I once had a terrible case of the flu. In addition to the body aches and chills and stuff, I was puking my brains out all over the place all the time. The worst part of it was that it would happen with no warning; one second I was fine, and then I'd suddenly feel my stomach turn, and I'd be throwing up whatever was left in my stomach from the last time. I couldn't control it at all, and after about 12 hours of it, my neck and throat just ached like they'd been kicked by a mule wearing 1930s baseball spikes.
For the last 24 hours, I've experienced the same thing, but instead of throwing up, I'm hit by these unexpected waves of incredibly powerful grief that seem to start in my stomach and explode into heartbreaking sobs in a matter of seconds. My whole body aches, but my throat, neck, and shoulders are especially sore and tired. I know I slept last night, but I don't feel like I got a whole lot of actual rest.
This morning, I made it about 5 minutes before the first wave of sorrow hit me, but at least I knew what set it off: automatically looking for Ferris on her little doggie cot in the living room, where she'd greet me every morning, wagging just the tip of her tail, until I came over to pet her. Since then, it's been less like I'm crying every five minutes and more like there are these occasional breaks when I'm not. Maybe my body needs time to make and store new tears, I don't know.
I went to the comic shop to get my mind off of things. I haven't been in almost a year because I've been so busy, but figured I'd pick up some trades and recent issues of my friends' books, so I would have something to do. Besides, going to the comic shop always makes me happy.
I picked up a lot of books, and decided to give Green Lantern, which was one of my favorite titles in the 80s, a look. My comic guy recommended this one particular trade as an entry point, so I added it to the pile. When I went next door for some falafel at Zankou, I opened it up while I waited for my order to come up. In the first panel, Hal Jordan is talking to someone named Ferris. I felt the sob rise in my chest, but I caught it in my throat and managed to keep it down with some deep breaths until I got into the car a little bit later.
It's been an extraordinarily difficult day. Our other dog, Riley, who we got as a companion for Ferris when Ferris was 2, has realized that something is very wrong in the house, and keeps looking for Ferris. All day today she's never strayed very far from my side, and though I'm aware that I may be projecting and anthropomorphizing, it sure does seem like she has sadness in her eyes.
Anyway, I wanted to take a moment and say thank you to everyone who has offered condolences for our loss. Ferris was our dog, but she was as much a part of our family as any human, and loved us unconditionally. There is a gigantic open wound in my heart and a vast empty space in my house that feels like it's never going to heal (even though I know it eventually will.) I've always felt like telling someone "I'm sorry for your loss" wasn't ever enough, but being on this side of it, I can tell you that it's more comforting than I ever expected.
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Wil, cry all you want. Don’t hold it in. That beautiful dog obviously had a truly wonderful soul that was meant to find you. If every post for the next year is about her and how she is missed, I think your readers will understand.
Wil,
I just watched The Guild and was coming up here to congratulate you and was all smiles when I saw your post from yesterday. Dude, I’m so sorry about your loss. I think what is important is to remember all the good times with her. Let it bring a smile to your face. I know I am probably another of a 1000 cliched responses, but along with all of them, my family, myself, and my dog, we extend our condolences. I’ll save The Guild for another day.
Best Wishes,
-Wookie
Wil,
I don’t think you are anthropomorphizing. Riley senses your mood, but also misses her friend. Dogs will go through a mourning period of their own when they lose a companion, whether canine or human. I see it all the time in my practice when a family loses one of their pets, when a family member is hospitalized or placed in a care facility, or when they go on vacation and have to leave the pets behind. It can last for days to weeks, sometimes longer.
Again, I’m very sorry for your loss. It is always hard when it happens to me too. Just remember and be thankful for all of the good times that you had with Ferris and give Riley a big hug.
P.S. – I’m not too fond of the rainbow bridge poem either.
I’m so sorry, Wil. I already said that, but I’m saying it again. I know what that “throwing up grief” thing feels like and there is nothing worse. Hang in there, hug your family and Riley lots and lots, and keep going. We’ll all be thinking about you out here.
Hi Wil,
I don’t check your blog everyday, but I do try to catch up a couple times per week.
I just read this post and the one preceding it. I know you must be getting comments from many people offering sympathy but I wanted to add my voice to theirs. Hopefully, together our voices will make a choir that will help you, in some small way, through this sad event in your life.
As a life-long dog owner/lover, I know the pain and sadness you are going through and I wish you well.
Riley DOES sense your sadness. Dogs are very sensitive to that. And I’m sure she misses Ferris too.
Just sit down next to her and give her a big hug. You’ll both feel a bit better for it.
– Mike Sperry
Wil,
I want to hug you right now. Not in a creepy “i’m a stalker” kind of way, but in a “I have nothing else to offer in your time of loss but a hug” kind of way.
