To everyone at Penguicon:

My friend, editor, and partner in crime, Andrew, is at Penguicon right now, and he's graciously agreed to be a substitute me for the weekend. I asked him if he'd read the following at the opening ceremonies tonight. If we timed it right, he should be reading this right now:

A few years ago, I had a really serious case of Epstein-Barr that really kicked me in the junk. My doctor said it was an exceptionally rare form of the virus, and warned me that I'd spend the rest of my life with a slightly-weakened immune system.

Monday or Tuesday, I started to feel all the warning signs of impending illness. I was more physically and mentally tired than I should have been, I was sneezing and coughing like crazy, and I felt generally run down.

"I am not getting sick," I told Anne. "I refuse to get sick. I don't have time to get sick."

Yesterday, I had a quarterly follow-up appointment with my doctor who did my sinus surgery a year ago.

"I'm traveling to Detroit tomorrow and –"

"You're working in an infection already," he said. "You shouldn't be traveling at all."

I told him how important it was to me to go. A lot of my friends will be there, I made a commitment to the organizers and the people attending. I'm playing Atari for charity. Couldn't he do something for me?

He said he could give me some meds, but there was no guarantee they'd work. He repeated how serious he was about me not traveling where I would be at risk for further infection, or infecting other people if whatever it is I have is contagious.

"Start this right away, and you'll know in the morning if you're going to feel better or not, but you really shouldn't travel."

I thanked him and left, determined to kick this thing's ass through the magic of pharmaceutical science.

As it turns out, yesterday was a really busy day for me. I worked on a game called Brütal Legend, which was awesome, but took a lot out of me and left me feeling like Daffy Duck after he blows himself up.

I was also invited to the Star Trek premiere last night, which was kind of a big deal, considering that I'm usually excluded from these things. Oh, and I've been excited to see the movie for over a year. And I was going to get to take my wife to a big deal Hollywood movie premiere. And, holy crap, people: Star Trek. I was so exhausted after working on the game, though, I decided that there was no way I could spend the evening out and still get enough rest to give my body a chance to heal itself. So, I made a really tough choice and stayed home. I can't tell you which of us was more upset about missing it, because we're both still pretty unhappy about it.

Anyway, after dinner last night, I packed my bags, went to bed early, and hoped for the best. I guess it was about 1:30 this morning when I woke up with a fever. I was covered in sweat (it made me slippery, like a fish.) I had body aches, chills, couldn't breathe through my nose, and felt like my throat had been replaced with a tube of meat that was filled with broken glass. Also, there was an angry badger running around in the tube, occasionally taking bites out of it. And from time to time, the Badger would climb out of my throat and claw me in the face, just because it could. The Frogurt was also cursed.

When my alarm went off at 5:30, I dragged myself out of bed, took a step toward the door, and felt like I was going to fall over. I was forced to admit that it would have been one of the most irresponsible things in the world for me to travel all the way across the country feeling like this. It would have been pretty miserable to fly with my head full of mucous and my throat smuggling an angry badger, but I was extremely worried about putting myself and my weaker-than-normal immune system at risk. I had these visions of suffering though a miserable flight only to discover that, once I got to Michigan, I felt even worse than I did standing next to my bed, and I was sharing a bed with an angry badger, no less.

I tried really hard to convince myself otherwise, but I was forced to admit that coming to Penguicon would have been a bad experience for everyone involved. I got sick at PAX last year, and though I did my best to tough it out, I wasn't 100%, I was too tired to have nearly as much fun as I wanted to, I disappointed a lot of people, and I got to spend a full week recovering when I got home. The idea of being 1000 miles from home and feeling like I did last night in my own house – or worse – was just too much for me.

I called Brendan, told him the bad news, and went back to sleep where – I am not making this up – I had a dream that I was riding in a car with Felicia Day, sneezing all over the windscreen.

