my son is pretty funny

I realized this morning that I didn’t have any oranges or orange juice to make my world famous (inside my house) port wine cranberry sauce to go with dinner tonight, so I grabbed a bag and prepared to walk up to the grocery store.

“I need you to get blah blah blah blah blah,” Ryan said.

“I have no idea what you just said, so write me a list,” I said. Ryan tore a page out of his notebook and started writing things down on it.

Anne came out of our bedroom, and asked me where I was going.

“I need some things from the store,” I said, “so I’m walking up there to get them.”

“How about we walk Seamus and Marlowe up there? They can use the exercise, and then they’ll be calm for the rest of the day.”

I thought that was a fine idea, a fine, fine idea, Stuart, and I said as much. I went to the closet to get their leashes and harnesses. I imagine that the following went through their minds:

Seamus: THE DOOR TO THE CLOSET IS OPEN! A WALK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE ON IT!

 

Marlowe: DOOR! DOOR! DOOR! WALK! WALK! WALK! WALK! WALK!

 

Riley: I’M A DOG!

Seamus and Marlowe ran to the closet, and showed their excitement to get at what’s inside the closet by making it impossible for me to open the closet. You know, like dogs do. This is when Riley realized what was going on.

Riley: OH SWEET DOGGIE JESUS A WALK IS HAPPENING AND WHEN I GO ON A WALK I GET TO SMELL THINGS AND SOMETIMES POOP ON A YARD AND THEN THERE’S A BIRD AND I BARK AT IT AND IT FLIES AWAY BUT I KNOW THAT I COULD CATCH IT IF I REALLY WANTED TO BUT I DON’T WANT TO BECAUSE ANOTHER DOG PEED ON THIS BUSH AND I HAVE TO ALSO PEE HERE BECAUSE OH MY GOD IS THAT A DOG IN THAT WINDOW? BARK BARK BARKBARKBARK!

 

Seamus: Welcome to, like, an hour ago in dog time, Riley.

So I found myself surrounded by three very excited dogs who were determined to show exactly how much they can jump and bark and generally turn my nice, quiet living room into a maelstrom of fur and jumping.

It took a minute or so (an eternity in “I-am-ready-to-go-on-a-walk” dog time) to get them all leashed up and ready to go.

“Okay, so you guys need to walk Riley,” I said to Ryan and Nolan, “because she can’t make it all the way to the store and back. Also there is no way the two of us can handle three dogs plus a bag of groceries on the way back.”

You’ll note that it never occurred to me to drive to the store, because it’s a gorgeous day here and walking places is usually better than not walking places, for distances under 5 miles.

Anne and I headed up to the store, and the kids took Riley around the block. About ten minutes into the walk, I realized that I’d forgotten my phone and Ryan’s list.

“Ryan wanted me to get things and I forgot the list,” I said.

“Call him,” Anne suggested.

“I also forgot my phone,” I said. We looked at each other. Seamus growled at something that only he could see. Marlowe wagged her tail so fast I briefly wondered how wagging dog tails could be employed to power small villages in the developing world.

“You’re on fire this morning,” Anne said.

“Yeah, I know. I’m awesome.”

We got to the store. Anne told me she needed mayonaise to make the wasabi deviled eggs, and waited with the dogs while I got the things I needed. That’s when I discovered that there is pretty much a wall of mayonaise options in our grocery store, in amounts ranging from “I need a little mayonaise” to “GORGE MYSELF ON GALLONS AND GALLONS OF DISGUSTING STUFF MADE FROM EGGS AND OIL AND SHAME.”

I completed my purchases, in the process reaffirming my superpower of wrecking whatever line I’m in simply by the act of choosing it: I got behind two guys who had two things: Pedialyte and Tums (clearly recovering from a hangover). Instead of it taking them less time to pay for them than it’s taken me to write this paragraph like it should have, they paid with a combination of dollar bills, grimy handfulls of change, a little bit on a debit card … and then remembered that they really needed cigarettes so the whole thing started over. Then we got to wait for the cigarettes to show up from wherever they keep them locked up in the store.

I met Anne and our dogs outside the store, and we began the walk home. Seamus and Marlowe were very excited to see children out with their parents, squirrels everywhere, and something on a yard that couldn’t be seen, but required enthusiastic rolling around and grunting to fully appreciate.

We got home, and Ryan met us at the door.

“You didn’t take my list!” He said.

“I know, I was distracted by dogmageddon when we were trying to leave.”

“I tried to call you and your phone just rang and rang!”

