Rumble in the Jungle

Over at FARK, they are discussing who would win in a fight if it was Wesley vs. Annikin Skywalker.
The debate started here.
I spent some time thinking about it…read more to see what I came up with…

Well, the way I see it, you’ve got two possible scenarios here:
1. Annie and The Weas agree to fight it out, without the benefit of The Force or The Traveller’s Mystical Thingy, on some neutral planet. They fight it out, WWF-style, and The Weas wins, when Hulk Hogan (circa 1980) runs into the ring, and flattens Annie with an Atomic Leg Drop. So really, it was the Hulkster who beat Annie, but later on, at King of the Ring, The Weas denounces Hulkamania, and Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan force The Weasel into retirement, so, in essence, both Annie and The Weas lose, which I think is the best outcome here.
2. Annie and The Weas start fighting, realize that they have more in common than not, and they team up against France. You know the rest.

83 thoughts on “Rumble in the Jungle”

  1. Depends on where the fight took place.
    In a TNG setting the viewers would have never seen the fight; maybe just a scene with wesley with some bruises, etc. Then a scene or two with wesley talking to data or Laforge and then a Scene with a concerned Dr Crusher and Picard, then a scene with wesley and a stern Picard, then wesley would have ended up making some mature decision and then a corny epilog.
    If it was in a Star Wars Setting Lucas & the Corporate McDonalds folks would have to workshop it and do some market studies and it would end up being all comupter generated special effects.
    In a nuetral setting wil gets his ass kicked every time.

  2. Hmm… Wesley would stop time, scan Vadar with his tricorder, discover Vader’s really really high mitichloridanwhatisfaceian count, run down to sick bay, synthesize mitichloridanwhatisfaceians, jack himself up to twice what Vadar has, restart time and proceed to bounce Asthesma Boy all over the place.
    Then, just before killing Vader, Wesley would have a change of heart and both of them will decide to kill Jar Jar Binks instead.
    Afterwards, they would retire to that cool Irish pub from the movie “The Quiet Man” and drink a couple of pints of the local stout (with Vader drinking from a straw stuck through his mouth grill), after which Vader would get really drunk, kill John Wayne by mistake and wind up sleeping with Maureen O’Hare. She gets pregnant, and nine months later, gives birth to Wesley. Vader calls up Wesley from Ireland, and says, “What the fark? I guess I’m your father after all.”
    Meanwhile Amidala has to apply for Aid for Families with Dependent Children back on Tatooine and Luke and Leia turn into starving children who are saved by Sally Struthers, but that’s another story.

  3. Man..I stumbled on to this site because another site was picking on an auction on eBay Wil Wheaton bid on (some silly picture of a guy with a big pickle hat). I can’t believe I have sat here for 2 hours reading all this stuff…I enjoy the humor on this site..I will be around more to check it out. I am unfortunately ill-equipped to come up with an opinion on this topic. I never liked Star Trek The Next Generation (although I have watched almost all the episodes at one time or another).
    As far as “Stand By Me” goes…I liked it a would have been better if Corey Feldman wasn’t in it. Anyone here get a load of the eyebrow job he had done for the “Tales from the Crypt” movie? Man..I still have nightmares over that one! It reminds me of little old french ladies who shave their eyebrows off, then pencil them back in to resemble a question mark.
    ROCK ON Wil..I dig the site! That alone makes me a little bit of a fan! Keep up the great work!

  4. a. offers w. some potato chips. once w. reaches for the bag, a. grabs his arm and BAM suddenly he’s bantha fodder. we’ve got to remember that the dark side is strong in this one.

  5. Wes and Anni both get ready to fight it out in a large room filled with a members of the Anti-Annoying-Kids-On-TV/Movies Club booing them on. Suddenly, Warf and Obi Wan, hearing spoilers on the net that the Twerps might get more air time in the ext movies then themselves, storm in and blast both Anni and Wes into steaming piles of smeg. And The Crowd Goes Wild.
    Wil and Lloyd then Thank their Saviors for freeing them from their restrictive and hated rolls and join together to build a line of Homoerotic Droids. Obi and Warf now star in the rest of their respective movie series.
    Everyone Comes Out Happy. 😉

  6. Ahh … if Colin’s suggestion about every public figure being required to keep a blog came true, I for one would never be able to able to live offline again! Wil’s here, I mean Mr. Wheaton’s (SIR!) is addicting enough. Still, a worthy proposal.
    Anakin vs. Wesley? I don’t know; I’m so out-of-it that I’ve never even seen “Phantom Menace”, but didn’t they call that kid “Mannequin”? Based on the trailer for whatever that next one is, with the suddenly-ten-years-older Anakin mumbling emotionlessly to the looks-the-same-age
    Amidala, the nickname is appropriate. So I would want Wesley to win, because Anakin looks like a human sleeping pill and Wesley is just … Wesley. (He has a more appropriate surname, too.)

  7. “Hmmm… about Judge Judy, Anne from The Weakest Link, and Miss Cleo all going at it in a three-way? (No, not THAT kind of three-way, people!) *shudders*”
    Miss Cleo would be dog meat in 2 seconds… then the fight would be between Judy & Anne. I think Judy is really kind-hearted, just tough. Anne seems like an abrasive bitch. Anne’d knock Judy upside the head with her own gavel then step on her face while she’s down, thus, winning the battle.

