in which a list is completed

Belle and Sebastian played in my office, while I got ready for this weekend's convention.

I zipped up my backpack, stood up, and stretched. I made that ughh noise that, as a child, I always associated with old people.

I walked a couple steps across the room and sat down at my desk to look at the big list of things I needed to complete before heading out to Phoenix for the comicon. I uncapped my pen, and put a line through "pack the nerd bag."

"Hey," I thought, "the only thing left on the list is 'make the setlist for the awesome hour!'"

I jumped up and ran into the back of the house, where Anne was dumping a basket of laundry onto our bed. "Dude! I finished almost everything on my list!"

"Are you going to relax, now?"

"As soon as I figure out what my setlist is going to be," I said. I pulled a still-warm T-shirt out of the pile and began to fold it. "Oh, I'm totally taking this to Phoenix with me."

Before she could speak, I added, "Nnnnnnnerrrrrrd … shhhiiirrrttt!"

She looked at me and barely suppressed a smile.

"Sorry, I'm a little relieved that I'm basically done with my list, and super excited to go spend a few days among my tribe."

The smile appeared. "I know."

I reached into the pile of clothes and pulled out a pair of jeans. "Remember how much you loved putting on jeans right out of the dryer when you were a kid?"

"And you'd jump into them and try not to let the rivets burn you," she said.

I tentatively touched a rivet near one of the front pockets. It was warm, but not hot.

"When the kids were little," Anne said, "I'd put their jeans into the dryer before school on really cold days."

"Ha! I totally remember that," I said. I folded up the jeans and began sorting socks.

We folded in happy silence for a few minutes.

"I really don't know that I'm going to do for my Awesome Hour," I said. "I think I want to read two short stories, and then spend the second half of the hour doing Q and A."

I began the process of sorting my socks, which really should be easy, but never is.

"Some day, when I have 'fuck you' money, I'm totally buying all new socks, and they'll all be exactly the same, so I don't have to do this ever again."

"It's good to have goals," she said.

A light went off in my brain. "I know what I'm going to read."

"Oh? Is it a story about your socks?"

"Nope." I told her what my plan was.

"Yeah, that's entertaining."

We finished folding our clothes, and put everything away.

"I'm going to go play Red Dead Redemption, now," I said. "I think I've earned it, and I need to decompress a little bit, after such a busy day."

"Just don't shoot your horse this time," she said, dryly.

"Hey! That was an accident!"

Earlier in the day, I'd related to her how, the night before, I'd been out hunting coyotes (you know, like you do) and while aiming down from my horse, I accidentally shot it in the neck and killed it. I was so traumatized, I broke my personal rule about never reloading from a saved game file if things don't work out the way I want them to.

"If you say so," she said. "Don't stay up too late."

"I won't."

I kissed her goodnight, and a few minutes later found myself roaming the old west.

"Hey, Wil," my brain said.

"What, brain?"

"You're a cowboy…"

"Don't you fucking dare, brain."

"On a steel horse you ride…"

"I swear to god, I'm going to kill you with so much beer…"

"You're wanted…"

In spite of myself, I sang, "WAAAANNNTTTEEEEDDDD…"

My brain joined me: "Dead or aliiiivvvveee!"

I tried to pretend that it wasn't awesome, but my brain pointed out that, being my brain, it knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Hey, just look at it this way," my brain said, "I'm preparing you for Rock Band at the convention this weekend."

"I … you … just …" I had trouble speaking.

"Yeah, that's me fucking with you. Just say 'thank you', and you can get back to playing the game.

I sighed. "Thank you, brain."

"You're welcome. Now try not to shoot your horse."

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88 thoughts on “in which a list is completed”

  1. I literally laughed out loud at this. Well done, sir!
    Hey, can that be a new intertube acronym? LLOL? I mean, cause so rarely are the things connected to a LOL really actually making me laugh out loud. (I think it gets used because because people aren’t sure how to spell “laugh”.)
    And…now I’m said because I’ve never been to a con.

  2. And now I have Bon Jovi stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot, Wil.
    Enjoy Phoenix! Hope we get to see you at an East Coast Con sometime soon.

  3. Whil Wheaton, I love your brain. And I will now be singing that song all day at work.
    Have fun at the con, and tell all of us what your epiphany was when you get back!

  5. “Awesomearious!” Love it!
    Also, Wil, you should definitely do the sock thing.. recently decided to do that myself and it makes laundry so much better. Matching socks is one of my most hated chores. >.<

  11. I asked you on Twitter, but my guess is you’ll never reply there, but I noticed your last string of tweets are posted from Twitter for Android. Did you get an Android phone?

