from the vault: my awesome dog

When you break the world down into dog people and cat people, I guess I'm mostly a dog person, even though I've loved every cat I've ever owned.

Sometimes, though, my dog tests me, like in this entry from the vault…

When I was at CES [a few weeks ago] for InDigital, I got a phone call from Anne.

just had to tell you how totally awesome your dog is." She said, in a
tone that indicated "my dog" (what Ferris is called whenever she does
something particularly irritating) was anything but awesome.

"Oh?" I said, "please tell me what my awesome dog did."

I took some bacon out of the fridge for the kids, and put it on the
counter. Then the timer on the dryer went off, so I walked into the
laundry room –"

" — you mean the garage?"

Ha. I am so funny.

" . . . yes. The garage."

Oops. Pressed my luck a little bit, there. Shutting up, now.

"Anyway, when I got back into the kitchen, the bacon was gone, but your dog was licking her chops, awfully close to an empty bacon package on the floor."

". . . bitch!" I said.

Yeah. So you don't worry, I already called the vet, and it's nothing to
worry about. " She went on to tell me about her conversation with the
vet and why we shouldn't worry. We expressed our undying love for each
other, and I hung up the phone.

"Hey Hahn," I said, "want to hear how awesome my dog is?"

forward to yesterday morning. In my kitchen, on the counter, is a
jalapeño pepper in a plastic bag from the grocery store. I love
jalapeños, and I frequently slice and dice them into all sorts of
things. Like ice cream.

Anne woke me up at 7, holding the jalapeño in front of my face.

"Want to know how awesome your dog is?" She said.

"This couldn't wait until I woke up?" I said.

Grrr. Wil grumpy. Wil stay up too late playing poker. Wil sleep now.

"Your awesome dog grabbed this off the counter, and chewed the hell out of it."

"She didn't eat it, though, I see," I said.

"No, and I don't think she'll be jumping up on the counter any time soon."

At that moment, Ferris walked into the room, with the very adorable were you talking about me? look on her face.

"You know what she's saying right now?" I said. "'Mom, dad, I don't want to alarm you . . . but there's something really wrong with the bacon.'"

Ferris had a small tumor cut off her hip about six weeks ago. It wasn't a big deal, but it had the potential to turn into a big deal, so we had it removed. The surgery went perfectly, the surgeon's margins were completely clean, and now she's on some medication for a couple of months to make sure that whatever caused the tumor to appear goes off to the Land of Wind and Ghosts, and stays there.

The thing is, the medication she's on makes her extra antsy, extra thirsty, and extra hungry. For the last six weeks, she's been getting into everything, taking things off the counters in ways that I've always thought required at least one opposable thumb, digging holes everywhere, bringing all kinds of random junk into the house from outside, and generally being a huge pain in the ass.

It's not her fault, and we know she isn't trying to be disobedient, but we've had to dog-proof the house the same way we once child-proofed it, and it's worked out pretty well.

Um, until about an hour ago, when I walked into my living room and saw this:

Yes, that would be the trashcan from my bedroom, caught on my dog's collar. This would also be a copy of the crappy cameraphone picture I snapped and sent to my wife with the caption, "Your awesome dog."

74 thoughts on “from the vault: my awesome dog”

  1. Having two cats and a Greyhound, I can relate. I am constantly entertained at how an eight pound cat can terrorize a 70 pound dog!
    Have you ever thought of feeding Ferris a raw meaty bones diet?
    You’re a smart man, do some research. There is a boatload of info on raw feeding online. I’d be happy to share my experience and thoughts. You could see a dramatic, positive improvement in behavior and health.
    I’ve been feeding my Grey raw for 3 years now. You can’t beat the health benefits and, it ends up being cheaper than kibble and canned food.

  2. That’s real cute and funny and all that. But I think you’re a wee bit mistaken on the whole concept of cat ownership. If you’ve ever really had a cat living with you, how can you honestly say you owned the cat. I’ve got a cat looking at me right now and I’m pretty sure he knows — what? Yes, sir. Right away, sir! I’ll get your plush mouse and scratch your head immediately, SIR!

  3. Our 17 year old Dachshund “baby” passed away this Valentine’s day. Your post made me smile-Chloe was always the mischievous one of our two dogs, even scrambling up onto the dining room table back when she was younger. If you pretended to forget there was a cookie in your hand, she’d inch toward you on the sofa, watching you out of the corner of her eye, then leeeeeaaaaan in so slow…and gently lift it out of your fingers!
    A friend has a cat who’s allergic to almost everything. He gets a very special diet and he’s always crazy to taste anything else at all. He once made off with a whole plate full of bacon, which he ate while wedged inside the lining of her mattress, utterly unreachable and happily smeared with grease. After which, he was horribly sick because bacon is one of the things he’s allergic to.
    RE: the Q-tip story above: our oldest cat likes to steal Q-tips and poke them through the furnace vents in the floor. There must be thousands of them in the ducts by now.

  4. HILARIOUS! I thought the old vaulted story was great, but the trashcan pic took it to another level. Oh dogs. :)
    PS – Jackie and Bender on 106.1 up here in Seattle were talking about you this morning and how you hate all things Star Trek. Wha? I don’t think they heard me say “Nuh uh!” through the radio.

  5. Wow. Two morning jocks who don’t have a fucking clue are making claims about someone that are easily proved false? What an incredible shock that is.

