pour it in my hand for a dime

I woke up this morning and for the first time since I provided experimental proof of the First Law of Motion, I wasn’t in any pain or discomfort.

“Oh good,” I thought, “Things are looking up! Maybe I won’t have to load myself up with stupid painkillers today!”

I got out of bed, grabbed a cup of coffee and a seat at the dining room table, and checked my e-mail.

There were some nice notes from readers about Happiest Days and the audio version of Just A Geek. There wasn’t any spam.

I was feeling good. Damn good. I was thinking about maybe even heading down to the park for a gentle swim in the pool . . . and that’s when without warning, I was hit by one of the biggest sneezes I think I’ve ever had in my life. I didn’t have time to grab a pillow, I didn’t have time to splint myself. All I could do was reflexively cover my face with my hand to catch the scream.

I felt and heard the pop in my side, down low where my doctor had shown me the break on my xray last week. My back immediately went into a spasm as my body made an effort – just a few seconds too late – to immobilize the affected area.

Nolan poked his head into the room.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” I said in my best Marcellus Wallace voice, “I’m pretty far from okay.” In my head, I added the “muthafukkin” that Pulp Fiction quoting purists are currently sucking their teeth at me for leaving out.

I slowly stood up and went to the kitchen. I shoveled a bunch of cereal into my face and took the pain medication I’ve been wanting so desperately to get off for the last few days.

I tried to bend down to pet my dog, and learned a rather painful lesson about getting crazy ideas in my head about doing silly things like trying to bend down to pet my dog with a broken rib.

This all happened about 45 minutes ago. The pain meds are starting to kick in, which means that it’s really in my best interest to get offline and go watch more Olympics as the stupid sets in.

Until I return, please enjoy the following clip, which has been on my mind for the last ten days:

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37 thoughts on “pour it in my hand for a dime”

  3. I’ve also been recently reminded of a joke I first heard from Roy Blount:
    Adam says to God, “I’m lonely.”
    God replies, “I can make you a faithful, loving companion. She will always be at your side, supporting you when you need it and cheering you on when you don’t. She will raise smart, respectful children, and she will keep your house running smoothly whenever you are away. In every way, she will be your perfect soulmate.”
    Adam says, “That sounds wonderful, God. What’ll it cost me?”
    God says, “An arm and a leg.”
    Adam whistles. “That’s pretty expensive, God. What can I get for a rib?”

  4. If you feel a sneeze coming on and need to stop it, say, “Moo.” Or at least make the shape with your mouth. It is 100% guaranteed to stop a sneeze.

  5. ow. ow .ow.
    Veg out on the couch and relax. Quit trying to be productive! After all, the Olympics are best viewed when you’re full of meds.

  7. Man, this seriously sucks! If/when you come to PAX next week, you might consider asking for a contingent of Enforcers to guard you from crowd crushing during a concert or enthusiastic fan hugs. Just sayin’.

  9. Wil, ow! I really hope you start feeling better.
    Your post did trigger memory for me…I tend to sneeze in series of 3s or 4s; my (younger) sister once commented to me that she was sure sneezing kills brain cells. I am still sometimes convinced that she wasn’t just trying to mess with my head. Had she but known what sneezing can do to recouperating ribs!

  10. Hearing a pop where you ribs were broken sounds bad. I think I’m going to second the recommendation to at least give your doctor a call.

  11. Gee Wil, I hurt just reading that. Take care man and get well soon.
    I am enjoying the Olympics too. Lot’s of pretty girls there 🙂
    BTW I received my copy of “Happiest Days” today and I am really enjoying it.
    Is it just my computer or are the audio and video not synced up in that clip? Oh well, it was funny regardless.
    Take it easy.

  12. Gesundheit. I had the broken rib sneeze thing. I have a caution for you on another body function. Avoid cheese and THINGS that will bind you up if you know what i mean. You would not want to bear down.
    Beek

  15. Ohhhhhh… Sweetie! That just sounds TERRIBLE! Popping is bad. Check in with your doctor to make sure everything is still in the right place while it’s healing.

  16. 🙁 I hope you feel better soon. It sucks uber hard when you think you are feeling better just to be knocked back a notch. Going through something similar myself right now. Maybe we should all curl up in a blanket and read stories to each other. Not in a creepy way mind you LOL>
    I really do hope you are better for PAX next week. I was suppose to go but *sigh* still have a handful of staff to train. Really sucks since I had free tickets as a friend of mine is working there. Hopefully next year.
    Sending healing thoughts your way.

  17. Please do everything you can to stay still and heal. We are all sending tons of positive energy your way.
    btw, booo, 🙁 the video didn’t come through to the LiveJournal feed for some reason. 🙁

  19. Ooooh, poor Wil. I dislocated a rib during a coughing spell a few years back (yes, I COUGHED my rib into a dislocation), so I can sympathize. I’ll tell you what I tell all my patients – there’s no reason to be a martyr. If it hurts, TAKE SOMETHING. Hope you feel better soon.

