nothing is more important than family

"Nothing is more important than family."
    –My Mom.

NOTE: This entry is extremely long. Please read it anyway. If you’re short on time, at least read the beginning and end, before and after the blockquote. Thanks.

I spent much of Christmas afternoon and evening at my parents’ house. As dusk turned to night, I stood in their darkened living room, lit only by the lights of their tree, and watched my dad and brother play with my stepkids out in the street, just as he’d played with me when I was a kid.

My mom walked over to me, and after we watched them for a minute she said, "We read your essay."

She didn’t have to say anything else. Her tone of voice sent a chill down my arms and the sinking feeling in my stomach told me that something was very, very wrong.

I turned to face her, and her eyes were filled with tears. "You were totally correct about the Tookie Williams thing," she said, "but you really misrepresented me and your dad." The tears spilled down her face. "I never listened to Bill O’Reilly," she said, "and I have never listened to Rush Limbaugh. I want to move to Montana because I’ll feel safer there than I do in Los Angeles, I can ride horses again, and it’s more like the America I grew up in when things were simpler. It’s not because I’m a racist or a bigot, which is the impression I got when I read that. Did you forget that I am the child of immigrants? I’m a first-generation American! You made us sound like we are crazy wingnuts, and we’re not."

When I was just sixteen, and I had my first car, I saw two doves pecking at something on the ground. I thought to myself, "Boy, it sure would be funny to scare those birds and make them fly away!" I pointed my car at them, and accelerated. One took flight, but the other didn’t move in time and was crushed beneath the tire of my car. It was the first and only time I’ve ever killed another living thing on purpose, and the guilt stayed with me for years. When I looked at my mom, who has given me so much, and saw how disappointed and betrayed she felt, I felt a guilt and regret that was even worse. I really screwed up when I didn’t show them my essay before it ran, so they could comment to me about it, and correct anything which they felt was inaccurate. All of my instincts told me to do that, and I didn’t, because I was afraid of how they’d react. In other words, my cowardice has hurt my family in a way that I may never be able to repair.

When I wrote my story, I hoped that it would spark a dialogue about the nature of discourse in our country, and comment on movement conservatives who voted for Bush even though he has (in my opinion) abandoned most of their values. What I did not intend was for my parents to be hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, or misrepresented. While they both do not dispute the accuracy of the Wheaton Family Christmas Incident, they took great issue with the way I described and portrayed my father. My dad isn’t a Talk Radio Wingnut; in fact, I’ve learned that he’s a proud conservative, whose values have remained consistent (and far more moderate than I understood,) even as George Bush’s Republican party has abandoned him, and people like him.

While my mom and I stood in the living room, I promised her that I’d do whatever I could to set the record straight, and correct the editorial cartoon caricature of my dad that I’d created with my essay. In letters to the editor at Salon, and in comments on my blog, I’ve seen people make lots of assumptions about my dad, and call him all sorts of names which, if if spoken in my presence, would result in an immediate cockpunch from me. I know that my dad has read some of these comments, and I’m really upset that people would say things like that about my father, who is the kindest, most supportive, and loving man I’ve ever known. However, it’s entirely my fault, for allowing an impression of my dad to be created without thinking through the consequences of that impression, or giving him an opportunity to at the very least respond to it.

I take full responsibility for bringing this grief upon my parents. I was unfair and irresponsible, and this is my effort to set things right.

On the day after Christmas, I drove up to my parents house, sat with them in their kitchen, and had a long conversation with them about politics, where they stand on various issues, and why. I felt that I owed them a chance to set the record straight, in their own words. Over a couple of hours, I learned that my parents are both pro-choice and pro-family, oppose the Iraq war (my dad said that at least they knew why they were fighting in Vietnam — a war he also opposed as he served as a medic in the National Guard — but it’s become "too muddled" to know why we’re fighting in Iraq, thanks to the Bush administration’s changing rationales and lack of credibility.) I learned that my parents still hold the values of compassion, tolerance and charity which they instilled in me as a child, even if the politicians they support do not.

But more than anything else, and most importantly, I learned that my impression of my dad as a screaming-head blowhard, which I shared with the world, based on one incident and a bunch of irresponsible assumptions, was just plain wrong.

This is my parents, in their own words, transcribed from a conversation I had with them on December 26th, 2005:

WIL:  Okay, on the record: my motivations in writing my story were not -uh- I didn’t have mean ulterior motives. I wasn’t trying to misportray you guys, or misrepresent you guys, or anything like that.

MOM: We knew that.

DAD: Yeah.

W: But that doesn’t matter. What matters is how you guys feel. And that’s why it matters to me.

M: Because life is full of good intentions.

W: Yeah, and that’s why it matters to me to, you know, fix it. I — just so you know a little history of how this came about: Like I wrote, it’s not that big a deal that we don’t see eye-to-eye on things.

M: And I love it that we don’t see eye-to-eye on things.

W: That doesn’t matter to me. I don’t subscribe to this "winner takes all" theory that seems to be —

D: Neither do we.

M: We didn’t raise you to agree with us.

D: And mom told me that when you talked with her, you said that you felt I would yell at you whenever we’d have a political discussion —

M: You said for about two years —

D: — and I don’t think that’s the case.

W: Okay, that’s totally my recollection since the period preceding — whatever the campaign was during the first George Bush administration. But that didn’t particularly matter to me. It profoundly hurt my feelings, and embarrassed me in front of my wife and kid, and I was just surprised. I was totally surprised.

D: Uh-huh.

W: And I understand that it is a seriously emotional issue and stuff, and, uhm . . . It came up in conversation with some of my other writer friends, who run the spectrum from liberal to conservative, and virtually all of them said, "You know, this has happened to me with my parents over the last few years, also." As the country has become so polarized, and as the news media and the talk radio audiences have become so polarized, and especially — and a lot of them, regardless of political ideology, laid a lot of blame at the feet of Karl Rove and talk radio, for doing this ‘divide and conquer’ thing.

So everyone said I should write about it, because everyone has had an experience similar to this, and maybe it will start up a dialogue, about talk radio, and it will start up a dialogue about where political discourse is. And it did, and the only negative feedback I got — other than from you guys — was from people who called me a wimpy liberal for not supporting the death penalty. So my goals were not to, um, defame you guys, or to do anything like that. It was to write a story that I thought a lot of people could emotionally connect to, about an experience I’d had that I thought a lot of other people had had, and —

[My dad’s pager goes off, and he has to deal with some important work things. I am struck by how calm he is, even though, whenever my dad’s pager goes off, it’s usually a life-or-death moment. My stomach is still in knots, but I’m really glad we’re talking.]

M: Hang on for a second.

W: Okay, I’m going to pause this.

[Dad comes back to the table.]

W: So, you know what my goals were, and if I haven’t made it clear, I am so so sorry. I am so sorry, and I feel terrible, and my gut told me to call both of you before I turned it in, and talk with you and give you a chance to do things, to —

D: Uh-huh.

W: To, to do things —

M: Uh-huh.

W: And to prevent, uh, you know,

W&D: This.

W: It was a combination of having to make a deadline, and just being pre-Christmas overwhelmed, and also feeling really afraid that you were going to freak out at me the same way you freaked out at me on Family Christmas . . . and it was quite obviously a bad choice to not trust my instincts.

D: Okay. Let me try to address the three things you brought up right now: First of all, when you called me to say "I’ve got something that’s going to be online," I figured there was a reason you put me "on alert" as it were, but I didn’t think it was going to be as overboard as it turned out to be in my opinion. Second of all, I apologize — I asked mom for a reality check, and I said, "Did I really turn into a monster and really unload on Wil?" and she said, "Yeah, well, kinda."

M: Now, wait a second. I said — what you wrote was very accurate. It was an excellent reporting of what went on, if we’re talking about family Christmas.

D: Except Jeremy hadn’t put the things on the tracks, yet, in the Christmas village, but I understand you needed to —

M: Oh, come on! I knew what you meant, and I’m really glad you wrote that.

