in which I do not attempt to speak French

When I was in Montreal for Comicon, I had this idea to open my talk with a little bit of French. I’d apologize for not really knowing much French, but through the magic of Google Translate, I could say “good morning Montreal…” and a few other things. It would quickly fall apart into “my hovercraft is full of eels” territory, and we’d all have a good laugh at the stupid American.

The problem was, even though I had the computer talking to me and the words right in front of me, I couldn’t learn it, because French is hard. Then, I got worried that the audience would think maybe I was making fun of their language and culture, instead of my own. So I shelved the bit, and instead explained what I was going to do and why I didn’t do it. Very meta, Wheaton.

Oh? How nice of you to notice. Thanks.

So my talk (which I’ve learned is called a “conference” in Montreal) opened with that bit of pseudo humour, and then moved into what I thought was a really nice discussion about gaming and how much I love being a nerd.

At one point — and I can’t remember how exactly it came up — I mentioned something about the Stanley Cup, which turned into something about how 1993 was soooooo long ago*, which turned into something about the Maple Leafs**.

I engaged in some good-natured gloating about my beloved Los Angeles Kings being the Stanley Cup champions, and when 1500 people rightfully booed and hollered at me, here was my response:

Yes! Yes! Give in to your hatred!

“Yes! Yes! Your tears taste so good!” I declared. Then, we all had a good laugh together.

As the moment passed, I realized that I had made a careful and deliberate choice to not insult the audience’s language and culture … so I insulted their religion instead.

Post updated to include link to an audience recording of my talk.

Oops.***

*That’s when the Habs beat the Kings in the Finals

** If you don’t know why that’s funny, just forget it. You’re probably not a hockey fan and explaining it to you would only bore you and annoy the pig.

*** GO KINGS!

In which Rock Paper Scissors is played at the Montreal Comicon

Yesterday at the Montreal Comicon, a guy asked me if I would play Rock, Paper, Scissors with him. Of course I said yes.

I read him as a paper guy, so when we counted to three, I went scissors. He held up three fingers.

“What the hell is that?!” I may have almost shouted, every fibre of my being offended by the deviation from accepted Rock, Paper, Scissors norms.

“That’s the W,” he said. “It means that you automatically win.”

Just as quickly, I abandoned my blind adherence to the aforementioned norms, thrust my arms into the sky in the universal pose of victory, and made shouty noises about how I was so great.

But then … then … then it got awesome. He pulled a roll of duct tape out of his backpack, and he wrote my name on a piece of the tape, just like I do at the end of every episode of Tabletop . He held it out to me and said, “Now, for the rest of the day, everyone who sees you will know that your name is Wil, and you’re a winner.” (Just like I do at the end of each episode of Tabletop).

I shouted again, jumped out of my chair and asked him to take a picture with me, and then shouted some more.

I’m incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful that people care at all about the things I make, and it never fails to blow my mind that so many people, like this guy, do awesome things inspired by the stuff I do.

The picture below is me, wearing my winner’s tape, sitting in the Montreal airport while I wait for my flight home to board.

I’m sure this will be a FAQ, so: I am wearing my Bobak Ferdowsi “NASA Mohawk Guy Fan Club” T-shirt. It is awesome.

2012 Montreal Comicon – Day Two

“Will my talk be moderated, or am I setting the agenda?” I asked Dan, my convention liaison, as we got ready to head across the show floor to the theater were I’d be speaking.

He told me that I wasn’t moderated, and I could spend the hour however I wanted. I grabbed a copy of Sunken Treasure off my table and began putting together my mental setlist.

When we got into the theater, the Munchkin episode of Tabletop was playing on giant screens. About a thousand people were watching it while more people filled the remaining seats.

I’m not going to lie, Marge: seeing my show on a screen, ten feet tall and luminous, was awesome.

While I waited to go on stage, I looked through the book in my hands. I love the stories I put in there, but none of them really felt right. I cursed my damn brain for forgetting to remind me to remember to bring my iPad to the con, so I had access to the complete works of me,  Wil Wheaton, to choose from.

I looked up at the back of the screen, and saw myself playing games with my friends … and I knew exactly what I’d talk about.

When I was introduced, I walked out to a wonderful audience that made me feel like I was playing for the home team the entire time I was out there, even when I teased all of Canada about my Los Angeles Kings having the Stanley Cup. It was a great hour, where I spent about half talking about why I created Tabletop, and why gaming is so important to me. The second half I spent taking questions from the audience, talking about things from Sparks McGee to Stand By Me.

Even though I’m supremely jet lagged, and my scumbag brain has woke me up in the middle of the night and kept me awake for an hour two nights in a row that I’ve been here, I felt invigorated and damn good when I walked off that stage.

I know the talk was filmed and recorded. I hope it shows up online.

This is where I’d put a clever segue, if I wasn’t so fucking deliriously tired. Here are some pictures I took yesterday at the convention:

This adorable drawing was done by this adorable lady.

I made some more custom Cards Against Humanity cards:

I ran into two of my favourite people, and their booking agent photobombed us.

When someone asks you to sign a poster of the cast of Firefly, YOU! SAY! YES!

And then you sign right across Nathan Fillion’s junk.

So the the face I think I’m making is “oh my god this is so cute!” But it turns out that the face I’m actually making is Overly Attached Wil Wheaton.

The day ended with a game of Settlers of Catan. I started out fairly well, and then got trapped against the coast with 6 points. Luckily, I was able to build out toward the center of the board, get another city, and WIN THE FUCKING GAME with largest army and longest road.

