Here’s my flabby, forty year-old, nerdy self, on the beach in Hawaii.


We’ve had an absolutely amazing trip, relaxing and reading and swimming and having beers and mostly just enjoying that, after a year spent mostly apart due to my work, we finally get ten days together.

Well, today, a shitbag decided to intrude on our private vacation. He set himself up on the beach where we’re staying, pulled out a telephoto lens, and decided to take pictures of us for hours this morning.

I saw this guy around 10 this morning, and I thought to myself, “No, that guy isn’t taking my picture; I’m just being paranoid. Nobody cares about me enough to camp out on a beach and take that kind of paparazzi picture.”

Around 3, Anne and I got up from the beach, and walked back to our condo to make lunch. I saw the same guy, in the same place, with the same camera. I sort of glared at him, and he said something to me that I couldn’t hear.

“What?” I said.

“I said, ‘thank you, Wil.'” He said.

“Dude, I’m on vacation, and taking pictures like that of me and my wife isn’t cool. Would you please delete them?” I said.

“Sorry, brah,” he said, “I gotta make a living.”

“Are you serious?” I said. “I’m just trying to be on vacation with my wife, man.”

“Sorry, brah,” he said.

I absorbed the reality of what this parasite had done, and I said, “Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit.”

“Hey, if you don’t like it, go home, brah,” he said.

I was enraged. I was shaking and sick to my stomach. I walked back to my condo, and ate a sandwich (delicious PB&J with Guava Jam!) while I processed the invasion of my privacy I’d just experienced.

I was furious that this piece of shit would spend hours sitting on a beach, taking I don’t even know how many pictures of us, and then have the audacity to tell me that I should just go home if I didn’t like it. Like I was in the wrong for expecting to enjoy some time on the beach without some fucking creep using a telephoto lens to take pictures of me.

While I ate my sandwich (SO GOOD OMG) and finished my Bikini Blonde Lager, I hatched a scheme: Anne and I would render this subhuman pile of shit’s photos worthless (more worthless than they already are, because who gives a fuck about me in a bathing suit) by taking pictures of ourselves and posting them on Twitter.

So that’s what we did. And now I’m posting them here.

Thanks for giving me an anxiety attack in the middle of my vacation, brah. Good luck selling your fucking pictures, you piece of shit. Maybe go find something worthwhile to do with your life, like use that camera to take pictures of the beauty in Maui, instead of playing at being a paparazzo and making someone feel really uncomfortable when they’re just trying to enjoy some quiet time with their wife.

And now: my flabby, nerdy, 40 year-old self… and my amazingly beautiful wife:

And me, in all of my flabby, 40 year-old nerd glory:

Super sexy Wil Wheaton shirtless on the beach. YEEEAAAHHH!!!
Die in a fire, paparazzo guy. Die in a fire, brah.

145 thoughts on “Here’s my flabby, forty year-old, nerdy self, on the beach in Hawaii.”

  1. On the bright side – you’ve officially made the big time now with your own paparazzi stalker. I think it’s awesome that we have a bonifide nerd being stalked for photo ops. Take that, Paris Hilton!

  2. Paparazzi suck and I wish this douchecanoe hadn’t disrupted your vacation. But I will be honest that there’s a little part of me that is sort of excited that he thought you were “big” enough to warrant his attention. It’s like the rest of the world is finally noticing how awesome you are.

    But still, that doesn’t excuse what that guy did, nor what any paparazzo does. I’ve always felt that people deserve a private life and why we rob the famous of that right, I will never really understand.

  3. My first thought was: Why would I need to see a picture of Wil on the beach? I thought he was on vacation?

    Then after trepidatiously reading on, my second thought was: If only EMP generators could be focused into a beam, you could build an EMP gun and delete the photos for him, “bra”.

    Anyway, hopefully, no one else will want to see you on a beach and he will not get paid for any photos.

    And sorry to interrupt your vacation with my suggestion. Read it when you get home and are BACK AT WORK. :)

  4. Way to make lemonade, Wil!

    I love it when people find non-combative, clever ways to resist asshole behavior.

    If this becomes more common, perhaps a pocket full of laser pointers could come in handy. Give one to everybody in your party and just sniper eye the photographer until he goes away. Your lasers have more range than his camera!

    And besides, you’d be solving a problem with a laser, and that’s ALWAYS awesome.

