screw you, q. coffee is for closers.

I'm editing Memories of the Future, and … well, this bit from Hide & Q made me laugh:

Riker explains that, even though he's pretty much a golden god, he's still the same old lovable Riker they've known for ten episodes, and to show them how totally awesome he is, he's going to give some gifts to his friends.

He starts with Wesley (who he claims to know best of all, because of their friendship and long talks, and that one time Wesley brought his friend Dudley into Riker's bike shop.) Riker gives Wesley his greatest wish: the gift of being ten years older, turning him into a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat (coincidentally, having a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat to play with was the costume designer's greatest wish, as well.) Riker then turns to Data, but before he can turn Data into a real boy (a barrel-chested, blond-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat, no doubt) Data tells him that it would just be an illusion, and declines. Undeterred, Riker gives Geordi his sight, takes the banana clip off his face, and tells him that he doesn't have to answer to "Toby" any more . . . but Geordi also declines, so Riker turns his attention to Worf, giving him a Klingon whore who snarls and bares her teeth, which is apparently sexy by Klingon standards. Worf doesn't want the K'lap, so he gives his gift back too, followed by Wesley, then Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion.

It was so silly, Jonathan Frakes referenced this scene constantly. He cracked me up every single time I'd walk into a scene and he'd say to some unsuspecting guest star, "Ah, it's my good friend Wesley, who I know so well from all of our long talks, screenings of gladiator films, and visits to Turkish prisons."

Working on this book reminds me of how ridiculous most of the first season was, but it also reminds me how fun it was, and how much I love those guys.

clearly, my plan to kill it with beer isn’t working

Me: Hey, I have to get up at 6am to be on TV.

My Brain: Yeah, I saw that.

Me: So it’d be awesome if you’d, uh …

My Brain: If I’d what?

Me: If you’d, you know, just be quiet for seven hours or so. Just stop cranking out story ideas and stuff and let me get some sleep. We can get back to writing all these awesome things tomorrow when we get back from the studio.

My Brain: Well … I’ll think about it.

Me: Yeah, you see, that’s kind of the problem…

i’m getting as sick of announcements as you are, so here’s some more announcements

I’m not thrilled that my blog has recently been filled with announcements instead of original content, but that’s sort of the way things are shaking out in my life right now. It’s not bad, because I’m incredibly busy and working on awesome crazy ideas, but I feel like I’m kind of neglecting something that’s important to me. I’ve never intended for my blog to be a purely promotional outlet, but these things I’ve been mentioning are important to me, so there you go.

Anyway, to celebrate this, have some more announcements:

Tomorrow morning, I’ll be on the KTLA Morning News in Los Angeles to talk about the LA Times Festival of Books this weekend. I’ll be on between 7 and 8 in the morning, if you’re local and want to tune in.

Friday night, I’m performing at the LA Weekly’s LA Weekend. I’m doing a reading and a book signing at 7:30pm at the Montalban Theater in Hollywood. Here’s the best part: admission is entirely FREE, so everyone who is local can come out and see me perform a couple of my favorite stories. FOR FREE. Also: Henry Rollins, one of the guys who inspired me to become a writer, will be there. Oh. Em. Gee.

Saturday, I’m appearing at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books. I’m on a panel about social media in Franz 1178 at 10:30am that I understand is already sold out, but I’ll be doing a book signing as soon as it’s over. Seriously, folks, if you’re in town, you should really come out to UCLA this weekend, because it’s just sensational. Also: Charlie Huston will be there. Oh. Em. Gee.

my shirt.woot fails its saving throw

I don’t know why, but Woot never e-mailed me to tell me that my shirt design was going into the Reckoning, and it slipped to number 22 when I wasn’t looking. I was told that I’d get fair warning before it was in danger of being Reckoned, and I’m pretty pissed that that didn’t happen. In fact, I’m so upset that nobody bothered to warn me about this after I was told they would, I better not say anything else that I’ll eventually regret.

Anyway, the bottom line is: I guess that means that my How We Roll T-shirt will go away and never be available again after midnight Central time tonight, so if you wanted to buy one, this truly is your last chance.

Geek in Review: As a Matter of Fact, I Have Played Atari Today

As promised yesterday, this month’s Geek in Review stands entirely on its own, but also goes well (if I do say so myself) with this week’s LA Daily.

As a matter of fact, I have played Atari today

“You’re the undisputed master of Combat,” I told my son. “As your reward, you get to watch me play Adventure.”

I flipped switches on the Flashback II, and was soon on my way to collect the various items required to complete my quest.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, that’s my sword,” I said, pushing my little box against an arrow-shaped icon.

“What do you use it for?”

“Slaying Dragons!” I said, as I entered a once-simple maze of passages that the passage of time had made as vexing as it was when I was eight.

“You realize you’ve gone into that dead end five times, right?”

“Quiet you. This is how we did it back in the 80s.”

“You ran into the same dead end over and over again?”

“Yes, it was part of Reganomics.”

I finally found my way out of the maze, and approached a castle, anxious to impress Nolan by grabbing the chalice within. That’s when the dragon showed up.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s a dragon, of course,” I said, holding the joystick out in front of me like I always did, convinced that if I moved it around, it would help me escape faster. That’s when the dragon ate me.

“This is really what you guys did for fun?”

“Well, there was this, and we’d occasionally fend off Indian attacks when we weren’t Dinosaurizing our caves, yeah.”

I say this every time I link to my Geek in Review, but I know the one time I don’t, someone’s going to lose their shit at me: my column and the newswire are Safe For Work. The rest of the site is delightfully NOT SAFE FOR WORK. If you just stay at the news page, you don’t have to worry about encountering anything naughty, but the logs aren’t going to know that, and you may have a hard time convincing your IT guys that you were just reading it for the articles.