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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Epitaph

  • random thoughts

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.
He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.
He also types in this form.
That.
Is.
Very.
Unique.
Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.
Quoth Spudnuts:

I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I’m not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.
But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than…
“Died in Troutdale.”
What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can’t be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?
Jesus.
It’s like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.
So…
INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.
Then…
Who knows?
Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.
Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones…
— Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
— He was better than you
— It’s fucking dark in here
— Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
— Secret agent
— He owned a television
— He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
— RIP BFD
— He went straight to Hell
— Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
— He is in space now
— Deposit urine here
— He neglected his colon
— Yet another dead guy
— He was full of shit

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16 July, 2002 Wil

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184 thoughts on “Epitaph”

  1. sandra says:
    17 July, 2002 at 11:53 am

    Spudnuts rocks my world.
    Thanks to all of you. I needed the laugh today.

  2. Kim says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:05 pm

    [delurk]My current favorite epitaph is on my best friend’s grave. She was a classy, hippie goddess (but the stupid funeral home STILL insisted on dolling her up in makeup! YUCK!). She has a marble bench with a labyrinth carved into the top of it. The front of the bench has her name and dates, along with “To Be Continued….” I love that lady.[/lurk]

  3. Jazmin says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:07 pm

    I stole this from a friend
    “I don’t decompose on your lawn, please don’t walk on my grave”
    This is the same friend who wants to have it written into his will that any time his wife hears him reffered to as ‘the late Mr. Smith’ she has to say “He’s not late, he’s just not coming” and when people say they are sorry to hear her husband died she’s supposed to say “why, did you kill him?”

  4. DrNudi says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:20 pm

    I just thought of this one:
    “hey, you ever feel that cold chill when you’re in the shower???… that’s me!… nice rack.”

  5. MissKittyFantastico says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:29 pm

    “Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.”
    Knew that was a Riker quote 2 seconds before I read on to confirm it.
    Gods.. I think that kills any deniability of trying to cover the fact that I watched way too much TNG during my 12-14 years of life. I should prolly burn that companion book too and promptly go buy more stuff for my guitar.
    Thankfully I’ve filled my head up with enough rock n’ roll to forget which episode that comes from.
    As for my epitaph… for down the line.
    “Alas this lass never drank enough Bourbon.
    Drink up and be merry with the blessing of the Goddess forever!”
    It’s either that or one of my favorite Irish blessings-
    “May all your children be born naked”
    “May you be in Paradise a half an hour before any demons know your dead!”
    Sorry a weekend with 50 irish New Yorkers drinking constantly has me buzzin’ Irish.
    -MKF
    Got Spudnuts?

  6. Linnhe says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:30 pm

    I’d like the following. A gravestone that says “GAME OVER” with a little insert of the same matching rock mounted on it with a spring. Like a button you could push that says “RESET”.
    😀

  7. Brian Bock says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:32 pm

    Here are my options:
    1) Be burried with a tombstone that reads one of the following:
    — Ooops!
    — Yer standing on my balls!
    — Well… this sucks.
    — I’m bored.
    — Honk if you love Jesus.
    — I’d like to thank my HMO.
    — I’ve changed my mind.
    — Grrrrrr.
    — Your ass makes that dress look small
    — http://www.wilwheaton.net
    or
    2) Be cremated and
    a) put into the coffee makers of my least favorite people.
    b) be scattered in the wind to become a cinder in someon’s eye.

  8. Brandon says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:51 pm

    That was very funny!
    I love this one:”It’s fucking dark in here”

  9. ToastedAmigo says:
    17 July, 2002 at 12:54 pm

    Well, it’s like this: tombstones aren’t there for your amusement. And they’re not there for the deceased. They’re for the bereft — you know, those people who will visit the grave year after year and solemnly/joyfully/tearfully contemplate the life of their deceased love one, as well as their own mortality. The bereft are rarely in the mood to be witty and clever so that some cemetery loiterer can get his jollies for a few minutes.
    If you want pithy cleverisms, scan the car bumpers at your local parking lot.

  10. Undertoad says:
    17 July, 2002 at 1:11 pm

    Amigo, I hope my bereft “get it” as much as I do.
    Folks, the thing is, the best you can hope to do is affect about 500 years of bystanders, but 490 of those years aren’t going to be about today’s popular culture. So when you compose, do avoid epitaphs that require an understanding of the latest Mtn. Dew commercials.