D: Yes, I’m really glad you wrote that. Anyway . . .

W: Well, there goes my credibility.

D: Anyway, in thinking about it after the fact, I was so tired of hearing the Mike Farrells, and the Jamie Foxes of the world trying to excuse Tookie Williams and what he had done, and as I said to you, completely ignoring the families of the victims who were left behind. And I do believe in the death penalty, and . . . uh, there was some uncertainty about what Arnold was going to do, if he was going to roll over to his Hollywood friends and gain the liberal vote, if he tries to re-run, or if he was going to stand true to what he believed. And as it turned out, he did, and he gave eloquent reasons why he did.

W: Didn’t he campaign as a death penalty opponent?

D: I don’t remember that coming up.

W: I recall him — well anyway, I could be mistaken.

D: Anyway, so, I realized that, when mom said, "Yeah, you were a jerk," [he laughs] that I was disagreeing with you, but the over the top was just my frustration with your peer group — your former peer group — "the Hollywood crowd" [laughs, harder].

W: [laughs] The Hollywood crowd has never been my peer group!

M: [laughs]

D: [laughs] I know! I know! Okay . . . that’s why I said that in quotes  . . . trying to excuse this man because he’s written some books. And I was truly concerned that they were going to hold sway, which was, I believe, totally wrong. So, I didn’t mean to embarrass you, or Anne, or Nolan, okay? And that was not my intent. And we can talk about politics — and you and I disagree more than you and mom disagree —

M: Which is to say that your dad and I disagree —

W: But you know, my whole thing about the death penalty was not that Tookie Williams was some great guy who should get off, absolutely not. I don’t believe that at all.

D: I know that. And I told mom that I knew you were not defending Tookie Williams. That was not my understanding at all.

W: And my disagreement with the death penalty is that if the state makes a mistake, it can’t be undone.

M: Unless the state hasn’t made a mistake in the first place.

W: And the states that have it, have the highest homicide rates, so it doesn’t work. It only exists to exact some sort of societal revenge.

M: And in the case of Tookie Williams, it created a martyr.

W: And maybe it will end up dissuading kids from entering gangs. I don’t know.

D: I doubt that, based upon —

M: And they compared him to Rosa Parks!

W: And I was never saying that this guy was a good person. My whole thought was that, any time a case arises that makes people think, as a society, should we support the death penalty, there should be a dialogue, but because of talk radio, there can’t be. And it’s not possible, and I believe that it’s not possible, because in my experience, supporters or capital punishment almost always base their support on emotion, and opponents base their arguments on statistics and logic. But the emotional pull is so strong — and I am definitely guilty of this where my kids are concerned: when emotion and logic conflict where you feel strongly about something, emotion always wins.

D: Well, I don’t know about the nationwide statistics, but since the death penalty was instituted in California, there have been twelve executions, and eight of them have been whites. So this blanket statement —

M: And where was Mike Farrell then?

D: –that it’s only Blacks and poors are singled out is just wrong.

W: Maybe not in California, but absolutely in the rest of the country.

D: Right. And I’ve heard of cases where the defense attorney has been asleep at the table, or they get a public defender who decides that the guy is guilty, so they’re not going to mount a vigorous defense.

W: Would you agree that there’s a problem with the legal system where your class affects your chances of getting a truly fair trial.

D: I don’t know. Ask OJ. [laughs]

W: Well, there you go. So that’s one of the reasons I don’t support the death penalty. If it’s — I don’t think there’s any problem with putting people away from the rests of their lives without the possibility of parole, and I don’t think that prisons should be a vacation. Oh! And I got lots of letters from prison guards who were very unhappy with me for saying that inmates were beaten, and they said that was something I saw on TV, and they were right. I should have talked to prison guards before I wrote that, too. The point is, it shouldn’t be a good time.

D: But it’s not a bad time, either.

M: Did you hear about the guy from San Quentin who had been there for 28 years?

D: He’s the public relations officer now.

M: He said that Tookie Williams was still connected to the Crips from inside prison. And one of his books was dedicated to a current big wig of the Crips. So even if he’s in prison, he can still wield a lot of power, see, and that’s the truth with organized crime, too.

W: So he deserves to die because of that?

M: No, no. But, when — it makes it sound very final when you say they are locked away without any possibility of parole, that they still can have sort of this outside life, you know.

W: Okay.

M: They have a lot of freedoms.

D: And they are alive when they have taken an innocent life from someone who did not deserve to die. That doesn’t seem fair.

M: But you’re not here to debate the death penalty. You’re here so —

D: Let’s, let’s move on.

W: Okay.

D: You really mischaractarized me about Rush and Bill O’Reilly. I rarely listen to either of them, and —

[The phone rings. It’s my sister, telling my dad that the surf is so huge in Ventura County, they are towing surfers out using wave runners. As long as I can remember, if any of us needs an excuse to call dad, all we have to do is look at the surf report.]

D: Anyway, I don’t listen to Rush, and I don’t — and if I do, it’s just in channel surfing, because he is way over the top. And he forces everything into a certain perspective. Much like I feel the people on Air America do. Mom and I listened to Air America once, on our way up to Sacramento [to deal with my grandmother’s house after she died earlier this year — when my dad said that I was reminded what a horrible and tough year he’s had, and how the last thing he really needed was public humiliation at the hands of his idiot son.] — and this was when Bill Bennet said that thing about Blacks and about abortions, and he gave the analogy that if —

W: Yeah, I know what you’re talking about.

D: And it was Al Franken, and I forget who else, and they were completely twisting what he said, to bend it to their purpose, to their agenda.

M: They kept playing the same sound bite over and over again, and we kept listening, you know, to see if they’d get to the bottom of this, to the meat of what it was about, but they kept playing the sound byte over and over again, and it was edited, and it wasn’t true.

D: It was inaccurate.

M: It wasn’t true.

W: I remember that, and I agree with you. It was taken out of context, and I wish you’d listened on a different day!

D: I do listen to Dennis Prager, and Dennis is conservative, but middle-of-the-road conservative, and I believe that he thinks out his positions very clearly, and he is more interested in truth than a political agenda.

M: He’s interested in the morality of things. The moral consequences of behavior.

W: What is his position on the Bush Administration?

D: Uh, that they’ve done some things good, and some things bad.

M: He doesn’t talk that much about it.

D: And Sean Hannity: I listened to Sean more during the election, but since, uh, Sean is, in my opinion,  a notch or two below Rush. He is well-meaning, and he believes what he says for the most part, but again he is bending things through his own prism to bring things into his point of view.  I do a lot of reading in the Sunday opinion section in the Times, and I try to get multiple points of view, so . . . I don’t rely on Rush and Bill to tell me what to think. That, that was what really hurt me. I felt that I was really mischaractarized.

[I looked into my father’s eyes as he said, in effect, "you really hurt me," and I felt a shame, and a regret, and a disgust with myself that I’ve never felt before and hope to never feel again.]

M: And we don’t form our opinions based upon FOX News.

W: I wrote those observations based upon coming up here during the election, and FOX News being on in your house all the time.

M: You know when FOX News was on? During the hurricane.

W: During the 2004 election, I saw FOX News on in your house all the time.

D: No! You’re mistaken! It was never on.

W: But I remember it being on.

D: [laughs] You have to stop smoking the crack.

W: I saw it. I’m pretty sure John Gibson is on FOX News.

D: I don’t even know who John Gibson is. Your mother is the news junkie who will watch the news for three hours straight.

W: If that’s the case, I don’t know how I made such a glaring error, and it’s a terrible terrible mistake, because it’s almost like there are two kinds of conservatives: rational conservatives, and then you have the FOX News, Rush Limbaugh conservatives, who are — I think accurately — described as "Wingnuts."

D: Uh-huh.

W: And it was absolutely not my intention to describe you as wingnuts, and I can see now that is exactly what I did. And I don’t think that you are!

D: Well, that’s a comfort. [laughs]

M: I think of myself as a moderate, and dad is to the Right of me.