  5. you show that jerk! Good for you! I think u are one of the coolest guys ever! First saw Stand by me for about 2 years ago when I was 15, and ever since I have thought u are awesome actor! Hope u come to sweden for vacation someday!;) If not i hope i can meet u in the US next time im going there!:)
    Hope u and your wife hope you and your wife have a continued good vacation!
    Regards! Hope i can get a reply from u!:)

  6. Relax, Wil, you look fine. Anne, on the other hand, looks all kinds of fine! That’s me trying to give a compliment in a slightly humorous way so as not to sound totally creepy. Fail.

    Nice job handling that guy. And did you see that last comment? How awesome does it feel to know that 15 year olds are still seeing Stand By Me for the first time and loving it?!

  7. I kind of wish you hadn’t posted these, because I always thought Anne seemed like someone I would like, but now I have to hate her a little bit. She does not look like a woman who has carried two kids! Well done, Mrs. W.

  8. I work at a drug store and will hide any gossip mag that has the photos that the dick took of you. I learned many a con ago that you always ask before you take a photo and if you see some one from sports, movies, music, or tv you judge their mood and the situation before asking we have our regular famous people in my store and some are willing like Charles Barkley and some who are not like Amanda Bearse (SP?) but be respectful and ask if they say no they say no they may be busy, in a bad mood, or etc.but use the golden rule treat them how you would want to be treated if you were in their place

  9. Next time do some mindplay, Sparks. You should have told him that you get mistaken for Wil Wheaton all the time & that your name is Bob & then have your wife comes over & ask, “Is there a problem, Bob?”

  10. Although he was totally creepy and disruptive, I have to say, at least the first thing he said was “Thank you, Wil.” Of course, I have no idea if he said his thanks sarcastically or whatever. Regardless, I think you handled it awesomely. Wheatons FTW! Suck it paparazzo!

      1. (again, belatedly, i read your reply after i posted my own follow up.) sorry so slow! i guess the problem is – while i read your blog i hear your voice in my head – decidedly NOT smug and smarmy! your rage is totally understandable. frak that guy. you’re the best!

  11. Paparazzi generally meaning a buzzing insect, hovering, darting, stinging! I hope it didn’t ruin your vacation too much for you and your wife ,and your finger up to the worms will hopefully make him realise what a pointless waste of space he really is 😀

  12. ok, oops. i just now read some of the previous comments in which you had clarified that the dude was all smarmy when he ‘thanked’ you. i guess i just naiively read it in a genuine tone at first. who even reads those cheezy rags anymore? and what could the ‘headline’ for your photo possibly even say? you both look great. enjoy your well deserved vacation! :)

  13. That’s all it takes is1 asshole to fk it up for everyone. Would it have been too hard for him to approach the two of you, say “hey…didn’t I see you on The Big Bag Theory?” and ask to take a picture maybe with the morning sun over your shoulders or on the beach at sunset and be gracious enough to say thanks??? Any chance you took a picture of him? Post it to my Facebook page & I can have some “braddahs” pay him a visit…LOL
    enjoy the rest of your stay!

  14. This sort of ruined it for me. I always imaged that there would be some cool TNG tatoo that all the cast members had that no one knew about. Maybe it’s just been photoshopped out.

  15. Aw, Wil. That sucks.

    I had a serious rant on to my better half the other day about my feeling that the fucking Kate Middleton scandal was not that a woman took her shirt off in her own home, but that some scumbag camped out on a road half a mile away with a telephoto lens taking photos of her.

    I’m glad the sandwich was awesome, and the beach looks fabulous.

  16. Great pictures! Much better than in some trashy mag… Got to wonder if it was your lovely wife that caught his attention first! Have a great vacation and don’t let these douche bags get to you – it’s not worth the stress. Have fun!

  17. i mean this with the most respect possible: you have a super hot wife.

    there is no way that doesn’t sound creepy, i accept this. it needed to be said. i have a condition. or something.

    also the use of the utterance ‘brah’ in actual conversation earns one the death penalty in many countries… rightly so.

  18. I think both you and Ann look awesome, how you handled the paparazzi is spot on and I totally agree with you Guava jelly, heck Guava anything is SO GOOD!!!! I am jealous I haven’t had good Guava jelly in forever!! Enjoy your vaycay and keep smiling!

  19. “Die in a fire, brah.”

    Or, in the immortal words of that most eloquent of songwriters, who devised his own way – somewhat parallel to yours I feel – to revenge himself on a member of that class of scum almost as low as the paparazzo (the critic):

    “So maybe you should quit and get / a job that you’d be better at / like killing yourself / you fucking cunt”
    — Tim Minchin, The Song For Phil Daoust

  20. I feel for you having to deal with paparazzi. I don’t know how anyone in the spotlight copes with it. But, dude, you look fine! Wee love handles never hurt anyone. We’ll start a club. Until then, I’ll just be here, envious of your warm tropical getaway.

