this is really gross. you have been warned.

There is a tree near my house, that has probably been there for years, just doing its tree thing, watching patiently as families come and go, empires rise and fall, and Isengard is flooded. I'm sure it's a beautiful tree, cheerfully trading carbon dioxide for oxygen, providing shade, and most likely supporting several birds and squirrels. It's a lovely tree, I'm sure … but I hate that motherfucker because I am super allergic to whatever pollen or voodoo or evil waves of itching sneezing bullshit it emits. I've seen doctors and witch doctors and oracles and psychics* about it, and all anyone's been able to do for me is suggest I take an antihistimine (Oh? Really? Thanks, medical professionals! I never would have thought of that on my own!) and … well, that's just about all I can do, so just pay the receptionist on your way out, Wil.

In the course of your life, you have probably come across someone with allergies. It's possible that this person has told you that having allergies is awesome**. That person is a liar.

You see, in addition to the itching all over my skin, the sneezing and coughing all the time, and the general annoyance that accompanies being constantly under assault from a fucking tree***, I have a severe case of what a specialist calls "allergic rhinitis." Translated into English: I snore like a beast, and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's warm and humid right now, which apparently makes the trees really horny, because I've just been dying the last couple of days. I'm snoring so badly, I've temporarily relocated myself to the pull out sofa in my office, so that Anne can get a good night's sleep, and I don't have to wake up every time she does because I can't stop snoring godammit.

The thing is, the cats have their litter box and their food and stuff in my office, and over the last couple of days, I've found out that my cat Watson likes to eat dry food right about 5am, and then take a giant toxic nuclear shit as soon as he's done.

Yeah, you're probably going "eeeewwww gross" right now, but at least you haven't been woken up twice in two days by the suffocating Cloud of Cat Shit Stench**** like I have, so maybe keep a little perspective, gang.

Anyway, the whole point of this sordid tale is this: when Watson woke me up this morning by punching me in the face from inside my nose, I thought this would be pretty funny: "Me: Dude, come on, cat. Your toxic shit is suffocating me over here! Cat: I CAN HAZ-MAT? Me: Yes. Yes you can."

I know, it's a long way to go for a silly joke that isn't even that funny four hours later in the cold light of day, but the important thing is that I just wrote about 500 words for the sole purpose of joking about cat poop.

 

*Not really. Psychics are bullshit con artists who prey on vulnerable people.

** I don't know why someone would say that, but I also don't know why someone would go see a Michael Bay movie on purpose, so maybe I'm not exactly making a whole lot of sense right now.

*** Get it? Fucking tree? Because the pollenating tree is, literally, a "fucking" tree, but it's also just a fucking tree because I hate it. Like I said, I'm not making a whole lot of sense right now.

**** That's a level 4 monster from Monster Manual II, though having encountered it I think it should have been in the Fiend Folio

 

139 thoughts on “this is really gross. you have been warned.”

  1. Then you get what you deserve? Talk to your vet. If it smells that badly, your cat is passing alot of protein through his system he isn’t using and therefore, smelling more than he should. Also possible your cat has an intestinal problem and that is why your litter box smells like something died.

  2. Ha ha! Your post just caused severe LOLs. I used to have kitties until said allergies, I think you mentioned something about them?…caused me to send all kitties to other loving homes. My cat only ate when people were around, and also took toxic craps. Luckily we hid his litter box in a closet, but STILL. They were gnarly.
    Also: go to hell, trees, I’m sick of you.

  3. Oh, Wil. You just made me snort coffee ALL OVER my keyboard. Now, I was raised in a fart joke/toilet humour family, so poop jokes are nothing new to me. However, I have never encountered a CAT poop story. This is comedy gold, good sir. I can sympathize with you on the stink too, my cat loves to catch mice and lizards and if those don’t produce the foulest stench on the planet, I don’t know what does.

  4. And I can’t stop laughing at this post! I am sorry you have allergies, but your suffering made me laugh out loud, so that’s a good thing. I laugh because I sooooo know the stench of nuclear cat poop, and it doesn’t matter what you feed them.
    My son (who happens to share your birthday coming up in a few weeks) suffers from pollen allergies, so we listen to him sniffle and snort all night. Hope you and my son feel better soon.

  5. Is the Cloud of Cat Shit Stench a weather pattern related to the Bog of Eternal Stench? I just cleared out the Swamp of Ferret Fecal Matter yesterday.
    Yeah I hate my allergies but luckily I don’t have the snoring problem. I’ve found that Sam’s Club has 12 hr allergy medicine for cheaper than Walmart or anywhere else. Still sneezing and sniffles but better than nothing.

  6. I just laughed hard enough to tear up some which loosened up my sinuses a little. freaking grass and pine pollen So you allergy/cat poo story just helped someone else’s allergies.

