in which wil feels homesick

One of the themes of my PAX keynote was Welcome Home, which everyone who had been to a PAX before could understand. For the first timers, though, I wanted to help them understand exactly why it is we say that, so I said:

All of the things that make us weird and strange in the real world? Those things that people tease us for loving, those things that we seem to care about more than everyone else at work or school? Those things make us who we are, and when we’re at PAX, we don’t have to hide them or explain them or justify them to anyone; instead, we celebrate and share them.

We have come here this weekend, and we will go to PAX Prime in Seattle in August, and we will be back here in a year, and back there next year, and the year after, and the year after that, because just playing games isn’t nearly as fun as playing them – together – surrounded by thousands of people who love them as much as you do. The next 72 hours are going to go by faster than you realize, so make sure you stop and look around a few times every day and appreciate this time. It will be over before you know it. 

I'm glad I took my own advice, because the weekend flew by and was over before I knew it. I'm truly grateful that I carved out some time for myself, and spent nearly all of it playing in the classic arcade and classic console rooms. I even played 4-player Warlords on Atari for the first time ever (2-player being the best we could do in the 80s, since nobody I knew had 4 paddle controllers – well, two controllers, since … aw, forget it. If you know what I mean, I don't have to explain it to you and if you don't, it's not that important.) and made it farther in Dragon's Lair than I think I ever did when I was a kid.

I was completely exhausted by the end of the day on Sunday – but not sick! HA! HA! I WIN AT NOT GETTING SICK AT PAX! – and as I sat on my bed in the hotel, zoning out at something stupid on television while my HP and Manna bars slowly climbed out of the red, I began to feel a familiar sense of ennui. I feel this way every time a PAX is over: a sense of sadness and loss that I've never really been able to identify more eloquently than "post-PAX blues." A fellow PAX attendee e-mailed me this morning, though, and summed up the feeling in one word: Homesickness. I'm home, yet I feel homesick. I know that may sound weird, but it perfectly sums up how I feel today.

I spent a lot of this weekend feeling grateful, and that feeling continues today: I'm grateful for my friendly local game shop, I'm grateful for my game group, and I'm especially grateful that I only have to wait about 3700 hours for PAX Prime, instead of the usual 8760. 

Uh, not that I'm counting down, or anything. (Except that I am.)

68 thoughts on “in which wil feels homesick”

  1. I know how you feel! I get like that after every con. Exhausted, drained, but soooo happy to have gotten to geek out with my friends from around the country.
    BTW, it was great meeting you at PAX! Timmy the ThinkGeek monkey is still very excited about his “Wil tattoo” and is showing it off to everyone. 🙂

  3. Yeah, I call it Post-Con Depression. Happens all the time. The weird part is, I’m not really all that much of a geek, and I sometimes feel out of place at conventions, but all the same, once its over I feel depressed that I have to wait another 6+ months for the next convention.

  4. Might not be the right place to ask, but is there going to be, or is there already, an official good quality audio of your keynote? The 2007 one really inspired me to embrance my geek (tee hee) rather than keep it in the closet.

  5. Post-PAX blues sucks! It took me months to get over it after Prime last year. EAST sucked because my family was home and I was here without them. I tweeted about it a few times and almost had to turn of Twitter because the majority of my friends were home without me. Prime is up in the air at the moment and if I cannot make it, Twitter will certainly be off during those days. PAX truly is a magical place like none other. I am happy to see that PAX East was such a huge success even so I am not happy that I was unable to make it.
    A bit of an aside, your BLOG! BLOG! BLOGBLOGBLOG! tweet made me smile as I just recently titled a personal blog something similar (Blarghity Blargh Blargh Blog).

  6. My PAX is Marquette MI. My cure for the post PAX blues is facebook.
    For the rest of the time that I don’t feel “normal” in my part of the Venn there is WWdN.
    Thanks Wil

  7. I need a word to describe how I feel not being able to attend these wonderful events. I should stop reading all the tweets and postings then maybe it would bother me less. I’m totally left out. I’m glad PAX is good for so many people.

  9. I couldn’t say it any better myself. Sunday morning came along and I really didn’t want the day to end. I left shortly after Storm and really wished that I could have just stayed there and not had to have caught my flight.
    This being my first ever PAX, I am grateful for everything that I experienced and did this last weekend. I had been holding back my tears throughout the convention, but yesterday I got home, pulled out my JoCo and Paul and Storm thumb drives and cried soo hard.
    I am beyond grateful for this past weekend and what happened (I also have you to thank for that as well). I feel completely homesick but am glad that I do not have to wait that long for the next one.
    Here come the waterworks again.