I know this isn't the first Penguicon I've missed, and I've certainly earned your enmity (that's +1 to your attacks against me until the end of the encounter, and you get to roll twice, using the better roll, which is pretty sweet) but I wanted to offer a thought that I hope brightens your weekend: I've been attending cons for pretty much my whole life, and while it sucks when someone I wanted to see cancels for one reason or another, it's never made a con not fun for me. The panels and the guests and the signings are just one part of a con, and over the last 25 years or so, that's never been the part that sticks with me and makes cons memorable. It's being with my fellow geeks and fans, and the things we did together. It's the gaming, and the nitrogen ice cream, and the serendipitous meetings in the halls and the room parties.

All that's still going to happen, even though I can't be part of it, and you're still going to have an awesome time. Penguicon isn't about me, it's about you. (It is also, as it turns out, about making John Scalzi dress up as a pirate. Sorry, John.) If you were coming to Penguicon to see me do my thing, you have every right to be unhappy with me, and I take full responsibility for letting you down. It's really important to me that you know this, though: I didn't blow you off, guys, and whether you accept that or not, its the truth. I did everything I could short of putting myself on a plane against my (and my doctor's) better judgement to be with you right now.

It's not enough, but "I'm sorry" is the best I can do. I was really looking forward to finally meeting Elizabeth Bear in person, utterly destroying Shawn Powers in Combat, cheering with all the locals when the Wings crush the Ducks tonight, and hanging out with Andrew and John Scalzi and Cherie Priest, three of my favorite people in the world who I don't get to see nearly enough. In other words, you are not alone in your disappointment and I totally understand if you want to hate me to death (provided whatever I have doesn't beat you to it.)

Have a fucking awesome weekend (isn't it funny to see Andrew say "fucking?" he's not nearly as profane as I am so it always makes me giggle. Let's do it one more time: fucking awesome. Ha. Ha. Ha. HAHAHAHA!) and say it with me: Don't be a dick.

less than three,

Wil

93 thoughts on “To everyone at Penguicon:”

  6. My computer wouldn’t let me post unless I replied to someone… ?? Wil, I wasn’t going to be at Penguicon, so I’m not disappointed for myself; I am disappointed, though, for you & everyone else who will be there. I’m so sorry that you feel so crappy. Please take care of yourself, & feel better soon.
    -Alicia (@AliciaWag)

  7. Do you use NoScript or another script-blocking program? I had all sorts of hoops I jumped through to finally get it working consistently, the last one which would usually give me the same bug was refreshing the page a million times until ‘yahooapis’ or something like it finally got called and showed up in the list, and allowing it. May or may not work for you.

  8. Not that I know of… I can usually post just fine, so my computer’s just being wonky tonight, I guess… But thanks! 🙂
    -Alicia (@AliciaWag)

  9. Aww sunshine, that sounds like the worst possible time for your body to crap out on you! I’m so sorry you’ve had to miss a couple of fun and awesome things, but there’s plenty more fun and awesome on the way.
    Get well fast, Wil. Much love. x

  10. Wil I am so so sorry, I know it’s hard, and it sucks. But ya got kids. They need you more then the folks at Penguicon. I found out that not only did I have EB, but MS. My life has limitations, but I am ok with it.. Hugs.. — Colette Tuteur on Twitter.

  11. Uh oh. Hope you’re feeling better soon. And it’s best if you don’t go spreading any nasty infections around. Got enough of that going on already. 🙂

  12. I would make the “thousand con-goers suddenly cried out…” reference, but you already made one less than a week ago, so… get well!

  14. While I would have been totally bummed if you were not at a conference that I was going to, I pretty much always feel that way. Come to Denver!
    Beyond that, this is a very sweet apology and only the jerks (and maybe a few hardcore fans) are really going to give you shit. Hopefully.

  15. Bad joking about Swine flu aside, just get some rest, get yourself well and don’t beat yourself up about it, OK? I’ll send out some super-extra-strength Monkey Mojo your way. Feel better soon, and I repeat, do not beat yourself up about it! It happens to the best of us, it’s a fact of life, and any reasonable human being can truly understand that sometimes these kinds of things are unavoidable.
    Don’t make me break my teacher voice out on you, young man!

