Oh, hi, I’m still twelve years old.

I’ve been organizing my game room, and finally addressing the hundreds of billions of Star Trek things I own, including lots of action figures.

I came across one of my Riker figures, and realized something…

They want you to use his poseable arms to hold his awesome phaser, like this:

Riker with his phaser

But this is how it always ended up on my bookshelves:

Riker with his little captain

Because if you’re going to make an action figure that can be posed in ways that make us go hurr hurr hurr, we’re going to do it.

Riker taking care of business

It’s important to be easily amused.

47 thoughts on “Oh, hi, I’m still twelve years old.”

  1. You’d think Starfleet R&D would’ve developed more durable uniforms by the late 23rd century.

  2. He’s asking for a high five, Wil. Don’t leave little Riker hanging.

    And that came out so much dirtier than it sounded in my head.

  3. I’m right there with you in 12 year old land! Also, what’s up with his enormous hands? O.o Ah well, he does have a large phaser to match!

  4. I am 25 and have a similar Picard with phaser on my bookshelf, as well as a much larger Q. Not ashamed.

  5. I had that same Riker figure when I was a kid, and I never knew why his uniform was ripped. My weird brain had to start every scenario with him getting attacked or something to explain it before I could continue playing.

  6. So tame compared what we used to do with my action figures. It’s like they were made to be inappropriate.

  7. And now of course you’re envisioning the REAL Riker of today, 20-30 years later, doing the Exact. Same. Thing…

  8. So when Mr. Frakes sees this, do you think he’ll raise you a masturbating Wesley figure?

  9. Haha. Awesome.
    My husband and I are always twelve. We were discussing my job and he said, “You could volunteer at the local fart bank for all I care, as long as you’re happy with what you’re doing.” And I said, what would a fart bank do? To which he said, “well, like a regular bank they collect and distribute farts.” (Of course!)
    So, I put on my best hoity toity voice and said, “Hello please I’d like to deposit three farts… wait, no… just two.”
    So. Much. Laughing.
    We also draw things all over the glass shower door in the bathroom for each other. The Claire usually pays no attention, until last week when she noticed the enormous dong someone drew on the door, pointed and said “WHAT’S THAT!?”

  10. Does it ever seems strange to own action figures of your friends? Or do you just get used to it after a while?

  11. Looks like Ewan mcgregor as obi wan kenobi in star wars 2 but in a star trek uniform with a light sabre in the first pic. Cool

  12. LOL Love it. I have all my Star Trek toys put aside for now, but I will never get rid of them!

  13. I totally had that same Riker figure. He was the star of many an adventure. We attached Deanna Troi to one of those build your own rockets. Her chute failed to deploy on re-entry and she was never quite the same afterwards. :)

  14. I collected Star Wars figures in college. I would frequently return to my dorm room to find my roommate had posed them performing various sexual actions.

    “Action” figures, indeed.

  15. I have an unopened cadet Wesley (NRFB!)…. I am SO tempted to open it and recreate the above pictures with Wesley…..

  16. Starfleet eliminated that particular model of phaser/replicator for three reasons:

    1) The three foot range of the weapon was found to be impractical.

    2) Though the device was capable of generating an endless supply of delicious taffy, the novelty wore off after about a week.

    3) An unacceptable number of crew persons were killed or maimed because they were unclear as to when the replicator or weapon aspect of the device was deployed… which is to say, several people had their heads removed when they attempted to squirt soft serve into their mouths and the phaser switch was enabled, as opposed to the replicator side of… things.

    I feel like I have a lot of editing to do before this comment can be reduced to a tweet.

  17. “Growing older is mandatory, growing up is voluntary.” Now if someone wants me, I’ll be in my fort under he table with my colouring-in book and chocolate milk.

  18. A friend got hold of one of the Tarzan of the Apes action figures that had a lever in the shoulder to make one hand move. Which was regrettably positioned sort of like the pose you pictured. The hand would move up and down with the lever…

    Mothers DID notice and the toy was recalled fairly shortly after release. But hey, once you buy it, you don’t have to give it back!

  19. Perhaps it’s time to bequeath your action figure collection to your friend, wee little Seth Green.

  20. [email protected] says:

    Brent Spiner’s appearance on The Big Bang Theory, Wesley Crusher action figure mint in box flash back. LoL
    Did anyone ever pickup on that your address on the Big Bang is 1701? And yes, I am a geek.

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