  12. One of the best vignettes you’ve posted in some time, Mister Wil… I was right there in the room with you both. Masterful.
    (Oh, and because my nerdliness is boundless, I don’t even know what song you were referring to. But it didn’t matter.)

  15. Two things:
    1) My first geek-thoughts on RDR were “…Barrrissscoooo!”
    2) Who said geek-culture could be west-coast-centric? ‘Snot fair!

  16. Wil, I was playing RDR today and a strange scenario unfolded that I thought you might appreciate.
    I was roaming around Cueva Seca gathering desert sage and doing some hunting. While in the middle of gathering some herbs, I heard a commotion coming from the road. I looked up and saw a highwayman trying to bushwhack a traveler and steal his horse. Naturally, being an honorable bounty hunter, I decided to intervene. I rode up on the stranded man, but he didn’t ask me to retrieve his horse. I decided that I would pursue the horseman anyway. I rode him down and lassoed him from the horse. Up to this point, I had expected to be given the ok to apprehend, but it never was granted. I suddenly realized that I had apprehended the horse owner and in a panic, I was trying to decide how to handle the situation. The man was still writhing on the ground caught in my lasso. While I sat atop my horse and visions of a kidnapping charge passed through my mind, a cougar suddenly sprang from the underbrush, attacked and killed the man I had apprehended. The cougar was then upon me, so I drew my pistol and shot it dead. It ended up being a win-win situation as I claimed a cougar pelt and the loot from the man’s corpse.
    Also, don’t feel bad about shooting your own horse. I did the same thing out in the wild when I was beset by a pack of wolves (this was on my first game-day) which swarmed around my horse. When my horse fell, I fought off the wolves only to be attacked by a pair of cougars. I won the day, but lost my golden pearl stallion and had to walk five miles back to civilization.
    I love this game, heh. Although, I wish you could slap the horse once you dismount to get it out of a gunfight.

  17. Wil, apparently you brought so much awesome with you that an hour wasn’t enough! I don’t know how they’re going to market the Awesome 80 Minutes though – doesn’t have the same ring to it somehow.

  18. So, this is kinda sad – this is actually my first response to the blog, and I’m talking about socks. Here’s the thing – don’t do it! It’s a trap! Some five years ago, my wife and I bought all matching socks – all black – and it doesn’t actually save ANY time in matching, because the damn socks STILL don’t match, because they wear out at different rates and turn grey at different rates. And when the first batch of socks starts to wear out, you can’t find new socks that match the PATTERN of the first batch of socks. And then, you find that you need BROWN socks to wear with a suit, or someone gives you a pair of fancy socks that you love, and you’re right back where you started, matching the damn socks. Only, you know, it’s double bad, because you’ve got the whole, “I had this brilliant plan once, but it totally failed” complex hanging over the whole experience.
    The only thing worse is hanging socks out on a line. I hate that.
    What I don’t hate is this blog. So, yeah, keep posting about socks and video games and your brain and stuff. Right.

  19. Bon Jovi just won’t ever not be totally awesome. Even when they’re totally cheesey.
    Though my “fuck you” money splurge is going to be all matching towels. I don’t really know why. I just want them.

  21. Yes it is 🙂 I actually got to listen to it yesterday, live with my youngest. And I have to to say, being able to geek out with him over some of the things Wil mentioned made the Awesome Hour that much more awesome. I also listened to The Guild and Star Trek TNG panel today.(The Guild panel is avail for stream/download there as well and hopefully the Trek one will be up soon).
    However, awesome and thanks! Because everyone may not be aware.

  22. Awesome hour (via podcast) was indeed awesome, especially the live version of the Ghost Recon story and the Tetris one, thank you.

  23. Shooting your horse by accident while you are on it is not a thing you would really do if you were a cowboy, so I’m giving you a pass on the loading from a saved game thing (because I can totally give out passes like that).
    Although I’d like to point out that if you were riding a steel horse, it wouldn’t matter if you accidentally shot it. In fact you might accidentally shoot it just for fun.
    When I was in my Bon Jovi phase, I actually tried out being a cowboy for a while. Although I misunderstood the lyrics and rode a horse that I had taken from someone else without their permission. I got caught and it turns out they hang people to death in that locale for horse theft. True story.

  24. Wil Wheaton…you shot your horse! It’s a good thing you never played the part of Rooster Cogburn in True Grit.
    Ned Pepper: What’s your intention? Do you think one on four is a dogfall?
    Rooster Cogburn: I mean to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged in Fort Smith at Judge Parker’s convenience. Which’ll it be?
    Ned Pepper: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.
    Rooster Cogburn: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!
    Rooster fires his Winchester as his trusty four legged friend gallops across the field…he twirls the rifle to reload and then brings up his pistol to fire…a sudden look of horror appears on the mans face as he realises the ground is coming up to meet him…too quickly.
    Ned Pepper: Oh that’s just embarrassing…the man shot his horse!