  16. That’s one of the most evocative descriptions of a sore throat I’ve ever read. I can feel the pain from here. (At least it’s just an angry badger, not an angry wolverine with pointy metal claws.) Take care of yourself and kick this thing soon.

  18. Ok. Even though Brendan is one of my best friends, and I’m sure he’s broken hearted, and therefore I should be totally hating on you, I will sullenly forgive.
    Just don’t do it again!
    Good luck with the creeping crud. It sucketh yea verily.

  19. Hey Wil,
    I am wondering how you did with the World Series of Poker?
    Doesn’t that drag on for days and days.
    Did you have a good experience or did the long hours make you sick as well?

  20. Are you guys using Firefox? I’m asking b/c ever since that effing update the other day, my browser has been acting like George W. did for eight years in the White House. Freezing up, crashing, odd widget errors, to name a few examples. If I’m forced to use IE I might seriously consider throwing my monitor out the window.

  22. Hey wil, Dont worry about it, I could never hate you, its not your fault you got sick, So i totally understand. and there will be way more penguicon’s to come!!! I hope you get lots of rest! Get Well Soon! 😀

  23. Dear Wil,
    De-lurking to let you know that I, too, was unable to make it to Penguicon this weekend due to family commitments. I now feel less disappointed. 🙂 I hope you feel better soon.
    Best,
    Turtle
    PS I would be remiss if I neglected to tell you that the reason I was going to go is because my partner is one of the actors in Thac0: The Movie, which is screening there, or that you should really take a look at the movie. And possibly share it with your sons, if the juvenile dirty humor isn’t a bit too old for them.

  24. yes, there’s a reason you’re a writer;-)
    Every time I get on a plane, I get sick from the re-circulated air (and I am a pretty healthy chick). Seeing that my ‘puter is posted in Canada, it is highly improbable I was going to Penguicon anyway but… I thank you for everyone else that would have been on the plane!
    Also, I am sure that ultimately your family and fans (that pesky white noise you hear roaring in the background all day, every day;-))would rather you continue on to fight another day rather than perish from Barking Badger Flu…
    I find it amazing how guilt and consequence-free it is too yak off at someone over the web. High atop a lonely hill is a zen yogi shaking his head sadly at all the hurtful words floating around…
    get better Wil, recuperate at home where we all want to be when we’re sick 🙂

  25. I pray to God that you don’t have the swine flu.. and please Wil, don’t beat yourself up about it. It will make it all 10 times worse.. I was supposed to go but it didn’t happen this time and I’m actually glad I didn’t because if I had gone and you weren’t there I would have balled. I’m sure all of the people that went there to see you understand, and the ones that don’t understand are douche bags and don’t deserve to stand in your presence… please please please just relax the next few days, even if that means you gotta stay off of the internet for a few days. I made this video last night for me and my friend on Youtube who is as ubsessed (I think) with Brian Krause as I am with you. Of course, you worked with him in 2 of my all-time favorite movies, The Liars Club and of course December lol. AND you worked with him in a Tales From The Crypt episode! I recall you were in your underwear! lol I’m just playin.. you really were in your underwear though. Here’s the URL

    Maybe this will make you feel better 🙂 And if it doesn’t.. this video definately will. I didn’t make it though haha.. Here’s the URL to that one

    Well really Wil PLEASE start feeling better and take your medicine and get some rest and DONT beat yourself up. You always try to please everybody else, but your a regular human being that needs to take care of himself sometimes too. I’ll send good vibes your way. xoxo

  26. Ah, man. That sucks. However, you did the right thing – get well soon! (And I am STILL happy I rode the bus down to see you last week – it was totally the somewhat unexpected highlight of my first ever trip to L.A.).

