I spent way too much time on this.

So this incredibly entertaining bit of spam arrived in my inbox last night:

Hilarious Spam

I just want to thank Nash Morton (who I'm sure owns a yacht, wears the finest silk shirts and only the fanciest of pants) for giving my e-mail address to his friend, who is so concerned about how many wild runnings I miss out on because I have no erection.

Some of you are too young to recall a time when you could run wild just because you felt the need to run wild (it's true, they were days long ago), but in our modern times, if you don't have an erection, you simply aren't allowed to run wild. I vividly recall the following scene:

Me: Is this the place you come to when you want to run wild?

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: It is indeed! Aloha-hail, fellow!))

Me: Oh, thank the gods! I've felt a need to run wild — a compulsion whose origination I know not — and I've finally found the place to do it!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: That's fine news, friend; fine news indeed! Just show me your erection, and I'll grant you entrance to a place where men run wild.

Me: Oh, nuts. Well, the thing is… I don't have an erection at the moment.

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: WHAT?!

Me: I'm ever so sorry, sir. If you could find it in yourself to allow an erectionless man to run–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: CERTAINLY NOT! WE HERE AT A PLACE WHERE MEN RUN WILD STAND FOR CERTAIN THINGS!

Me: But–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: CHIEF AMONG THOSE THINGS IS AN ERECTION! (Calls off, behind an opulent curtain) Jenkins! Jenkins! Come out here a moment!

Jenkins, who has an obvious and enormous erection: Yes, sire?

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: This … man … here, wishes admittance to A Place Where Men Run Wild!

Jenkins: Bully! (to me) Show us your erection, and be ready for the time of your life!

Me: About that…

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: He has no erection!

Jenkins: Oh, that's a jolly good joke, sire! (to me) So, present your erection and I'll personally guide you through the curtain into a place where men run wild!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Jenkins, do you have an erection in your ears? I said that this "man" here has no erection.

Jenkins: Forsooth?! (Jenkins faints)

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Well, I hope you're happy. You've given Jenkins cause to faint.

Me: I'm ever so sorry. I merely wanted to run wild!

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: Please leave.

Me: May I just–

Burly Man With A Wilford Brimley Moustache At The Entrance To A Place Where Men Run Wild: No. No, you most certanly may not! I bid you good day, sir. Come back when you have an erection. Perhaps you could talk to Nash Morton.

Me (fighting back tears): Yes, yes, I'll do just that.

So, thank you, Nash Morton. I look forward to taking my future erection to a place where men run wild. I am forever in your debt, sir.

54 thoughts on “I spent way too much time on this.”

  1. This was all very funny, but after the bit about Nash Morton, all I could think of was, “I am Nash Morton, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.”
    (It’s also what I think of every time I hear Larry Ellison’s name.)

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