I can completely relate to your loss and your feelings of grief and I hope that knowing you aren’t alone brings you some tiny bit of comfort.
Hang in there.
oh and i’m with you…that poem quite honestly freaks me out.
It’s good to know that there are owners out there that love their pets as much as they deserve to be loved. It’s hard to look at the positive aspects but from the outside it’s a lot easier. I see a dog that was very lucky to be with owners that appreciated and loved him so much. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry. My family lost our dog, Riley, back in May, and I think my feelings then were exactly as you just wrote. The pain is still there every once in a while, but things do get better, albeit slowly. Condolences to you and your family.
Yikes. So sorry to hear that, Wil. Losing a pet is awful.
And for what it’s worth, you’re not projecting. Riley knows something is wrong, even if she doesn’t know quite what. Give her some comfort too.
so sorry for your loss.condolences to you and your family
I cried reading your post yesterday so I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. Cry all you want. She was a member of your family and you have to go through all those emotions to move on. I lost my dog three years ago and I still cry when I think about her, like right now. It gets easier but it never seems to go away completely.
I’ve been there, had the sudden boughts of tears, that empty feeling in my stomach, the loss of a very close friend. If I were there I would simply walk up to you and give you a big, long hug and a should to let it out on. Then go buy you a beer where would toast our friends gone.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Dogs are precious friends, and it feels like being kicked when they pass away. My little dog was a huge comfort to me through many trials and when he passed away (at age 19), everything felt so empty. Know that you have many friends (even if some of us are only electronic) who wish you the best. Take care and God bless.
Wil, I’m truly sorry for your loss. I’ve been through the death of a beloved dog, and it’s just awful. Many people don’t understand how profoundly painful it can be, thinking it shouldn’t affect someone as much as losing a human, but I felt the loss of my dog, Fred, every bit as intensely as family members I’ve lost. A dog is a constant presence in a house and a true part of the family, and when he or she is gone, it feels dreadful. I still miss Fred, and he died 6 or 7 years ago now. I wish you and your family the very best.
Wil, I have been reading wwdn since 2001 and this is my first comment. There is one Australian shepherd under my desk right now and the other one is keeping an eye on me from the living room, so I can only imagine being in your shoes right now and how hard it is. I had always hoped I would run in to you and your totally awesome dog in Runyon Canyon but it never happened.
My best to you, Anne, and the Boys.
I’m so sorry about Ferris. I do believe animals grieve – when I lost my cat Curvitash my other cat, Dion (who’ll be 20 in October!) started taking on behaviours that Curvie had displayed, even though they’d never been very close (rivals for mum’s attention, you know). Your Riley will definitely be feeling the loss. My best wishes to you and your family. (And it’s nice to see so many dogs called Riley! It’s like they are all my minions – a little Riley army! :))
Aw, this just happened to my husband, and when I told him Sadie had to be put down suddenly during the heat wave, it was like I told him his sister died – Sadie was with the family for 16 years. It sucks, and I don’t know if there’s anything that can be said to cheer anyone up after losing a pet, because it really is like losing a friend. But you can take some comfort in knowing that the Interwebs just uttered a collective aw and thought a happy thought just for you.
Condolences. It hurts to lose a loved one, whatever the species, and there’s not much else one can say to you other than how sorry we are for your loss.
Hi Wil. I am so sorry to hear about your family loss. Your last 2 blogs just show how much you love Ferris and its also gives a small insight into how lucky that pup was to have you guys come by and give her an amazing quality of life. I’m happy to see you’re reminiscing on the good times as well as allowing yourself to grieve.
There is no way anything can be said or done to undo what has happened or to even begin to replace her so do not feel bad for….feeling bad!
Just remember you were amazing to that dog while she was alive which is all that matters. You should have no regrets because you did everything possible to give her an amazing loving home.
I’m happy in the knowledge that you have an incredible family to huddle around you and I’m pretty sure youre not shy of a few friends too mate 🙂
It never gets easier does it?
All the very best,
Markus.
Cry. I am crying and its not even my dog, but I understand loss and the pain we go through when we loss a member of the family.
Cry. Cry for the happy memories. Cry for the huge sense of loss. Cry because there is nothing else you can do. Cry for all the blessings and joy Ferris gave you, Anne and the boys. Cry because you are human and even so you can rationalize that at least she went quickly and in your arms, it still is a horrible loss. Cry because you love her and she will be missed by all.
My biggest sympathies. I would offer a hug but I don’t want to come off as some creepy internet person wanting to give a fellow human in pain a hug. Screw that, e-hugs to you and your family.