D: Yes, I am more conservative.

M: But you have to remember that  a lot of that is because of owning a small business, and as I told you the other night, that’s our American Dream.

W: I know! I grew up with you guys building your business, and you know that if you tried to start a business today, because of the policies and tax codes and things from George Bush and this Republican Congress, you would have a very hard time getting started. You wouldn’t be able to compete with bigger businesses, especially being in the health care industry. You wouldn’t be able to compete with bigger health care companies.

D: That’s wrong. I disagree.

W: You don’t think it would be harder to compete with companies who are huge and have huge lobbies in congress?

D: Not in my business.

[I realize that I’ve made yet another huge assumption, and I don’t have the solid facts to back up what I’m pretty sure is accurate. I realize that I’ve fallen into the trap I often accuse others of falling into: I’ve developed a point of view, and all I can remember is the feeling that it’s correct. Who would know whether their business could succeed? My parents, who own it, and run it day to day, or their son who has no clue? I am disgusted by my immature, narrow-minded arrogance.]

W: Okay.

M: But it is getting harder, this has been a very hard year, because of our worker’s comp and malpractice going through the roof.

W: Okay, so during the election, when current events happened, and we talked about them, uh — I’ve been trying to recall some specifics, but I can’t come up with any, which I guess undermines my credibility on this, but it seemed to me that —

[Dad’s phone rings again.]

D: That my phone would ring again?

W: Yeah.

[Dad takes another call about work, and sends an employee to work at a hospital.]

W: Okay. So During the 2004 election, when current events came up, and campaign things came up in discussion, my recollection is that when I talked about those things with you guys, your responses were the same things that were discussed on talk radio, which seemed to boil down to whatever the Bush campaign talking points were. And based on my apparently incorrect recollection of FOX News being on the television when I came up here — and I just know that it was —

M: Maybe it was on a few times, and it obviously made an impression upon you.

D: You were traumatized by it. [laughs]

W: And getting into your car when we were going to baseball games, there was always one of those talking guys on the radio.

M: That was Dodger Talk.

D: Yeah, that was Vin Scully.

M&D: [Laughs]

W: It was 87 something on the radio.

D: That would have been Dennis Prager, or maybe [ominously] "Sean Hannity."

[My dad, even in what is clearly a painful moment for both of us, never gives up his sense of humor. When I was a teenager, and took myself /so seriously/ it drove me crazy. Now, though, I love it. My stomach is still in knots, but they’re beginning to loosen.]

W: What I should have done is fact-checked that with you both, to make sure. But during that time, and correct me if I’m mistaken, during that time, when the White House was selling this line that Saddam Hussein financed the World Trade Center attacks, which was widely disproved, all over the world, even then, it seemed to me that once the talking point came out of the white house or out of the campaign, even if if was disproved, that you guys discarded any of the evidence or arguments against whatever the White House said. And, uhm, so, I absolutely made the assumption, which is clearly incorrect, that the belief that you guys formed and adhered to, was supported  by hearing it repeated on talk radio, and seeing it repeated on cable news. Does that make sense?

D: It makes sense, but I don’t think it’s completely accurate. I decided early on that I didn’t want to see John Kerry in the White house.

W: Well, John Kerry was a terrible candidate, right behind Lieberman.

D: It made no difference what either side said, I would never cast my vote for John Kerry, so a lot of it is just like water under the bridge for me, the things that were said.

W: I so want to understand this. When I was growing up, the values you instilled in all of us, the strongest one, the one that still drives most of the decisions I make, is based on support for the civil rights movement. And was all based on tolerance and equality, and —

D: That hasn’t changed.

W: But it so strongly seems to me that the current Republican leadership in congress and in the state of California, seem so totally opposed to those values: the values of equality and tolerance and civil rights, and, uh, seem to have such an enormous credibility problem. How can you support them?

D: I don’t agree with that en todo. My feeling is that the Barbara Boxers of the world want to give everything to people who don’t work for what they have. They want to take our tax dollars and your tax dollars and give them away to other people.

W: But George Bush has taken your tax dollars, and given them to people who have so much money already, they don’t know what to do with that.

D: See, we disagree on that.

M: See, now that’s a Democratic talking point.

W: No it’s not, it’s the congressional budget office. [That’s wrong: I should have said Internal Revenue Service. What I meant was that I didn’t form my opinion of Bush’s tax plans from Democratic talking points, but from independent research.]

D: Those rich people have already given so much to this country through their taxes, and I agree that, um, there are loopholes where they’re able to avoid taxation on some of their money, and I think that something should be done on that. But when people work hard for their money, it’s not right for the government to turn around and say, "you busted your ass for all this money, now give it to all these people, because they choose not to work, because they choose to have children without a father, because they come into the country illegally." Mom and I are not happy about what Bush has done with the illegals in this country  —

M: We discussed that the other night, Wil. [Where mom and I agreed that business owners who hire and exploit illegal immigration for cheap labor — especially in California farming — should be prosecuted, so the conditions which make illegal immigration favorable would weaken.]

W: So redistribution of wealth downward is bad, but redistribution of wealth upward is good?

D: It’s not redistribution! It was their money to begin with. It’s their money because they earned it.

W: I’m talking about the shifting of the tax burden. The tax burden, under George Bush, has shifted dramatically to middle-class tax payers. So people who are earning between, I think it’s 70,000 and 190,000 a year as a household, are shouldering a larger percentage of the tax burden, based upon their income, than people who are earning over 200,000 a year, and they are shouldering a greater percentage of the burden than the people who are earning over a million a year.

D: Of course they are. That’s simple percentages. Because if someone is making — like, to make that equitable, Bill Gates would have to pay billions in taxes a year.

W: Well, of course there should be a cap on taxes, and I’m not talking about Socialism, but under this tax code, we — and I think we’re still in the same tax bracket — we are paying more of our income in taxes than people who are earning two and three times what we are earning. And if the tax code is in fact a progressive tax code, where the idea is to tell people, "okay, to reach this level of success, you were able to reap the benefits of the society others helped to build, so now you need to help contribute to the infrastructure so that others have opportunities, too." If that’s the case, it seems really unfair to me to put so much of the tax burden on the middle class, and certainly not on the working poor.

M: I agree with that.

W: It’s gone overwhelmingly to the middle class. Under Bush, the tax burden has shifted onto us, and tax breaks and revenue redistribution has gone upward.

M: And in a similar situation, what do the Democrats want to do with our tax dollars?

W: What do you mean?

M: You said that under Bush, the middle class has shouldered more of the tax burden, and I actually believe that the middle class has always shouldered most of the tax burden.

W: But it didn’t under Bill Clinton. And I’m not making that up.

M: So if a Democratic administration was in the White House, how would it be different?

W: We wouldn’t have the deficit we have. I don’t believe that if the Democrats controlled the government the way the Republicans do, and the Republicans are really in the driver’s seat right now, you wouldn’t see the tax breaks for the ultra-rich. I’m not talking about people who have worked so hard to have what they have, either, I’m talking about inherited wealth. I don’t think we’d have the enormous budget problems that we have, and we’d probably see something like what Clinton did: raise taxes a bit on the wealthiest of people, and give relief to the middle class and the working poor. I don’t believe in this idea —  that Ronald Reagan sold so successfully — that there is an epidemic of shiftless jerks who just want to get rich off of your hard work, and the Democrats are going to help them do that.

M: Well, there are more social programs under Democrats than Republicans. And it seems like there’s an awful lot of abuse of those programs.

W: Of course there is, and it’s pretty easy to go through reams of data and pull out fifty or one hundred jerks who are breaking the law. You can do that in either direction, rich or poor — a dishonest person is a dishonest person regardless of income. What is confusing to me is that you guys have worked so hard to have what you have, and you deserve your success, but under George Bush, you’re paying more in taxes than we ever have, and it is unlikely that burden will be reduced while the Republicans control things. It seems like you’re voting against your best interests.

