alt.usenet.made.me.laugh

Found on Usenet, authored by O.Deus:

A crowd has gathered outside a dumpster, current residence of the reel
of film featuring Wesley Crusher, at the news that Will Wheaton’s
apperance had been cut from Nemesis.
“First they let him go from the Next Generation and now they cut him
from Nemesis alltogether?” Wanda Killgorne 39, one of those holding a
silent vigil at the dumpster. “It makes no sense. The producers never
realized what they had with Wesley. The show went downhill the moment
he left and they’ve been too arrogant to do what it takes to save Star
Trek. Bring back Wesley as a Starship Captain with Godlike powers.
He’s the only one that can save Star Trek.”
At those words the crowd began chanting, “Bring Back Wesley. Bring
Back Wesley. Bring Back Wesley” but it was clear that their hearts
just weren’t in it.
“Some of us are here because we’re off our medication. Others are here
because Wesley Crusher gives us a reason to live.” William Johnson 56
said delivering an improptu speech from the vantage point of standing
on a stained milk crate. “Still Others because due to our homoerotic
crushes on Mr. Wheaton, orders of protection prevent us from going any
closer to him. Still we all united in our veneration of this lost
reel.”
Saying this Mr. Johnson reached into the dumpster and pulled out a
reel along with several roaches living in the reel.
“Behold the Reel of Wesley.” He shouted as the crowd fell to its knees
before the reel and then rose one by one to kiss the reel and return
back to the private and state facilities from which they had come as
the sun set over the tall buildings, indicating that curfew was almost
over.


This made me laugh out loud.
It sure was strange to see something on Usenet about me that didn’t involve Klingon gang rape.

112 thoughts on “alt.usenet.made.me.laugh”

  1. Why does “Behold the Reel of Wesley” remind me of “O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy?”
    Or maybe,
    “And the Reel of Wesley did SMITE down upon them with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER!!!”

  2. Wil,
    People have just to much time on there hands don’t they? Oh well I found it humorous myself. One always need to find some humor in life.
    Until your next post..
    Matt……

  3. hmmm…the lost “wesley” tapes…i can smell a 2 hour special on fox…leading up to the swatch of tape featuring “wesley crusher” the character that people really wanted to see in star trek films…but paramount realized it too late…just as wil wheaton the award winning actor who portrayed “wesley” became too expensive to appear in a star trek film…after his back to back blockbuster “action hero” films.

  4. Hi Wil, that is pretty funny especially the part about people kissing the reel one by one. Why would people wanna kiss a roach infested reel?
    By the way, I just wanna say sorry that your not gonna be in Nemesis, I was looking forward to watching you in it!

  5. That’s utterly hilarious. It reminds me of the Church of Star Trek on Futurama (any possible guest spots for the talking head of Wesley Crusher?). Oh ewwwww—all that would set up some new and seriously wrong Klingon gang rape stories—sick puppies, all of them (as I run for cover—please sir, I beg forgiveness—I couldn’t get rid of that horrible thought unless I wrote it—the voices . . . the voices):)

  6. You know, now I thing the saying of the moment should be, “KISS MY REEL!”
    I know, that was lame. I’m trying to type and listen to this BBC radio thingee.

  7. Hey Wil, I know this isn’t the topic but I wanna let you know that I stayed up til 4am (thats the time it is in UK now) and caught your radio talk Good luck with the two movie deals!

  8. Just out of curiosity… do you seek out the aforementioned Klingon-Wesley anecdotes, or do they find you…?

  9. Coming up next on E’s True Hollywood Story…
    Following the ego-crushing editing of Star Trek: Nemesis, Wil returns from the brink of madness and addiction.
    [WIL] I mean, what was next for me? Change my name to Corey?
    …when E’s True Hollywood Story returns…

  10. man, you’re doing it right!
    First off, I want to see the Klingon gang rape stuff.
    Nextly- you are the next generation of celebrity. It’s pretty frikking cool, don’t you think?
    You’re the most famous Blogger in the universe!
    I mean, who watches TV anymore?

