Everyone who lives with mental illness experiences it in our own way. For me, my Depression and Anxiety sort of hang out just beyond the scope of my peripheral vision, occasionally telling me they are there by casting a shadow over my life. Most of the time, it’s just that shadow, but other times, they team up and they just totally block out the Sun, and all the light in my life.
That’s how the last week or ten days have been, triggered by this complex PTSD episode that knocked me down really hard, and then stood on my chest wearing golf spikes. It was not awesome.
This thing that happened to me was brand new. As an adult, I hadn’t really, truly, fully experienced the totality of the pain, fear, sadness, and helplessness I felt as a child. I’d sort of pushed all that to the side, in the name of empowerment, and charged ahead with my life, to the best of my ability. What I didn’t know until this last week is that the stuff I pushed to the side was just sort of waiting for me to be ready to confront and deal with it, when it blocked out the Sun and scorched the Earth around me.
But I did the work that I know how to do. I allowed myself to feel all the things I needed to feel. I had long conversations with my sister, who has been so supportive and understanding through all of this. I had long conversations with myself, and I talked to the little boy I was. It felt kind of silly and a little “woo woo” to do that, but he needed to know that I love him, I see him, I can’t protect him from these terrible people, but I’m going to do the best I can to hold his hand and help him through everything, even if it’s just in my memories. He is not alone now, even though he felt so very alone, then.
And it really helped. It really helped to acknowledge my pain and my recovery. It helped to remind myself that healing is a journey, and some parts of the path are more difficult than others.
My sister gave me some really good advice, my Godmother and my cousin reminded me that I am and always have been loved by them, even when I wasn’t feeling unconditional love and approval from my parents. My wife held me while I cried, then she held me while I ugly cried, then she held me while I sobbed uncontrollably.
My pain and my trauma is real, and it is lasting, but I know that I’m going to heal it all, eventually, because I am surrounded by love and support.
Some housekeeping, after the jump:
A new episode of Ready Room was released today!
If you can’t watch it at YouTube, CBS has put the show all over the place, including at IGTV, which works worldwide.
I talked to the Fresh Air of Canada, Q, on CBC Radio:
In Wheaton’s interview with q guest host Laurie Brown, he talks about surviving the trauma of child stardom and building a career out of the hobbies he loves.
“My reality is, I don’t love acting that much,” says Wheaton. “Being an actor was not my dream. I don’t know what my dream was. I never got to figure it out.”
Finally, Andy Weir, author of The Martian, and I sat down together to talk about our work, individually and together, on the audiobook I recorded for him and Audible last year. It’s a fun conversation.
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gosh, i know this feeling so well. again and again you iterate what i go through, and have gone through, healing my own trauma PTSD. it is always the same sort of ebb and flow, cocooning and release. and i am SO GLAD you have anne and your other support team to help you through it. you didn’t get to do a lot of things that little kid was supposed to do, and as survivors we are allowed to “woo woo” the kid in us when necessary. sanity is THAT IMPORTANT.
You’re sister seems really supportive. Does she have anything to do with your parents at all? Does your godmother?
Wish I could help you, but I can’t. Feel like I know you sometimes, but I don’t. Good thoughts sent your way anyway.
I’ve also struggled with feeling like doing the whole “talking to my wounded inner child” stuff was hokey, and that plus the ingrained trauma-memo of not being worthy of, you know, help of any kind? Not a good combination. I’m so glad you had the love and support and inner resilience to let yourself process the pain. It’s hard but so worth it. Thanks for talking about this stuff, and just being you.
I am glad that you have some family who can bear witness to your childhood and support you in your healing process. I’m sure that must help some. Continue working on yourself and know that you have people out here who, although we don’t know you personally, feel like we know you and support you 110%.
I didn’t realize you had CPTSD. I don’t have any idea who your parents are, but I suddenly despise them. I’m guessing you have all the resources you need to get through this, but if you need more outlets let us know. I don’t wanna get creepy by offering to talk, but as an adult male diagnosed with CPTSD, I know how isolating it can be. We’re not supposed to talk about it or admit to it and if we do, things get uncomfortable because no one wants to hear it. Even the most compassionate folk balk at commiserating with the sort of desperation decades-worth-of-denial can lead to.
