Late yesterday afternoon, Federal Express visited upon my house not the plague so many were hoping for, but the edited manuscript of my book!
That’s right, my very cool, working-for-free-because-he’s-a-great-guy editor, Andrew, finished up his notes, and I have the “red letter” version sitting right here on my desk.
Boy, are there a lot of red letters! I need to go back to college in a big way, and take a “Grammar for fscking idiots” class
Writing for the WWDN will probably be a little light for the next few days, while I focus on doing my rewrite.
OH! One last thing I forgot to mention:
Beware of hitchhiking ghosts!
Heh. Sorry.
Really, one last thing I forgot to mention:
Sitting amongst the messages in my Inbox yesterday, there was an e-mail from one of the fine editors at The Onion. In it, he told me that they’ve collected some of their favorite AV Club interviews, and put them together in a book called “Tenacity of the Cockcoach.”
He asked me if I’d inform the WWDN readers about this book, because he thought it was the sort of thing you’d all like to read . . . and he’d really like to buy himself a new boat. (Well, he didn’t say that last part, I just added it, but if you saw the e-mail, and read between the lines, you could tell.)
Putting on my best Don Corleone voice (no easy task in e-mail) I told him that I’d be happy to plug the book, if he’d do me a favor.
See, there’s this old News In Brief story from a few years ago that I just love. As a matter of fact, I think it’s the funniest one they’ve ever done. The sad thing is, I haven’t been able to find it anywhere on their website, or in any of their books. I told him that if he could help me out, I’d be ever so grateful.
I pet my cat as I typed this, by the way, just to get the right mood.
Well, about 90 minutes later, I looked at my Inbox, and sitting there was the story which brought me so much laughter so many years ago. I read it, and giggled like one of those paint-huffing kids that you see on NOVA during the pledge drive.
Holding up my end of the bargain, I now proudly pimp to the world the latest and greatest from the brilliant staff at The Onion, Tenacity of the Cockroach!
Also, knowing that the world needs laughter, I present the story that I loved so much, hoping that my new best friends at The Onion don’t sue me:

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

135 thoughts on “hoo-hah”

  1. Nice story. Sounds so familiar…
    If it makes you feel better, I’m wearing a T-Shirt to the Las Vegas Nemesis premire tonight that says…
    Oh my God! They cut Wesley!

  2. Well, when this book hits the New York Best Seller’s list and you make mega bucks from it, I hope you send a note to (Rick = Richard = DICK) farking Berman and smear the shiznit all in his face!
    Ya know, I graduated from high school in ’93 and truly don’t recall reading any books since then. Looks like it’s time to start. Yep!

  3. Wow, Wil! Congrats… That’s got to feel really good (knowing how good it felt to finish the 80+ page first draft of a thesis chapter…) Way to go, and your posse’s just waiting to rip it off the printing presses!
    And EnglishBen, don’t make me have to start singing “Oi’ve Got a Brand-New Coimbine ‘Arvester”, or we’ll *all* be sorry… 😉

  4. The Onion story is hilarious. My favorites of all time are the one about the “Super Monkey Collider” and “Madeleine Albright Visits Some Totally Fucked-Up Nation”. Remember either of those? Alas, both have long since disappeared from the archives. Maybe Uncle Willie can get them back…

  5. the onion is brilliant! i only wish i were as clever as they are. i’m going to print ‘shit parking ticket fuck’ b/c that’s just too funny to NOT have on the fridge.
    thanks for pulling the strings.

  6. “In it, he told me that they’ve collected some of their favorite AV Club interviews, and put them together in a book called “Tenacity of the Cockcoach.”
    Cockcoach? I think that is probably the worst job I can think of. “C’mon team…you can do it…aw screw it.” 😉

  7. oh, and my fave came from the question section right after 9/11 (too f.in hilarious how they rotate the same photos) and it was a ? like “should flight attendants have guns?” and one of the guys answered in a way that was like, “shit yeah they should, that way they could say, “i SAID put your motherf.in tray in the locked and upright position….” or something to that affect. i laughed so hard and my 87 year old grandma sure got her kicks from it, as well!

  8. Yes,that Onion article is rather funny, one of my favorites, but mostly because I had a friend perform it onstage once. A farking riot, lemme tell ya!
    But I figured if you thought that was good, I have a site here you might also like, its along the same line of humor.
    There are several parts to it, click on timeline to get to the goods. Anyway, it was something that I found and thought I would share.

  9. My favorite Onion article (will be always and forever) is the one about putting Christopher Reeve on top of the Washington Monument.