D: I think that’s not the whole picture, and you have to take the bitter with the sweet. And I have a conservative philosophy that’s opposed to the liberal philosophy, and I’m not happy about having to pay more taxes, and I’m not happy — I thought that, under Bush, the government would be made much smaller, but it hasn’t. It’s gotten much larger than it ever has been, and I don’t know how that happened because it runs counter to the conservative ideals. But at the end of the day, I am conservative, and I believe the conservative philosophy more than I do the liberal philosophy, and you have to take the lumps with the sugar.

For the next forty minutes, we talked about the differences between Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals, Clinton and Bush. We did it respectfully, quietly, honestly, and openly. It was about as far removed from talk radio as you can get, and the man I was talking with was not the man I portrayed in my essay. When I left, I felt closer to my dad than I have in years, despite all our political differences.

I’m really glad that I talked with my parents, but I still feel that I’ve dishonored my family, and given the entire world an incorrect view of my father. It was unfair and irresponsible of me to publish my assumptions publicly without giving him a chance to correct them privately. My dad is an incredible person, and I owe him much more than this.

I imagine that this will get reprinted around the conservative world the way my original essay was reprinted around the liberal world, and I will almost certainly be excoriated for this, which I certainly deserve. If that’s what it takes for my parents’ to have their names cleared, and to correct the impression I gave about my dad, I am more than willing to take whatever criticism I get. I should be boycotted, and if there was some way I could resign over this, I would. I made an incredibly irresponsible choice, based out of stupid fear, to not talk with my parents before my article ran. I can not unring that bell, but I hope that by letting them speak, in their own words, the image I created of them can be corrected. I have learned a valuable lesson, I just wish the cost of that lesson hadn’t been my family’s honor and my parents’ dignity. I am deeply ashamed of myself.

I ran this past my parents before I published it. They expressed some concern that they would be quoted out of context, or attacked for their beliefs, and suggested I keep our conversation between us. But I think they make a great case for their beliefs, even if I disagree with them, and I wanted them to have an opportunity to speak for themselves. I elected to leave it as-is, because I suspect that my parents (both Boomers) reflect beliefs that are fairly common among conservatives in their generation, and liberals of my generation who don’t have the ability or opportunity (for whatever reason) to talk with their parents could get a good idea of where people like my parents are coming from. I think it also shows how totally wrong I was in my original essay: we had a long conversation about several potentially-explosive topics, but the bonds of love and family which tie us together are stronger than the differences Talk Radio would use to divide us. My mom said that she doesn’t want to feel like she has to defend herself via my blog for anything, and I don’t think she does. She also wanted everyone to know that she forgives me, "just like all the other times you did something stupid . . . that’s a joke, Wil . . . the part about doing stupid things, not the part about forgiving you." She also said that I was a good writer, which she sort of has to say because she’s my mom. My dad said that it means a lot to him and my mom that I was "adult enough, and man enough to care about our feelings, and discuss this with us," and if I was really such an environmentalist, I wouldn’t have written something that took an entire tree to print out . . . which was also a joke. I’m glad my parents both still have their sense of humor, even now.

If you linked to my essay at Salon, please link to this as well. My parents shouldn’t have to suffer any more than they have because of my irresponsibility.

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137 thoughts on “nothing is more important than family”

  1. Wil,
    I think the biggest thing here is that, you found out you screwed up. You sat down, and talked with your parents, and made it right. Poltics, Conservitive, liberal, and all that other BS aside, you did the right thing. And for that, there is no greater honor.
    However you are potrayed at this point, dosent really matter. Family is more important than politics, an a helluva lot more important than talk radio.
    I salute you for being the better man, and facing the music for your mistake. And that my friend, is what makes us all human.
    Warm reguards,
    Will Blackmon

  2. This took courage and I commend you on setting things straight. Thank you for standing up for what you believe in and admitting when you make a mistake. More people should do this.
    For the record I read the original posting as your reaction to seeing more a side you may not like from a man you admire. It caused you to overreact some.
    Once again Thank you. I love reading what bits of your life you choose to share.
    Demariana/Denise

  3. We ALL make mistakes.
    Some try to cover them up.
    Some try to deny them.
    Some try to blame others.
    Only a few confront them, admit to them, and try to learn from them.
    (It is in print = must be true = bullshit!)
    Great post, Wil.

  4. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you were wrong to write your previous essay. You’ve written plenty of blog entries showing what great people your parents are in general, despite that they’ve bought into some of the conservative talking points. You were right to be hurt at the way your dad unloaded on you in front of your family and I think you’re an amazing person to go back and work it out with them the way you did.
    I only wish I could have such conversations with my parents. They do buy into the Limbaugh/FOX trash all too often without sifting it for the propaganda.
    Thanks for sharing this with us, Wil.

  5. Wil:
    You have finally gotten me to sign up to post. Been reading your blog for quite a while, and enjoying it. I don’t agree with you all the time (I doubt there is anyone in the world that agrees with anyone else ALL the time, this DEFINITELY includes husbands and wives), but I appreciate someone who intelligently expresses their views. You do this well. A few points:
    1. We all suffer from hoof-in-mouth disease, don’t tear yourself up too bad because of it, take the lesson from it and move on.
    2. Be SUPREMELY glad that your father is still around for you to talk to, I am coming up on the seventh anniversary of my father’s death in about 2 weeks and I suppose I will never quit missing him–the pain dulls, but it never goes fully away. Talk while you can, there will always be something left unsaid….
    3. I think the most important point that you made, politically speaking, was the one about the polarization of America by this administration. I have seen it in my family, at work, and even in the check-out line at stores. Intelligent discourse is something we all need all the time, and we definitely don’t have enough of it to go around. This is disturbing….whether this is to be laid on the doorstep of this administration, the media, or who else in combination with them, I’m not sure, but we better straighten it out before it gets too bad.
    As for the death-penalty (or prisons/the penal system in general) and a HOST of other things in America and the world, it’s broken and we need to fix it, but until we can all talk about it in a reasonable fashion, it ain’t gonna happen. Unlike all the genuises on talk radio, I don’t have all the answers at my fingertips. Wish I did.
    Great post. Moral courage like it took to do that doesn’t grow on trees. Or talk radio.

  6. In my early twenties I thought my parents were wrong about everything, too. When I reached 30, I realized how little I actually knew about the living of life, although I had a great deal more formal education than both my parents. Part of growing up (which most hotheaded, arrogant, un-researched, whacko libarals REALLY need to do) is learning those realities that our parents came to know about the time we were born. Our job, as their progeny, is to respect their opinions and to search for our own. We shouldn’t GLOM onto whatever happens to be the talking point of the day from either side – liberal or conservative. Personally, I’m thrilled that Fox news and the talk radio wingnuts exist. I’m educated in business – marketing specifically – and for every yin there needs to be a yang. In that EVERY other stinkin’ media outlet (especially those on network television and free radio stations everywhere) in the country seems to be teetering on the edge of the left side ready to jump off the deep end any second, it doesn’t bother me at all to hear the opinions of conservatives with their toes hanging off the right. Somewhere closer to center is where the majority of the educated public needs to find their niche. Wil Wheaton – standing a bit too close to the teeterers on the left – and his parents – standing between the edge and the fulcrum on the right – form a perfect picture of two perspectives: people needing balance (younger ones or unmedicated bi-polars like my brother) and those who’ve found it (Wil’s parents and mine).

  7. It was really brave of you to follow through with this. Not everyone would, which is what makes you such a good person. Yeah, you screwed up, but you took responsibility for your words even though it was painful. Take care.

  8. Earlier this week I saw Jennifer Garner on a daytime show (Martha, if you must know). She was still pregnant, and entirely cute and peppy. What struck me was that she was so *human*. She made snarky little comments, and got genuinely excited about things like baby food and changing tables. It made me happy to send my money her way when I watch her on TV or in movies.
    I know you’re so much more than an actor now, but you’re still one of those “famous people” (insert dramatic music here). So to see you be human, and make mistakes the rest of us make is heartening. In your first article you set out to share what you thought was a common phenomenon – how people of our generation connect with our parents less and less. And I think you accomplished that in your second article. You showed that parents are human, and children are human, and if we’re all going to get along then we have to take the time to really listen to each other.
    Thanks for that.