  20. Yikes…. that’s a “Oh Shit” moment if I’ve ever heard one…. I’m so sorry, Wil. I agree with the other posters – a follow-up with your doc is definitely in order.
    Wishing you good healing vibes and Olympic dreams…

  24. Maybe you’ve heard this one, but I haven’t seen it in the posts. A pillow is your best friend.
    In August 2006, I fell through a trap-door and fractured 10 ribs and broke a collar-bone. The only useful advice anyone gave me in the hospital was simple but ESSENTIAL. If afflicted with coughs or laughter, having your arms wrapped around a bed-pillow, hugged to your torso, muffles the agony. Sounds too simple, but a HUGE help. I vividly remember the first day I risked watching Comedy Central (a ‘Mind of Mencia’ marathon). OW. Hah hah! OW. (Repeat).
    BTW tonight is my first dip into the Wil blogs. Fantastic. Cheers, and speedy recovery.

  27. I sort of know your pain. If I get a good heavy sneeze I pinch a nerve in my neck that shoots the worst pain in the world down my arms. For the next minute or so I don’t want to do anything with my arms.

  28. Ouch! Reminds me of when I had an haemoroidectomy some years ago (and, yes, it is worse than you would think, which is saying something – although the Valium was nice). Anyway, as I was recovering I discovered how many other actions (laughing, sneezing, coughing, etc.) that CAUSED PAIN. Obviously the first bowel movement was the worst, but knowing how bad it was, the second bowel movement was far more frightening…

  29. I feel your pain and sympathize. I fell off a roof and cracked a rib. Four days later got one of the worst colds I have ever had, started sneezing and heard a loud pop followed by lots of pain. Let the pills do the work, relax, and thank goodness the Olympics are on. Meds make them better.

  31. So sorry to hear. My wife fell off a ladder 2 weeks ago. broken wrist (with an awesome terminator gadget on it) and 3 cracked ribs, so she really sympathized. Good thing the Olympics are on or you might succumb to the dreaded Oprah!

  32. You might want to be careful with that. My sisters mother in law broke three of her ribs after tripping over one of those mats you put down under an office chair about four weeks ago. She thought she would be o.k. but she got to moving around to much and she pierced her left lung. They had to go in and do a bunch of emergency surgery on it to repair the damage. She seems as good as pulp fiction blueberry pancakes right now, but it was shaky for a while.

  34. Wowsa, that’s gotta be on of the worst endings to a delicious morning I’ve heard of for a while. Hope that you spend lots of hours watching the end of the Olympics, and whatever else keeps your attention mildly, and heal quickly. Hope to see you at PAX if everything goes well. Maybe they can wheel you around on a bed or something fluffy and soft to minimize risk of further damage at the event? Even if you didn’t need it, it would make a great visual!

  35. Thanks for the clip. We’ll sure miss Isaac Hayes and don’t recall seeing it. That sort of happened to me in Harlem in 1968. I was on “vacation” from summer camp Timber Lake with a brother from Roosevelt who was working there, I was the head dishwasher he drove the 50s Army jeep, 6’6″ (on the one hand thank the deity for Hummers, he was also the camp basketball star) and did the maintenance. I walked into the Harlem candy store for an egg-cream (a NYC drink of chocolate syrup some milk and seltzer) then realized all I had was a $20, and the white guy behind the counter let me have it for free after alerting everyone, the guys hanging out at the magazine rack, the only way out, that what did I expect he’d have change for a $20? I left the small change on the counter.
    I was once followed home by a kid-brother of New York Golden Gloves boxer with a chip on his shoulder and spent three days in the hospital with my nose packed with cotton cord, and lo and behold the guy next to me had to call the nurses when I had once large giant sneeze! I actually had a cast on my nose.
    Hope you get well soon, I did that fall in an archaeology survey of the Republic Airport, last year, a part abandoned when they put the second runway in, near th blimp mast. Caught my foot in a buried wire fence under some undergrowth and almost landed face first on a liquor bottle. Lucky my left had braced my fall. Did it again on a woody vine on the old street there when a B-24 and a P-51 landed out of nowhere rushing to see WT? Shut your mouth…Shaft.

  36. oh man! that really sucks. I am no fan of physical pain and can’t stand to see it in others. get well soon. try not to trip out on the painkillers!

  37. Hi Wil. Would have emailed you this, but *headdesk* couldn’t get GPG to work on my Mac. We Canadians at Fan Expo 2008 in Toronto wanted to wish you well. Hope you get a laugh out of this
    video     for ya! Or maybe not if it hurts your rib…

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