how I made tonight’s barbecued summer squash

I made really yummy squash on the barbecue/smoker tonight. Here’s how:

Get whatever summer squash you like. I love zucchini and the yellow squashes that sort of hook at the top and if you try to talk to them they look at you like you’re stupid because squash can’t talk, you idiot.

I wash them, then cut them more or less in half. I take each half and slice it, longwise, into four pieces. I pretend I can’t hear the horrible screams from the yellow squash when I do that.

Then I put them all in a shallow bowl or something, and toss them in a very tiny bit of olive oil. You can try tossing them in wimpy, but you won’t get them back until Tuesday, and by then you probably don’t want them.

Now the spices. This part is more art than science, so just use your best judgement and be careful not to overdo it.

I use some black pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and Trader Joe’s Everyday Seasoning, which is a grinder with mustard seed, coriander, sea salt, onion, garlic, paprika, and chili pepper. Grind all that stuff up together, and then toss it over your squash. When the yellow squash makes weird porny noises, just ignore it, unless you’re into that thing. Wash your hands when you’re finished, weirdo.

Spread the veggies all out on either the grill, or one of those veggie basket things. The important thing is that each piece of squash is touching the grill with its skin, so its seeds are looking back at you like “you monster we were going to be more plants!”

You want this to be over VERY HIGH HEAT initially, for about 4 or 5 minutes. After that, you can move them to another part of the grill for a little bit while the coals settle down. What you’re trying to do is get some of the skin to heat up a whole bunch and get blackened.

Let them sit on the grill for another few minutes, then turn them all over so the seeds are like wait this is much worse now we’re staring into the “fiery fires of the barbecue and oh god it is burning us into deliciousness!”

If you have wood chips (I use mesquite) throw them onto the coals now, and let the fires leap up and kiss the squash. Play some Barry White if it helps. After a minute — and no longer than a minute — close the lid of your barbecue, so it fills up with smoke. Now you’re going to smoke the squash for about six or seven or eight or whatever minutes. Play some Grateful Dead or Phish if it’ll get them into the mood.

Take the squash off the barbecue and give it a couple minutes to cool, because HOLY FUCK WILL IT BURN THE EVERLOVINGSHITCOCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON’T, which is how it gets its revenge on you.

Some people like the squash to be crunchy. I don’t, and I won’t judge those clearly insane people. If you know one of those mentally-challenged people, just have them reduce all the times by a minute or two, and then secretly laugh at them while you enjoy your cooked-to-perfection barbecued summer squash.

21 thoughts on “how I made tonight’s barbecued summer squash”

  1. With that kind of recipe description, I think you could give Nigella Lawson a run for her money! (And thanks for taking the time to give us the recipe, too)

  2. You can also try ‘marinating’ long thin strips of squash, or it’s lesser cousin the zucchini, in soy sauce (if you like that sort of thing). Or any other type of either vinegary or salty solution you can think up. Good as a side dish or as a grilled brat/sausage/other tubular meat sandwich bun accompaniment.

  3. Best recipe ever. Can we please have a Geek & Sundry cooking show where you describe the preparation of foods as though you are making awkward, but sweet, passionate love to them?

  4. Best time of the year for those grilled veggies. Two suggestions: first, how about some grilled pineapple for dessert… and second… dang, I forgot. You made me too damn hungry!

  5. As a member of the Moderately Squishy Squash Party, I object to your insulting tone and your publishing of instructions allowing those of the more radical Fully Squishy Squash Party (read: fanatics) to potentially create even more squishy squash! The nerve!

    Ken Not-So-Squishy
    Member, Moderately Squishy Squash Party
    P: Englewood 3-242
    M: 3rd Mailbox, 25th Post, Old Squashery Road, Small Creek, Oklahoma Territory

  6. I am DEFINITELY doing this for my birthday barbecue next week. SQUEE! Will be serving that up with a rack of slow-smoked ribs and a bottle of Stone Farking Wheaton w00tstout. Very excited.

    Thanks, Wil… I owe half of my birthday dinner to you now. 😀

  7. Interesting. I’ve grilled Zucchini before but usually in a mix with other veggies. I’m not a yellow squash fan, but your descriptions made me ROFL. I love the idea of smoking it – I will definitely have to try this out!

    And I think everlovingshitcock needs to be worked into the English language more often.

  8. (Slow clap) Brovo! You’ve managed to entertain the hell out of me, while making me want to run out and buy squash. Well done, Mr. Wheaton. But remember, that kind of power must always be used for good.

  9. Recipies described from the point of view of the food? Ohmigod, what a great idea. You asked earlier about “would I buy such-and-such book?” This is a cookbook I would definitely pay money for. Seriously…

    Let me put it this way: my wife and I keep a kosher home, but after reading what the squash thinks of the grill, I’m curious how you prepare lobster. 😀

  10. Holy cow that sounds crazy delicious. And that is a yellow crookneck squash you are describing! And I am growing some in my backyard RIGHT NOW! And man I need to get me a BBQ so I can make this, because wow I want to eat some at this moment, and I can’t, because I don’t have a BBQ. Also I’m at work, but whatever. STILL!

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