in which a list is completed

Belle and Sebastian played in my office, while I got ready for this weekend's convention.

I zipped up my backpack, stood up, and stretched. I made that ughh noise that, as a child, I always associated with old people.

I walked a couple steps across the room and sat down at my desk to look at the big list of things I needed to complete before heading out to Phoenix for the comicon. I uncapped my pen, and put a line through "pack the nerd bag."

"Hey," I thought, "the only thing left on the list is 'make the setlist for the awesome hour!'"

I jumped up and ran into the back of the house, where Anne was dumping a basket of laundry onto our bed. "Dude! I finished almost everything on my list!"

"Are you going to relax, now?"

"As soon as I figure out what my setlist is going to be," I said. I pulled a still-warm T-shirt out of the pile and began to fold it. "Oh, I'm totally taking this to Phoenix with me."

Before she could speak, I added, "Nnnnnnnerrrrrrd … shhhiiirrrttt!"

She looked at me and barely suppressed a smile.

"Sorry, I'm a little relieved that I'm basically done with my list, and super excited to go spend a few days among my tribe."

The smile appeared. "I know."

I reached into the pile of clothes and pulled out a pair of jeans. "Remember how much you loved putting on jeans right out of the dryer when you were a kid?"

"And you'd jump into them and try not to let the rivets burn you," she said.

I tentatively touched a rivet near one of the front pockets. It was warm, but not hot.

"When the kids were little," Anne said, "I'd put their jeans into the dryer before school on really cold days."

"Ha! I totally remember that," I said. I folded up the jeans and began sorting socks.

We folded in happy silence for a few minutes.

"I really don't know that I'm going to do for my Awesome Hour," I said. "I think I want to read two short stories, and then spend the second half of the hour doing Q and A."

I began the process of sorting my socks, which really should be easy, but never is.

"Some day, when I have 'fuck you' money, I'm totally buying all new socks, and they'll all be exactly the same, so I don't have to do this ever again."

"It's good to have goals," she said.

A light went off in my brain. "I know what I'm going to read."

"Oh? Is it a story about your socks?"

"Nope." I told her what my plan was.

"Yeah, that's entertaining."

We finished folding our clothes, and put everything away.

"I'm going to go play Red Dead Redemption, now," I said. "I think I've earned it, and I need to decompress a little bit, after such a busy day."

"Just don't shoot your horse this time," she said, dryly.

"Hey! That was an accident!"

Earlier in the day, I'd related to her how, the night before, I'd been out hunting coyotes (you know, like you do) and while aiming down from my horse, I accidentally shot it in the neck and killed it. I was so traumatized, I broke my personal rule about never reloading from a saved game file if things don't work out the way I want them to.

"If you say so," she said. "Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."

I kissed her goodnight, and a few minutes later found myself roaming the old west.

"Hey, Wil," my brain said.

"What, brain?"

"You're a cowboy…"

"Don't you fucking dare, brain."

"On a steel horse you ride…"

"I swear to god, I'm going to kill you with so much beer…"

"You're wanted…"

In spite of myself, I sang, "WAAAANNNTTTEEEEDDDD…"

My brain joined me: "Dead or aliiiivvvveee!"

I tried to pretend that it wasn't awesome, but my brain pointed out that, being my brain, it knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Hey, just look at it this way," my brain said, "I'm preparing you for Rock Band at the convention this weekend."

"I … you … just …" I had trouble speaking.

"Yeah, that's me fucking with you. Just say 'thank you', and you can get back to playing the game.

I sighed. "Thank you, brain."

"You're welcome. Now try not to shoot your horse."

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88 thoughts on “in which a list is completed”

  1. You are such a tease! When this weekend is over, will you let us unfortunates who are unable to attend know what this brilliant sock-folding-induced epiphany was?
    Have fun! Safe journeys.
    /envy

  2. Yeah, I’m with Jules. It’s times like these I’m sad I live on the East Coast & am way too far away from like, everything.

  7. I like that we’re your “tribe.” I have multiple “tribes” that I belong to, and some of them will be overlapping this weekend. Which is why I am so excited! Safe travels, see you soon.

  8. Everything is a good excuse for Bon Jovi, I almost sang that at Karaoke last night, but had to be a big girl and go to bed. Playing Rock Band with friends tomorrow though, so will definitely be with you in spirit there (but really in PA, yuck).

