I spent way too much time on this.

So this incredibly entertaining bit of spam arrived in my inbox last night:

Hilarious Spam

I just want to thank Nash Morton (who I'm sure owns a yacht, wears the finest silk shirts and only the fanciest of pants) for giving my e-mail address to his friend, who is so concerned about how many wild runnings I miss out on because I have no erection.

Some of you are too young to recall a time when you could run wild just because you felt the need to run wild (it's true, they were days long ago), but in our modern times, if you don't have an erection, you simply aren't allowed to run wild. I vividly recall the following scene:

Me: Is this the place you come to when you want to run wild?

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: It is indeed! Aloha-hail, fellow!))

Me: Oh, thank the gods! I've felt a need to run wild — a compulsion whose origination I know not — and I've finally found the place to do it!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: That's fine news, friend; fine news indeed! Just show me your erection, and I'll grant you entrance to a place where men run wild.

Me: Oh, nuts. Well, the thing is… I don't have an erection at the moment.

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: WHAT?!

Me: I'm ever so sorry, sir. If you could find it in yourself to allow an erectionless man to run–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: CERTAINLY NOT! WE HERE AT A PLACE WHERE MEN RUN WILD STAND FOR CERTAIN THINGS!

Me: But–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: CHIEF AMONG THOSE THINGS IS AN ERECTION! (Calls off, behind an opulent curtain) Jenkins! Jenkins! Come out here a moment!

Jenkins, who has an obvious and enormous erection: Yes, sire?

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: This … man … here, wishes admittance to A Place Where Men Run Wild!

Jenkins: Bully! (to me) Show us your erection, and be ready for the time of your life!

Me: About that…

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: He has no erection!

Jenkins: Oh, that's a jolly good joke, sire! (to me) So, present your erection and I'll personally guide you through the curtain into a place where men run wild!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Jenkins, do you have an erection in your ears? I said that this "man" here has no erection.

Jenkins: Forsooth?! (Jenkins faints)

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Well, I hope you're happy. You've given Jenkins cause to faint.

Me: I'm ever so sorry. I merely wanted to run wild!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Please leave.

Me: May I just–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: No. No, you most certanly may not! I bid you good day, sir. Come back when you have an erection. Perhaps you could talk to Nash Morton.

Me (fighting back tears): Yes, yes, I'll do just that.

So, thank you, Nash Morton. I look forward to taking my future erection to a place where men run wild. I am forever in your debt, sir.

54 thoughts on “I spent way too much time on this.”

  1. Oh my…. I fear I am entirely too amused by this in my sad state of being awake for a lovely 48hrs.
    I find myself cracking madly at the word erection as though I were a gradeschooler again. I thank thee kind sir!

  2. Wil, If you spent way too much time making it, I spent WAY WAY to much time trying to laugh quietly so my co-workers wouldn’t hear as I read it! Thanks!

  3. I for one, would like to thank Wilford Brimley for his Moustache. Without which, this tale would not have existed in all the glory that it is. And I hope HIS erection, does not hinder his diabetes…

  4. I, too, have a compulsory and detailed sequence of hypothetical situations occur to me throughout the day from the most mundane of things. They amuse me to no end and I hold them as proof of my creative and eclectic nature. I have, however, come to understand most others are not quite so amused or appreciative when I share my little Imagine Land vignettes, so I generally keep them to my self, nowadays.
    I am glad you chose to share, though.
    Cheers!

  5. And sadly if you’ve seen the Movie Kate and Leopold, you realize all along that Wilford Brimley moustache and Wil were talking about bridges all along… perverts! lol

  6. Aloha Hail-fellow! I have heard about your troubles of not being able to enter the Land of Where The Men Run Wild, and I have the solution to your problem. I have heard that you would like more information on obtaining an erection so that you can run wild with the Men who Run Wild. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope on the back of a limited edition Wesley Crusher with the Kung-Fu Grip signed by Wil Wheaton to : Enterprise PC, 518 Linden Ave., Buffalo, NY 14216. We will send free information back to you regarding how you can obtain your very own willy, johnson or schwartz to run wild with.
    d(^_^)b

  7. Holy shit, I’m at work, sitting at my desk, eating lunch and laughing like a god damn mad man. This may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

  8. I have an email address that is strictly for personal stuff so I don’t put it out on the internet. Unfortunately, it’s something that a lot of other people apparently wanted as their email address. Let’s say it’s [email protected]. Because I had already taken it, those people had to append it in some way, most commonly by adding a number which they then seem to forget. I am now inundated with spam because those same people can’t seem to remember that their email address is blah8 or 25 or whatever. I also get personal emails for at least three different people, invites to lunch, pictures, etc. Recently, I got all of a woman’s private information because she was filling out a JOB APPLICATION online and used the wrong email address. Since I had her phone number, I called and let her know but what if I’d been an asshole? I could have totally screwed her over. The point of this rant…I HATE SPAM!!!!

  9. And here, all this time, I thought was runing wild. I thought I was having the time of my life. But now I find that it’s all been a ruse, a farce, a pale imitation because I lack the erection necessary to truly be running wild! The horror!

  10. Be honest Wil, this is actually a scene from the TNG episode Justice that wound up on the cutting room floor, and is the *real* reason why Wesley was sentenced to death. It makes so much more sense than the lame flower bed reason. ;)

  11. Um, what is this, I don’t even…
    Does Anne know about this? Only two possible answers, a. never. b. Like us, she’ll think it’s HIGHLARIOUS. (Yes, I know it says High larious.) : P
    One time I got spam that said “more power your elbow.”
    I kept it.
    Though I didn’t write a short story about it.

  12. And I spent way too much time laughing at this. At work. While imagining my Wilford Brimley-mustachioed boss in the role of “Burly Man”.
    Damn you Wheaton, you win at life again!

  13. Hey Wil,
    You really should record your lines and post them so we can mix our own dramatic telling. I’m in a pro-tools class right now and would love the chance to mix this into a nice radio spot.

  14. Wow, english is a funny language (and my first language although I still don’t fully understand it…). I read that email to mean that you were running wild because you have no erection and that Nash could help you correct that, and you would be running wild no longer.
    Which really makes no sense at all. Which I generally expect from those types of emails…

  15. This kind of reminds me of the horror of 7 year old me watching Cocoon and hearing Wilford Brimley make jokes about his penis. That was a simpler time when I knew him as grumpy old grandpa on Our House and didn’t know Shannon Doherty was such a diva.

  16. In case of an erection lasting more than four hours, call me.
    I mean, not me, her.
    Really it isn’t any of my business. Just leave me out of the whole thing. I don’t want to know.
    *looks frantically for exit*

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