  12. Sharing this amazing weekend with so many different people of the same or similar ilk as me was incredible. From RPG geeks to video game geeks, board game players, craft geeks, sci-fi geeks.. Everything in between. Than, to get to cap it off by getting to meet you and tell you the story about my Dad made for a memorable event. Thanks for signing ALL my books! All 165 of them.
    Sunday’s Kindle Girl.

  13. I have thought of you as the gatekeeper to much of teh awesomeness I’ve seen on the Web since I started reading back in the days of monkeys with typewriters.
    I’m watching your keynote off youtube right now (up to the LOTR/DragonAge segment). I’m not a hardcore geek or gamer, more of a fringe geek, and I have to say, while your stories clearly strike a chord with PAX, your storytelling makes you a Rosetta Stone for Geek to Non-Geek. Your stories connect with people across the spectrum.
    Bravo!

  16. You're not the first person to make that comparison.
    I think it's pretty awesome, because there are few things in the world that appeal to me less than going to Burning Man … but knowing that there are people who love it the way I love PAX makes me incredibly happy. No matter how weird we are or why, there is a place for us to go home.
    I wish I'd realized this twenty years ago.

  17. What I’ve heard of your keynote, and your post-PAX musings are hauntingly familiar from my own thoughts after last year’s PAX. PAX is an amazing experience, and I’m glad that more and more people are realizing how lucky they really are to be surrounded by fellow gamers. PAX is home, because home is comfortable, and familiar, and where your friends and memories are.
    I can’t wait for PAX Prime in August, though we have w00tfest to geek out to in the mean time.
    A few familiar sounding tweets from last year’s PAX: (my twitter is @nxtplato)
    # post #pax malaise setting in. laundry sucks. would it be crazy to drive 5,000+ miles to PAX east? Or crazy NOT to? 3:04 PM Sep 7th, 2009 via web
    #
    #PAX + @wilw = home. 4:07 PM Sep 6th, 2009 via Echofon

  18. Wish PAX would have been around back when I was going to Burning Man looking for other geeks. Unfortunately, most of the so-called geeks there were the pervy types or dot-com-where-do-I-plug-in-my-Blackberry types, at least 10 years ago. Will likely never go back, but it’s good to know there’s some place for like-minded geeks to get together and feel accepted.

  19. Hi Wil!
    I didn’t make it to PAX East this year and I’m kicking myself, but I got to live vicariously through the tweets of my friends and yourself. I also got to see your awesome keynote speech and felt that same sense of pride in my hobbies, in my /being/ as a geek who has to take time off grinding loot in Borderlands to get his D&D game ready for Wednesday.
    I’m definitely going to be there next year.
    Thank you again for being our spokesman.
    Mike Shea

  21. I’m assuming you wrote Manna (the bread from heaven the Hebrews ate in the wilderness) as opposed to Mana (spellpoints) because you’re still recuperating from what sounded like an awesome weekend. Either that or it’s a subtle way to celebrate Passover.

  22. Because the days decided to be total dicks and only have 24 hours in them. Because *that* wasn't enough, my stupid body was all, "Hey! You need to sleep or I'm going to *really* hurt you!"
    It's on my list to try out, though, and I understand that I'll get to do that very soon.

  24. @Stepto expressed it as the feeling he would get when he would have to leave summer camp, you (and the person who emailed you) have said it’s homesickness … both are spot on.
    This was my first PAX, and I’m amazed at how much I miss something I never even knew I needed in my life! I crave the community and camaraderie that I felt sitting on the floor in the queue room playing Wizards, singing songs with other geeks in line, or battling it out in the classic arcade room. As a girl gamer/geek, I’ve often felt “outside” of the norm, even within geek culture. At PAX, it was as though I finally felt comfortable in my own skin and could just be … me, ironic t-shirts, love of FPSs and all.
    Wil, you said you spent a lot of the weekend grateful and I just want you to know that I did, too, for SO MANY things — and you loom large on that list. I was lucky to have a chance to thank you in person for telling our stories, for helping us find a voice when we lacked one. We love you, as a culture, because you are us: just a guy, just a geek, smart, quirky, funny, genuine, and in love with games and all they bring to us and allow us to bring to them. You were a big part of making my first PAX really, really special. Thanks.
    OK, [/slime]. And I promise, first Guiness is on me next time we both make back “home.” 🙂

  25. I have to commend you on this note. Despite the days having only 24 hours, it seemed like you spent an incredible number of them in Bandlands signing autographs and selling merch. I can’t imagine that you HAVE to spend that much time there, so it says good things about you that you do.