  11. Chewie says:
    17 July, 2002 at 1:26 pm

    “Forty-two.”

  12. Ken says:
    17 July, 2002 at 2:05 pm

    If ya wanna mess with the future historians…
    “My Mother was a Test-Tube, My Father was a Knife”
    Or, this is funny….
    “All your base are belong to us.”

  13. Ken says:
    17 July, 2002 at 2:20 pm

    “See, I TOLD you I was sick.”

  14. MacManKrisK says:
    17 July, 2002 at 2:42 pm

    This one is TOO easy! So many good ones, but I’ll just post two. “I plan to live forever, and I’m doing good so far — oh damnit!” “Do me a favor and listen for a pounding noise.”

  15. f1d0 says:
    17 July, 2002 at 3:23 pm

    Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
    So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
    some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
    when you’re having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
    you come over.

  16. f1d0 says:
    17 July, 2002 at 3:25 pm

    Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
    So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
    some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
    when you’re having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
    you come over.

  17. Helene says:
    17 July, 2002 at 3:35 pm

    I once saw this gravestone saying:
    “Our father was a hypochondriac. But this time he was right”
    Whoa!
    Bye, Helene

  18. Matt says:
    17 July, 2002 at 3:43 pm

    Wil, and everyone,
    ok another one I came up with is ” I should have known she was married” just had to add it.
    Later,
    Matt.

  19. bark says:
    17 July, 2002 at 3:49 pm

    Great Ideas.
    How ’bout:
    * The brochure said I’d get my own whole damn pyramid!
    * Here lies Joe Smith:
    ~ your ad here ~
    * Yeah? Wait until you hear about *my* day.
    * Go do something fun – I’m not going anywhere
    * Guess how high the watertable is?
    * Okay, next time I’ll get a proffesional to install the new stove!
    * That was quick.
    * I like heaven – there’s no conservatives!
    * STOP IT! Now your making ME feel sad!
    * Don’t try the fish.
    * …and I’m still hungover
    * Next time I’ll drive!
    * 3 wars and a Navy Seal snipper for 30 years – and I die on the crapper!

  20. Karen says:
    17 July, 2002 at 4:12 pm

    As one who hangs out in cemeteries, looking for celebrity graves, I had to laugh at this. The best one out there is, “Go Away – I’m Asleep” on Joan Hackett’s grave. We have also found funny names, like Shady Lane (no joke, I have a pic).

  21. Jamie McGregor says:
    17 July, 2002 at 4:39 pm

    My favourite tombstone is this one:
    HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
    4 SLUGS FROM A .44
    NO LES, NO MORE

  22. emmajane says:
    17 July, 2002 at 5:50 pm

    Speaking of Johnny Cash…
    “They live by a six-gun,
    By a six-gun they die.”

  23. KJB says:
    17 July, 2002 at 6:04 pm

    That threeway offer still standing, Spudnuts?
    “This stuff’ll kill you.”

  24. MockTurtle says:
    17 July, 2002 at 7:04 pm

    A giant obituary in the paper caught my eye the other day. After “years of bitter depression”, a local psychiatrist committed suicide. The obit said he was hung himself, and was “eventually found in the basement.” Kind of unusual to include that little detail in there — usually they just put something vague like “passed away peacefully”. I was thinking it might be more interesting to put specifics in the obits… if my only near-brush with death had ended badly, my obit might have read:
    “She choked on chocolate.”
    It would be nice to think that my death could temporarily entertain complete strangers.

  25. JEA says:
    17 July, 2002 at 7:39 pm

    Hi all,
    I have to say that some people are just not funny. Spudnuts had some of the best ones.
    Thanks for the feel good moment.

  26. RussoGraffix says:
    17 July, 2002 at 8:34 pm

    I want a button that says “click here” on mine.

  27. Nuclear Toast says:
    17 July, 2002 at 10:05 pm

    NEEDS MORE POTATO

  28. Chicago Doppelganger says:
    17 July, 2002 at 10:21 pm

    Two homosexual necrophiliacs walking thru the cemetary at nite…
    One sez to the other – “Hey, wanna suck down a few cold ones?”
    Let the flaming begin!! 😀

  29. Amanda says:
    17 July, 2002 at 10:54 pm

    “I Poke Badgers With Spoons.”