Sigh.
My boss just walked in and asked why I was crying. Even though I don’t know you, I told her my friend’s dog died. And having never met Ferris, I know she and I would have been friends, given the opportunity. I certainly feel as if I knew her, through your posts.
Hang in there,
jkm
I’m so sorry about your loss. I lost both my cats (almost aged 17) over 4 years ago and I still cry. Riley will need your hugs to help her adjust as well. She does know her best friend is missing, you are not imagining it.
Wil, you’re not anthropomorphizing. It just so happens that animals have the same emotions that people do; they just can’t express them in the same ways, lacking the correct anatomy to do so. Riley feels the same pain that the rest of you are feeling, and as others here have said (and as I’m sure you’ve already done) hugging her will do you both a lot of good. I think you seeing Ferris’ name in that comic was her way of saying “I’m still with you.” I honestly do.
I still cry over my canine sister Sandy, & she died 19 years ago. I mean, not every day – it does get easier as time goes on – but I do still cry. Animals are our family members… I’m rambling. Sorry. (((hugs)))
-Alicia
These posts put a lump in my thoat. So hearbreaking, and heartfelt. It’s obvious you loved that dog, and she was so lucky to have you. Losing a pet is so terribly awful, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I lost my dog yesterday too, so I definitely can understand the pain. My Ranger was 17 years old, and was in renal failure. I cried the entire way to work this morning, and had to run to hide in the bathroom and cry a time or two through the day. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t have a dog greeting me when I get home, or needing to be fed treats or be let outside.
Like you said, it’s hard to believe the tears will stop, even though you know deep down they will. You definitely have my condolences and sympathy.
Wil..
Wow. Losing a pet is so rough. I remember when I lost my dog to cancer and how I couldn’t stop crying for days. It freaked my wife out a little, who also couldn’t stop crying, but had never seen me like that.
Grieve for your friend. You have my sympathies and condolences..
Whenever people I know are going through this sort of thing, I never really feel like I know what to say or do, and I end up saying something like “Wow, that really sucks, I’m sorry for your loss” or something, and it never feels adequate. It’s the same now. I told you on Twitter yesterday that I was sorry and that you are in my thoughts, and that is still true, although it still feels inadequate. My recommendation would be to have some sort of ceremony to honor Ferris and her life. It can be simple or elaborate, short or long, whatever you (and Anne and the kids) need to help you cope. There’s a reason we have funerals, and pets are absolutely as much a part of the family as humans. Doing something like this won’t make the pain go away. But it will give you a chance to really get into your grief and explore it and accept it for what it is, and eventually move past it, while mixing moments of happiness and fond memories in with it.
In any case, I still feel like this is inadequate, but I did want to express my condolences and let you know that you, Anne, the boys, and Riley will continue to be in my thoughts and I will continue to send you all warm, healing energy for some time.
wow, i didn’t say anything before for just that reason, i didn’t think a simple “I’m so sorry, Wil” would make any difference. so let me do that now and hope it is not too late and it might still offer some condolences :
I am so so sorry, Wil. I know Ferris meant a lot to you and your family. You will all be in my thoughts.
I am so sorry for the loss of Ferris. Not sure anything I could say could make it easier but know that by you sharing your loss, makes me want to hug my dog closely and tell him I love him.
Wil,
Just saw these posts by you. My condolences on your loss. Through my recent marriage, I became father to my bride’s cat, and I know now the joy of having a constant companion. So I can just start to comprehend how much Farris meant to you.
I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss.
-Phil
The sadness will always be apart of your life, because Ferris was so much a part of your life, but it will become easier. We lost our family cat of 21 years aout 10 years ago, and I still feel sadness when I think of him, but it doesn’t take control over me anymore. I think that because you feel so much right now, it’s a testament to how wonderful it was to have had a dog-friend named Ferris, and I want to also thank you for sharing all the animal companion stories you have.
Wil, I lost my best friend two years ago. We grew up together from the womb, and we did everything together (good and bad). When he died, a piece of my soul died. I cried uncontrollably, and I was completely inconsolable. To this day, I can’t think about him or visit his grave without sobbing a bit… quite a bit, actually.
So, I know how you feel… Ferris must’ve been a special person (and I say person, because the best dogs are better than most people), and the only thing I can say in an offering of condolence is that your life is better for having had her in it. It doesn’t stop the pain and tears, but, eventually, it’ll give you the strength to carry on.
I know I don’t know you in person, but I feel I know you personally. So, I can say this, and I hope it makes you feel better: Wil, I love you, bro. “JK LIVIN”, like good ol’ Wooderson would say.