“That’s because it was left on the kitchen counter. Didn’t it raise any suspicions when you called my phone and then something playing my Doctor Who ringtone made noise in the house while I wasn’t picking up?”

“Shut up.”

That’s when I saw his list, which made me laugh so much, I wrote almost a thousand words just to introduce it on my blog:

Yep. He’s my son alright.

I am always thankful for my life and the people who are in it, especially my family. This morning’s walk to the market is just one small reason why.

31 thoughts on “my son is pretty funny”

  1. Thank you for brightening my day! You are blessed and seem to realize it – not too common in this day and age. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and thanks for the positive impact you have on the lives of others!

  2. Don’t you love it when you find a piece of yourself in your kids? Sometimes my stepdaughter will say something and it sounds exactly like me but also exactly like her, and I realize just how lucky I am.

  3. My better half always forgets their phone all the time. I’m all “what’s going to happen if get into a wreck or mugged or something? How are you going to call some one?” They just shrug it off. Love your blog dude always have. Happy Turkey day!

  4. Okay that there is some funny stuff! Also I now know that shame is a main ingredient in mayo and that makes sense.

    And I want the cranberry sauce recipe.

  5. That blog just made me wish I was part of your family for these exact two reasons:
    Veganaise (aah yeah, that is the shit!)
    Doctor Who (my mom doesn’t even want to try watching it.)

    You and your family rock.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  6. This is all very awesome. I love the $100 bit.

    Would you be willing to post your cranberry sauce recipe? Because just teasing us like that seems mean…

  7. That’s beautiful.

    You know, I’m not much into sportsball, but my family is from Cleveland. I live in Cowboy-land now, and my dad came to town for Thanksgiving this past week. Turns out the Browns were playing the Cowboys while he was here. He wanted to go, so my brother and I sprung for a trio of tickets. We had a lot of fun as a dad and two of his kids, but the relevant part of this story is that we saved a ton of money on parking by walking 0.65 miles. A glorious 0.65 miles of chatting, exercise, and family time. I heartily recommend such an activity to everyone lucky enough to be able to do so!

  8. I don’t know if Mr. Wheaton is willing to share his recipe, but I can share mine:

    5 lbs fresh or frozen cranberries
    1 cup sparkling ginger ale
    1 cup orange juice
    1 cup port wine
    2 cups granulated sugar
    1 cinnamon stick
    2 TBS orange zest
    pinch of kosher salt

    Combine all ingredients in a medium to large sauce pot (one that will contain everything) over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil whilst stirring constantly. Reduce to a simmer and cook until liquid has reduced by 1/4 or sauce has reached your preferred consistency, stirring occasionally. Remove cinnamon stick and serve with your favorite poultry.

  9. Hey Wil, kids are priceless, you just couldn’t make this stuff up. Your observations (and the detail within) continue to make me laugh and smile.

    Your already a cool guy Wil, but now your an Uber cool guy having the Dr Who ringtone on your phone. If you get time you should head over to http://www.whomix.trilete.net a great mash up site for music fans of all possible genres. You’ll never hear the theme tune in the same way. I stumbled across it a while back when doing a Wedding Video (yes I made a section on the DVD dedicated to Dr Who – he is a big fan and it turned out his wife was too.).

  10. As a vegetarian with high cholesterol, I switched to veganaise… and the overwhelming opinion in our house is that it is superior to mayo. Good stuff.

  11. You have made me laugh right out loud more times than I can count. That’s one more thing I’m thankful for.

  12. That is a wonderful story, as usual! Beyond all of the mentioned by others, I must add a note about my envy that you have enough time to make a statement like this one true:

    “walking places is usually better than not walking places, for distances under 5 miles.”

    When one adds in some time at the destination (5 miles away) you’re talking about spending roughly four hours on such a walk! I usually have too much to do to enjoy such leisurely walks except on rare occasions, plus I live a bit South of Cape Canaveral, FL, so most of the year no one would WANT me at the destination if I’d walked more than ten of fifteen minutes (and rightly so!)

    So I hope you really enjoy those walks and truly appreciate the amount of leisure time that goes into them, and don’t forget to appreciate that you live in a place with pretty darn good weather, too. Great, one more reason to be envious of Wil Wheaton — as if any more were needed.

  13. I laughed so hard at the veganaise comment. As a vegan household, we love this stuff.
    The $100, $200 is they are out is too funny. I often get cash back at the grocery store. Usually $40.00, when they ask “How would you like that?” I always say “$50 bills are fine.”

  14. Okay, I absolutely love this. So one moment I’m looking at a picture of you collating papers and now I am reading the most awesome grocery list in the history of man. This was a productive day.

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