Epitaph

Spudnuts is a familiar name to the regular WWDN reader.
He makes me, and everyone else, laugh and think, and laugh some more.
He also types in this form.
That.
Is.
Very.
Unique.
Well. I recently read something he wrote, and asked him if I could post it here, because I thought it was really cool.
Quoth Spudnuts:

I have this thing for cemeteries. Always have. I’m not morbid or goth or anything. They usually are just scenic, empty, and verdant.
But I always notice the generic script that accompanies even the most flamboyant tombstone. It makes no sense. Surely, there must have been some cut-ups, clowns, subversives, eccentrics, mavericks, firebrands, freakshows, or just someone who wants MORE on their grave than…
“Died in Troutdale.”
What is so fucking sacred about a tombstone that you can’t be shocked or amused when you happen upon the burial site of some HUMAN?
Jesus.
It’s like being interred at the Christian Science Reading Room, laundry mat, or DMV.
So…
INSTITUTIONAL and sterile.
Then…
Who knows?
Maybe only the boring ones actually get a gravestone. All the interesting ones had their ashes scattered from a hangglider over Euro Disney.
Two years ago, I wrote down about fifty variations I would like on my tombstone. Here are a couple of the better ones…
— Caucasian. Gamer. Hermaphrodite.
— He was better than you
— It’s fucking dark in here
— Buried with a big sack of emeralds. No, really.
— Secret agent
— He owned a television
— He was kind of funny in an annoying sort of way
— RIP BFD
— He went straight to Hell
— Feeds upon the blood of the Irving
— He is in space now
— Deposit urine here
— He neglected his colon
— Yet another dead guy
— He was full of shit

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184 thoughts on “Epitaph”

  2. [delurk]My current favorite epitaph is on my best friend’s grave. She was a classy, hippie goddess (but the stupid funeral home STILL insisted on dolling her up in makeup! YUCK!). She has a marble bench with a labyrinth carved into the top of it. The front of the bench has her name and dates, along with “To Be Continued….” I love that lady.[/lurk]

  3. I stole this from a friend
    “I don’t decompose on your lawn, please don’t walk on my grave”
    This is the same friend who wants to have it written into his will that any time his wife hears him reffered to as ‘the late Mr. Smith’ she has to say “He’s not late, he’s just not coming” and when people say they are sorry to hear her husband died she’s supposed to say “why, did you kill him?”

  4. I just thought of this one:
    “hey, you ever feel that cold chill when you’re in the shower???… that’s me!… nice rack.”

  5. “Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.”
    Knew that was a Riker quote 2 seconds before I read on to confirm it.
    Gods.. I think that kills any deniability of trying to cover the fact that I watched way too much TNG during my 12-14 years of life. I should prolly burn that companion book too and promptly go buy more stuff for my guitar.
    Thankfully I’ve filled my head up with enough rock n’ roll to forget which episode that comes from.
    As for my epitaph… for down the line.
    “Alas this lass never drank enough Bourbon.
    Drink up and be merry with the blessing of the Goddess forever!”
    It’s either that or one of my favorite Irish blessings-
    “May all your children be born naked”
    “May you be in Paradise a half an hour before any demons know your dead!”
    Sorry a weekend with 50 irish New Yorkers drinking constantly has me buzzin’ Irish.
    -MKF
    Got Spudnuts?

  6. I’d like the following. A gravestone that says “GAME OVER” with a little insert of the same matching rock mounted on it with a spring. Like a button you could push that says “RESET”.
    😀

  7. Here are my options:
    1) Be burried with a tombstone that reads one of the following:
    — Ooops!
    — Yer standing on my balls!
    — Well… this sucks.
    — I’m bored.
    — Honk if you love Jesus.
    — I’d like to thank my HMO.
    — I’ve changed my mind.
    — Grrrrrr.
    — Your ass makes that dress look small
    — http://www.wilwheaton.net
    or
    2) Be cremated and
    a) put into the coffee makers of my least favorite people.
    b) be scattered in the wind to become a cinder in someon’s eye.

  9. Well, it’s like this: tombstones aren’t there for your amusement. And they’re not there for the deceased. They’re for the bereft — you know, those people who will visit the grave year after year and solemnly/joyfully/tearfully contemplate the life of their deceased love one, as well as their own mortality. The bereft are rarely in the mood to be witty and clever so that some cemetery loiterer can get his jollies for a few minutes.
    If you want pithy cleverisms, scan the car bumpers at your local parking lot.