  9. Hi Wil.
    You have some fantastic parents. That wasn’t ever in doubt, of course; your portrayal of them here and in your books has never been anything but stellar. But for them to take the time with you to help clarify their positions is pretty special. I really appreciated what you did here. It’s one of your best posts ever.

  10. I was fascinated to read your original essay about your father, having witnessed some painful or embarrassing rants from my own father. But I understood that you and your father have a lot of love for each other, just like my father and I do. Daddy says strange things sometimes, things that if I tried to write about them online would elicit knee-jerk comments from people about my father and our relationship.
    That said, I’m really glad to read this follow-up. I always knew that your family is every bit as human as any others. But this dialogue really shows more about all of you and where you’re coming from.
    Don’t be too hard on yourself. And I hope you and your family have a good new year!

  11. Good job Wil. Your family is right to feel proud of you. You didn’t let your own pride get in the way of the truth. It’s tough to write a blog and you have a lot of pressure on you as a writer. Sure, you want to report details accurately, but you also want some ‘creative freedom’ to spice things up and keep people reading.
    Having read both the posts, I’m not so entirely sure you exactly misrepresented your parents (Dad) so much as left some important details out. The infamous post was perhaps more ‘one sided’ than you yourself would approve of in hindsight. Having read it, I got the impression that your Dad was a ‘follower’ who jumped on a bandwagon without thinking through the issue himself. Obviously that assumption of mine was wrong and I apologize for making it. Just like we shouldn’t read one editorial in the paper and form an opinion about someone, we shouldn’t read one blog entry and form an opinion of someone.
    I think all the people who read your blog really enjoy your ‘family stories’ and read with interest the family dynamics playing out from day to day. The danger of this is obvious – inadvertantly insulting/misrepresenting/embarrassing/etc. your family members. This was one of those cases.
    Wil – you weren’t the only one who learnt a lesson here. I think the readers of your blog (myself included) also learnt a lesson. Don’t judge a man by one blog entry 🙂
    You have set the record straight. It took courage to do that. You could have been stubborn and cared more about your ‘image’ than about your family. A surprizing number of people would.
    I do have one fear. Don’t let this ‘bad experience’ prevent you from sharing openly with us like you did in the past. I fear this experience might make you more cautious. Less willing to write anything about anyone that might be taken the wrong way. Your readers (and I’m sure your family) wouldn’t want you to become too ‘careful’ in your writing. We are all in good hands knowing that you have the integrity to admit if you are wrong or biased, etc.. Keep up the good work into the New Year Wil. From the conversation you had with you’re parents it truly does seem that you are blessed to have such a loving and supportive environment. Damn, if everything were any more perfect, I’d be tempted to call you guys the Brady Bunch 😉
    You’re an inspiration Wil. keep it up.

  13. Wil,
    I think you have a done a fine job in representing your family. Its difficult to admit when we have screwed up, especially to our parents and I commend you for your honesty and humility about the situation.
    Its actually kinda nice to hear other ppl of my generation lock horns occasionaly with their parents regarding contemporary issues in society.
    Yours is the death penalty, mine is Gay Marriage rights. I live in Canada and its become legal here. I have always felt that there are much bigger things to concern ourselves with than two ppl who love each other and want to be bound together legally and recognized as such, regardless of their choice of partner. My parents on the other hand are not supporters of this belief, so the disagreement continues.
    Anyway I just wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up over this too badly. Having met your parents many moons ago on a Star Trek cruise I can honestly say they were both warm friendly ppl and not raving lunatics, despite what anyone might think.
    Cheers

  14. Wil, when I read the original essay I smiled. It reminded me of an epic argument I had with my grandfather when I was a bit younger. It has taken years of hard knocks and daily living to realize that while his articulation was crude, there was some wisdom to his words. We all reach a point in our adult lives (I’m not talking adolescent angst) were we look at our parents and are horrified by how they have changed — when in reality, they tend to progress as times dictate and as it affects them. We ignore that we also evolve but at a different pace and with slightly different stimulation. The folks that chose to make derogatory comments will jump at the chance to, instead of adding to dialogue adding to diatribe. Fuck them! I think it was clear that you respect and love your parents but were left at a loss regarding their “newfound” conservativistic views of the world. Your instinct was right, your methods not so much. It took a misunderstanding to get you and the ‘rents to sit and discuss some of these issues together. They still love you and life will go on, despite the regret you feel now. If nothing else, you have shown the world that it is possible for both sides to sit and talk like rational human beings and share ideas, even if ultimately they disagree at the fundamental core. Your parents did a magnificent job with you! Finally, despite the discomfort this event caused you and your parents, think of the learning curve for Nolan and Ryan who get to see first-hand that love and respect trump hostility any day. This is ultimately a good thing and great one to share. If /this/ doesn’t open up dialogue, nothing ever will then!
    Have a happy new year all!

  15. Wil,
    I have been in that situation more times than I care to count.. so I know how you feel. I think part of you was trying to rationalize to yourself why your dad would act like that… because you were hurt by his response. Yes, you should have run it by them before it went out.. but I am glad that you had a chance to sit down with them and talk things out. That is whats most important. And I can very much relate to the comment you made about feeling that usually it was just best to NOT talk about politics.. that is exactly the stance I take with my husband because he is also a conservative and he makes comments that I just can’t believe come from the mouth of the man I married sometimes… and despite my desire to discuss what he just said.. I have learned that it is pretty pointless…He comes from a long line of conservatives that worked for the goverment in high levels for many generations.. there is really nothing I can say to make him understand why I feel differently.
    I envy the fact that you can talk to them the way you do.. I have never been able to do that without it ending up with them screaming at me. *shrug* so I gave up trying to discuss my views with any of my family because I am pretty much the only non conservative in my family.
    You are very lucky that you at least can discuss your views rationally… perhaps not all of the time.. but at least some of the time.
    oh.. and Happy New Year. 🙂

  16. Wil,
    While I understand that you totally respect your parents and don’t want to show them in a bad light, I still think you made a valid set of points in your original essay. The so-called conservative has become this knee-jerk bully who is intolerant of other people’s beliefs or values.
    I consider myself a progressive liberal; I believe in the death penalty, but only if it can be fairly applied. I believe in gay rights. I believe in equality for all people despite thier ethnic or economic background. I also believe in less government, and being fiscally responsible and not giving people a free ride, but a hand-up.
    Yet, there isn’t a week where I don’t have someone yelling in my face about how I am wrong, and how I’m some kind of liberal idiot or conservative fascist. And it takes a lot to bring them from this temper tantrum to a point where we can discuss the situation calmly and intelligently. In fact, a lot of people can’t even accept it when I drop the arguement and try to walk away because at some point its not even worth it to try and discuss it with someone who is screaming in your face. As your father did with you.
    You may have written your essay in anger, but it was completely valid and you do not have to try and explain away your guilt for disagreeing with your parents. In fact, if you hadn’t written the article, would they have taken the time to sit down and discuss the situation?
    Anyway, don’t get me wrong, you are still on my daily reading list, and I hope to see you continue well into the future.
    Have a happy new year.
    Keith from Boston

  17. I never really felt your original essay was entirely about your respective beliefs, but how you and your dad felt about your mutual reactions to each other’s opinions. I still feel that. And I feel even more strongly how good it is that you and he have such good communication with each other that you were able to discuss it and get your feelings on the incident out in the open even without swaying the other person to your side of the argument. This is rare and wondrous.