  21. Buy a couple of laser pointers and one of those gazillion candlepower battery powered handheld spotlights, and pay some kid 10 bucks an hour to shine both the spotlight and the laser pointer at the dude’s camera.

    Give the kid an extra $10/hr if he follows the dude for a few days doing the same thing.

    You know you can afford it and would totally feel good about it.

    For more fun, let some bloggers in on the act and see if they will follow both of them around with video cameras to record the photographer’s eventual meltdown when he loses a few days work.

    Go ahead, you totally want to do it.

    Or, just post the dude’s picture and license plate number on twitter and let the horde deal with him.

  22. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I really don’t think there’s much of a market in the tabloids for pictures of you on vacation (you’re awesome & all but seriously do you think the Enquirer or People are really gonna shell out the bucks for snaps of you on the beach).

    1. Feel good about wasting most of this douche’s day
    2. If you really wanna have some fun, odds are he simply used the day to be able to claim his trip to Hawaii as a business expense. When the pictures do not show up anywhere, report him to the IRS for tax fraud. Worst case scenario, he gets audited. Best case, they actually find he has evaded some taxes and you’ll get a cut of whatever the IRS collects.

    1. If anything, that douchenozzle’s pics will show up in the “Best and Worst Beach Body” issue of a tabloid that no one really gives a crap about. Meanwhile, Wil’s own pictures are already being shopped into amazing memes. I guess some paparazzi forget that you can’t really creeper-stalk internet celebs, because they are probably going to post their own pictures anyway.

  23. Dear W–
    I’m so sorry your privacy was invaded–but I think your body looks great and I had never seen a photo of your wife, so I didn’t realize what a terrific couple you make :)

  24. Seems to me that a picture of you (as a movie star type of person) should be a part of your registered trademark and should only be able to be released with your permission and payment….

  25. you both look wonderful and the scenery is awesome, as for the nasty guy with bad occupation, he is low indeed, but if you would see him actually dieing in fire you would probably jump to save him, because you are nice(!). Don’t worry too much about idiots snapping pictures, because if squirrels would stare at you, would you be offended? Their level is about that of a squirrel. I hope you put sunscreen! LOL

  26. Whilst you’re a great guy Wil I think if I had to choose between photos of your wife and of you i think your wife wins…..just sayin.

  27. I realize you’re on vacation and this wouldn’t be your first response, but next time, find the nearest gaming store, gather an army of fellow nerds/geeks and storm the beaches!

    No need to cause any confrontation, but by the sheer number of us you can gather from any gaming store you could setup blockers on any paparazzo and ruin THEIR day.

    The paparazzo are free to sit there and take your pictures? Well we’re free to get in the damn way!

    We’d get to help you and ruin a paparazzo’s day all at the same time….can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon!

    We can even get shirts made up! Wil Wheaton Nerd Security Force:

  28. You look pretty good for 40, so no worries. I love your approach, it was direct, but fun. You made me laugh out loud, so I had to register and post to say thanks. :)

  29. I’ve always suspected that if those being photoed by the paparazzi would just do what you are doing in that last picture EVERY time they saw them… They’d be out of business in about 2 days. 😉 Cause who is going to buy a “scandalous” picture of someone throwing their arms wide in joy and grinning like they just won the Price is Right?!? :)

  30. *thumbs up* Well done, Wil. Sorry for the douchbaggery of, well, a douchebag. Sigh…but again, thumbs up. Way to make the best of things.

  31. Aloha e Wil!

    First off, E kala mai! Please forgive. No one from Hawai’i would ever disturb someone like that–however, sadly we’ve become more and more besieged by these cuntbags that come from the mainland. Regardless, I’m sorry that you had to endure that!

    Malama Pono (Be well/Take care) from my ‘ohana to yours!

  32. Calling this douchebag a douchebag seems a bit redundant, but in the case of this douchebag, I feel that referring to the douchebag as a douchebag as many times as possible for his douchebaggery is the best course of action. What a douchebag!

  33. If we are able to ascertain to what companies/magazines/websites these pics were sold, we could letter write/boycott/make an example of…
    I’m deliberately avoiding any site/magazine/etc that is posting pics of Kate, and sending them a letter stating why.
    Maybe, in some small way, we can start a trend so that there’s no demand or outlet for these stalker pics in the first place.

  34. Sorry about the dirt bag, but as some of the other posters pointed out, you’re a big enough deal to have your very own dirt bag. LOL That beach looks suspiciously like Napili Bay. What an awesome location. I was there in 1997, can’t wait to go back.

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