  10. Amigo, I hope my bereft “get it” as much as I do.
    Folks, the thing is, the best you can hope to do is affect about 500 years of bystanders, but 490 of those years aren’t going to be about today’s popular culture. So when you compose, do avoid epitaphs that require an understanding of the latest Mtn. Dew commercials.

  12. If ya wanna mess with the future historians…
    “My Mother was a Test-Tube, My Father was a Knife”
    Or, this is funny….
    “All your base are belong to us.”

  14. This one is TOO easy! So many good ones, but I’ll just post two. “I plan to live forever, and I’m doing good so far — oh damnit!” “Do me a favor and listen for a pounding noise.”

  15. Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
    So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
    some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
    when you’re having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
    you come over.

  16. Coming here to see me? This makes you feel better?
    So where were you when I was alive? Oh right, You need
    some money. Oh, look at the time! How time fllies
    when you’re having fun. You know, I still get a headache every time
    you come over.

  17. I once saw this gravestone saying:
    “Our father was a hypochondriac. But this time he was right”
    Whoa!
    Bye, Helene

  18. Wil, and everyone,
    ok another one I came up with is ” I should have known she was married” just had to add it.
    Later,
    Matt.

  19. Great Ideas.
    How ’bout:
    * The brochure said I’d get my own whole damn pyramid!
    * Here lies Joe Smith:
    ~ your ad here ~
    * Yeah? Wait until you hear about *my* day.
    * Go do something fun – I’m not going anywhere
    * Guess how high the watertable is?
    * Okay, next time I’ll get a proffesional to install the new stove!
    * That was quick.
    * I like heaven – there’s no conservatives!
    * STOP IT! Now your making ME feel sad!
    * Don’t try the fish.
    * …and I’m still hungover
    * Next time I’ll drive!
    * 3 wars and a Navy Seal snipper for 30 years – and I die on the crapper!

  20. As one who hangs out in cemeteries, looking for celebrity graves, I had to laugh at this. The best one out there is, “Go Away – I’m Asleep” on Joan Hackett’s grave. We have also found funny names, like Shady Lane (no joke, I have a pic).

  22. Speaking of Johnny Cash…
    “They live by a six-gun,
    By a six-gun they die.”

  24. A giant obituary in the paper caught my eye the other day. After “years of bitter depression”, a local psychiatrist committed suicide. The obit said he was hung himself, and was “eventually found in the basement.” Kind of unusual to include that little detail in there — usually they just put something vague like “passed away peacefully”. I was thinking it might be more interesting to put specifics in the obits… if my only near-brush with death had ended badly, my obit might have read:
    “She choked on chocolate.”
    It would be nice to think that my death could temporarily entertain complete strangers.

  25. Hi all,
    I have to say that some people are just not funny. Spudnuts had some of the best ones.
    Thanks for the feel good moment.

  28. Two homosexual necrophiliacs walking thru the cemetary at nite…
    One sez to the other – “Hey, wanna suck down a few cold ones?”
    Let the flaming begin!! 😀

  34. Mr. Onassis?
    Failing that, I’m all for a teleportation of that Aussie PM who got washed away in the surf in the south of his country.
    I don’t know.

  37. would continue with a brilliantly witty one liner but won’t to save embarassment later. 😛
    “loved.”

  38. My favourite potential epitaph was one suggested by Billy Connelly (the Scottish comedian).
    In minute writing on the stone (so that you’d have to peer up realy close to read it) would be…
    *You’re standing on my balls*

  40. “Your standing on a land mine. See you soon.”
    “” (Taken from a SomethingAwful.com Photoshop)
    “Hell has AOL.”
    “Hell is AOL.”
    “Sure is lonely now those accountants left.”
    “Necropheliacs: The guy next to me isn’t burried as deep.”
    “Died waiting for Diakatana 2.”
    “Wench!”
    “I died before going bald, happy.”
    “I shot JKF!”
    ” 🙁 ”

  42. Read about half of the comments, so pardons if this has been said, but:
    “I told you I was sick”

  46. I’ve also come up with some:
    “Fooled ya!”
    “If I hadn’t died, you wouldn’t be here.”
    “Oops, too late!”
    “Don’t you have anything better to do right now?”
    “Are you dead? No? Then what are you doing here?”
    “He died the way he lived. Totally unprepared.”
    “The user is currently not available. You can leave a message.”
    “I’m with stupid. —>” (pointing to the tombstone next to mine)
    “[insert text here]”
    “Burried vertically.”
    “Would somebody update my weblog?”
    “Don’t feed the dead.”

  47. Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten states that he’s planning his epitaph and last words to be:
    “I should have spent more time at the office.”
    But, wow… such great suggestions I may opt to take up valuable real-estate with my body instead of cremation 🙂

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