For every kid that the state removes from a torturous ‘upbringing’ there are dozens of others that suffer through it because their parents “aren’t the sort of people to do that to a child”. Or because the neighbors mind their business. Or because “its better than foster care”. Or because poverty and no one cares…. It’s very difficult to get support for this sort of trauma. Alcoholics Anonymous? Seriously: if I knew of a way to find support groups for middle-aged men with CPTSD, I’d be posting it all over the place.
I assume you know reddit? r/ptsd/ and r/raisedbynarcissists/
A subreddit isn’t a replacement for therapy, support groups, friends or family, but you can go there anonymously and talk things through with folk that’ve had analogous experiences. Or just read about how others are coping. Reading about how others work through these issues can be very inspiring, imo.
Anyway, I’m rootin’ for ya! Please share if you find some coping mechanism or assistance that puts you on the path toward mending. It’ll help others to know that recovery is not an impossible task. Take care.
I’m glad that you’re able to deal with all of this. A lot of men don’t, they self medicated instead. It sounds like you have a wonderful wife and sister too.
I don’t know what to say other than I get it, I’ve had that conversation with my younger self in the last few years and it was both extremely sad and extremely helpful. I’ve been following your writing for years and I’ve always enjoyed your books and blog posts but the ones about mental illness have been particularly moving to me, I can relate about so much of it, and as usual you are able to put into words so many things I just can’t find the language for sometimes. I know you are very grateful for the people you have in your life that are loving and supportive, just like I am for the people I have. Hang in there, my dude.
All I really want out of this world is a remake of Southern Comfort with Danny McBride, Matt Berry, Dan Harmon, Maria Bamford, Justin Roiland, and the gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hollywood is not smart enough to give that to me, but AI will in 2040. I can make it to 2040, no problem.
Come to China and we can be quarantine buddies, Wil.
QUARANTINE BUDDIES!
I’m glad you had the time and space to confront and deal with those feelings. Give past you a mental hug from each and every one of us.
I have The Martian both in print (autographed by Andy Weir) and the older version on Audibles, but I’d gladly buy it again to hear your interpretation…yours would be a perfect voice for Mark Watney.
I’m 53 years old. I still struggle with anxiety and depression (as does my daughter). And recently I had to confess to my family that I’d been self-harming, and had been for years, it was only recently I had begun cutting my arms up.
A lot of mine also stems from childhood trauma, some days I’m good and others it’s like getting hit by a train.
Keep up the fight, you’ll be okay.
I really appreciate these posts – makes me feel so much less alone in struggles of this type. I can relate to your experiences in so many aspects. I’ve pushed a lot of stuff to the side just to be able to survive and get to today. As someone who’s starting to unpack that, do you have any advice? Tips? I just know it’s gonna hit me one of these days and I don’t honestly know how I’ll deal.
The way you express yourself in this post resonates very deeply with some of my own experiences. I’ve pushed a lot of stuff to the side as well, just because I had to or I couldn’t go forwards with living. I just know it’s going to hit me one of these days… I feel it at the edge of my mind, like a frayed hem on worn-out jeans. As someone who is unpacking all your history, do you have any tips for us that are still a few steps behind you in the same process? Advice?
Thank you for being so open, for sharing. You create space for the reader to both know your experience (to degrees) and to self-reflect.
Have you seen the documentary Resilience? It’s about adverse childhood experiences. I watched it last night at a county commissioners meeting where I live. A local doctor was so blown away by the documentary, that he used his own money to show it at meetings like the one I was at last night. The premise is that these ACEs follow us throughout our lives and negatively impact our health. Anyway, I thought of your recent blog posts last night while I was watching. (To keep from thinking about my own childhood and sobbing in a room full of people I have to work with on a near daily basis.) There’s a test mentioned in the documentary that we were given. Ideally everyone should be a 0. Mine was 5. And I do struggle with depression and anxiety. So if you haven’t seen it, I recommend it (when you are in a good head space).
I haven’t see that documentary.
It’s very heartening to hear you’ve been able to work through the very low place you were in at your last post. I have friends that have PTSD and I’ve encouraged them to read your posts and it is definitely helpful for them to know they’re not alone. I have been fortunate enough to not be in that situation as a child where trust was completely broken, so cannot understand how they feel, but send them your posts and things to let them know they matter to me in hopes it helps. Also, Ready Room is awesome!! So love watching it after Picard, and yes, all the enthusiasm you show for Picard is me too. Thank you for speaking up for the nerds.
Depression, anxiety, & PTSD are challenges huMom has known all her life. She said it is a life long journey to work through & manage. Some days are easier than others.