  11. ok Seriously you were a MAJOR motive no offence but in your last post youi talked about uniforms and i HAVE to ask even though it is totally off THIS subject WHAT WAS WITH THE BELT?!?!?!?!?! I mean oh my gosh…. Ok, ok ,ok everyone who is reading this is probabley like WTF?!?!?… But for anyone who has ever watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and has seen the grey uniform with that belt thingee-ma-bob there is a little part that sticks out and it is REALLY annyoing! I mean no offence but i just have this overwelming urge to fix that belt (even though it is not humanly possible!)… SORRY that this si SO of subject but i just HAD to tell you! so with those words i leave you saying…
    P*E*A*C*E….
    —->JuStInE

  12. klingon gang rape…a little publicized but very sad fact of klingon life during long cruises aboard a bird of prey…for a true klingon it is a very high honor to be the victim of this rite…wil…unfortunatly is not a klingon.

  13. This is starting to sound like a Monty Python routine. Thanks for sharing Wil.
    By the way, stay away from horny Klingons.
    Peace

  14. I would like to express deepest regrets for Wil Wheaton’s being cut from the movie. *Sigh, shudder* At the same time, i’d like to share one of those ideas for an episode that we all love so much: “Closure for Crusher.” Plot: Wesley and the Traveler visit the “Enterprise” era (the TV show. Upon discovering the invention of the holodeck, Wes, *scientist* that he is, decides he must be one of the first to use this. He slugs down a couple of Shirley Temples beforehand, however, and is not in his right mind when he commands that holodeck to “take him to hell.” His dead carcass is found the next morning.

  15. Wil,
    Please do not loose it on me man. If you must, seek-help. Captain Crusher, the traveler,
    who needs no space-ship. I don’t know or maybe it is the hot temperatures. That is another long entry and yes if no one hears it, the tree does fall. I can not remember who said that right now but it is true, maybe. Please do not forget that it is Friday or Saturday or fun-day. You are a strange man at times.
    F.G.

  16. I GOT IT!!! Bring Wesley back from whatever realms of Klingon rape hell he is in for the Federation needs him yet again. I figure with these new found gifts, Wes would be the perfect person to go up against Q! They could title the movie “Star Trek The Q Crusher.” WELL?

  17. you know what…the people who cut you in this movie didnt relize that they just lost a good amount of money by doing that. It’s too bad, no offence, but I never really watched Star Trek, but I was willing to see the movie if you were in it anyways! oh well… And i would have definately paid $8 for that reel!
    your fan,
    sara

  18. Klingons RAPE?
    Shit, I thought they were just having a hard time getting their dicks out of their uniform pants. Next time, I’ll put up a fight.
    No wonder they couldn’t trade for me at lunch.

  19. Possible contents of the scene that was cut?
    1. Wesley Crusher, all grown up and first officer of a starship, has to stand back and look amazed as some new teenage snot-nosed punk genius saves _his_ ship.
    2. Wesley shows up for 5 minutes, tells Data how to save the ship, and vanishes. Data spens rest of film following Wesley’s instructions; the ship is saved. (Yeah, that really does spoil the story. I’d have cut it, too.)
    3. Wesley is married to a hot babe and stationed on DS9, where the Enterprise has been docked before embarking on a mission. Tells Giordi LaForge and Reg Barclay that he always had more dates with “real girls” and advises them to “get out of the holodeck and get a life”
    4. During his time with the Traveller, Wesley develops his initial guess that “time, and space, and thought… are all the same thing,” and concludes that the whole Universe is just “pretend”. Spends too much of the movie trying to convince Riker, who never believed anything Wes said anyway, that it was all just a TV show. Riker doesn’t believe him even when Wes points out the camera and crew working off-set.

