No time to explain why this is funny. Just get in the car.

I am never going to sign the stack of things you have. I am never going to take pictures with you. Waiting in an airport or some other place waiting for me (or someone who isn’t me but does similar work) is profoundly inappropriate. It makes me very uncomfortable, for reasons I’ve written about before, and I will not reward or encourage this kind of behavior.

In Dancing Barefoot, I wrote about signing autographs at conventions:

Over the years, I’ve learned something from this experience: it’s never about the signature. It’s about that brief moment, that brief encounter with a Star Trek cast member, that is so important to the fans. That 30 seconds or so of hopefully undivided attention is what they’re really paying for, and I always do my best to make sure they get their money’s worth. Contrary to popular belief, sitting at a table signing hundreds of autographs for several hours without a break is hard. It’s not just mindlessly scrawling my name; It’s stopping and listening to the always excited, sometimes shaking, always sweating, sometimes scary dude who wants to know exactly why I did “X” on episode “Y” and would I please sign his picture in silver, because Marina signed it in gold and now he wants the men in silver and the women in gold, and I hated your character and here are 25 reasons why and I expect an answer for each one of them and I’m not leaving until I’m satisfied.

The crazy people who camp out don’t care about that brief moment, that brief encounter. The crazy people only care about taking a piece of $Celebrity.person and possibly selling it, or hording it, or … you know, I don’t even want to think about where that path leads.But that’s why they behave the way they do. It isn’t about our work, or about saying “thank you” or “high-five!” or anything about that. It’s about entitlement and being crazy, and I will not validate or condone that kind of behavior ever again.

I realize that a crazy person who thinks it’s entirely normal and not psycho to camp out in front of a hotel for hours and hours so they can trap a person isn’t going to understand why I will not validate that behavior, but I need to make this clear for the future: I’m a person. I am a  human being and if you cut me I will bleed. I’m happy to sign things and take pictures with people in appropriate situations, but if some dude violates my personal space or freaks me out, and then gets mad at me when I try to get away from him, I’m not going to do anything beyond telling that person to go fuck himself, and I’m not going to feel bad about it. To paraphrase Neil Gaiman, I am not your bitch.

So, people who stake out airports and other places to try and grab a piece of me (or someone who isn’t me but does similar work), please let the word go forth among your peers: Wil Wheaton is a huge asshole who won’t even sign a single thing for you, even after you’ve waited in an airport for hours, and even followed him into the bathroom to badger him about signing things. Don’t waste your time with Wil Wheaton, because even though he says “don’t be a dick,” he’s the biggest dick of all.

It would be really great if you could get the word out about how much of a shit Wil Wheaton is, and how you’re really just wasting your time with him, because then he wouldn’t have to feel freaked out when he’s just trying to travel like a regular human being.

Thank you.

I just realized that I didn’t tell the Internet that I recently joined forces with Hank and John Green, and have some cool merch at dftba.com, like Don’t Be A Dick t-shirts and It’s What You Love posters.

So now you know, and if you’re of a certain age, you’ll insert the appropriate GI Joe line here.

People keep asking for a book of my stupid Twitter conversations with my pets and other things that shouldn’t be able to actually speak.

If I hired some of my cartoonist friends to illustrate them, would you spend cash money on that book?

Also, this is (I think) the first “aside” I’ve done in WordPress. I don’t know what that means in this context.