  9. If I said pretty please with sugar on top would you come to Dragoncon in Atlanta? I’ve never been to a con before and really want to go. It would seal the deal if you could make an appearance there. Pretty please with sugar on top.

  11. I was a little surprised to find that not only could I shoot my horse (it was an accident, I swear!) but I could also skin it and collect its meat. ..So wrong.

  14. You know…you’ve written about more interesting topics before. You’ve written better blog posts before. Hell, you’ve written funnier stuff before. But for some, inexplicable reason, this is quite possibly my favorite post from you of all time 🙂 Your excitement seemed to permeate through what you wrote….I love it 🙂
    http://www.livingwithanerd.com

  17. “‘Cause I’m a cowboy….”
    (Sorry, had to.) I really hope this means you’ll be coming to GenCon this year. Being poor + Midwestener = no travel to West Coast. And I would like to watch you sing silly songs.

  18. I haven’t laughed this hard at a post for a long time. Nice one! Next time, just don’t resort to sticking Bon Jovi firmly in my head. Oh, and the part about making that sound you associate with old people. Just keep telling yourself “I’m 37, I’m not old.”

  19. And yet again, you make all the people around me at work wonder why I’m giggling softly to myself. If I ever manage to meet you in person, Wil, remind me that I owe you a drink to help silence the ever-present brain.

  20. “I made that ughh noise that, as a child, I always associated with old people.” I’m starting to do the same thing.. Does that mean we’re getting old? I’m not old, I’m 37!!

  21. Your post yesterday made me remember how much work it is to go on a trip and thus made me a bit happier I couldn’t make PCC. This one makes me bemoan that fact all over again.
    Oh, well, though. I’ll stock up on nerd points at Dragon*Con.
    Can it be September yet? *grin*
    Seriously, have a great time, Wil, and thanks for the entertaining post.
    Ear worm loading…
    Ready…
    Run…
    I’m a cowboy! On a steel horse I ride…
    DAMMIT!

  22. Hehe, I make the *ugh* sound when I try to stand up after being crouched down for a while. Whose knees are these!? As for the socks, my boyfriend trimmed down to only 3 styles: white tube socks, white ankle socks and a couple pairs of black dress socks. Sorting is super easy, now. 🙂

  23. WW you are a wonderful story teller, although this is a true story I hope lol…but you have the funniest sense of humor unlike no other.
    Legend.

  24. See, I have this cat. He’s awesome because he is mine and everyone thinks their cat is awesome. His name is Sebastian, and in about 10 weeks I’ll have my first kid, a girl. If we name her Isabela, I’ll have my very own Belle and Sebastian. TADA! We’ll see….
    I do, however, make that old people groaning noise a whole lot when I get up and sit down now. Then again I think my lungs are stuffed somewhere in my shoulder.
    Have a great time in Phoenix, NERD UP!

  25. As a fellow geek that enjoys sharing in your geekery and hijinks, I do have a question; do you ever participate in things or conventions that Anne enjoys like hair shows (she’s a hairdresser right?) Do you have weekends that instead of being filled up with pop-geek wonders such as PAX, are filled up with adventures that Anne likes to do?

  26. Wil, I went with all the same socks and it’s awesome. I highly recommend it. I just picked a common brand and bought a bunch of white, a bunch of brown, and a bunch of black, all the same style. I never have to sort and match socks! I never have to worry about one getting a hole in it and suddenly I have half a pair. I just open the sock drawer and grab two of the same color and I’m golden. I’ll never go back.
    On another note, I can’t wait to hear what you do for your Awesome Hour this time. If it’s good, I hope you’ll bring it to PAX ’10, because that’s probably the next chance I’ll get to see you. 😀

  28. Bubbette, I was just thinking that!
    “My name is Ted. One day, I’ll be dead, yo yo yo…” :>)
    Wil, hopefully you’ll remember to pack CLOTHES this time? Let’s not have another incident with stolen pants.