One of my cats died yesterday. Every time I think maybe I’m all right, I suddenly break down again. My other cat let me hold her and cry into her fur for a good long time earlier, and this is a cat that hates being held. She knew something was very wrong.
Reading your post and the comments here made me feel a little better, reminded me that I’m not alone. I’ve been telling people that a family member died, but I’ve been hesitant to specify it was my cat. It’s good to see so many people get it — they’re not just pets. They really are family members, and losing them is just as hard.
I’m sorry, Wil. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.
Wil,
We lost our dog unexpectedly about a year back. I remember it hit me a lot harder than I thought it would, and our other dog spent weeks staying extra close to her people. They know, and I don’t think it’s anthropomorphizing at all.
I’m very sorry for your family’s loss.
Don’t try to hold it in. =( It never works. Crying is its own therapy.
And Ferris was lucky that she had a family that loved and cherished her.
Thoughts! And good luck.
My wife and I have two dogs. Both are happy, but one is not completely healthy. I don’t know when our time of grief will arrive, I just know it will. Thanks for your posts and thanks for your blog. I truly believe our pets live on through the other animals we own and care for.
Wil
Sorry for your loss. A few months ago I had to put to sleep my lab Scotty who I had for 14 years from a pup. I believe it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I was blessed for the love and devotion Scotty gave me. Thank you for your writings and your blog. They help me get through my difficult days.
Ed
Pets are far more perceptive than we humans often give them credit for. They know exactly how to comfort us in our time of need.
As owner of (practically) a zoo, I have lost too many pets to count on two hands, but I can remember each and every one of them by name.
The grief never really goes away, but the love and joy that comes from our other pets helps to deal with the pain.
I just hope you don’t have to go through this again any time soon.
Good luck.
I fear repeating what so many others have written before me. Telling by how many have posted their feelings here, you have so many great people who feel for you right now.
It may sound silly but just breathe when you get overwhelmed. Make sure to take care of yourself.
My condolences
Tina
“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” – Dr.Seuss.
Wil,
I am so sorry to hear that ferris died 🙁 I have had to endure pet deaths in my life and it is not easy. I agree with you that they are more than just pets they are family.
My thoughts are with you and your family
I had a cat called Zoe, since I was two years old (I’m 18 now), and she passed away in June. Even though she was old and sickly, it was still such a shocking and horrifying loss. I know how you are feeling. The one piece of advice I have is don’t start telling yourself to stop feeling upset – let your grief run its course. Although I’m not sure if the sadness ever completely goes away, eventually when you think of Ferris, you will not think of the day she died, but of all the days she lived before.
Hey Wil, It’s ok to cry, Ferris was a part of your family. Many years ago my cat died of heart failure too. I was a wreck the next day, luckily i had a awesome boss who understood my grief and gave me a condolence card and half a day off. Take comfort in the knowledge that others out there understand how you feel. I can only offer my condolences and a virtual {{hug}} to you and your family.
It’s funny how something so simple as “I’m thinking about you and your loss” can help, no matter how inadequate it may seem to the speaker. We lost our cat 2 years, 11 months, and 30 days ago. I still cry. Animals can touch our souls as much as people can. Hang in there. I am thinking about you and yours.
I’m so sorry about Ferris. 🙁 Losing a pet is like losing a family member.
I doubt you’re anthropomorphizing Riley; animals can understand death — humans didn’t invent it, it’s always been a part of their world too. And animals do grieve. My condolences to all of you.
Having comforted my best friend through the loss of her pet last month, I can appreciate how you feel, and how the grief is crushing for the first few days/week. I’m glad Ferris had you for family, she and you were lucky to have each other. It’s never easy to lose a loved one, be they person or animal. *hugs*
My family lost our little schnauzer, Mr. Peabody, just before Thanksgiving in 2006, and I remember how much it ached. It’s been almost three years and I still check before opening the doors to make sure my little fuzzbutt is not trying to make a break for it. But now I smile at the memory, even though I never would have expected I’d get here.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss, and I hope that the memories you share of Ferris will be a comfort to you.
Cry all you want, reassure Riley ‘cuz she will grieve with you and sometimes sensitive dogs will take grief so seriously, they’ll make themselves sick.
Do you go to the LaCanada Flintridge Animal Hospital? I used to take my cat there when I lived in Glendale. They’re the best.
Your flu comparison is spot on; the aches and the heartache are so hard to ride out. But someday another dog or puppy will find you, just as Ferris did and I believe it will be Ferris who sends them to you!
Thinking of you,
Pam
Reading this reminded me of when my first dog died. I wept a little for both of us. As always, thanks Wil, for the gift that you give us all in sharing the person that you are.
Here’s to loving so much that you smile through the tears, remembering the good times.
Peace.