On Twitter yesterday, I said, "And now, a useless fact, brought to you by 'I need a break from rewriting Encounter At Farpoint': I loved Mike Tyson's Punchout on NES."
I was flooded with replies that were variations of "WTF? Rewriting Encounter at Farpoint? Why?" I can see how, lacking context, it would appear that I'm actually rewriting the script, instead of the entry that's going into Memories of the Future.
Whoops. My bad. My efforts to clarify my error lead only to further confusion, so I just stopped talking about it, confident that the Internet would quickly turn its attention to something else. I was not disappointed.
Anyway, as if being sick for five days didn't suck up enough of my time, work on Memories of the Future has brought everything else in my creative life to a complete halt. I'm not complaining, because it's been a lot of fun, but holy shit The Last Outpost and Encounter at Farpoint are just killing me. It turns out that there are "so bad they're good" episodes in season one (Justice and Naked Now, for example) that are a lot of fun to write about, but The Last Outpost is so bad it's just … bad. It's an incredible challenge to find humor in it, and I have a new appreciation for what the crew at MST3K did for so many years with some truly horrible films.
Encounter at Farpoint, which I've been working on exclusively for a little over a week now, isn't the best, but it's certainly not the worst. However, it has given me a new appreciation for the challenges inherent to writing a pilot. A pilot's main purpose is to set up the series, and introduce the characters and the world to the audience. There's a lot at stake, because the pilot also has to convince the audience that the show (or in my case, my book) is going to be worth their time.
It's kind of poetic justice that the entry that starts my book, which is one of the most important for me to get just right, is based on an episode that I mock pretty mercilessly for struggling so hard to get it just right. Just like with a pilot, the stakes are really high: It's really important to me that the entry for Farpoint lets the reader know right away that this book is going to be a mixture of memories and insights, wrapped up in a tasty candy shell of snarky humor … and it's not nearly as easy to do that with Farpoint as it is with Hide and Q. There's a ton of pressure to knock this one into the seats, and it makes silencing the ever-present internal voices of dissent more difficult than it usually is. I got some good advice from a good friend today, though, that I'm attempting to embrace. He said that when you're doing creative things, it's really easy to over think it and talk yourself out of doing things, because nothing is as safe as not taking the creative risk at all. He said that we creative people have to push past that, and take the chances over and over again, because even if things don't work out the way we hope, we'll learn something from the process. I guess it's sort of like Gretzky saying that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Well, here's some of the stuff I've been working on lately. It's from Farpoint part one, right after the Enterprise runs into Q's giant computer graphics net thing:
Well, now the Enterprise has a problem: fight, or run away? Lieutenant Commander Bedemere wants to build a large wooden rabbit, but Picard decides that the best way to protect his crew is to do a little of both. He’ll take the ship to maximum warp speed, drive it away from the mysterious net, and separate the saucer section from the stardrive section, because this isn’t your mommy’s Enterprise, bitches. This spaceship comes apart, just like that TIE fighter you got for Christmas in 1979.
All the families head up into the saucer section, which will be commanded by Lt. Worf. (Did we mention that there are families aboard the Enterprise D? Yeah, turns out that there are, because Starfleet did this study and realized that space herpes – also known as Kirk’s Syndrome – spreads considerably slower if its officers have their spouses and children on board their ship. Also, who wouldn't want to drag their entire family with them out into the potentially dangerous and totally unexplored mass of the galaxy? I know, right?!) Meanwhile Picard takes Tasha, Data, and Troi with him into the stardrive section, where he assumes control of the battle bridge, and makes plans for a sexy party, complete with a precious spandex sailor suit.
The mysterious net turns into a mysterious shiny ball that chases the Enterpise at mysteriously fast speeds. After a mysterious minute, Picard orders the emergency saucer separation, a process which, though untested at warp speed and therefore theoretically deadly and dangerous, is made kind of silly by our knowledge as the audience that it's obviously going to work. It doesn’t reach Star Trek: The Motion Picture levels of excess, but it sure comes close, especially when the saucer section pulls away, and the stardrive section makes an actual burning-rubber-hot-rod-racing sound as it turns past the camera and heads back to face off against Q.