  7. My cat’s litter box is just outside my studio. I swear they time their usage of the thing so that they take a massive dump ever time I just get started on the days work. It doesn’t matter what time it is. When I sit down in that chair, it’s suddenly poop o’clock to them.
    With our cat Echo it’s not such a big deal. With Ryo-ohki, though, it’s completely different. Her mother never taught her to bury things properly, so she just leaves it right on the surface to fester. Instead of doing the right thing covering it up with all that nice litter, she sits there and scratches on the side of the box for about five minutes. She then has the nerve to come up to me looking for attention right after the fact.
    I love my cats but they can be tricksy. As far as allergies go, I’m with you 100%. I love trees but sometimes I wish they’d calm down with the sex. It’s like getting stuck in a hotel room next to the young couple who get it on like a pair of rabbits. No one gets to get a decent nights sleep.

  8. Wow, can I ever empathize with this….my cat Ember does the same exact thing every morning at about 6am. She eats her breakfast (which is a special vet-prescribed food) and then…..well, you know. If I’m awake and in the vicinity of her litter box, I want to cut off my own nose. And then puke. It’s insane!! Thank goodness there’s a window in that room which remains permanently open.
    Wil, I love your blog posts, and have for years and years…. yes, even when you post about your cat. :)

  9. I found it quite funny, but I am also OSHA 40 hour HAZWOPER certified. Supposedly that means that I know how to don the appropriated projective equipment to clean up your cats hazardous waste.

  10. We have two cats, and keep the litter boxes in the laundry room. The stench still makes it out and circulates with the central air or furnace (whichever season it is).
    As for allergies, I hear ya man. I’ve given up and now take a daily allergy pill…this season it’s Allegra that’s working for me. I have to switch it up every season to see which one works…Alavert, Claritin (same drug, different results), Zyrtec is out for me due to causing wierd aural migraines.
    I also have a CPAP for my sleep apnea that I think helps a bit with the allergies, and keeps my snoring down. It’s annoying to wear at first, and I don’t know if they prescribe them for rhinitis, but maybe ask about it. You can also rent the units instead of buying at first to try it out. It has filters on it, so I think that’s why it helps.
    Anyway, hilarious story. I couldn’t imagine sleeping by our cats’ boxes because of the bombs they lay. I swear every single time we’re in there doing laundry, they want to show off to us how big and stinky of a load they can drop.

  11. “They” say that this is one of the worst allergy seasons in years. Even if you got rid of that tree, your neighbourhood is full of other horny trees and they will continue to torment you – even more if you cut down one of their brothers. You don’t want to make Tree Beard angry now do you?

  12. Laughed so hard at this, I couldn’t breathe. I also grew up with tree allergies and a cat named Watson.
    You’re making me miss my kitty, uber-stench and all.
    Don’t suppose you ever post cat pix? I’m curious.

  13. While I feel for your pain, I do have to commend your ability to turn your suffering into enjoyment for the rest of us.
    Another hilarious post!
    “Lane, Feed the cat.”

  14. At least your cat poops IN the litter box. One of mine likes to poop right in front of the litter box, after dumping some litter in a pile outside it.

  15. WWWWD*? Cut the fecking** tree down??? Not an option? Really? How about Hill’s Science Diet for the kitty… For a few pennies more, it might just do the trick, it did for us, when we had four at once…
    * What would Wil Wheaton do?
    ** substitute the last true vowel for the letter e. (y doesn’t count)

  16. First off…footnotes! *claps giddily*
    Secondly…I can empathize with the stenchageddon. Before we moved, the only place in our old apartment the litter box would fit was a small mudroom-type space by the basement stairs (we were on the second floor, so not our basement). Of course, this tiny room was right around the corner from our bedroom. Thinking we were smart we’d clean the box before heading to bed, only to have Tigger (affectionately referred to as Tiggersaurus Rex) lay a fresh one within minutes of us finishing cleaning duties and going to bed. Without fail.
    Needless to say, in our new place the box is nowhere near the bedroom. In fact, it’s in a special built compartment above the basement stairs that can only be accessed by the cats via a “secret passage” in a closet.
    Thanks for writing up this story. It brought a lovely laugh to my afternoon.

  17. The tree makes your skin itch? Itch like crazy? Because I recently moved to the East Coast *from AK* and my allergies have been SO bad and I’ve been itchy all over. I thought it was a food allergy, but maybe its those damned trees…

  18. I have no sympathy for your nuclear toxic cat shit smell. We had a dog. It pooped outside. Deal with it.
    At the severe risk of you having already tried this, i’d like to suggest some strategies (goes for Anne as well, for best effectiveness):
    -Take a shower before bed
    -sleep on a clean pillow case
    -keep pets off bed as they most likely carry the allergen in with them (good luck with this one)
    -flush nostrils with a nasal saline solution to clean out pollen
    -avoid fans at night because it just stirs it all up
    My husband suffers too and while these steps don’t eliminate the symptoms, it does make us sleep better (though i do still keep the foam earplugs by the bed).