Support is crucial & it sounds like your wife & sister are pawsome at being that for you.
Stay strong 💜nose nudges💜
Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone, feeling like this, other people feel it, too. The dark is so dark right now I can’t cry. I can’t shower. I have an appointment with my pill shrink at noon and I will go, but he barely looks up from his laptop unless I’m having a screaming meltdown. There is no energy for a screaming meltdown. So he’ll hand me a prescription and I’ll get it filled and sometime in the future the light will come back. I know this. But right now it’s just dark.
Thank you for sharing.
Just a reminder Wil, there are so many people in this world who love and respect you. You’ve got this. You are an inspiration to me and many, many others.
Wil, you may have never wanted to be an actor, but you became one, and you’ve posted about how inhabiting a character can be so satisfying. It’s horrible to think that you were forced into doing that, because you were so great in Stand By Me, and Star Trek (I always loved Wesley Crusher). If this gives me conflicting feelings, I can’t imagine what it does for you. Becoming good at something one never wanted is not satisfying, and must feel a bit like holding ashes. Thanks so much for sharing all of this.
Hang in there, man. You know how to do the work and you’re doing it, so keep on. There’s no mystery or quick fix, just keep doing the work and lean on the people in your life who love you. You seem like a great guy, so I’m going to keep sending good thoughts your way, across a dark ocean that may, or may not, harbour Deep Ones. 😁
Why nothing about Kobe?
How about, because…. who cares? You’re not getting Kobe nonsense at this point? You can go pretty much anywhere else get it. Why complain about not getting it here?
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing, it is really brave and must be hard to do. I am so glad you have a wonderful wife and some family who are there for you. Your sharing is encouraging.
Nothing like that Black Dog stalking you in the background.
I had mine stalk so well that for about 6 weeks i thought it took off for good, that i finally fiund some sort of balance, and that it would only come back if something big happened. Some big event or circumstance.
Then that bastard pounced! (If dogs pounce…that may just be a cat thing). It was also the hardest, longest, and most persistent (that’s what she said..had to do it) bout i had experienced in several months.
Luckily i recognized it was here, learned to work through it, and i believe it will make me stronger and better equipped to handle it if he comes back.
If any of that makes sense.
Congrats on the new show. I never knew as a child about how acting and all that goes with it and supporting the family could be something harmful to a child. Yeah it can be.
As good American males, we are trained to stuff it all down, cover it up with our addiction of choice and soldier on. Developmental Trauma is really hard to work with. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and working through it is difficult. And a lot of people don’t want to hear about it. Many of them are in denial of their own pain and don’t want the reminder. I’ve written letters to my younger self, talked to my younger self, sobbed and moaned uncontrollably, doing whatever it takes to heal. Some of us get a crappy deal and we are left to pick up the pieces. You are fortunate to have compassionate people around you to help.
I’ve been following you since the early days, when you were sad about not getting any auditions to when you started publishing till now. That you are sharing what you are going thru will help you and will help others. As a fellow survivor, I can say there is a light on the other side of all this hurt and sorrow.
One thing that has helped me is spending time outside in nature. It is very healing. Nature doesn’t ask anything of you except to be there.
I just saw the quote from your CBC interview: “”Being an actor was not my dream. I don’t know what my dream was. I never got to figure it out.” .
This brings tears to my eyes. This happened to me. And I still don’t know what my dream is…..
I know what my dream is.
I am amazed at the strength of character that you have. I don’t know what you are going through but I really admire that you are winning. Keep up the good fight!
Wil, you are doing such an amazing job on The Ready Room. One of the best “making-of” style shows I’ve seen in a very long time. RE your PTSD: I can’t imagine what you’re going through and wouldn’t ever try to compare it to something I’ve experienced. But I do grieve for you and am sending prayers your way right now. Your presence in the genre world makes it a much better place and I pray for your healing so that you can actually feel the good will we all have towards you. It’s one thing to know it – another thing to feel it. God Bless
A Grief Observed by N.W Clerk (actually written by C.S Lewis)
Just wanted to say that you’re doing an exceptional, terrific job on “The Ready Room”! Despite what you’ve been going through, you handle your onscreen appearances with perfect aplomb. I’m tremendously enjoying the chance to see you again, and it appears that you’re enjoying the experience as well.