Once they get there, Picard surrenders (hey, he isFrench!) and Q transports the crew to a late-21st-century courtroom, where the cast of Time Bandits prepares to watch them stand trial for "the multiple and grievous savageries of the species."
Well, this should be interesting . . . except it really isn't. It's page after page of Q and Picard arguing about mankind. Q says we’re a bunch of assholes, and Picard says that we’re actually pretty awesome once you get to know us. It's not as preachy as some future episodes will be, but it could get to its point much more quickly than it does, and it delays what the audience really wants: getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers while solving real life problems. Eventually, even Q gets bored with the scene, and sends them all back to the battle bridge after declaring that the fate of humanity rests on how Picard handles his encounter at Farpoint. Oh? Is that all? Listen, Q, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but in Starfleet, we're pretty awesome once you get to know us. We save the universe and fuck the green alien chick twice before breakfast, every day. We’ve got this one, dude.
I'm not entirely satisfied, but it's almost there. I wrote the Farpoint posts for TV Squad after I'd already done like 8 or 9 other entries, and there was a real sense of fatigue in them when I grabbed the originals. I took all of the "omg this is so lame just get on with it" stuff out, because that isn't the tone I want for the whole book, and I didn't want someone who starts reading it to think that this is going to be Wil Slags Star Trek for 50,000 words, because it's not that at all. I still need to find more funny in these two specific episodes, but I think I may just have to accept that Farpoint and The Last Outpost aren't going to be as entertaining as some of the other entries in the book. I have to remember not to let perfect be the enemy of good.
Awesome little section of your work hope it comes out just as you would like it and hope your feeling better soon
Funny as HELL! Great work, Wil.
The Monty Python reference made me giggle. The bit about the sexy party made me choke on my vodka cocktail. Well played, sir.
I’m really looking forward to this book. Some of my hard-earned cash will definitely be paying for it once it’s ready for the masses. 😀
“I have to remember not to let perfect be the enemy of good.” Excellent advice for all of us. *Every* writer should have this prominently displayed above his/her writing surface.
Not sure if it’s a typo or a deliberate change, but it was actually Sir Bedevere who built the rabbit, not Bedemere (that one little letter … 🙂
Good luck finding the right angle – I’m having a similar hassle with a report I’m writing so I’m procrastinating by hitting your blog – neat! 🙂
I agree, I think you’re doing a great job. I actually ran across your TV Squad entries a couple weeks ago and seriously laughed so hard I cried – I can’t wait for the book to come out! I particularly like the bits about space herpes (oh, Kirk…) and the mysterious minute. It doesn’t feel like you’re picking on Star Trek, either – it’s the kind of snark only someone who truly understands and appreciates Star Trek could come up with (IMHO). Bravo!
Enjoyable, as your writing always is, but I agree that it needs a bit of polishing. Can I request a change to this line:
“Once they get there, Picard surrenders (hey, he is French!)”
Seems a little clumsy.
I feel bad now. Criticising you, even with the constructive kind, feels like locking up an ebullient puppy when guests are round. He only wants to play… don’t go sad-eyed on me, Wil!
hehe, nice work on the obscure Simpsons reference.
actual spit take at “..because this isn’t your mommy’s Enterprise, bitches.” Awesome!
Friggin love it
Enjoyed it (ROTFL at the rabbit!) but agreed not as smooth as some others…but yeah…it’s the source material, dude. This is a tough one.
Ugh.
Good luck!
Just to clarify my twitter response: I was requesting that, in addition to making the review funnier, you also make the review a musical. I was not requesting that you rewrite the episode as a musical. That would be crazy.