  6. upon the difference between cats & dogs: upon walking into the kitchen & witnessing the trash can upended, a dog will either, 1), look embarassed & hide, or 2), look annoyingly cheerfull at what they have accomplished. however, a cat will look at you in total disbelief at what occured when they ran into the trashcan while upending the dishes on the counter while chasing that annoying leaf blowing just outside the window. damn that leaf! my dieter never had much of an appetite (unusual for a dobie/shepard), but he would sneak the most unidentifiable into his digestive track–never figured out what he would eat to end up with what came out. unfortuneately, there is no cure for disintegrating hips or the trevails of old age, i had to have him put down 2 wks ago after 15 years of devotion.

  7. I have a little dog (mini poodle). You’d think little dogs would be less trouble because they can’t reach the counter top. But oh no, mine _climbs_. She’s figured out how to get on to the dining room table and goes crusing for candy (she’s got a wicked sweet tooth. unfortunately her favorite is chocolate). The screwy part is she’s smart enough to figure out that she’s not supposed to eat the wrapper, but not smart enough to realize that the empty wrappers are how she keeps getting busted. 😉

  8. I laughed so hard, my niece came in and wondered what was going on. I relayed the story to her and showed her the photo. She giggled, poked my laptop with a chubby little finger and said, “Now the doggy can take out the trash and Wil won’t have to!”
    So if you felt the urge to use this to your advantage…

  9. jonquil – I’m so sorry for your loss. Making that ultimate decision was put upon us twice for our two labradors, and it’s heart-wrenching. That’s why we hesitate to have another pooch. Losing another just might finish me.
    I mourn when I lose cats also, but maybe there is not the same amount of emotion invested. Dogs are higher maintenance, but I think you become closer to them because of that. Cats are fairly independent. You provide food and a place to do their business, and they are self-sufficient.
    One of our cats, Lacey, is especially attached to our daughter, Amanda. When Amanda leaves for the day, Lacey will inevitably cry for awhile, and then drag, by her teeth, one of Amanda’s little decorative bed pillows out to the hall, as if she is leaving a present for when Amanda returns. We all thought this was cute until Lacey dragged one of Amanda’s push-up bras into the front hall when we were all gone for the day, and that was the first thing we saw as we entered the door. Poor Amanda….

  10. My awesome dog story: six-month old dog got her collar stuck on the bottow drawer of my dishwasher–she was “helping” to clean off the dishes. Fortunately, it was just being filled, because she and the entire drawer ended up in the other room, where she commenced a major freakout until the collar broke.
    I could not stop laughing, poor thing was in such a state.
    She didn’t try to eat out of the dishwasher for several weeks after, but it didn’t keep her away forever…..

  11. I’m glad she made it through surgery. My guinea pig had surgery a year ago & it is so hard to tell how they are recovering when all they do is pee & spaz out.
    My awesome cat story: I have a kitten named Dr Mulder [X-Files/Dr Who reference]. I was having an extraordinarily bad week-a friend’s dad died, I was moving, a friend was getting divorced etc. I was walking in the front door with a friend of mine, saying “if one more thing goes wrong I’m going to have a nervous breakdown”. The straw that broke the camel’s back? Mulder had gotten on the counter, stolen a roll of paper towels & shredded them all over the kitchen. I started laughing so hysterically I started crying. The cat just sat there with that “what did I do? I”m precious” face. Oh it was special. A week later, I was with the same person & I heard noise coming from the bathroom & the cat had knocked over the trashcan & was dragging pads through the house.

  12. I’m mostly a cat person. Right now my feline has taken over my pillow so I’ll end up trying to move a eight pound ball of fur who tends to be cranky when she’s woken up.
    But I did remember this Livejournal post about sweet potatoes that I thought you might find amusing.

  13. Prednisone is some nasty stuff. First we had a dog on it for a while, then when the itching from allergies got out of hand for us, our allergist put us on Prednisone. It just really weirds you out. Your thinking is really messed up, wanting to eat all the time, really can’t trust what you’re going to say, which is not good when you do customer service.
    Basically, you’re acting like you’re constantly nervous (eating part), going berserk, bouncing off the walls, can’t control what you say as much as you normally can (whatever your “normal” is) and sleeping is next to impossible.
    I feel for Ferris – been there, done that (several times).

  14. Hahahahaha. Ferris, you’re awesome.
    Bacon is the way to my dog’s heart…just say the word and he is instantly at your feet. Bring it in the house from the store and it goes straight into the fridge; any lags or deviations will result in the bacon being dragged to his bed like prey. The same goes with loaves of white bread (but not wheat). Life without dogs would be unbearably boring.

  15. Just keep her away from Xylitol (a sweetener found in pretty much everything sugarfree from gum, to toothpaste, to jello/pudding). For instance, a few pieces of Trident gum can kill a small dog in about 1/2 an hour. We were lucky and blessed to catch ours in time and that $1 pack of gum (which we probably got for free from the work snack table) cost us $1100 in vet bills (and one very cranky dog and two really pissed off cats since we didn’t know who ate the gum since our cats will eat anything as well – asparagus, pineapple, ear plugs). By the way, it was the dog (thankfully she’s a large breed so even though she plowed through the pack we got her to the vet in time). She pooped out charcoal covered wrappers and gum for the next week.

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