  27. I am at Penguicon and though I am sad I won’t get to see you be awesome, I’d rather you were home getting better, because you sound miserable and that makes me much sadder.
    At one of Jeff DeLuzio’s panels he had a Wesley action figure so you’re sorts here 🙂
    Feel better soon and don’t beat yourself up. If anyone doesn’t understand and is hateful, they don’t deserve your mental energy.

  28. are people seriously giving you shit about bailing? I mean, granted… not the first time you’ve canceled, but still. not cool, interbutts.
    HEY, I know you be Big Important Celebrity and all (har har) but can you actually respond to this? because my fangirl curiosity is eating away at me like aporkalypse–>mexico.
    I live in the detwat area and was planning on going to the con specifically to see you, so I could do the following:
    1.)get a pic with you (to make like 5 of my girlfriends jealous as balls, heh)
    2.)ask you to sign one of my boobicles (SFW, don’t worry… unless you requested otherwise ;D) and
    3.)see if you would tweet ‘I <3 @geekbrat’ (or something similar) because OMGHOWOSSUM.
    QUESTION BEING: would you have done all that? [I promise I’m not the least bit creepy OR scary, and I’m actually kind of cute. you wouldn’t be able to tell how cool and smart I was though, because of the whole nervous-puking-on-your-shoes bit.]

  29. Sorry you don’t feel well. Get better soon, & by the way to finish the lyric:
    If I don’t stop, I might drown
    Falling down, down, down, down, not dead yet
    covered with
    Sweat !
    Oingo Boingo fan for life,
    T.J.

  30. You tell your browser you want to go to Afghanistan.com and it insists on going to Iraq.com?

  31. 1) Yes.
    2) Yes.
    3) No. It establishes a precedent that I think I’d regret.
    Note that I do not regret the precedent established which would allow 2) to happen.
    4) Go Wings.

  32. I didn’t think anyone who didn’t grow up in LA would get the Boingo reference. I’m glad you did!

  33. Hey Wil,
    I’m at Penguicon right now in the computer lab. Hope you feel better soon and maybe we will see you next year. 😉

  35. yeah, I figured 3 was a stretch, for just that reason. good to know
    you’re not opposed to the boob signing, though. consider it a rain
    check if you ever DO make it to penguicon 😉 thanks for responding! <4

  36. Hi, Wil –
    Native Detroiter here; long time fan girl of your work from movies to your entertaining blogs, books, a podcast or two and hey, who knows what else the future might bring?!!
    Just arrived home from the con for the night – you were missed, your name was bandied about in a good way …Andrew, true friend that he is to you, read the letter above with as much animation as you would have healthy – kudos to you for taking the time to write it for all of us Con attendees.
    Cherie – a long time friend – seems to have taken root in the sports bar; along with a number of the other famous and infamous literati – I know that you were missed there too!
    I had brought a couple of your books for you to sign, that can wait until next year – that is if you are planning to come next year 🙂
    Get some good sleep, drink a ton of fluids and feel better soon!
    ~ S. (aka Alliiya, aka Year of Rabbit)

  37. Lordy, surely you must be delirious to even fathom signing a young woman’s breast(s). You just knocked your great husband score down 15 points. J/K I’m not gonna get all judgmental on you, since you’re sick and all.
    Which reminds me…shouldn’t you be resting? Come on, let’s face facts here. With an angry badger currently lodged in and biting the everloving shit out of your throat, I’m pretty sure that my teacher voice will totally win out against your dad voice.
    You do *not* want to make me use my teacher voice.

  38. Uhhh…no, I was kind of politely dancing around the issue of him possibly being mentally challenged, or as we in the teaching profession would say, “special needs.” I’m not going to say the “R” word. It would finish my career for good.
    Glad to see that the badger hasn’t devoured your sense of humor, though!

  39. Calling George W. Bush “retarded” is an epic insult to people who actually have special needs.

  40. Well, when you put it that way, I honestly can’t say I could argue against that logic. You’re still not going to get me to use the “R” word, though. It’s a serious no-no in my profession.

