Last week, I wrote:
“Hosting Ready Room is so cool for me. I get to occupy this space as both a veteran of the Star Trek universe, part of what we’re calling Legacy Star Trek (let me tell you how old that makes me feel), while I am also a huge fan.
“It is my goal as the host of the Ready Room to bring my fellow nerds into the room where it happens, by asking questions and relating to experiences that I hope are as interesting to the audience as they are to me. This season on Ready Room, there are a couple of episodes that really landed on me in unexpected and profound ways. I chose to talk about those experiences with my guests, and the part of me that is just drowning in endless, bottomless, relentless anxiety has been screaming at me ever since that I fucked up. The rational part of me is telling that other part of me to take a deep breath and trust my instincts that it’s all okay, maybe it’s even good. But WOW am I anxious about all of it.”
Last week was one of those “couple of episodes” and this week is another. Something happened on Disco this week that landed on me in a way nothing from Star Trek (or, I think maybe anything) has before. It’s a scene that features Tilly and Burnham. It made me ugly cry in a really great way.
FULL SPOILERS FOLLOW so proceed accordingly.
As I was ugly crying, I opened a text editor, and wrote out something that I wanted to say to Mary about that scene. Here’s what I put down. This isn’t a transcript. This is my original note:
In this episode, there is a moment between Burnham and TIlly, when Tilly is telling Burnham that sh’es going back to Starfleet Academy, because that’s where she wants to be.
In that scene, Tilly says that she has been on this path to the captain’s chair for her whole life, and never really questioned that path until Disco jumped forward in time. After the jump, she realized she had been placed on that path by her mother, and that she stayed on that path not because it’s the path she wanted to walk, but because she just wanted to be seen.
That’s … basically what my mother did to me.
That moment resonated with me on a deeply meaningful, deeply personal level unlike any other in any Star Trek series. All I ever wanted in my life was to be seen by my parents, and I needed it so much, I was willing to do anything to get it, even walking a path I never wanted to walk, because that was the only time I ever felt anything close to being seen.
I guess I don’t have a good question. I just want you to know that the vulnerability you gave her in that scene was familiar to me, and it made me feel less alone. We talk a lot about representation in Star Trek, and how it matters. I am literally part of Star Trek. I did like 100 episodes of Next Generation, and this moment between Tilly and Burnham is the first time I saw myself reflected by a Star Trek character.
I know that, if I felt seen then, other people felt seen, too. And I know I’m breaking all kinds of protocol to say this, but I want you to know as an actor and as a person, how much that meant to me.
That’s a lot to lay on Mary, and in retrospect, I feel like pulling it out of my pocket was maybe not the best choice. I worried that it was too personal, that I made something about me in a way that’s not appropriate as the host of this show. I agonized over that for DAYS (anxiety spirals are great) but I told myself that, if anyone wanted it cut, we’d edit that bit out, this moment would exist between Mary and me (and the Control Room) and that would be it. I talked to my producers about it, and everyone felt that it was a lovely, honest, sincere, meaningful moment. The things I was worried about seemed to exist only in my head. I’m used to that, so I trusted their judgment and tried unsuccessfully to not worry about today and this episode dropping for the last several weeks.
Well, so far, it appears that my fears and anxieties weren’t necessary. Feedback from fans is uniformly positive, and lots of them are singling out the thing I was so worried about as being meaningful to them. That’s awesome.
I love doing Ready Room. I am doing my best, every week, to have one foot in the Legacy Veteran Star Trek Actor bucket, and the other in the Biggest Fan In The World Who Wants To Share This With My Fellow Fans bucket. And then I have a two more feet that are just trying to keep it all together so I can be a good host. It’s a lot, and without exception, I end every interview feeling relieved that I didn’t fuck everything up beyond repair by upsetting that balance. Of course, this means that I start out every interview absolutely convinced I’m going to fuck it all up, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Anyway, I’m grateful and relieved that this moment seems to have mattered to so many people, and I’m so grateful Mary gracefully and patiently listened to me, before she saw me and accepted me. That was a gift.
As always, thank you for your kind attention, and thanks for watching Ready Room.
I nodded along with Tilly when she said that, and it didn’t occur to me how much OH SNAP factor there was to it, until you started reading your note. And then I was like I JUST COMPLETELY MISSED IT HOLY CRAP and was leaking tears well before you did reading your note.
Which is a very long-winded way of saying: thank you for going there, thank you for saying what you said, thank you for taking that risk. Just because it’s not my lived experience, just because it’s not my context, doesn’t mean that it’s not really screamingly important to me. I know we don’t actually know each other, but damn, you’re a human being, and I am cheering, cheering, cheering! that you finally feel seen. <3
“The things I was worried about seemed to exist only in my head.”
Yep. This. 100%. Often. Too much. I feel ya. Right now, and forever.
I can totally relate. As always, thank you for your candor. I know that we all appreciate it. ♥️
Wil, as a (geek) fan of Star Trek, a fan of Wesley Crusher (I’m 50 so I related to you/your character most growing up), and a fan of You (in and out of Star Trek), I’d like to make my first comment on your .net to be THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU. You’re true to yourself, open and honest, and the world follows…. always has. You’re where you are now because you’re just being you. Safe to say we all see. Terrible that you didn’t feel that from your parents. So now I’m here with my first comment ever. I’ve followed you silently for decades, and figured now’s the time to say thank you, Wil Wheaton.
That was a powerful episode of Discovery, that was a powerful scene with Burnham and Tilly, and that was a REALLY powerful moment between you and Mary. I’m glad everyone on the show decided your inner anxiety was wrong and that needed to be part of The Ready Room because I needed that, too.
