] ah well. When your memory is powered by a type 8 singularity reactor, it is bound to suck a lil’ Personally, i perfer something a lil safer to use, those time diolation effects are a killer.

  14. I dunno… even for lucas that would be a bit cheesy, especially since he isnt the living spectere of a jedi master.
    But the crossover in DS9 with the “trouble with tribbles” episode was interesting how it kinda fit.

  15. Coffee is a strange deal, there. its sort of an acquired taste. With somany blends out there, it can be hard to choose. I like most coffees and teas. I have a few varities in the cupboard. Alot of it gifts from friends and family. I like the stuff, but it takes a while to drink that much. I drank alot of it this winter though, cause it was untypically cold and long this year. im just glad the white stuff is gone, i was wondering if it would ever go away…

  16. I dont think ive seen a photo of you with a beard yet. I was curious the other day and decided to look you up on line and to see what you looked like now.
    I was watching toy soldiers at the time. gawd you were young in that one. Then it hit me in the face, your the same age as i am. well, really close anyhow.
    I look at my pictures from when i was 16 up till now, i havent really havent changed that much, asside from the hair and 20 pounds. I will admit i looked a bit odd as a blonde. the picture of my sister and i made it look like i had a girlfriedn in one of the pictures. Really, i am lucky, i dont look my age.

  17. I remember that special episode where you brought Dudley to Riker’s bike shop. Did you ever visit him at work when he was a Maytag Repairman, or when he ran that Ohio Radio station?
    On a lighter note its a good thing that actor never tried to commit suicide, I can see the policeman on the bullhorn now; “Jump, Gordon Jump?!”…splat.
    Ok, I’ll stop now.

  18. I searched Amazon for ‘Memories of the Future’ and only found one book by some guy who’s name looks like it was spelled by a cat walking on the keyboard. Then I came back here and noticed that you said you were editing Memories of the Future…which may have implied to a more well-rested mind that the book has not yet been released. Don’t judge me, insomnia makes me stupid!

  19. Finished “Just a Geek” in a matter of days. Loved it. Reading this book was like a giant kick in the ass. People have always told me to be a novelist, but it’s so easy for the Voice of Self Doubt to rule. Your writing style is easy to read, humerous, and engaging. I really hope Memories of the Future will be available on Kindle, too.

  20. Well…it’s only fair for Frakes to poke fun at you considering the fact that you told him that you could tell that he “used to be cool.”
    I recently did a re-watch of Season One and couldn’t stop laughing at how cheesy the special effects were. I thought they were fabulous at age 13, but now that I’m 35, I think they’re hilarious.
    Seriously, an LED light took over the Enterprise and then had the audacity to call humans “ugly bags of mostly water!” Then there was the famous oil slick made out of Metamucil and toner ink that ate (and later spit out) Riker and killed Tasha, leaving only smudge on her face. She was treated worse than the random red shirt guest stars that are doomed to die just because they’re random red shirts.
    Which brings this question to mind…do any of the random red shirt people put that on their resume? Would they brag about it to another casting director? “Hey, I was the random red shirt guy who was killed off ten minutes into episode 24!” Really impressive, man. Hee.
    Still laughing about Riker telling Geordi that he didn’t have to answer to “Toby” anymore. I’m totally loving this stuff, keep up the good work!

  21. Really? That’s news to me, because I’m the publisher of Happiest Days. Do you have a link for that somewhere?

    OK, after reexamination, I noticed the “Tell the Publisher! I’d like to read this book on Kindle.” phrase. I was having an A.D.D. moment or something earlier…that or I just wasn’t paying attention to details. So, basically, if enough people request that you allow it to be downloaded to Kindle, it’s totally up to you whether or not it will happen.
    Personally, I prefer actual books. But this Kindle thing seems to have become some kind of entity in the last year or so. The only good thing I can find about it would be the “Kindle to the head, I win!” angle. Sure, it would probably give the person I hit with it a concussion, and if I just happened to be reading your book on it, I’m pretty sure we’d both get sued.
    You may want to put a disclaimer on everything you publish from now on saying something to the effect of “I am not responsible if some crazy bitch from Philly hits you over the head while reading this novel on Kindle.”
    Just a thought…

  23. I think he should throw in some Reading Rainbow references for Geordi in future episode reviews.
    Come on, Wheaton, you know you can pull it off!

  24. Which would have made me thirteen. Which also means that…wait for it…you’re still a year older than me…hahahahaha!! Did you honestly think I was being sincere when I said I wouldn’t tease you about that anymore? I’m sorry, man, but you totally walked right into that trap by even bringing up your age. Even after you *almost* used the dad voice on me, I just can’t help myself! hee

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