  20. The Revenge of the Reel
    By Edgar Allan DOH
    I sit in concentration
    In deathly silence staring
    Upon the Reel of Wesley
    For 3 cycles of the moon
    Eating little – drinking less
    To hasten the promised vision
    Of knowledge long forbidden
    I drive my senses reeling
    To the place of sanitiy’s realing
    Til the roach comes knocking
    Knocking on my door
    (What? Ravens are sooooooooo passe.)
    And in a voice, both calm and deep
    (A role tailor made for James Earl Jones
    Get his agent on the phone
    And if he’s not at home
    Then that Hamill guy will have to do)
    The roach begins to speak.
    “Sorry to disappoint you, kid
    And I know that this will shock you
    But the real of Wesley
    Is not within this Reel contained.”
    Quickly shooting out my hand
    I grab an empty bottle
    And turn the heretical roach
    Into a paste upon the floor
    I calmly resume my fevered staring
    Upon the Reel of Wesley
    Awaiting truer visions
    To come knocking on my door
    (I’m hoping for Cameron Diaz
    Trailed by Jennifer Lopez
    Who is just ahead of
    Sweden’s Olympic Bikini Team)

  21. Klingon gang rape? I’d rather burn my sockets out. But the guys look wierd so best not ask anymore questions.

  22. Im imagining a “Raider of the Lost Ark” style death to all non-belivers who look upon the reel, with mr Wheaton descending from on high to smite his enemies with…erm….something…maybe an all powerful monkey avatar…i’ll go now.
    Ps Congrats to any A-levelers. Hope u got what u wanted…I did :-}
    PPS How can wil riker (one) perform a gang rape (many)? Anyone…Please…?

  23. There’s always:
    “The DREAD PIRATE WESLEY is HERE for your SOULS!!!!!”
    That’d work too. Gotta figure a way to fit the Reel and Roughy’s cat in there too somehow, tho’.

  24. …It sure was strange to see something on Usenet about me that didn’t involve Klingon gang rape.
    *spits A&W Cream Soda all over monitor, keyboard, and printer with new cartridge*
    *strikes Kirk-like pose*
    WHEATON!

  25. EnglishBen:
    “PPS How can wil riker (one) perform a gang rape (many)? Anyone…Please…?”
    Easy… Wil Riker has a duplicate created by mixing an ion storm and a transporter explained in that one episode. Though two people don’t necessarily constitute a gang, I think having two horny Rikers is close enough. :)

  26. It is the year 2368:
    A crowd has gathered to open a vault containing the two pieces of human history thought too dangerous to be in the public domain. But the protests of billions have finally been heard and the contents will be revealed.
    Suddenly, a hiss penetrates the crowd. I sounds like a warm ten story beer can cracking open.
    The crowd draws a collective breath. The vault is breached.
    One man enters. Two packets adorn a small table.
    One, a pile of dusty, molding sheafs of ancient paper – the dead sea scrolls – are shoved aside.
    The true treasure is a reel of tape.
    A cockroach scuttles away in panic as the reel is lifted gently from the table.
    Its title: Crusher, TNG; Nemesis.
    A jumbo-tron screen displays the reel to the waiting crowd’s eyes. Shouts of joy and fear fill the air.
    An atmosphere of tension fills the silence which issues after the initial outbreak of emotions.
    The man brings out the reel and threads it into an ancient device. The jumbo-tron goes blank for an instant.
    Then, to all waiting eyes, the screen is filled with the visage of Wesley Crusher. Not a sound issues from the crowd now. Not one breath is taken.
    The action begins: It is a wedding reception. Wesley reaches over and pinches Lefler’s ass, with a caress bordering on waxing affection. He smiles to someone off camera, then staggers to his knees and falls to the ground. The world spins, fades to black.
    The action continues: New scene. A hospital room. 21st century. An old woman, Wesley’s mother, leans over the hospital bed looking at Wesley with love and concern in her eyes. Wesley cracks a weak smile. He looks around. “Where am I?”
    “We thought you would never come around, son. You have been in a comma for eight years. The only words you ever spoke were, ‘aye captain’, and other nonsense. The doctor’s say you can lead a normal life now.”
    Fade to black.

  27. JuStInE,
    The unzipped looking belt had it’s own thread in the soapbox when he first started this new page up – it’s probably still there. There are many of us that couldn’t understand why someone didn’t fix that.

Comments are closed.