I got so excited, I jumped up onto my chair, and nearly fell off the damn thing. I know the entire game was filmed by some guys, and I assume it will get online at some point. I’m red, if you want to try to put it all together. We’re playing on a beautiful, giant board.

I ended the day having a local beer (Maudite by Unibroue) with my friend Sam Witwer, who it turns out is on location in Montreal.

In about an hour, I’ll check out of my hotel and go back to the con for the final day. If the previous two days are any indication, it’s going to be great.

2012 Montreal Comicon – Day One

A few pictures from Day One of Montreal Comicon, for your entertainment:

The Millenium Falcon I always wanted

If you’ve read my story Blue Light Special, you know how much I wish I’d been able to save up for one of these.

In fact, I made a stupid cell phone video to go with this picture:

This con is filled with awesome artwork and things made by people instead of machines. Today, I bought a d20 keychain for Ryan, and a Batman light switch plate for my nephew, who would be named Batman if my sister had listened to me. I’ll try to get some pictures of some of those things tomorrow.

Until then, here’s a couple of awesome things I saw at my table when I was signing things and meeting people:

Bat'letH Earring

The best part of this is the next picture. The second best part of this is that I knew how to spell bat’letH from memory.

So this lady was really nice, and I didn’t want to hassle her too much, but I couldn’t get my camera to focus correctly when I was trying to take the picture on her face (while cropping out most of her because not everyone wants their face seen by millions of people on some nerd’s blog, you know). She’d brought this comic for me to sign, though, so I knew exactly what needed to happen:

Wesley's one bat'letH-wearing rebel.

I’m pretty sure that this is going into my Sparks McGee headcanon.

There was this print, which was done by a local artist called Kanthara:

Lost Bet by Kanthara

Big Bang Theory is even more popular here in Canada than it is in America, and almost as popular as it is in Australia. I got to talk to a lot of kids who love it, and the FAQ of the day was “Will you do more episodes?” The answer is, “if they ask me, I will say ‘yes.'”

I also had a wonderful discussion with some college students who wanted to talk about getting treatment for Depression after they read my post via Reddit. I’m so glad that I decided to speak publicly about it, and how I deal with it, because when they left my table, I felt like I’d helped a guy make a decision to get help for himself so he didn’t have to suffer any more. I sincerely hope that he’s not the only one.

Finally, I made a pair of custom Cards Against Humanity cards.

I got the question pretty quickly, but I couldn’t come up with an answer card, so I asked her who her favourite celebrity was:

I had to remind her, “you asked me to do this.” She seemed okay with it.

 

pushed up above the leaves

The plane shuddered and then rocked — not violently, but severely — from side to side. Water splashed up and out of my glass. The seatbelt light came on, and the captain announced that we were in some moderate turbulence.

I took a deep breath, put my faith in science and aeronautical engineering, and made sure my seatbelt was fastened. So it went from the Rocky Mountains to Lake Michigan. To tune it out as much as possible, I worked on the second draft of the comic script I wrote before PAX. When I finished that, I opened up a new document and worked out the page beats for six short comic stories that I’ve been playing around with in the back of my mind for about a year.

It was a very productive flight, and I was so focused on being A Writer, I didn’t even realize that the turbulence had stopped, or for how long the air had been smooth.

I grabbed the flight attendant’s attention and asked for some more water. When he walked toward the front of the cabin, I got my first good look at the man in seat 1B, across the aisle and one row ahead of me.

I … I think that’s Ray Gideon, I thought.

Ray wrote Stand By Me with Bruce Evans. The last time I saw him was on my 25th birthday at my parents house.

He looks like Ray, but a little olde– then I realized that, yes we probably would have aged at the same universal constant rate of time.

I unfastened my seatbelt, took off my headphones, and walked up to him.

“Excuse me,” I said, “did you write Stand By Me?”

He looked up at me, and I knew it was him before he answered.

“Yes, I did,” he began.

“I love that movie so much,” I said with a smile. I paused for a second as he smiled back at me. “I was Gordie in that movie,” I added.

I watched his brain try to match up the way I look now with the way I looked when I was twenty-five, and the way I looked when I was thirteen.

“Oh my God! Wil!” He burst out of his seat and wrapped me in a joyful hug.

“I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure and … man, I am so happy to see you!”

He held me at arm’s length, the way a parent does, and looked at me.

“I didn’t recognize you at all! You’re so … the beard and …”

We laughed together, and for the next hour or so, caught up on our lives. By the time we began our descent into Montreal, we’d traded numbers and planned to get together when we got back to Los Angeles.

As I walked out of the airport and toward the arrival lounge to meet my convention liaison, I reflected on the conversation Ray and I had on the plane. I told him about marrying Anne, raising the boys, adopting Ryan, and getting both Ryan and Nolan successfully through school and into the beginnings of happy and healthy adult lives. It’s never easy raising a family, but it was extra hard for me because of the relentless legal and emotional assaults from Anne’s ex-husband during their entire childhoods. But when it got really rough, I strapped in, focused on what was important during the turbulence, and eventually learned to ignore the annoying and nauseating things outside that I couldn’t control.

I focused on what was important, what was right in front of me, and when that plane landed, the rough air was barely a memory.

I cleared customs and found my con liaison.

“How was your flight?” He said.

“A little rough in places, but not bad,” I said.

Not bad at all.