Hi. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sucks, no many how times you go through it and process, it still sucks every time. As an abuse and neglect survivor, I know how past trauma can sneak up on you and totally turn your life upside down. I’m so glad you have people that love and support you. Might I also share a few tools that have really helped me? The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk has some extremely helpful tools and EMDR therapy has also been really good.
Also, I wanted to say that I LOVE Picard and really enjoy watching you in Ready Room every week.
Thank you for being honest and just being you.
Hey Will, I’m a long-time fan. I just wrote a book on self-development, if you’d like a copy I can send it over (digitally as it’s not out till April), it has some fun tools for emotional processing and inner child work – but it looks like you know lots already.
It’s so great you’re talking about these issues. So many people shy away from using the word trauma because they think you had to go to war or through major violence to get it, but simply not being treated as a human or loved is enough. And if I had to choose one word to explain the root of most problems in our society at the moment, I would choose trauma. It’s such an interesting journey untangling the web of pain isn’t it? And hard at times, but I’m glad you’re doing so well and inspiring other people too x.
I’m glad you’re working through your past, and I’m especially glad you have what sounds like a strong family support structure to help you and be there for you.
I’m also glad you mentioned your work on Ready Room and The Martian. I have really enjoyed the first two episodes of Ready Room, your own enthusiasm for the show really comes through. Your performance on The Martian was also outstanding. Having read the the book a couple of times and, of course, seen the movie half a dozen times, I feel like I know the story pretty well. But I find there’s always some nuance I miss when I read things, and your performance really highlighted some of those things for me and heightened my enjoyment of the story. Bravo.
This post slipped by me until today – frenetic schedule lately. I’m not sure if it’s beneficial for you to read the stories of others that have experienced childhood trauma and PTSD, but I thought I would share what has happened in my life. I’m married to an amazing, intelligent and honorable man. He chose to be a police officer, employed by the LAPD for 27 years, and has been retired 15 years. He had a terrible mother- manipulative, cruel and took pleasure in sabotaging any possibility for joy. When we wed, she did her best to break up our marriage and gaslight our relationship, pitting us against each other. His years on the police department were an excellent distraction and he really came alive. He loved the fast pace and put his heart and soul into his career. But that experience was also filled with nightmarish episodes and he witnessed the worst life can throw at people. Long story short….(too late! lol) when he retired everything shut down. He became horribly depressed and for five years was agoraphobic. His anxiety attacks were brutal and I could barely comfort him enough to achieve some sort of calm. After years of begging he finally sought therapy and it saved our lives. But I learned so much about how the human brain stores pain and trauma. While we are busy, filling our days with work, kids, social responsibilities and entertainment, it’s those distractions that keep the memories, and the torment at bay. It’s in the quiet that it attacks and then has a captive. Once my husband retired he was a ripe target for all the past to catch up with him. And it’s inevitable. For all of us. We can only avoid those thoughts for so long and then it will pounce.
I’m so glad you have your wife, sister and Godmother that have loved and supported you, and continue to do so, while you face those demons. My husband has me and our children, and our unconditional love to see him through. It’s worth the work – it really is. You will feel more and more free to breathe. Hugs.
So sorry to hear that the pain has made itself known to you. Most of my life I wanted to uncover everything I had blocked. I was an only child and my mother openly hated me and wished me dead. Because I had felt that she’d taken memories that belonged to me, I was angry and, more than once, asked a therapist if we could try to dig it up so I could “purge” it. Then, in the last couple of years, I realized that there was a reason it was forgotten and I didn’t want it to come back — I’ve had the barest taste of it now and then and I can tell you that I do not want it to come back, but, I suppose if it does, I will have to be ready. I realize now it’s taken me this long for a reason – it’s only now that I may be able to deal with it. I’ve finally come to terms with the ways in which the damage caused me to live a life of isolation, never even knowing what this idea of “love” and “trust” is.
I wish you the best on the re-integration of these feelings into your current life. I am so happy you have loving people to help you along the way.
Don’t be surprised if you experience a loss of appetite, have trouble sleeping, or feel unmotivated. Those are natural reactions to the grieving process. Make sure you get the nutrients you need to stay healthy, and don’t underestimate the importance of sleep. If you’re tossing and turning, try getting to bed at the same time each night, and stick with that routine so your body is re-accustomed to a healthy sleep pattern. If it helps, do some light reading or meditate before going to bed – it can help you achieve a sense of peace and inner stillness. Take part in activities you enjoy; give your mind and body a break from the pain you’re feeling.