Agreed. *puts note on desk*
The editing phase kills me. I have much more stress in my initial rewrites than at any other time. I start to feel like I’m changing to much. My inner voice starts yelling that I’m “making it suck.”
Yeah…about that…breathe deeply and move on.
Put it away and come back.
I was not particularly disappointed with your Farpoint write-up on TV Squad, but it didn’t impress me the way your take on Angel One, Datalore, or Justice did. For reasons I’m sure are rather obvious to you.
On a bit of a tangent: is it just me, or are pilots getting WAY, WAY better? After the first season of Chuck, when I decided to catch up, I couldn’t believe how good the pilot was. Same goes for Sanctuary. In fact, the pilot for Sanctuary is much stronger than many of the later episodes. I wonder if more resources are allocated for pilot episodes these days, or if writers just have a better idea of how to handle that introductory moment.
Hey man, this is GOOD, so relax! But here’s my two cents if you want it… you included your take on the boring part of the episode. Perhaps because you find it boring or perhaps because it IS boring, there’s difficulty in making it interesting? Ever think of it in terms of Q being the audience and Picard defending himself as the “new captain”?
Impressive. I enjoyed it thoroghly. WELL DONE, SIR.
About MST3K, as I have claimed for years, snarkily ragging on shit in indeed an artform, one not to be overlooked. yep.
Nice. You referenced the Simpsons and Family Guy in the same page.
Very much looking forward this book, Wil! Thanks for the work-in-progress excerpt. This should be a fun, and funny, read.
If this is what you consider to be poorly done, I can’t wait to read the rest. While reading it I actually laughed out loud a few times. Geek humor rocks.
Oh, and one thing that always bugged me about that episode. Since the warp engines are attached to the body of the ship, how does the saucer section keep going at warp once they get far enough apart that it’s not inside the warp bubble?
Hee! “Space herpes – also known as Kirk’s Syndrome” and “Listen, Q, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but in Starfleet, we’re pretty awesome once you get to know us. We save the universe and fuck the green alien chick twice before breakfast, every day.” totally made me literally LOL. Riotously.
Oh, you’re good at this, Wheaton, trust me. I need this book yesterday, dude! No pressure or anything.
I cannot wait for this! When I saw you tweet this yesterday, I said OMG out loud and this is so going to rock. And I had to listen to the pulpgamer.com special you did re: Justice because YAY! It would be even better, if eventually it were an audio book complete with falling water bottles.
Now here is a sign of either a true fan or someone with mental problems, you all can pick. When ST:TNG started its re-runs nightly in ’94, I taped every single episode from beginning of the series to the end with no commercial breaks. And now I put them in my VCR to watch as I am going to bed.
Wil, I’m with everyone else … if you think this is bad or mediocre, I can’t wait to get my hands on the finished product! Keep up the great work!
Hey Wil, there’s a blip about you on tmz.com, currently on page two about what you look like today. Someone probably already told you, but just in case…
What follows is presumptuous editing advice…if that kind of thing isn’t what you want to read, please skip:
For the record I have no problem whatsoever with profanity. I don’t think “fuck the green alien chick” serves that last paragraph very well, though. It’s slightly jarring because it’s the first time you’ve used the word (at least in this selection you’ve shown us), and you’re using it in the carnal sense rather than “fucked up” or “stupid fucker” etc…etc…
Also “fuck the green alien chick” is kind of passe as far as trek jokes go, especially with the new JJ Abrams making it popular again. Replacing that with some more original would both make the passage stronger and also give you the opportunity for the additional funny you’re after.
This is all nosy internet opinion, of course. It’s your piece, your voice and your book.
I should include a link to what I said for anyone who has not heard it yet. It will give you a very nice idea for what you are in for with this newest addition to the Wil Wheaton library.
http://www.pulpgamer.com/specials/134046/wil-wheaton-reading-at-phoenix-cactus-comicon-2008/
Prepare to piss your pants laughing!
