Wesley Crusher’s Sweet-Ass Motherfucking Bouffant

When I was a teenager pretending to fly a spaceship, I got to do a lot of really cool things with a lot of really cool people. The price of admission to this wonderful world, though, was the most annoying hairdo I've ever experienced in my life. I called it Wesley's Helmet Hair, because it did not move at all once the hair department shellacked it, and I really, really hated it.

There was some decree that hair was perfect in the future, so before every take, one of the hairdressers would come over and drop a small cloud of hairspray around my head. By the end of the day, it was like there was this foreign thing sitting on top of my skull that I couldn't wait to get home and wash off (I clearly remember showering after work, and feeling a slick of
hairspray and other products run down my back, like I was living out some horrible fanfic. Ugh, I'm getting chills
just thinking about it) and when they finally retired this particular hairdo, I may have cried tears of relief.

Well, yesterday, I learned that a friend of @MartySever's loved Wesley's helmet hair as much as I hated it.


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108 thoughts on “Wesley Crusher’s Sweet-Ass Motherfucking Bouffant”

  1. The only one rocking their hair on TNG was Stewart.

    which reminds me about people wondering why baldness wasn’t “cured” by the 24th century. TPTB answered that people had better things to think about in the 24th century than baldness.

  2. That is pretty good. It’s funny how we think as kids not realizing what we’re doing or what we have sometimes. This even happens when we are adults. I remember a time when I was so miserable; we were transiting the Straits of Malacca in August and I was sitting alert 5 on cat 3. It was 1000 degrees out and 1000 percent humidity and then it started pouring rain. We couldn’t close the canopy because it was suffocating so we kept it was cracked open and water was pouring down on to my legs and into the cockpit. Talk about a vivid memory! Yet what I wouldn’t give to be right back there now. Tip of the spear. Revel in the moment!

  3. Hey Wil :) I’m MartySever’s friend who made the macro. I’m glad you enjoyed my tribute to your elegant coif! It’s downright surreal seeing it posted on your blog, and it really made my day.

  4. The same future culture that says people have better things to do than cure baldness says people who have hair must spend a lot of time sculpting it into an immovable, impregnable shell. Unless… there is a matter-energy thingie that does it automatically, like how Ilia’s clothes are sprayed on when she turns off the shower. As this is Trek’s only shower scene and the Ilia character happens to lack hair, we don’t get to see how Starfleet’s auto-bouffant technology works in concert with the auto-spandex feature. On the other hand, a first season scene asserts that Geordi does spend an awful lot of time shaving and adjusting his shaver for a desired level of subtle “human” imperfection.

  5. I just love macros – they are a thing of beauty, they are. This one is pretty inspired, and I love the punchline. Nice to know the bouffants are still rocking it after all this time!

  6. Well, at least it was the 80’s….you could have been a grandson on the Golden Girls. Was it Aquanet? That stuff made your hair hard as a rock…yes, I, too, have horrible helmet hair pictures that I hate! Oh, and cheers to Mario bros 25!

  7. Maybe the bouffant was some sort of protection…from cosmic rays seeping into Wesley’s brain…or maybe to keep telepathic aliens from reading his mind? I bet it could have totally ricocheted a phaser blast.

  8. Oh and by the way….
    Wil you need to make another audiobook or Radio Free Burrito. I am going bonkers at work with nothing good to listen to…and haven’t heard your voice in a while lol.

  9. LOL Too funny. Wil, are you going to ECCC in Seattle next year? Just saw that Brent Spiner will be there too. See if you can get him on stage for Rock Band vocals. 😀

  10. That…is…the…SHIT!!! On a more serious note, I feel your pain Will, I rocked the bouff through most of my high school years (I thought it looked cool at the time). I used to spend 20 minutes in the mirror doing my hair every morning.

  11. Call me the voice of dissent, but I don’t find that funny at all.
    Now, Wil’s description of his hair—second paragraph of his intro—is very good and shows character.
    Oh yeah, and Romulus’ comparison to Janeway. Now that was funny.

  12. awwww shit. i always wondered how anyone found Wesley Crusher ‘hot’ with that spacesuit on…but thanks to the HIlarious shit above, I realize that it was all balanced out with the helmet hair.
    Dude you should have totally bought stock in Lycra and Aqua Net. You’d have made MILLIONS!

  13. lolz. could have been worse Wil – at least they didn’t make you grow muttonchop sideburns and trap you in the holodeck re-enacting Dickens Christmas Carol 😀
    Thanks for sharing

  14. One of the great things about Star Trek is that, if you only saw a close-up headshot of a character, you could immediately tell what decade that show was filmed, just by the hair (Capt. Picard excepted). TOS? You know those were 60’s ‘dos. TNG? Late 80’s for sure. Count your blessings that the show wasn’t shot 5 years earlier, Wil, or you would have been sporting a mullet! 😉

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