  30. KJB says:
    17 July, 2002 at 11:28 pm

    “He found Bakula’s package too impressive.”

  31. Rob Matsushita says:
    18 July, 2002 at 12:06 am

    Christopher-Jaison said: “The cat’s on the roof.”
    Capricorn One, right?
    Hey, how about:
    Spudnuts.
    Died during a threeway.
    Regrets nothing.

  32. KJB says:
    18 July, 2002 at 12:28 am

    Word.

  33. Spudnuts says:
    18 July, 2002 at 12:56 am

    “Veteran of two wars
    Father of nine children
    Drowned in the Caspian Sea”
    Any guesses?

  34. KJB says:
    18 July, 2002 at 1:12 am

    Mr. Onassis?
    Failing that, I’m all for a teleportation of that Aussie PM who got washed away in the surf in the south of his country.
    I don’t know.

  35. Scott says:
    18 July, 2002 at 1:53 am

    Dying Words:
    “Hey Guys, Watch This!”

  36. tanyak says:
    18 July, 2002 at 3:30 am

    Odysseus ?
    fictional…I know, but thought it was worth a try!

  37. rach says:
    18 July, 2002 at 4:03 am

    would continue with a brilliantly witty one liner but won’t to save embarassment later. 😛
    “loved.”

  38. Kouros says:
    18 July, 2002 at 5:30 am

    My favourite potential epitaph was one suggested by Billy Connelly (the Scottish comedian).
    In minute writing on the stone (so that you’d have to peer up realy close to read it) would be…
    *You’re standing on my balls*

  39. richelle says:
    18 July, 2002 at 6:09 am

    “i told you so.”

  40. actor_au says:
    18 July, 2002 at 6:41 am

    “Your standing on a land mine. See you soon.”
    “” (Taken from a SomethingAwful.com Photoshop)
    “Hell has AOL.”
    “Hell is AOL.”
    “Sure is lonely now those accountants left.”
    “Necropheliacs: The guy next to me isn’t burried as deep.”
    “Died waiting for Diakatana 2.”
    “Wench!”
    “I died before going bald, happy.”
    “I shot JKF!”
    ” 🙁 ”

  41. hops says:
    18 July, 2002 at 7:21 am

    http://news.com.com/2100-1023-944555.html?tag=fd_top
    I found this today.. goes back to what we were talking about the other day the whole TIPS affair..

  42. Baldy says:
    18 July, 2002 at 8:06 am

    Read about half of the comments, so pardons if this has been said, but:
    “I told you I was sick”

  43. Timmy! says:
    18 July, 2002 at 8:29 am

    Just when you thought “Your ad here” was a joke… http://www.guardian.co.uk/computergames/story/0,11500,667942,00.html

  44. Jinkster says:
    18 July, 2002 at 8:35 am

    I saw one the other day on a memorial for a young man that I thought was rather sweet:
    “He finished early.”

  45. Robyn says:
    18 July, 2002 at 9:02 am

    I think my epitaph should say “There’s no candy in the afterlife–bring your own!”

  46. Sebastian Nebel says:
    18 July, 2002 at 11:28 am

    I’ve also come up with some:
    “Fooled ya!”
    “If I hadn’t died, you wouldn’t be here.”
    “Oops, too late!”
    “Don’t you have anything better to do right now?”
    “Are you dead? No? Then what are you doing here?”
    “He died the way he lived. Totally unprepared.”
    “The user is currently not available. You can leave a message.”
    “I’m with stupid. —>” (pointing to the tombstone next to mine)
    “[insert text here]”
    “Burried vertically.”
    “Would somebody update my weblog?”
    “Don’t feed the dead.”

  47. spyderqueen says:
    18 July, 2002 at 11:48 am

    Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten states that he’s planning his epitaph and last words to be:
    “I should have spent more time at the office.”
    But, wow… such great suggestions I may opt to take up valuable real-estate with my body instead of cremation 🙂

  48. arseblogger says:
    18 July, 2002 at 12:26 pm

    Tiny chisel.
    “If you can read this, I will haunt you”

  49. kristin says:
    18 July, 2002 at 2:26 pm

    “told you that duck was vicious”

  50. arseblogger says:
    18 July, 2002 at 3:27 pm

    “This tombstone is an advertising supported service.
    Please click ‘here’ to view the epitaph”

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