BREAKING: JOHN SCALZI EMBROILED IN SCANDAL!

BREAKING NEWS!!

Today on Twitter, noted Science Fiction Author and Cat-Bacon-Taper John Scalzi declared:

 

 

A group of concerned cats immediately replied with this political action message:

Then, in a desperate attempt to deflect attention from his cat bacon taping, Scalzi accused beloved science fiction, television, film, stage, theater, internet, radio, and teenage-fever-dream star Wil Wheaton of being behind the whole thing. Wheaton, who everyone loves for reasons, denied the scandalous allegation. Scalzi then produced an obviously fake “receipt”:

But Mister Scalzi can not produce the LONG FORM RECEIPT! He continues to dodge the tough questions, and instead of responding to a simple and reasonable request, he produced this:

And now, as the real questions begin to swirl around Mister Scalzi, his allies in the Bacon Taping Media have produced this vicious attack ad:

Some say that John Scalzi is wrong on bacon, wrong on tape, and wrong on cats.

Some people say that John Scalzi is WRONG FOR THE INTERNET.

 

DIS MESSUG WAZ PAY FER BY DA KATZ.

we like tuna

30 thoughts on “BREAKING: JOHN SCALZI EMBROILED IN SCANDAL!”

  1. As someone with dubious fashion sense, I defend Wheton’s right to his crappy sweaters. It is taping Bacon to cats that is unnatural! Really, put Christmas sweaters to that. Christmas sweaters are for GOD, taping bacon to cats is just torture! Whoever this Wheaton is, I am voting for him next poll!

    1. In the interest of bipartisanship and leaning across the aisle, I propose that the Honorable Mister Wheaton allow the Honorable Mister Scalzi to tape bacon to Mister Wheaton’s sweater, photograph said bacon, and post the resulting photograph. All in favor of this resolution?

  2. Since evolution didn’t see fit to give cats opposable thumbs, how else are they going to carry their bacon if not by having their humans tape it to them? #CatsBeingPractical

  3. “beloved science fiction, television, film, stage, theater, internet, radio, and teenage-fever-dream star Wil Wheaton”

    You left out “noted author.”

  4. Sure, you tried a crappy sweater once, but you certainly didn’t inhale. And, really, it doesn’t count if you didn’t inhale.

  5. That’s it. I’m voting the Chewbacca/Solo ticket this November. At least THEY will focus on the rebuilding of the ideals we hold so dear…

    … that every man woman and child are entitled to Pasta Arrabiata in the cafeteria of the Death Star WITHOUT fear of needing a tray.

  6. I heard that Wil Wheaton cut John Scalzi off, giving him only one minute to retort and, in a an unbridled nerd-rage, (laced with four letter words like ‘poop’ and ‘dang’), busted Wil’s game table in half before storming off to be admitted to a bacon/tape abuse treatment center…

  7. Insider reports allege that at the Annual Bacon on Toastmaster Fundraiser at Chicon 7 noted dignitaries were heard to say that “47% of Americans don’t even own adhesive porcine derivatives”, deeming them irrelevant regardless of the number of cats owned or sweaters disowned. Truth. We need you NOW.

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