I’m a lifelong introvert, which means that while I like socialising, I find it a net drain and need solitude to recoup.
However, recently I started taking Spanish classes. I was a pretty handy linguist at school, but never pursued it, so learning Spanish released a thirty-year longing and I’m deeply motivated.
The class is a motley crew of about 10 and it’s a bit of a chore, because some are very slow, and they struggle with things I believe most people would already know by dint of mere osmosis.
I might request moving up a level after this term, since I’m reading and listening independently, but I’m not in that much of a hurry, because just the act of taking a class with these 10 new people, and experiencing it with them, is sustaining in a way I hadn’t expected.
Aggressively pursue opportunities that could lead to rejection and hurt. That’s historically been difficult for me but I am doggedly pursuing it all the same because I need to get the fuck out of my own way professionally and emotionally because my book deserves it and my readers deserve it and my family in particular deserve a version of me who realizes his potential instead of letting his fear of the world and its phantom horrors keep him from being everything that he can be.
As a professional counselor, I deal with depression and anxiety in people on an everyday basis. Continue to use your support system to get you through the difficult times. Best wishes for leading a wonderful, fulfilling life.
lightning36
This is going to sound backwards and strange, but I think that feeling this trauma is an indication that you are in a good enough place to process it. You’ve been repressing these memories and feelings for so long because you were afraid. I’m not saying that you’ve won (yet), but the fact that you have a support system is favorable. Peace to you, Wil.
“What I didn’t know until this last week is that the stuff I pushed to the side was just sort of waiting for me to be ready to confront and deal with it, when it blocked out the Sun and scorched the Earth around me.” WIL Wrote.
So I believe Wil did realize it.
When did grown men because such whiners and little girls? Guess what, life is hard both when you’re a child and an adult. None of us grew up with perfect parents. So Wil doesn’t know what his “dream” is?!? Really? A grown adult crying about his childhood? Wil, respectfully, grow up already.
You seem to have made a pretty comfortable life for yourself selling books, recordings, etc all based on your unchosen career. Maybe you need to thank mom and dad for pushing you into a pretty good gig. Newsflash, none of us had perfect parents and nobody here is a perfect parent to their children. You are looking at your childhood from 1 perspective and that of a child. That does not make it true.
It is terrible that you are so sad, miserable and preoccupied with “what could have been”. That has to be awful to go through a day like that only to have a repeat the next day. But you are choosing that outcome.
You sound exactly like the man who was my father: cruel, dismissive, selfish, and unhappy. What a shame. Just like him, you know nothing about me, and I honestly don’t know why you even bothered to be so cruel and dismissive, other than to make yourself feel better about your own failings, just like him. Go away and don’t come back. You aren’t welcome here.
I’m none of that Wil. You are using your anger at your father to draw conclusions about me. Gee, who is judging now?
You are blaming your unhappiness on real or made up memories 30 years later. If you didn’t want to be in your profession you certainly spent an adult lifetime cashing in on it. Don’t want to act, don’t. You don’t have to act. Instead of using your “celebrity” for autograph shows, hosting gigs due to childhood TV roles get a job at Petco or do shift work. Get your barber license and live a quiet life with no attention.
It has to be awful going through your days as you describe. YOU choose what to do with your unhappiness. YOU choose what your dreams are. You choose what your day will be like. My heart breaks that someone chooses to blame their adult situation on their childhood. Your generation needs to group already. Life is hard and people like you expect rainbow and lollipops every day.
Instead of adults encouraging self-pity on memories that may not even be accurate they should be counseling you on choosing what to do with your anger.
Nobody is being cruel to you I’m simply being honest. Sometimes that’s the best thing for a person.
Oh hey look you can gaslight as well as my mother, too! You’re the whole package. Goodbye. You and your bullshit are not welcome here.
Chris knows nothing about you, and you have a right to your feelings and the expression of them. I only know you as you chose to share of yourself. But I love you or the person I see and have experienced on screen and in person. I have enjoyed our meetings and find you to be a caring person. The vast majority of us here love you so those such as Chris matter not at all.
I was thinking recently about writing one of those Facebook posts where you revisit the triumphs and successes of the past year in a desperate attempt to impress your friends and family and feel like less of a complete failure.