  18. Yes, you reacted to the family Christmas incident in a very emotional way and reported the incident as *you experienced it*. Clearly it was a great shock to you. But I also can’t imagine many people who’d like to see the story of how they totally lost their temper in print, either.
    You handled the after math in a wise and rational manner, by conversing with your parents and reporting the conversation directly.
    We live in a scary world right now and our generation will be dealing with the repurcussions for a very long time.
    My family *Doesn’t Talk Politics*. We’re too different. They lived through a world war, and their parents survived the Great Depression. We, raised in prosperity and security, cannot understand their world or their mindset. They, watching us grow up in these times, then having all that security ripped away in one morning, don’t understand our reactions (they either lived at the time of Pearl Harbor, or grew up just after it).
    I don’t know what my point is, other than to say that I understand your emotional reaction, and admire your consequent rational action. I enjoy reading your blog and will continue to do so. Especially because you post real life and not pre-digested pap calculated to get a reaction.

  19. First, you’re a bigger man than me to take the amount of time that it must’ve taken to transcribe all that. Or did you use some type of software to do it for you? If so, what?
    Second, I read the piece while my parents were guests in our home over the holidays. My impression of my father over the last couple of years is that he’s also turned into one of these pod people. He made at least one comment to reinforce this impression while he was here. However, we did not have a moment such as the one that you described and I probably would’ve reacted as you did if it had occurred.
    I printed out the Salon article and almost showed it to my parents. In the end, I opted not to do it and, having read a fair portion of this post, I’m glad that I didn’t. I would like to have the sort of sit-down discussion that you had though. I think it’d be useful. Unfortunately, my parents live too far away to make it easy to do.
    Anyway, I think you set things right with this post and you achieved your main goal with the Salon article, to foster better dialog between people with different viewpoints.

  21. there you go being a stand-up guy about it. my god, how will the excessive polarization of political discussion continue with actual communication going on? bah!
    but seriously, good to hear. thanks for telling us.

  22. Fabulous post, and the original essay was wonderful as well. It’s
    really ringing true to me this week, as I’ve been engaged in a very
    raucous debate with my own father regarding the war in Iraq, Bush’s
    wiretaps, and this administration in general.
    Like you, I’m often amazed at the sea change in my father: from the
    nicest guy you’d ever meet, who used to invite my friends for a meal
    every time they came by the house; to a raging lunatic who sends me
    Rush Limbaugh quotes. Unlike your parents, my father DOES watch Fox
    News.
    I love that you wanted to give your parents a chance to explain their
    side of the story; and your heartbreaking guilt at how they responded
    to your original essay shows what kind of man you are.
    But your original point was valid and remains valid: conservative talk
    radio and Fox News have destroyed civil discourse in this country.
    They’ve absolutely massacred it.
    I can’t have a civil, intelligent conversation with my father about
    any political issue anymore. Because all he can do is parrot the FNC
    talking points like the dumbest person alive. And what baffles me is
    that he’s not dumb; he’s one of the smartest men I know. He’s also
    one of the kindest, but when we’re talking about the Iraq war, and the
    number of civilians killed, he doesn’t care. “Kill ’em all,” he says.
    Now, my father has always been a Republican. He served in the Navy
    and works for a defense contractor, so it sort of comes with the
    territory. But the vitriol in his arguments has increased, just as
    his logic and capability for rational political discussion has
    decreased, over the last 10 years. It’s been a noticeable change that
    worsened and solidified during the Clinton years.
    I’d never seen my father hate someone until Bill Clinton came along.
    I’d never imagined that my father could feel such fury for someone
    he’d never met, someone who’d never done anything to him personally,
    never harmed his family. But the hatred he felt (and still feels) was
    artificial. It was created by talk radio and installed in him by Rush
    Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, and Ann Coulter (shudder).
    So, I just want to thank you for writing what you wrote. Perhaps your
    characterization of your parents was over-the-top, but you’ve now set
    the record straight. I admire you for that, and I envy you for the
    rational, calm political discussion you were able to have with your
    parents to straighten things out.
    I could never have that kind of conversation with my father. And so,
    just this morning, I did something that’s very hard for me to do: I
    let someone else have the last word. I wrote my dad back and told him
    I wasn’t continuing the debate. There’s no point, and I’m sick of
    banging my head against a brick wall.
    I have to learn to not debate politics with my father. It’s a losing
    proposition. Neither one of us will be able to convince the other;
    and truthfully, the more we debate politics and I see how blinded he
    is by the wingnuts, the less I respect him as a person. So I have to
    learn to talk weather, football, his upcoming
    granddaughter….anything other than politics.
    Anyway, thanks for writing. Great, great stuff.

  23. Your dad is clearly a smart man, but seems to have fallen into the ideological trap many people fall into (right or left).
    He remembers his party as representing “conservative” values and he wants that to hold sway in government. The problem is his party doesn’t represent those anymore, but he’s unwilling to believe the other side would be better at this point. The whole “bitter with the sweet”. What sweet is the republican party giving these days to someone of your dad’s mindset?
    Smaller government? No. Less taxes? No. Peace? No.
    If he actually looked at the things he cares about and which party has done more in the way of forwarding those concepts, he might change his mind. He won’t though, he’ll stay his course because the older you get the less apt you are to change, and hope his party comes back to the ideals it had way back when.
    There was a time I felt more at home with conservative planks, ones about small government, funding local social programs, fiscal responsibility. I was never keen on the whole christian fundamentalist thing that’s taken over the republican party. I’m sort of without a party now…picking the lessor of the evils each time.

  24. Redistributing wealth upwards?

    I didnt link to Wil Wheatons first post in this saga, because nothing interested me out of the ordinary. But this post did interest me because of one sentence/quote:
    W: So redistribution of wealth downward is bad, but redistribution o…

  25. Wil,
    You did a beautiful thing by being so considerate of your parents’ feelings. But you shouldn’t feel so badly for having originally expressed yourself. People are going to think whatever they want, no matter how neutral you try to be when telling a story. Had you said, “Okay, everybody, let’s all hate my dad now, and here’s why . . . “, then I could see the need for some serious penitence.
    But you just made a mistake, like all humans do, and you faced it like a man.
    As far as opposing viewpoints go, I can relate. I’m a Liberal living in Texas . . . enough said.

  27. Wil,
    You have good, strong ethics, and you are a careful and responsible son for setting the record straight and fixing what you might have broken. For that, I’m proud of you, even though I have no cause to claim that I even have the right to be proud of you. But I am, anyway. It’s good stuff.
    At the same time, I urge you not to let the dynamics of the situation (familial ties and obligations, guilt from hurting or disappointing parents, shame in front of children, all those things) change your committment to the ideals you hold dear.
    Yes, you had a very public fight and opportunity to both break and fix things with your parents, which you handled with aplomb, but the fact is, it was going to happen in some way given your political differences with your parents and your chosen profession. I know you are very committed to doing the right thing and to fixing things that are broken. You are also a very articulate speaker and writer about things many of us hold dear. Please don’t let your familial ties keep you from having your own opinion. I know you’d scoff at the idea that they could, but I urge you to think and step carefully in the near future, when the pain of the clash you had with your parents will still be very present in your mind and heart.
    Just keep thinking for yourself and articulating that, then give it an editor’s pass to make sure you don’t hurt the people you hold dear in ways you don’t intend, but please don’t let that pain stifle your voice – it is so very important to me.
    Thank you for all you’ve done in this life. It’s very important to me.
    M

  28. Wow, man. This is the kind of thing that would seriously make me feel sick to my stomach for awhile. Maybe years, whenever I thought of it. If (or when) it does, and you cringe internally with the memory, just remember that you tried to set the record straight and that your parents still love you, and take a few deeep breaths.
    No, it won’t help all that much, but it gives you something to do.
    We fuck up, and we hurt the people we love sometimes. It sucks, but we go on. Good on you for taking the time to talk this out with your parents.