WARNING: If you have animals, spouses or children of any size and you are listening to this with headphones on, they will declare you insane.
Seconded. I found it jarring because the phrase is very much out of sync with the rest of the entry. The closest the rest of the entry gets to swearing is “bitches”. “Kirk’s Syndrome” and “space herpes” are the closest to mentions of carnality. The phrase “fuck the green alien chick” is sufficiently far beyond those that it changes the tone from snarky to insulting when it appears.
Really? Because even though I’ve heard many jokes about Kirk fucking green alien chicks over the years, I felt that he brought originality to it when he followed the joke with the phrase “twice before breakfast, every day.” Insulting, no. Funny, yes.
I agree that, considering the tone of the rest of the piece, “fuck” seems a bit strong and out-of-place.
Might I suggest “bang the green alien chick” in its place? Less jarring, but has the same rhythm in the sentence.
Other than that, I really like it, and I did laugh out loud at the wooden rabbit reference.
Don’t worry about pulling out all the stops on the first episode. Just let it flow naturally. You do not need to define the purpose of the book here, or in any other chapter. That is what introductions are for. Shoot, there’s nothing wrong with explaining your issues writing this particular entry right there in the introduction. Not that you need to apologize or anything in the intro (I think Beverly Crusher taught me not explain why I will fail before a performance). But just say what you told us above. You are known for your transparency, that’s what makes you so interesting. So just roll with it.
Oh, and the line about him being French = classic. My soon to be wife is French and I tease her like this all the time. She will love it.
Two things: Isn’t Troy wearing some ridiculous 60’s style outfit to go with the sexy parties?
and
no sidebar for the really, really, really old McCoy (despite the post title) or the klingon serving on the enterprise? Maybe I’m too much of a TNG fan, but weren’t these “WHAAAAT?” moments. If anything, they are a part of the “this is a different star trek show” hokey-ness (is that a word?) that you’re making fun of.
Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. I’m having trouble coming up with a good replacement term, though. How about “shtup?” It’s silly and still clear on the meaning, and I think it has the right sound, if you know what I mean.
My favorite lines: “(hey, he is French!)” and “the cast of Time Bandits”
Well, here’s some more advice from a stranger… As Toalie said, replace ‘fuck’ with ‘bang’ because it suits the tone better. And maybe add at the end, ‘only maybe not any more, because there’s families on board’. The line about families on the Enterprise keeping the space herpes in check seemed a bit like it was floating all by itself, and making a reference to it at the end like that would, I think, anchor it.
Also, isn’t this the only time in the whole show the battle bridge is used?
Good job though, dude. Don’t sweat it: write what you can, take a break from it and then fix the bugs in the re-edit.
I’m REALLY pleased other people picked up on this – because IMO too, it’s jarring. Not least because for girls like me, while okay the Captain was male there were plenty of good female characters in the series – it wasn’t just about a bunch of oafs “fucking green alien chicks”!
And I can’t think of any female character in TNG who existed purely in relation to a male – even Kamala, the metamorph, was a little deeper than that.
One of the reasons sci-fi is so close to my heart is that in my lifetime, fully-realised female characters were suddenly everywhere, from Ripley to Beverly Crusher to Romana, and to have that denied (which is what it read like, I’m sure not what you intended) by that line… kind of hurts.
Normally I wouldn’t presume to tell anyone how to write, but since you asked… well, that’s my take on it.
On a more upbeat note, that quote about overthinking the creative process made my day!
If that’s “not entirely satisfied”, I can’t wait to read “entirely satisfied” 🙂 Good work, sir!
Hi Wil, really loved it actually but you creative types are such perfectionists 🙂
“Meanwhile Picard takes Tasha, Data, and Troi with him into the stardrive section, where he assumes control of the battle bridge, and makes plans for a sexy party, complete with a precious spandex sailor suit.”
Best sentence ever.
I am really looking forward to this.