  10. Wil:
    Thanks for the heads up on the Hm site-that’s hysterical! I thought I was the “only” that loves the Haunted Mansion! Fugget about the
    grammar-if Junior and his destruction of the
    English language can be in the WH-you can write a book!
    By the way-TNN ran the STNG where the Borg turn Picard into a Republican-sorry-a half Borg-and
    when Riker gives the order to crash into the Borg ship-the look on Wesley’s face is priceless-
    “oh S###-he’s serious!”
    Patrick Stewart should have gotten an Emmy for that show and the episode with his brother-great
    Good luck with the blue marker, Wil!

  11. Jesus Fuck you cant post that shit that makes me laugh that just fucks up my keyboard when I shoot pepsi out of my gawddamn nose on my fucked keyboard damnit!

  12. The much anticipated ‘Life and times of Uncle Willy’ grows ever nearer!
    (Puts on Mr Burns voice)

  13. oh my head — God bless the onion! i love that news story. i remember reading it once and nearly falling out of my seat. almost as funny as “Man Walks on Fucking Moon,” which i still laugh just thinking about. thanks for getting them to send it to you and sharing it with wwdn readers. your pimping will pay off. we own all the onion books and i may just buy the new one on uncle willie’s recommendation.

  14. So will the book be available to those of us up in the “Great White North”? (That’s Canada for those of you wondering). Can’t wait to sink my teeth into the book.
    Hopefully the pages are pre-seasoned? 😉

  15. 35 bucks for an autographed pic? Man…wish I could get some one to give me thirty five bones for scribbling on a piece of photo paper.

  16. Wil, your grammar does NOT suck. I would be overjoyed if all my students could write essays with as few grammatical mistakes as there are on WWDN.
    Although you do use some of those funny American spellings. 😉

  17. Hey Fucky! I was gonna boycott Star Trek Nemesis, but then i saw that your sorry ass got cut so now I’m waiting in line as I write this! You made me cut myself in STand By Me, and your character was killed (and rightfully so) in the first half hour of Deep Core. See you in the unemployment line jerk.

  18. ** Pardon me for changing the subject of the thread… Wil, it was nice to see you in uniform this morning in ST:N. I’m sorry your dialogue was cut.

  19. The Onion is excellent, so I applaud your taste in humour, sir. If you’re feeling far out one time, and you’d like to try something ostensibly British (don’t ask me why), check out the Framley Examiner, which is loosely based on local newspapers on this side of the pond.

    You should be proud your dialogue was cut. I certainly wouldn’t want to be associated with that abomination they call Nemesis.
    It was just awful.

  21. Fuck, my goddamned favorite Onion article has to be the fucking “O.J. Simpson” issue after that shitbag asshole was fucking found innocent, goddammit. Nearly every fucking article was about that dickhead fuck, with such great fucking headlines as “O.J. Simspon Denies Having Played Football.” Shit, that was fucking good.
    Of course, the “Our National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over” article (after Dubya stole the White House) was good, as was the classic “Christ Returns to NBA” article, complete with a picture of His Holyness doing the famed Ascension Dunk.
    Wil, kudos for not even mentioning a certain movie that came out today. Maybe *I* shouldn’t have mentioned it. I’m, reluctantly, going to check it out tonight and maybe I’ll share my thoughts with the other Monkeys here tomorrow. If I weren’t going with a buddy I haven’t seen in ages I probably wouldn’t bother at all. My wife’s waiting to hear what I think. I’m not sure what you liked about the script you read, but the critics are not being kind.
    Roger Ebert may have written the best review. He said what a lot of us have thought for awhile now. Here’s the link:

  22. Dear Mr. Wheaton:
    I know your time is precious, so I’ll reduce what would be a lengthy, poetic, eloquent and moving letter to basic “highlights”:
    1. I’m a lifelong fan. Even before STAND BY ME (which stands as one of the best movies ever made about childhood), I remember your performances in THE BUDDY SYSTEM and as the voice of Martin the rat in THE SECRET OF NIMH, and always admired your talent, humor, and intelligence.
    2. I liked Wesley, and don’t understand why the character has such a bad “rap”. (Isn’t it true that during the run of the show, you received more fan mail at Paramount than either Michael J. Fox or Bill Cosby?)
    3. I’m anxiously awaiting your new book! Though it’s not my day job, I’m an asipiring writer myself, and just published my first novel this past October. (I’ll spare you the details of the book itself. Of course, all the good reviews are true, while the bad reviews don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.)
    4. I know a copy editor in NY who works VERY cheaply, and am best friends with a graphic designer — both might be able to assist you with anything if you needed it. They were invaluable resources with helping me get my book off the ground.
    5. Happy holidays, and my best regards for your future endeavors!
    Kindest regards,
    Adam McDaniel

  23. ‘Boy, are there a lot of red letters! I need to go back to college in a big way, and take a “Grammar for fscking idiots” class.’
    Heh – see what reading too much Slashdot gets you Wil? :-)
    Good luck with the book.