I love my daughter for her authentic self, so I know it’s possible for a parent to be like that with their children. There are people in my life who love me for my authentic self, so I know it’s possible for me to be loved like that. But even though I know why my father wasn’t able to accept me and love me for my authentic self (he was a narcissist and I wasn’t a reflection of him, do the math), I’ll never be able to understand why he couldn’t and didn’t see me and give me that love, even though I tried SO HARD to be seen by him like that. I know I’ve made a lot of progress away from him and what he did, but it helps to be reminded that I’m not alone.
Thank you, Wil. And thank you, Mary.
It was a beautiful moment in both the episode and The Ready Room. Knowing that something provoked such a strong reaction from you made me extra curious about the episode.
But when Tilly said the words, I gasped out loud, because it was like you’d written them. Truly, you have written them more than once over these past few years.
To the extent that it helps – we see you.
My dear Wil,
I spent 40+ years desiring to be “seen”, only to learn that what matters most is how I see myself.
I’m certain you hear it ad nauseam… our stories share so many similarities… bit you have exercised your ability to influence so well. Please never stop beating that drum of honesty.
Wil I have been a fan of you for decades. We even have a friend in common so I feel totally privledged that I’m 2 degrees from you. I love this. I had huge tears when I saw this episode just now. I love Tilly….she’s my favorite Star Trek character. Hands down, bar none. That’s huge cause I mean more than Uncle George, you, Sir Patrick, Levar, Brent Spiner….She’s my favorite: because of her imperfections. I’m rambling. I have a million things I want to say about the noble pursuit of an educator…but it just feels trite. So instead thank you Wil!
Wil congrats for the transformation!
You had me bawling like a baby there, Wil – it was a very profound moment I won’t soon forget.
What I love most about you, Wil, is how much you care – about the world, about people (all people but especially the marginalized and unseen), about not fucking up, about meaning and words and legacies. You care and you share how much you care. I hope you know that you make the world a better place by being you in the world.
“I am doing my best, every week, to have one foot in the Legacy Veteran Star Trek Actor bucket, and the other in the Biggest Fan In The World Who Wants To Share This With My Fellow Fans bucket. And then I have a two more feet that are just trying to keep it all together so I can be a good host”
Four feet.
Telling stories.
Encouraging others through your stories.
So, you’re a Centaur Bard? Nice! Roll for initiative!
Dear Wil, Thank you so much for your openness and vulnerability in the ready room this week. I often cry watching Star Trek, but this was the first time Ready Room has made me cry. You have certainly made me feel seen on so many levels from Season 1 of TNG thru today. Thank you.
Also, ISWYDT, in this week’s quiz, although not until I looked up that L class planet and rewatched The Chase. Discovery’s exploration of grief, healing, and our interconnectedness has been so awesome and meaningful this season. I hope they manage to tie in the IDIC as well. Thanks for taking us even deeper into nerd territory. With love and gratitude, Live long and prosper!
Wil, I want to thank you again for sharing this. It made me emotional in the best way. I’ve got a young boy who plays DnD and struggles occasionally with his mental health, and I feel like you are such a great influence for young men coming up in the world, about making mistakes and learning from them and how to be kind to yourself even when it’s a struggle.
Wil, thank you thank you for your absolute candor in the ready room. It is also my story. I am 62 and taking care of my 91 year old mother. A couple weeks ago she sighed and said, “What a shame, you had so much potential”. For the first time I sat up and said, “None of it is wasted, I carry every bit of it with me and use it in all I do.” I had done some extreme things in my life just trying to get her attention! Things that almost broke me. When Tilly said that line, I cried too. I’m finally free.
Dear Wil,
I have such deep love, gratitude and empathy for the wonderful human being you are. The warmth and compassion you consistently put out into the world, is greatly appreciated by me, and I am sure, many many others around the world.
I cried wet tears as I watched you share your profound and deeply personal experience with Mary. Such openness and honesty can surely never be a bad thing. It brings into sharp relief our shared humanity.
Although I live far away in Adelaide, Australia, I hope someday to have the opportunity to meet and thank you in person for all positive things you bring to the world. And if permitted, to give you a warm, heartfelt hug of appreciation.
Trust in yourself, dear man. We’ve got your back.
With love and thanks,
Chris
Star Trek fan since 1974
I sat on the couch teary eyed watching you read your note.
It was beautiful, honest and raw.
Everyone’s struggles are real and valid. They might not align, but we all have our shortcomings, anxieties and fears.
And yes this was more impactful than the scene, but it didn’t detract from it. It enhanced it.
Thank you,
I just watched this episode of Ready Room. Wil, I am so glad you have that statement. It looked like Mary appreciated it, too. Just so you know, I was crying watching it. You bring so much to your role as host. It makes Ready Room so much more than anyone else could do.
So, thank you for caring so very much and making it such a wonderful expression of all that’s great about Star Trek.
Anxiety is hard i get the same feelings with my anxiety and have come to see i probably have anxiety attacks and have had multiple it’s like a crying fit but we just have to take it slow whenever we start feel overwhelmed with an onset of anxiety take it at our own pace and all will be well 🙂 Love ya Wil!
For those of us that have spent so long suffering in our abuse in what feels like complete solitude, it means SO MUCH to be seen. And saying it out loud to the people that see us destigmatizes the abuse that we can so often feel like is our fault. It’s so important to both be seen, and acknowledge deeply the people that see us. Thank you for saying it to the person that saw you, and thank you, Wil, for seeing all of us. I see you, too; you are not alone. <3