You make a good point, I’ll give you that much. But just indulge me for a second here. What is “fuck” or any other form of the word? It’s a word, or an acronym for the outdated term meaning “for unlawful carnal knowledge.” I’m a girl, and I’m totally not bothered by it, at all. You know why? Because when I was growing up, my Mom, who grew up in the 1940’s, explained to me that in her day, cuss words were a tool used by men to upset and control women. If a man swore in front of or directly to a woman, she would immediately feel “put in her place” and she told me that I should never let a cuss word make me feel denigrated. I refuse to let any mere word make me feel threatened or put in place. Just a thought…
Encounter at Farpoint the musical, a Wil Wheaton production.
Now that, would be awesome.
Why are you doing the episodes in order? If you are worried about people who may want to watch the dvds and read your book in tandem, include an index.
I think creatively it would be much cooler if you took the episodes out of order and presented them to the reader how you want them read. Take your best episode (you mentioned Hide and Q) and use that first. The episodes, especially in the first season don’t connect to each other very much. They seem pretty much self contained. I would be very interested in the order you chose and your reasons behind the order or grouping of episodes as much as your commentary on the episodes.
As a side note I would love to read your commentary on Final Mission (season 4 episode 9) any chance of getting you to post that? (after you are done with your book obviously )
I enjoyed the racing sounds that the Enterprise made when it did the skid turn to face off with Q.
But there is so much funny in this two-parter. The fact that Deanna and a few men are the only ones wearing the dress outfit, or the Jellyfish that nearly destroyed a planet (with fun “Is that you John? Oh its been so long, touch my tentacle.” action at the end). Deanna smugly walking to Riker as if she knows she’s the shit and he’s done nothing but pine for her for a few years. Dr. Crusher buying something in the market, and I think she charges it to the ship like its a Visa. The fact that you could hear the actors walking across the floor like the plywood wasn’t properly soundproofed, giving the entire episode a WTF is that noise-feel.
I can’t wait for this book!
Funny thing about baseball. It’s 9 innings long, and while the leadoff homerun is great to see, you can still lose 15-1 after that. The leadoff triple, double, or base hit followed by a home run bringing home two runs later on is better in the long run.
There, have I messed up your metaphor enough? Tell doubt to please STFU.
The thing I remember from that episode is how SLOOOOOWLY things move. When they’re separating the saucer section Picard says something like “On my mark number 1”. And when he finally says “Mark” it takes Ricker a full 3 seconds or so to nod at the guy who sits in your seat who (after another interminable delay) actually pushes the button to split the enterprise apart.
Reflexes of a F&*king panther I tell ya!
Q, by the way, was a complete plot buster and was, perhaps, the worse thing to happen to STNG. Talk about Deus Ex Machina! Here we are introducing a character that can do anything and place the character in whatever situation and surroundings the plot requires.
Q was never convinced of anything by Picard. He pretty much decided “Well, if I kill off these puny humans for fun then we won’t have an episode 2 and I need to log a few more hours at the studio to get the good health insurance from SAG. ‘OK You can go. Maybe we can dress up as pirates next time.’ ”
The only good Q did for us was that he gave us a target for our bile, scorn, and indignation. It gave us a chance to hone the skills we would so desperately need decades later when Jar Jar Binks entered the Star Wars world.
For me it’s not the word – I cuss like a trooper and always will – it’s the specific context, which implies that these alien chicks are just something there to be fucked. Not least because that bears 0% resemblance to any storyline in TNG!
Also, since no female character in TNG was notably gay, it takes the whole show right down to lad’s mag level of screwing anonymous females, and then casting them off, depersonalised and objectified, which I take as the implication of calling them “green alien chicks” – to bring that down to earth a little, imagine that was “black foreign chicks” to get a sense of how I see that context.
That in itself is no reason not to read something, or to get upset, but Wil’s writing usually aims far above that kind of level and as such, the whole thing struck me as jarring.
