From the Vault: Sparks McGee

This was brought to my attention by a fellow Redditor in this thread.

I'd completely forgotten about it, which I can blame on it being written almost ten years ago.

Holy shit. Ten years ago.


To: < [email protected]>
Subject: star trek

Ya know the writers could have solved that whole image problem of Wesley Crusher by


A. Giving him a cool name like "Sparks Mcgee" and a peculiar accent, possibly a tattoo

B. Having him kill people randomly on the ship for no apparent reason.

C. Giving him a cool car to drive around in, like a 1978 Trans Am or one of them Dukes of Hazard cars

D. Giving him a cool catch phrase like "I got a course you can plot"

E. Wear a cowboy hat

Then like Picard would say "Number One, where the devil is Sparks Mcgee?"
Then Number one would say "In his muscle car sir", then everyone would laugh except Worf who would say some shit about honor or something. Then people at home would think, "Man that Sparks Mcgee sure is cool, a real rebel."

Internet, I would like to see Sparks McGee Cosplay at the many, many conventions I'm attending between now and the end of the year. Make it happen, Internet. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

34 thoughts on “From the Vault: Sparks McGee”

  1. He/She left off the part where scantily clad space girls clutched your arms and said “ooh” in breathy voices every time anything came out of Wesley’s – I mean Sparks – mouth.

  2. I’m just gonna say it one more time Wil and I mean it!! Lol.: Wil, I promise this to you, if you actually come to Penguicon this year I WILL make that happen!!! I will even promise you there will be zombies, geeks, nerds, and hot goth girls (and liquid nitrogen ice cream of course) around to make it that much cooler! All you have to do is show up in Michigan at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dearborn for Penguicon April 27th-29th and Sparks Mcgee will live!!!

  3. Are you sure that the Universe can cope with that much Sparks McGee awesomeness? Especially if there’s male and female Sparks McGee cosplayers!

  4. Life is cooler than TV.
    Where is Wil Wheaton?
    He is on a cruise ship for JoCoCruise, sunning himself in February, playing games, hanging out with geeks, and just generally having a great time.
    You have a cool catch phrase.
    All you lack is a cool car, like a Delorean*, and you are set!
    Add to that all the other cool stuff, like getting to play an evil version of yourself**, all the cons you get to go to, and the writing stuff… I think your life is way cooler than anything they could make up!
    * Way cooler than Patrick Stewart’s jaguar. (McGee controls time man, HE CONTROLS TIME!)
    ** You should have worn a goatee, or at least shift your eyes from side to side so people know you are evil!

  5. I wish I had the photoshop skills to make something that glorious. I sadly will just need to watch this post and see everything as it is created. Sparks McGee sounds like the type of hero that could have really sparked out additional interest in the show. The writers really missed a great opportunity.

  6. Believe me, I have no skills. I did 3 Google Image searches. I looked for the “toughest” Wesley I could find, that had enough room at the top of the pic for a hat. Then I googled red cowboy hats (I figured Sparks had the fashion sense to coordinate uniform and hat) and looked for hats that were already at the right angle. Then I googled mustaches.
    After that, just resizing and transparent cut/pasting in Microsoft Paint.
    I’ve tried to use Photoshop before, but my old brain just can’t intuitively pick it up.

  7. Along the lines of “Chuck Norris”
    Sparks McGee is so awesome, he doesn’t beam down to the planet, the planet beams up to him.
    The Borg actually had cool organic shaped ships until Sparks McGee beat every one of them into a cube shape with his bare hands.
    Sparks McGee doesn’t fix the engines on the Enterprise when they break, he gets out and kicks the ship into warp.
    Anybody have more?

  8. You and your friend are officially granted access to my Zombie Apocalypse Bunker, because when we repopulate the earth, we'll need people like you.
    This is my new favorite Tumblr. I'm so delighted that you got excited and made a thing!

  9. And then it happened. He took me to his cabin, and told me his secret. “I am not the real Sparks McGee,” he said. “My name is Ryan. I inherited the name from the previous Sparks McGee, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Sparks McGee either, his name was Cummerbund. The real Sparks McGee has been retired fifteen years, and living like a king on a moon of Risa.”
    Then he explained the name was the important part. You see, no Trekkie would adore the dread Ensign Wesley.

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