  29. I won’t comment too much on the awesome-ness of this post, others have done that. I want to leave two other comments:
    1) Your recollection of FOX News being on all the time is due to a statistical error: you didn’t sample frequently enough – so you got a distorted picture by only looking at infrequent measurements. Unless you were at your parents house nearly every night at the same time, you didn’t have enough samples to “measure” what was on “all the time” at their house.
    2) You, and your family, are the kinds of people this country needs most: people who think about their political positions, and only take a position after they’ve done that. I imagine that you lean conservatively on some issues, maybe, and liberally on others. Your Mom certainly seems to do so, and while your Dad is more conservative, he also is thinking about his positions. They passed that on to you, obviously. The true wingnuts are the people on either end of the political spectrum who don’t think, but just react immediately that the “other side” is wrong. We shouldn’t have “other sides” in our country, but rather reasoned debate and discussion, like you and your parents. You should all run for Representatives from California, it’d do the country good to have alll three of you!

  30. Blurring Philosophies and the Hearts and Minds of America

    We need to learn to talk to each other about the issues without it becoming a war of dogma. And if we can’t start by talking with our own parents, who can we talk to? We all have our lenses on, whatever the color. But despite those lenses, I think ther…

  31. Wil,
    I know you feel bad about hurting your parents and I think it’s awesome that you’ve gone to such lengths to make things right, it takes a lot of guts to do it all out in the open like this too.
    That said, I would say you’re a little hard on yourself here, you are a writer, not a journalist. A lot of what you write reflects your percptions and feelings, and that’s the way it should be. Right or wrong (Or left, as it were) if you felt the way you did and percieved things as such, then your portrayal was true to your experience. Now that perception has obviously changed because of the subsequent events, and that’s a great thing, it was obviously a painful process but a happy ending.
    Please, don’t second guess your perceptions and your feelings even as the journey you take changes them, if you second guess yourself too much you’ll lose the magic that makes for great writing (And great reading for all of us)
    Peace and prosperity to your family and cockpunches to the shit talkers !!
    Happy 2006 Wil.

  32. I’m so glad you posted this! I too think it’s sad that politics can interfere with family relationships. I have had similar exchanges with my own parents over the last several years. However, they are liberal democrats and I am middle of the road, leaning to the right. I actually found myself agreeing with most of what your parents said. I find myself leaning republican for the reasons your dad said toward the end of the conversation. I can tell that my parents are disappointed in my political philosophy, and they don’t understand how it happened, but they are the one’s who raised me to form my own opinions and make up my own mind. I’m also glad you seem open minded and don’t think a particular political party defines people’s every thought and action.
    PS – a liberal (I listen to both sides) talk show host in Seattle did a show on your Salon article, I wonder if she will mention this?

  33. Don’t feel you have to resign, Wil- we all make errors in judgement, and it’s the people who own up to the error and take responsibility (and apologize) who help the rest of us to do the same thing. It’s a great example for, say, politicians and businesspeople who all too sadly shuffle blame (cough cough Enron…).
    The political discussion was interesting, and it’s good to acknowledge that you can love someone who totally disagrees with you- you can learn from them without changing your view. Maybe if we all had this sort of calm discussion with those who disagree with us politically, we’d stop with the stupid Red State/Blue State division that seems to be spreading us apart.
    What didn’t seem to get acknowledged was that your dad did lose it on you in front of your wife and kid- and that’s something that adult children seem to suffer- reminding your parent that they wouldn’t yell the same way at, say, a non-related adult of the same age as you. It’s frustrating as hell when a parent loses sight of the fact that you’re an adult and deserve the respect of one in any disagreement.
    That aside, this was a thought-provoking essay to end 2005. I’m sorry for your family’s pain, and I hope you grow stronger together- it sounds like you already are.
    Thanks for all the great writing, humor, and sharing, and happy new year to us all!

  34. It’s funny, but when I ready the first article, the 10-year-old in me kept thinking, “Ooo! He’s gonna get in trouble!”
    Everybody makes desicions that they later wish they hadn’t. It doesn’t invalidate your point of view or theirs. None of what’s going on with the current administration can’t be solved (or really, even summed up) in a single article. Nothing so simple, human nature won’t allow it.
    What really matters is that you and your parents are still friends.

  35. Wil,
    It takes a man to correct his mistakes and I highly respect you for it. Just a quibble however: you mention that proponents of Capital Punishment rely on emotion to justify their position and opponents, facts. You then make a comment that California’s statistics are anomolous (12 executions with 8 of them being white) as compared to the rest of the country. It turns out that you are mistaken. Of the 1004 executions that have taken place since the reinstatement of the death penalty in 1976, 579 have been white, 339 black, 63 latino, and 23 other. That is very close to the same ratio as California. The stats can be found at http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/executions.php . The other quibble is that I am firmly middle class with a high 5 figure income and my tax rate is 2% LESS under Bush than Clinton (I looked up my past returns this morning to verify this).
    Although I am probably closer to your parents politically than I am to you, I heartily applaud your call for rational discourse when discussing policy and politics. Without the ability to discuss problems and find compromise solutions we will never make progress.
    Thanks for your writing, your podcast, and your honesty and integrity.
    MWB

  37. I’ve read your blog for quite a while – I never thought your folks were ‘wingnuts’, I just thought it was nice to come across a family that actually had debates and discussions rather that just living in little bubbles isolated from each other like many families seem to these days.
    You sound like a great family who have respect, openness and the ability to thrash things out when need be.

  38. I have come to believe two things which I believe are important and relevant here.
    First, reasonable people will disagree about matters of degree or emphasis *much* more often than they disagree about matters that are black and white. If people disagree strongly, it’s usually because they see something in black and white that’s been oversimplified, and there’s probably a middle position that would satisfy both of them, but they can’t see it.
    Second, everyone looks at the world through “filters”, and no one person can observe the entire world in its natural form. Many liberals believe that if people take part in a reasonable discussion, they will eventually reach an agreeable consensus. That’s not actually true, because everyone is observing the world through slightly different filters.
    We should all continue to have reasonable discussions with our friends, and especially with our loved ones. We should *not* expect that we’ll come away with a consensus, or finally figure out the “right” answer. But, it’s still important to have discussions because it gives each of us an understanding and respect for people who disagree with us.
    I applaud you for having the courage to really talk to your parents, even if the way you got them to the table was inelegant. Let me also say that the reason I read your writing is not because you say things I happen to agree with; it’s because I love to read sincere expressions of other people’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Talk radio is often guilty of summarizing things into over-sharp clarity that loses sight of the reasons behind the views. Whatever YOU are guilty of, it’s certainly not that.
    Thank you.

  39. Watching Parent(s) Turn

    An excellent excellent article by Wil Wheaton at Salon.com. Im sure many of us have had this experience, but it really meshes with what Ive experienced with my dad (although, admittedly and thankfully, no screaming match disagreements….

  40. Two comments regarding issues mentioned in your post:
    1. Regardless of how hard they think they’ve worked, no one who makes more than $100,000.00 a year has worked any harder than the majority of people who make less than that. Their contribution to society is certainly no more. To say that anyone “deserves” to be wealthy more than anyone else is absurd and arrogant. Do you feel you have worked less hard than any of the actors who consistently make millions of dollars up-front on movies? Do you think they have contributed more to society?
    2. Regarding the death penalty: It’s neither retribution nor revenge. It’s simple common sense.
    First, anyone who deliberately takes another’s life out of anything other than self-defense does not deserve to live. They are a detriment to society.
    Second, economics is an issue: why should society pay more than most people earn just to keep these people in jail? Regardless of how you feel about the conditions, they don’t have to worry about whether there will be a roof over their head, clothes or food to eat. That’s all supplied, and they don’t have to do a damn thing to earn it. Considering the number of homeless in this country, it is unconscionable to spend so much money in that way.
    Third is an aspect that I’ve never seen discussed: many of the people in jail actually THRIVE in that environment. Just because you and I wouldn’t do well doesn’t mean that they don’t. Some people are both violent and incapable of functioning without the rigid structure that jail provides. In jail, they are told who they are, what to do, and when to do it. They don’t have to think for themselves or worry about how to deal with society. Putting them in jail simply concentrates and organizes the evil.
    Last, but not least: rehabilitation in jail is a myth. Individuals either belong there or they don’t. The few who are “scared straight” would not have been repeat offenders anyway, and the rest keep offending, whether they get caught or not.