So if I had to choose, it’s the whole phrase as opposed to the word that jarred me – for me, some random on the internet, replacing it with boink or schtup or make sweet tender love to, would all have been equally squickworthy.
But I do agree with what (I think) is your main point – no-one can offend you (me, anyone) without their permission.
I’m (one-sidedly and without any implication of obligations) giving WW that permission by liking his style, his writing, and engaging a bit more with his values – for example, during the recent election, his stuff was a breath of fresh air compared with many bloggers.
That permission is what we all give people we care about, whether they’re an author, a musician, or whatever (not to mention real-life family & friends etc) and whether that’s reasonable is probably a whole other topic – anyway, hope that clears it up.
Au contraire, I thought Q was great – he played the same role as the deus ex machina, yes – but have YOU never had a last minute rescue that would have defied reason? I have, had one (financially, for my business) just today in fact!
The joker in a pack of cards, the wheel of fortune in a tarot pack, the hand of chance, the fairy godmother: they’re all global archetypes of exactly the same blind force of fate that makes people have heart attacks at 32, or win the lottery – it’s us puny humans bringing that randomness down into a form we can recognise – though never control.
Here endeth the sermon! :o)
The question I have about Encounter at Farpoint, as well as all the other Trek-sequel series premieres, is, why? The original series never did a “how the crew came together for their first mission” story, it just started with everything in place and dared the audience to figure it out as it went along. NBC didn’t even air the first episode first. When did it become obligatory to open with a two-hour story that’s contrived to give every member of the regular cast a character-defining moment?
Wow, who knew this comment would stir up so many replies? The writing training that I have really drummed into me the musicality of prose. We usually think of rhythm and pitch when we talk about poetry, but the same is true of prose because most people subvocalize while they read.
In reality a lot of time when you’re reading something your vocal cords are actually sounding out the words whether you realize it or not. Since most people read with a “voice” in their head. I know Wil keeps this in mind because he performs a lot of these pieces as spoken word.
So aside from it being a jarring word in the literary sense, it was also jarring in a musical sense. The hard K sound throws a monkeywrench into the middle of that sentence. When I read it with “bang” or “bone” or something it flows better, but those are weak word choices.
In my mind a euphamism would be stronger, but I can’t come up with a great one at the moment. Something along the lines of “We slip ensign lefler the old hydrospanner twice before breakfast, every day” I’m mixing metaphors, but you get the idea.
I agree, what you wrote about how having trouble writing this entry because it’s trying to do exactly what the pilot is trying to do actually works really well. It’s endearing and if followed with a trademark Wil Wheaton Snarky Comment, it would fit in nicely. Personally I wouldn’t stick it too close to the top, though…it sends a bad message to the read if you start your book with “Man, this book was really hard to write!”
Mmm, space herpes!
You know, sometimes you do the best you can.
When I was growing up, my mom loved Star Trek. Don’t get me wrong, i loved it, but my mom was HUGE on it. She decided that our lives would be so much more complete if we had the series (especially that new Next Generation business with her heartthrob Johnathan Frakes) on VHS. Unfortunately, we were pretty poor, so the only episode we ever got on tape was “Encounter at Farpoint.” Given that we only had ten tapes in the house tops, I think it’s needless to say I saw that one literally over a hundred times. Bad as it is, it’ll always have a special place in my heart.
Thank you for explaining in more detail why you were bothered by that specific use of the word. I think I see your point now, and while it still doesn’t really offend me, as a woman, I can see why it would offend others.
We’re talking about the 24th century here, where society has supposedly come so far that issues of race, beliefs, gender and/or orientation really should not apply whatsoever so long as everyone is treated equally. If the “old boys club” is still trash talking in the locker room, then society really hasn’t evolved that much, has it?
I think that was the point you were trying to make, more or less, and now I understand why that specific use of the word is so jarring to so many. Consider my eyes open, and thank you for helping me to see things from your point of view.