  25. Caught the last day of Comicon Sunday, and I was rude to you for which I apologize. Long story short, I went to shake your hand after waiting in line, and you grabbed your water bottle instead. “What, you’re not into shaking hands?” I was thinking more of myself and the difficulties even getting there instead of the fact that talking to fans is thirsty work. And you didn’t have to explain yourself about not wanting to catch a cold. Oh, I was the geek with the glasses, shaved head, and Green Lantern T-shirt. And I was chewing gum. I was a jerk, and it’s been bugging me since then. I hope you read this but understand if you don’t. Again, my heartfelt apologies.

  27. It was a great con. One thing though, after the Star Trek panel, the three of you effectively changed how I see the show.
    When I got home last night BBC America had the episode with just Picard and Wesley. The whole time I just kept hearing:
    “I always thought he was a more gentle actor when he drank.”
    “That’s because you were a minor!”
    WHEATON!
    Thanks for an entertaining time.

  28. I had a wonderful time at the Phoenix Comicon, and it was an honor meeting you and actually getting to ask you questions at several of your panels. I felt like an idiot when I met you Thursday night and went to shake your hand and you reminded me about the PAX Plague and we did a fistbump instead… I apologize for that. I loved during the panel for The Guild when you talked about Red Dead Redemption and accidentally shooting your horse… I think you broke Felicia Day’s brain when you said that. I also shouldn’t have waited until Sunday to try and get one of your books… should have figured they’d sell out quick.
    Thank you for coming out and I hope to meet you again sometime.
    Ashes to ashes,
    DJ Pheonyx
    The Cape Radio
    http://www.thecaperadio.com

  29. I’m not sure that I would have been as forgiving if I was in your shoes. It means a lot that you replied, and I will try not to repeat my “performance”. I look forward to seeing you at next year’s Phoenix Comicon. Qapla’.

  30. Wil thanks for coming to Phx! It was great, Rock Band was great, Geek Prom was fun, and the Trek Panel was hilarious!! Your the only person who signed and took a pic with me for free, so thanks for that, some celebs don’t know that we’re in a crap financial situations these days, so thanks!! When I get paid I will be buying your book!

  31. OK, I’ve gone the “all identical sock” route and its 75% of awesome. I have two sock types: black for work (suit, tie, aaarrrgggh) and white for sneakers, working out etc. The white ones are 100% of awesome: ten-20 socks in the drawer, they all match. Black one are 50% of awesome: they get different cleaning/fading histories. So I’m still pulling out one and looking for the best match in terms of shade.

  33. I totally did that with my horse. The cool Stallion you get when you round up the wild horses for Bonnie. But a cougar got him not my six shooter. I also had to reload, too devistating.
    I got the game on Friday and it was a rainy long weekend in the Jet Town and aside from necessary duties played all weekend.

  35. Too funy on the socks – my husband and I often wonder how we and the kids manage to have so many different kinds of white socks (or black or blue) so that we end up with piles of socks of the same color that don’t match. We and often wonder how rich you have to be to have all matching socks and just chuck the ones that don’t match.

  36. Yup. You and yours, Kevin Smith and his, and Scalzi and his. It would make an epic book. I’ve read marriage words of wisdom from each of you and each one of you men-types have said on more than one occasion how lucky you are that you’re married to the women you’re married to.
    Working title: Married to Just A Geek*
    See, now? Bet that’s a book that never occurred to you to write. 🙂
    *Kevin is a film/comic geek I figure he qualifies 🙂

  37. It was my first game day ( < 5% complete ) so the system was still very unfamiliar. I tried to call another horse, but no horse came when I whistled and I didn't have any deeds or an improved campsite yet ( nor the sense to use them ). Now I know that you have to wait about a minute before calling a replacement horse ( 98.9% complete - wtf am i missing?? ). In hindsight, I am sure there is some license in that story as well.

  38. Re: the socks thing. I’ve done that already, although the years have split it up into four different batches of socks:
    1. The old old general socks.
    2. My slightly dressy but mundane socks.
    3. The new general socks.
    4. Everything else. (ankle socks, hiking socks, really dressy socks, etc.).
    It makes sorting the laundry easy. I don’t match specific socks except for the fourth category. All the others I just sort into their respective families.
    If it weren’t for not being able to find the same exact “model” of socks i’d only have two categories: 1 & 4. Alas change happens.

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