I was reflecting on the year that was and how I did a number of things I’m proud of, including going back to therapy after an unscheduled five year break. The more that I thought about it, the more it felt like I did not do a bunch of things that I am proud of AND went back into therapy so much as I did a bunch of things that I am proud of BECAUSE I went back into therapy.
I’m proud that I realized that I needed help. I’m even prouder that I took the steps to get that help because when you live paycheck to paycheck the way I do, and money and time are perpetually in short supply, then it is very easy to give yourself permission to avoid therapy even if you realize just how much you to stand to benefit from if.
I was able to silence the counter-productive part of my brain that argues, with horrible persuasiveness, that I did not have enough time or money for therapy when other, more pressing expenses like food and shelter and my children’s educations were staring me in the face, and, for good measure, it was likely that I would never have enough time or money for therapy.
My husband has cPTSD from his abusive first wife and from his childhood and I am his lifeline and support buddy whenever he needs it, just as Anne is for you. I am so glad to be in his life, and be the person who is there for him when he is fighting the gremlins in his head. I just want to let you know it is not a burden to be his support. He is my love, my best friends, my world and I am sure Anne feels the same way. Glad you are healing and better every day. xoxo
Wil,
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, or if it’s not something you’ve heard a million times already, but I’m saying it anyway…
You are my hero.
Not because of Star Trek. Not because of Tabletop. Not because of your charitable works, or your writing pedigree, or your crusade for mental wellbeing.
You’re my hero because you’re just a really solid, down-to-earth kind of dude taking steps to fix himself, and it’s inspiring.
It’s inspiring because its who you really are. We all get to see the real Wil, because you’ve made the bold choice to let us in. Most people in your situation wouldn’t – they’d worry about image, or pedigree, or about whether or not some Producer is reading through looking for an excuse to nix candidacy for work. Not you though, because you’re awesome. You’re real.
You’ve pushed past a troubled childhood. You’ve pushed past an often toxic fan community. You’ve pushed past failed auditions, tanked projects, online vitriol, alcohol dependency, and I’m sure you’ve pushed past about a hundred other demons you’ve battled for a long time that the rest of us can’t even begin to understand. And yet here you are, still in a spotlight putting yourself out there, still pressing the fight against foes unseen.
Yes, you crack from time to time. Stress cracks things. That’s what it does. Does that make you weak, or a failure, or somehow less of a person? Absolutely not. Everybody cracks – its practically an entropic law of nature. But I know enough of you Wil – from years of reading blog posts, podcasts, memoirs, and even meeting you in person at a Con once – to know that you have both the strength and ability to push through this, like you have so many obstacles before.
I know in a year’s time, I’ll still be checking on this blog to see what you’re up to this week – maybe you’ll have moved past this, or maybe it will still be hurting you. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ll be on here because your experiences matter to me. I care about what you have to say, because you’re my hero.
I just wanted you to know that.
I don’t know if you’ll get this message or not. I am a fan of yours through the Big Bang Theory. And now have come to learn more about who you are through your blog. I appreciate you being so open and honest about what has happened to you. And at the same time I am saddened that you did not have a mother and father that could love you and hold you. And tell you how proud they are of you. I wish with all my heart I could show you what good parenting would mean to that little child. If I ever meet you, I hope that you would allow me to give you a hug and tell you how proud I am of you.
I’m loving Picard, and I absolutely love the Ready Room! I’m so glad you took that gig. I could never get into the Discovery after-show, no offense to those guys, but they were just not my cup of tea. I love how you interact with the guests and bring the best out of each of them. Entertaining and fun, but with substance. I seriously look forward to it as much as I look forward to the show itself. Thanks again.
Hi Wil, I’ve been a long time reader but first time commenting here. This post truly resonated with me. I am going through something similar. I also pushed aside a lot of my emotions to fend/survive as a child in ‘adult mode’ and it’s all surfacing now. I am working with my therapist to find the tools to cope with this all. Internally, I’ve been a weepy mess confronting the amount of anger, pain, and grief.
Sending you positive vibes and hoping your pain will ease soon. I know it sucks right now but wanted to let you know that your writings and YOU mean something. I am truly inspired that you put yourself out there on a daily basis. Also grateful to read about similar experiences from others, it helps one feel less isolated.
I’m also happy that you have a wonderful support system, it truly goes a long way. My husband and friends have been my support and safe place (my family are in denial — anything that rocks the boat is not accepted).
Thank you for sharing.
Best wishes and hope that your pain eases and that you will heal and find peace soon.