  43. Wil, I’ve traveled sick for my day job, and nobody came out ahead. I’m truly sorry you didn’t make it. Maybe next year? One of these days, we’re going to get you to the con where the TRON costume made its debut…
    How much is Andrew subbing for you? Is he doing panels, signing autographs, and generally being an awesome d00d? Will you see him afterwards for an in-person report?

  44. Heck if you would have said “hi” to me I would have screamed and then got tears in my eyes, then, possibly, fell on the ground then an ambulance would have came, then.. heck who knows what would have happened. Maybe it’s better that I don’t meet you.. wait, NO. I don’t care if that happens, it’s all worth it. Espically if you would do the “live long and prosper” sign with me.. or I could possibly bring you a pair of The Blues Brothers glasses then we could take a picture lookin like bad asses. Yeah, there we go.

  45. Well, first, wishing you a speedy recovery!
    Long-time lurker here… I have a question about the Epstein-Barr you had. I ask because I had a very bad virus, which they thought might be Epstein-Barr ten years ago, but they weren’t able to diagnose it. It resembled it though. And ever since then, my health hasn’t been worth shit, and I’m wondering if you knew the variant name of the Epstein-Barr you had, so I could go ask my doctors about it and do research, etc.
    Thanks much! (Feel free to e-mail me, if you’d prefer to discuss this in private.. I think Typepad gives you access to my e-mail as the owner of the blog?)
    ETA: And that totally turned out really messed up, but I’m Jenny Rappaport, and my e-mail is jenny AT rappaportagency DOT com. =)

  47. Hmmm…are the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome similar to EBV? Because about 15 years ago, one doctor that I went to told me that I had mononucleosis related EBV, and then a couple of years later I was told by a different doctor that I had CFS. I gotta tell you, working around germy little kids did not help my situation at all.
    When I get sick, I get really, really sick. 103/104 fever, achy all over, mucous secretion, can’t get out of bed sick. And I’ve done the whole supplement thing and it still knocks me on my ass. This past winter alone I had some form of cold or flu like symptoms on four seperate occasions, and I’m laid off right now, so I have no freaking idea why I keep getting sick.
    When I got back from FL, I was sick for 10 days. I swear I picked it up from a video poker machine at the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa. Some sick person sneezed all over the damn thing and transferred their sickness onto me. Now I’m scared to death of this Swine Flu…if I sprout a curly tail I guess I’ll know if I have it or something. Either that or I’ll be dead.
    Wil, I feel for you, man. I know it’s not fun. At all. Hoping the extra-strength Monkey Mojo helps your case. Maybe the Monkey will kill the badger for you.

  48. Awwww. I was looking forward to you being here, but I totally understand. Hopefully another time!!! Feel better.
    Oh, and the frogurt also contains potassium benzoate. Das bad. BEWARE!
    Sad but understanding,
    Crystal

  49. That apology was not expected or required, but it is incredibly well thought out and eloquent, and very much appreciated. Very classy, Wil.
    I’m just 9.9 miles from Romulus and I was bummed. I was all prepared – I was gonna bring my Dancing Barefoot that I took to Stratford and New Orleans and NYC and Turks & Caicos (and soon… London!) and I was gonna make husband go- he grew up doing the same things you did. Bought him the ‘how we roll’ tee, and was gonna have him get his original D&D book signed.
    Reasons?
    So we don’t stand there at your table staring at you in our heads going (OMGOMGOMGOMG Don’t freak out, it’s really Wil!!) and with the tee, and thrusting these items toward your waiting pen.. there must be something to talk about and not suffer awkward silence!
    PS. GO Wings. Nobody does hockey like us freaks.
    Also, your illness sounds like it really sucks. Really. I’m sorry.
    And hopefully someday I’ll have a chance to get Dancing Barefoot signed. Thanks Wil.
    -melissa (mimi)

  50. DUDE that blows big huge blue hairy monkey balls. Missing both the con and STAR TREK. I really hope you have a speedy recovery. Will be sending you many healing thoughts.

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