  24. Hope the book turns out well man! Oh, and ‘Watch’ ‘Toy Soldiers’, wernt you in that? Oh, heh yes you were, and I thought it was a great movie. Thats a different cover shot then I have on my VHS, but hey thats cool.. wait Im rambling about nothing.. ok then

  25. Wil – I just saw nemesis and you were in fact in it after all! No speaking parts, but there’s several shots where you’re clearly visible…
    I’d say the film was a bit better than Insurrection, but nowhere near first contact. I’m off to see it again in a few hours though… :)
    I read in a slashdot comment (so it must be true!) that Brent Spiner said on MTV that there would likely be more ST movies if this one was a financial success… so perhaps it isn’t the end after all.

  26. Wil, quite glad to see you in several wedding shots in “Nemesis” and with a cast credit in the film (I stayed late to specifically check). Were you expecting this?
    Folks, if you see the movie, do NOT explain every plot development to your clueless-about-Trek girlfriend and wife. It will only piss off the Trek fan who is sitting to the right of your wife.

  27. As has been stated, you were in “Nemesis.” I stopped paying attention to what was going on during the wedding scene to look specifically for you. It’s too bad you weren’t more visible or focused on. I feel like I know you, and to see you on a real, live movie screen would just be cool.
    Anyway, I thought the movie was pretty good (I totally did not realize that was Dina Meyer as the Romulan), but it’s the only Star Trek movie I’ve seen in its entirety. I think it will be a financial success, which might mean you get to be in the next film. Now that would be cool.

  28. Wil,
    It takes alot of patience to write a good book. I hope nobody ever holds their breath, waiting for me to write one. Since school I no longer revise. I know your book will turn out fine because most of the things you have put your mind into have turned out good.
    By the way, your twin brother was shown in the new star trek movie. He did not speak but he was shown. It was worth seeing because, to me, it was a fun way to spend a part of my day. Those editors and directors are so unpredictable.

  29. Wesley got some screen time (even if it was w/out dialogue). What I don’t understand is why they cut Ashley Judd (unless those damn Star Trek chat rooms were lying to me all along). Yeah Wil!

  30. Wil,
    I just noticed that you set your “Watch” graphic to be “Toy Soldiers”.
    This is ironic because I just saw it again last weekend on cable, and wanted to ask you about it.
    In the scene just before you die, you beat up a guard and take his gun. Then you run outside and get killed! What WERE you thinking? You had the drop on the sucker! You just waved your gun around while the fsker pulled out his gun and blew you away! You KNEW there were guards outside.
    Even if you didn’t want to shoot him from behind the door, you still should have been able to blow him away, prop him back up, and blow him away AGAIN!
    Kids today. Just don’t know when to camp.

  31. I went to see Nemesis today in montreal friday 13th for the premier at 1pm with 2 of my friends (WE’RE DIE HARD TREKKERS) and we loved it. We were looking for you WIL but I’ve known your site for quite a while and I was aware that you wouldn’t be there. Well I liked everything except that DATA had to give his life to save Jean-Luc Picard and Enterprise-E, I thought they did a backup of DATA on to B-4 and that it would then be used to restore Data into B-4’s body but I’m not sure I understood that part but is B-4’s singing Data’s song a sign that Data will be back ?? I was surprised to see that at 1pm when movie theatres are not so crowded well for Nemesis it was sold-out meaning the movie is going to do well I hope and it also means there’ll be an other movie.
    Thanks Wil!!

  32. Wil,
    saw you in nemesis…how could they not explain how your character was there in a starfleet uniform? and whats up with the wraith of khan rewrite (world destroying type weapon…major character dies, yet his memories/consciousness are saved)
    Mccoy – spock
    B4 – Data
    and wheres my “Don’t worry, its dark in hell too” line from riker?
    i hope the DVD is full of xtras….good to see you in the beginning scene though

  33. Hold up. Isn’t there some sort of contract that there are going to be six movies total anyway? What is everyone so worried about? (Starts sweating from nervousness) I can’t live without my TNG.
    On a lighter note, you’re ageless, Wil. I saw you on The Weakest Link and you in no way looked 30 years old, dude. I guess that’s a good thing.

  34. Way to go, Wil! You’ll be the next Stephen King or Michael Crichton! When you get the book published you have to have a huge splashy book signing. Please let your loyal friends at WWDN know cause I want one too!
    (Preferably at night cause I work!)
    LOVED the piece from The Onion!!!!!

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