  29. “Some day, when I have ‘fuck you’ money, I’m totally buying all new socks, and they’ll all be exactly the same, so I don’t have to do this ever again.”
    If you make them all really different it’s not difficult. Every pair of socks I own are different and no pair is white! I guess I’m the anti-Wil when it comes to socks. My friend coined the term monogamous socks about mine. Each sock has one and only one mate. Some identical socks, but not all are polygamous socks according to her.
    Buying ALL identical socks would go right past polygamous straight to what, orgy?
    I’ll see you this weekend in Phoenix. You’ll recognize me because I’ll be the one with AWESOME socks!

  33. Well played sir. Well fucking played! I’m grinning ear to ear over here.
    And Wil, show the east coast some love. I know Boston is the east coast, but it’s all the way up north. Get Paul & Storm to set something up in DC. Hell, i’ll do a Fudgie challenge!

  34. I love your monologues Wil. Soooooo funny! 🙂
    I twittered the question earlier but I’ll ask it here as well – what voice(s) do you do in RDR? I’ve done a fair bit of web searching and can’t find a direct voice credit for you.

  35. Um, color me ignorant, but, uh, what is “fuck you” money? Did i miss the memo on that one?! *off to tell hubby he may have to pay up* 😉

  36. re: Socks
    Everything can be broken down mathematically.
    Let’s say on an average day you wear 1 pair of socks. Let’s say that 4 times a month you wear 2 pairs of socks in one day (big workout, formal function, rain, ect). Let’s also say that once a month you go a whole day without wearing any socks. That means that in a year you’ll go through 401 pairs of socks (we can throw in an extra barefoot day to make it an even 400).
    A quick google searched showed bulk sock prices at $5/dozen. I’d imagine that with more diligence (and the fact that you’d be buying hundreds at once) you can get that price down, but we’ll use $5/12 right now. That means that for a years worth of socks, you’ll pay $166.66.
    Now, how much time does washing socks consume? Well, when you throw in a load of clothes you have to go through and gather all of your socks, carry them to the washer, drop one, try to pick it up with your foot and flick it up to your hand, fail, drop the socks in the washer, walk back and retrieve the rogue sock, and bring it to the washer. That probably takes about a minute. When you move the clothes into the dryer, you can’t just reach in and grab a sock, you have to stick your head in there and look for them since they are usually stuck to the side of the washer. That probably takes about 30 seconds. When they are dry, you have to pick out the socks from the clean clothes and put them to the side in a little sock pile, and then when you are done you have to go through them all, match them up, and do the sock tuck. That probably takes about 15 seconds to sort initially, and another minute and a half to match and tuck. So every load of wash, it takes about 3 minutes and 15 seconds to deal with the socks. Let’s say you wash socks in some capacity about 50 times a year. That means you are wasting 162.5 minutes every year dealing with socks.
    Which means that if you value your time at over $1/minute, you can easily justify buying new socks.

  39. Did you shoot your horse? ;D Oh! I keep checking back to itunes for episode 28 of the burrito but it’s not there(even though you just uploaded it on the internet yesterday). Do you think maybe when you get a chance you could put it up there? I need some more burrito on my ipod 🙂 Thank you! Good luck at Phoenix! *thumbs up*

  40. Oh man, the FIRST time I killed my horse I was horrified! I was trying to shoot a person who’d ridden off on it and hit the horse by mistake. The SECOND time I killed my horse, I was transporting a bounty and accidentally rode it off a cliff that was high enough to kill the animal but not me or my bounty. He and I were stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Took me a minute to remember I owned a couple of other horses before I whistled for one. Now it’s to the point where if one of my horses dies I just kind of shrug and call in a new one.
    Oh and if I come across one of those “please help me, mister” ambushes I kill their horses after I take out the would-be thieves. My thinking is, those horse are domesticated and wouldn’t last long in the desert so I’m actually doing them a favor. Also, their meat and skins pad my wallet rather nicely.

  42. Too funny! Maybe Wil should name his next horse Buckshot.
    On the subject of socks, I think the ‘Eater of Socks’ has migrated from the Discworld to my laundry room. I always seems to have at least one lone sock left over.

  46. When I first read “sock rings” my brain read something else… and suddenly wondered if I had meandered over to Kevin Smith’s blog instead… 😉

  48. Hey Wil, sorry I won’t be able to make it to the con to see you this weekend, but the money’s just not there. Quick question though – you mentioned ‘fuck you money’, is that a nod to Robert Evans? He used that term in his short-lived Kid Notorious cartoon, and that was the first place I’d ever heard the expression.

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