  26. I wish I lived in the USA, however I do know the feeling. Been to two 3 day music festivals in the Netherlands, Pinkpop and Lowlands. Now the first is about the music, the second I could not care less about the music. It is the feeling of freedom, being where you belong, being at home, not a care in the world. Being back in time, a kid with no responsibilities then just to have as much fun as you possibly can doing whatever you love most.
    Then you come “home” and you are older again with everyday stuff. I was about to write it was sad life could not be like that all the time. But I guess it is the rare moments that there are times like PAX or Lowlands that really make you enjoy en cherish them for the rest of your live.

  27. You made this Morkie very happy!
    Watching you from the line as I waited, spending time with each person and not rushing people in and out like some insta-autograph situations I’ve seen. Ahh, decent people being decent to other decent people. Hoorah =)
    The Iron Guard saved you from sickness, but I was able to talk you into an elbow bump =D
    All the best!
    @Morkie

  28. I was just pushing your buttons! 🙂 Colby said you are pretty excited to get your hands on it.
    Now that you have handled a little PAX let me know if you are ever up for 5 days of “Big Boy School” aka GenCon 2010.You always have an open RSVP in the Sweet Suites.

  29. Congratulations on a great weekend and not coming home sick !*BONUS*!
    As always thanks for sharing your life with all of us, what I have seen of the keynote it was awesome – congratulations!!

  30. Wil your very sentimental when it comes to video games and I can understand why they shaped what you are today. And its funny but science gives me a warm fuzzy feeling since my science teacher I had when I was 12 that I fancied.
    Maybe video games bring back nice memories to you or a feeling of nostalgia ?

  31. Oh yeah I just remembered. Have you had the chance to download DA Origins: Awakening?
    I haven’t had a chance to play it yet but I do have it. I’d love to hear what you think of it when you get a chance to play it.

  33. I totally agree. 🙂 Wil reminded me of John Kovalic who once spent an incredible 5 hour stretch just to sign stuff for his fans.

  35. I’m not sure if they have it for MAC but I think there are three versions of Dragons Lair for PC.
    At one point in time I had Microsoft Arcade (Asteroids), Dragons Lair and Full Thottle for PC.
    I am assuming I would have to run virtual PC for Windows 7 or XP.
    Also had a really cool version of Speed Racer (if I can find the disks 🙂

  37. I was one of those first-timers to PAX, and to be honest, to a Con at all. Because of late pass-buying and work, I was only able to make it on Friday, but WOW, I’ll definitely be back again next year. (It was 8 hours to drive there, it would be multiple days to drive out west) I had a phenomenal time, and the sights and sounds and people were overwhelming. I spent most of my time hovering around the tabletop stuff, saw the keynote from the front row (WOOT!), and caught the impromptu Q&A with Gabe at the end of the night. Two days of driving for a day of con, and it was all worth it.

  38. While not my first con, this was my first PAX. However, it most assuredly will not be my last. I had such an incredible weekend, I can’t remember feeling this happy in a very long time. Not only was everyone who I met polite and nice and funny, but there were just so many things I wanted to go see and do. It was like Disneyworld … but with dice.

  39. I so very much wanted to go to PAX, but alas I couldn’t get off work. It sounds like such a wonderful event.
    Though I am mildly worried that it may be too overwhelming, I’ve never been to any con. Yes, I should be stripped of my geek badges and sent out to the desert for being in my 30’s and never going to any cons, but I’m trying to rectify this. Is PAX too much for a beginner, or will I be just fine?
    Congrats on not getting sick.

  40. I know exactly how you feel. I get it every year after GenCon. I go to GenCon not only for to play a ton of RPGs but to meet my friends that I only see once a year; twice at most. After four days full of fun and games, I feel sad not only because it’s over, but because I will not see my friends for a long time.
    I think it all boils down to being surrounded by so many people who share your interests and are completely accepting of who you are and what you do. You just don’t find that in normal life.

  41. There’s ample audio and video on this YouTube vidset:



    Hope that doesn’t step on anyone’s toes legally or anything. Just letting you all know it’s there.
    Nearly as cathartic and galvanizing as the first keynote at PAX Prime ’07.
    Much to digest. Between that speech and an imminent read through of my recently received copy of SubPress’ Happiest Days… edition, I feel a very, very lengthy love poem of a post coming to a blog post near you.
    Thanks for supplying the willpower to pick my head up once again, push out my scrawny chest once more, pump my fist prominently in the air and proudly proclaim myself a Geek. Hear us roar!
    Sorry again if the link is overstepping. I’ll understand if you have to take it down at some point.