  19. Not sure which is worse:
    1) I read a 500-ish word article about cat poop with a one liner joke at the end.
    2) I enjoyed it.
    No…I know which is worse. Time to find my cap of shame and go stand in the corner…

  20. *gigglesnort*
    We once had to keep an inch of water in the bathtub at all times, or our cat would pee in the tub. She also liked to sleep in the sink. Cat: I CAN HAZ CERAMICS FETISH? Me: Apparently, yes.

  21. I can hazmat is fucking hilarious. Maybe my brain isn’t working too well either?
    OTOH, I can’t have cats ’cause I’m allergic, so a small part of me (not my nose, clearly, though my nose is indeed small) is jealous.

  22. Here in Central Texas we have Cedar Fever season where our cars are a constant shade of tree-spunk yellow/green. Your comment hit the mark-very funny! :-)

  23. I feel for you with both the humidity (so that’s where it went!) and the Hazmat Danger Zone, Wil.
    Seriously though, upgrading your cat’s food will at least solve that last problem. It did for my two. While high-end cat-food costs more, they don’t need to eat as much, and your olfactory synapses will thank you.
    During oak and pine-pollen season out here, I change my A/C filters every two weeks. Makes a huge difference.

  24. I am a new reader to your blog, but I have to say. I love your humor at mundane things. I have a hubby that has to sleep in the other room for his snoring, and a cat that has unsavory habits as well. /salute

  25. My tree allergies were terrible when I was a kid, they gave me asthma attacks (I remember one spring the nurses at the hospital remembered me, “Hey, kid. The usual?”), but they’ve improved as I got older. They even went away for a while and then came back. One thing I learned is that not all antihistamines are the same, what you want for allergies like this is loratadine.
    My cats do horrible things in the litter box too, but I have found that feeding them Before Grain food has helped a lot with that. I noticed a difference when I had to give them cheap food for a little while, blech. If there was any way I could get the cats to go outside I would, but living in an apartment makes that hard.

  26. What would the saving throw DC be against a Cloud of Cat Shit Stench? Is it for half damage or does it negate? Is it a reflex save or a will or even a fortitude save? Or could it be a ….Whil save?! Lol. Very entertaining cat poop story.

  27. I saw a witch doctor and he told what to do.
    He said “Ooh EEh OOh Ahh Ahh”
    In actually I think he was allergic and scratching when he said this, so he may have been full of shit.

  28. I’m sorry, but perhaps it’s because my own lack of sleep due to over-hyper cats at 4:30 am this morning, but I found this to be the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Thanks for giving my a LOL break today!!

  29. I’m not sure if snoring from allergic rhinitis can be handled in the same way that snoring related to sleep apnea is, but if so you might want to look into the TAP 3 device. It’s an oral appliance that extends your lower jaw to open up your airway and alleviate snoring (obstructive sleep apnea as well).
    It’s a major relationship saver — I am no longer expelled from the bed at 3am amidst a flurry of cursing. Ask an ENT doc and check out the device here – http://www.amisleep.com/

  30. Yeah, this was a pretty good post. Occasionally my cat will drop something heinous and unrealistic in the litter box and change my world. I understand.

  31. Well, the one good thing about living in the desert, especially one where it hasn’t rained in six months (I kid you not, the rest of the country is drowning, we’re drying up), is that there is no fucking vegetation. Well, there is vegetation, but as per your vernacular, it isn’t bothering to flower or make itchy pollen because, it’s just trying to stay alive. No “fucking” vegetation.
    Sigh, I miss rain, anyway.

  32. Has anybody suggested Allergy Shots? I have the same Allergy induced Rhinitis, but after the shots, I have come back to normal and sleep much, much better.
    This is the next step if regular over the counter drugs don’t help. (with my two penny medical degree advice.)

  33. for such small animals they can smell so rank … this is why our cats went from inside animals to OUTSIDE animals ;)I think they enjoy making us suffering through their vulgar smells.

  34. In my experience (and I have a lot of experience with cats) when a cat lays a giant nuclear shit and doesn’t cover it up, they’re saying “get the hell out of my room.” Not much that I know of to do for that really, other than cover it up with some fresh litter and hope the cat gets used to your being there.
    As for allergies, I feel your pain. I don’t know anything you haven’t already tried, I’m sure.

  35. Hilarious, I laughed out loud and my co-worker is giving me an odd look now.
    I have two cats, and when we recently moved into a house, a friend of ours built us a cat run as a house warming gift, so I keep my litter box outside. So glad I do, because I know all about the Cloud of Cat Shit Stench; I think the ones my cats produce have a CR of like 20 or something.

  36. I’d be more sympathetic, but honestly Wil, you brought this on yourself. Next time, when your horny Ent frat buddies (Sigma Lambda Fangorn?) ask to crash on your front lawn, JUST SAY NO!
    “The Ents are going to war… with Wil’s FACE!”

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