  41. Wow… what an amazing post. Was it long??? I hadn’t noticed, being so enthralled in the reading of it. You are a wonderful writer, Wil…. thoughtful and inspiring.
    If I were your parents, and I am about their age, I would be extremely proud of you. Your willingness to confront this learning experience under the watchful eyes of your public was extraordinarily brave.
    If you look up courage in the dictionary, if your picture isn’t next to the definition, it should be – “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty or pain without fear” – You approached this full-tilt, despite the knots in your stomach. You encourage each of us to be more like you and your parents…. better people. Congrats.

  42. Well done, Wil. Your conversation with your parents parallels a realization I’ve been coming to over the past year, which is that we’re all people with (mostly) well-founded opinions. It’s so easy for those of us on one side to villify those on the other, and I used to find myself portraying all conservatives as evil or crazy. I have friends who still do, but the difference is that now, it bothers me a great deal. Your attempt at discourse on the personal level is one that should be mirrored in our society at large… what, I feel, is largely missing from talk radio, and even from the news outlets that take statements out of context and give us tiny bits of information that don’t tell the real story. Issues are complicated, as are our individual opinions. Thanks for telling such a personal story, with embarassment and all, and for trying to facilitate a real discussion. Putting our anger and preconceptions away, and asking real questions about why people think in the ways they do, is the only way we’ll ever make progress. Bravo.

  43. I applaud your willingness to stand up for your convictions and your values. It is evident that not only do you have the bravery to state publicly when you are wrong, but also to make restitution when you have wronged someone.
    This is something both you and your parents should be proud of. You have developed into the kind of person they seem to take pride in – and you reflect the values that they instilled in you.
    It doesn’t matter that your political views are different from theirs – it only matters that they taught you honor and integrity, and you show it in what you do, and how you deal with mistakes.

  44. We all have disagreements and misperceptions of our parents and other family members. The only real mistake you made was making your’s so public without giving them a chance to represent themselves. It might not matter as much if you didn’t have such a following but in this case it came back to bite you in the butt. I admire you for how you handled it. Clearly your parents forgave you. You’ve learned a valuable lesson and made an effort to make amends and learned alot about your parents in the process. Now it’s time to forgive yourself. Quit being so hard on yourself.
    We all make mistakes, some of us make them more publicly than others is all.

  45. Yeah Wil, unfortunately my computer has issues with accepting Salon’s daypass, so I couldn’t read the article, but I can understand how you feel. In one of my first attempts at journalism in it, I totally misrepresented and was flat out wrong on some parts about gubernatorial candidates who had spoken to my College Democrats club in an attempt to win its endorsement. I practically got browbeaten by the wronged candidate (who I definitely was not endorsing) and issued a correction and questioned the state of my blog. This may seem a bit petty, but it’s just to know that big and small the mistakes can feel hard all around, and I feel for you.
    I hope your post here was as catharthic as my state of the blog post was for me.

  46. I didn’t comment on your Christmas article, Wil, because at the time you wrote it I was reading “Just a Geek”. I had a strong premonition that eventually you were going to wish that you really *were* a Time Traveler, so that you could go back and retract that particular piece. Your earlier prose shines with the love you bear for your family members, and I knew that given a bit of time to calm down and lick your wounds, you were going to develop a more balanced point of view.
    I’m glad that you did so, and that you were honest enough to present that process to your readers.
    Like your parents, I suspect that there are a few things you might end up regretting about this article as well. But I think that’s part of the process that comes with the decision you’ve made to be honest with your readers and yourself. ‘Warts and All’ is, by definition, not always pretty. But we don’t learn much from pretty, either.
    You could choose to only write things that are upbeat and Nice and Fun – there’s a place for that sort of writing (and reading). But it’s not particularly meaningful. It’s not the sort of writing that stays with us.
    It takes a strong person to present himself as flawed, and to admit his mistakes. You’ve proven that you have that sort of strength.
    I know that you are sincere in your regret for the mistake that you’ve made – but now I hope that you’ll challenge yourself in another way, and be strong enough to accept that mistake and your own sincere feelings, learn what you can from them, and then lay the shame you are feeling aside.
    Remember that those self-flagellating monks in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” didn’t accomplish anything through their self-blaming behavior – they blinded themselves to the world around them, and fell/jumped pointlessly into the ocean. Not the sort of thing your parents would be terribly happy to see you emulate.
    Live, learn, make mistakes, get messy, slap your forehead and exclaim ‘D’oh!’ – and then keep going and make your parents proud.
    I still suspect your mom thinks everyone should be so lucky as to have a son like you.

  47. Excellent writing, Wil. My gut wrenched for you and your parents as I read it.
    I’m not going to take issue with any of the political positions expressed by you or your parents, because I don’t think that is the point of the post. What I saw was a demonstration that the both of you could discuss politcal hot topics in a calm, rational and reasoned way. Your dad sounds awesome and your mom rocks too.
    We feel bad when we hurt people we care about, and we should. You are a big person to make amends in this way.
    I hope everyone who posted harsh assumptions about your father will post apologies as well. Your original post misrepresented them, but it didn’t sanction open season namecalling either. Anonymity of the web and all that.
    Best wishes to you and your whole family for the holidays.

  48. Wil, stop beating yourself up. You goofed, and your parents forgave you. You’re hardly the first adult kid to mis-represent their parents – the only difference is how widely read your blog is compared to most people. Anyone that’s read you for a while knows how much you love and respect your parents, and knows they did A Great Job with you, so we all knew to take your account with a grain of salt. It happens.
    FWIW, Langer’s book is really good, both for conservative parents, and their liberal kids. *wink* I gave a copy to my “surrogate mom”, in the hopes that she’ll let me know when I’m coddling her, and tell me to stuff it! (our expectations of others can become reality – see also Pygmalion in the Classroom)
    The mean comments your dad saw were likely from the same crowd that jumps on every passing “I hate ____!” fad around, and unfortunetly read your blog that day. Reminds me why you’ve said several times that your posts would be “less personal” from now on…there’s good and bad to posting personal things, but it’s all learning, if you let be so. And clearly, you are learning. 😀 More proof of your parents’ teachings sticking with you.
    Wishing you great Joy and (much less painful) Learning in the New Year!

  49. Wil, I liked your essay. You are a good man. In fact, you are a great man…only a great man can face a mistake, admit it to himself and to the people he may have wronged and make amends. It’s too bad our current President does not fit into that category.
    The one thing I have never been able to figure out is how true conservatives can vote for the current Republican President and his cohorts. They do not reflect true conservative values and never have. It’s that disconnect that I think frustrates you and so many of the rest of us.
    I am a small business owner. Things are bad and the Republican Party has not helped us.
    Haliburton doesn’t need any more tax breaks. WalMart does need any more tax breaks.
    I’d rather feed someone, even though they may not have earned it, (Jesus fed people I don’t recall Him asking any of them whether they earned it or not!) then put someone to death. Let he who is without guilt throw the switch.
    All in all complicated issues. I repeat, you are a great man. I’m glad you talked with your family. I am glad you made amends.

  50. Wil,
    A couple quick things….
    1. Anyone talking shit about your parents after your first post on this topic quite clearly missed the underlying tone of the post–that your parents weren’t/aren’t exactly the people you thought they were, and that THE SITUATION in this was made particularly clear to you threw you for a hell of a loop. Ignore the trolls.
    2. As has been made abundantly clear over the past several years (both in your own posts and on the unfortunately rare occasions when Anne or your parents has posted), your relationship with your parents is one most people can only dream of. You and they will always have differences of opinion, but I have always had the impression that your relationship with your parents is far stronger than any of these minor roadbumps. And, y’know, I’m a doctor so I can say that sorta stuff and pretend to be somehow authoritative and crap.
    Don’t sweat the small stuff. Water, bridge, etc.

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