  42. I can’t imagine how it must feel to have friends all over the world like you do. You are truly a lucky guy. I so wish I could have been at PAX, but too many little things got in the way. Crossing my fingers for next year! Welcome home, Wil. =]

  45. I managed to catch your keynote on youtube and can sum up my reaction in one word, inspired. I felt inspired to game a little more, to take the time to teach my brother to play magic and also proud to be a gamer.
    I spent the weekend at the Wizrd World Comic Con in Toronto, and although I know it couldn’t compare to the feeling I would have experienced at Pax, I too felt sad when it was over. For 3 days I felt comfortable and accepted for who I was, a big geek.
    Great job on the keynote, and I hope Pax Prime comes quickly for you.
    *Also, I hope we can get an audio version of this speech, like the 2007 keynote:)*

  46. Wil & friends, I wanted to share a little thing with you that seems like it has nothing to do with your post, but it really does. As I’ve said in previous comments, I’m not a gamer. I am, however, a total LoTR geek, to the point that in Feb 08 my hubby & I went to New Zealand on a tour (sidenote: if you ever want to go on a LoTR tour, go with Red Carpet Tours – they are the BEST tour, as well as the nicest, loveliest people you could ever want to meet). We only got to do half the tour – the North Island half – because our 2nd week was spent in Australia.
    All my life, I’ve felt like I was missing something, but had no idea what. The instant – and I mean the *instant* – I stepped off the plane in Auckland, I knew that I was home. I even said it out loud. I’d never had any affinity for NZ, or any preconceived notions; I just knew that I was home. And I knew that I’d found what was missing: New Zealand. Unlike other, shorter vacations, not ONCE during the 2 weeks that we were away from the US did I feel homesick. My hubby did, but I didn’t.
    Ever since being there, all I’ve wanted to do was to get back. I have been *homesick* for New Zealand. My husband doesn’t get it; “It’s only a place”, he says. He doesn’t understand. How can you be “homesick” for a place that you spent a week in 2 years ago? I don’t know, but I am. My mom thinks maybe I lived there in a past life; I don’t know if I believe in that stuff or not, but there is *something* that draws me there – not LoTR-related, just something about NZ. I’m a geek, not a freak.
    So, I went back, by myself, for 3 weeks this February. I stayed alone in a hotel in Wellington; I met up with the Red Carpet Tour group during the 2 days that they spent in Wellington; I got to see Daniel Reeve again – he’s the cartographer & calligrapher for LoTR, as well as many other movies, & did the artwork for my band’s latest CD – and met up with friends there that I’d previously only known online. I also spent a lot of time by myself; most of the time, actually. Here in the US, I’m a wife, sister, daughter, friend, employee (well, up until I lost my job a few weeks ago), band member, etc. In NZ, I was just… me. Maybe that’s how gamers feel at PAX, I don’t know. But I was really *me*. I sure as heck wasn’t homesick for the US, because I was already *home*. All those 3 weeks did was strengthen my desire to live there (which hubby doesn’t wanna do… yeah.)
    So I completely understand your homesickness for a place, a thing, that isn’t technically your home. It’s your home in your heart, and if you could be there forever, you would be. My heart broke the moment I set foot on the plane back to the US, & despite very difficult immigration laws & a husband who doesn’t want to move, I will fight with everything I have to get back to NZ again – hopefully permanently. You gamers are lucky that you have each other, & that you have PAX & other cons to be “home” at. I envy you that you can depend on it…
    Hey – thanks for letting me verbally vomit all over your blog. I know that my post is a sort of sideways view of your “homesick” thing, but I just wanted all of you who feel that way to know that here’s another one who feels the same way you do, even if it’s about something else. And while I feel bad for all of you who feel homesick, I’m glad to be in such good company. 🙂
    -Alicia (@AliciaWag)

  47. I suppose it is too late but I just got here: Wil! I remember seeing you at ECCC when you were finishing the Rock Band session-with that one song by the Who. I was that guy with the large glasses who was waving “I am Spock” by Leonard Nimoy around. (awkward, isn’t it). By the way, I think you might like http://www.nerdparadise.com. You’ll probably be treated like a deity, seeing your role in nerd culture.

  48. Wil, I can’t tell you how happy you made us in CCFP and the guys from ACAM by taking the time to stop by and PLAY the games. Looking forward to seeing you at Prime (if you have the time).
    And for the record you are not the only one counting down to Prime, although I am counting down using weeks not hours. 22 weeks sounds so much less than 3700 hours.

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