  8. I had to think about this for a second. So without the Traveler powers, everyone knows Wesley is a 98lb weakling and a four year old can whack him, no less a badass 6 year old street-smart slave like Annakin.
    But then, upon further reflection, if Wes gets started on the theories behind the Warp architecture on Enterprise, everyone, including the audience, will have their eyeballs roll into the back of their heads, and keel over, deader than Enron.
    In the real world, if Wheaton can’t kick Lloyd’s ass, then he’s the biggest loser this side of Lindh.

  9. Was huge fan of Wesley as a 12 year old, but have to say that I think Skywalker would kick his ass, even considering the age difference. Wesley is like 14, and Skywalker is what, 8 or 9?

  10. depends…is it pre traveller wesley or not? if its pre i’d say lil skywalker because of the force.after well id say wes would wipe n space(a little doctor who refrence)with skywalker.

  11. I think Weas could take Annie pretty easily, but what would happen is Weas would be accidentally defeated by Annie due to an unexplainably odd number of accidents caused by Annie in an aloof state.

  12. I still think we need the Ultimate Warrior and/or the Macho Man somewhere in the Wes vs. Annie mix.
    This, of course, also DATES how long I’ve been watching Wrestling. o.O

  13. And Spudnuts…
    I think Teddy Duchamp would win…hands down. I mean, seriously, the kid had his ear burned off on a stove element, and he also had all that training from his Dad (Who stormed the beach in Normandy).
    But it wouldn’t be a fist fight…oh no….it would be a sarcasm, who-can-come-up-with-the-best-insult fight.
    Just my two cents mind you.
    P.S. Think it’s time to watch ‘Stand By Me’ again. Great story.

  14. It’s good to see that some of you are learning to give Mr. Wheaton (SIR!) the proper respect he deserves. Keep it up.
    It is horribly disappointing, however, that even one of you believes that Anakin Skywalker (originally Anakin Starkiller, but that’s an entirely different rant) could even touch Wesley Crusher. Crusher has Traveller powers. Freeze time, instantaneously teleport through space, etc., etc., etc. Anakin, even at the top of his game, got his ass smacked by that whining bitch Luke.
    Bad-ass-ness instantly becomes irrelevant. Anakin would lose, period.

  15. Anakin does a heel turn and stomps a mudhole in Babyface Wesley, leaving him a bloody, unconcious mess. BLADE, WESLEY, BLADE. Setting up the Superbowl halftime no DQ steel cage rematch to be refereed by Judge Judy .

  16. Teddy DuChamp would definetly win! anyone the played in Stand By Me would! Thats like the greatest movie in the world! Plus he’s tougher than the other guy – with the burnt off ear and the tough dad and everything.

  17. omg, of course Teddy DuChamp would win! i kno he’s a geek, but i agree w/ jessi, lets face it, ne1 in Stand by me would win! they could knick ne1’s @$$!

  18. Sorry Wes (or as some call him, cool Uncle Willie), but Anakin would layeth a Jedi-style smackdown upon your ass.. If for no other reason than misspelling his name..

  19. Hey wil, long time listener, first time caller… er, poster. I just thought I’d chime in on this debate with something that reinforces someone’s previous statement on why Wesley would beat Anakin, even with The Force(tm).
    I refer you to Star Trek (the original series), specifically an episode called Plato’s Stepchildren. These Greek people on an alien planet get big psychic powers due to something in their blood, and so Bones synthesizes the chemical and gives Kirk et al twice the strength of the strongest of the aliens. That’s what I first thought of when Lucas came up with the midichlorian thing.
    Armed with this information, I think it’s obvious that Wesley will scan Anakin, figure out what gives him his power, and make himself the most powerful Jedi ever. Then he’d crush Anakin like a bug, and subsequently go mad with power, taking over the Federation and killing everyone that ever said “Shut up, Wesley.”
    And with that bit of geekery, I depart.

  20. Tonights main event is scheduled for one fall. Introducing Wesley ‘The Traveller’ Crusher and his opponent Anakin ‘The Force is Strong in Me’ Skywalker.
    Your special guest referee for tonight is the one and only Sauron Lord of Mordor.
    *Burning eye appears high above the ring*
    Anakin makes the opening move, the ‘Jedi Ranged Choke Hold’ and draws his lightsabre.
    Wesley clutches at his throat feebly making splut-splut noises as a grinning Anakin advances.
    “Any last words?” he says raising his lightsaber.
    “Physical existance is so limiting don’t you think.” replies Wes casually as the scene changes.
    Suddenly Anakin finds himself atop the Eiffel Tower with only Wes’s fading Cheshire Cat grin in front of him. Oh and what appears to be every Starship phasor array in the Federation.
    He brings the Ligtsaber around to try and deflect the fire… It kinda works.
    Wes reappears back in the ring just before a strip of Anakin the same dimensions as a lightsaber blade flops to the canvas.
    One quick pin later its all over…

  21. What a lot of folks are missing is that Luke beat Anakin.
    And Luke was a whiny, always-state-the-obvious kid in his late teens who was thrown head-first into his training.
    Sound familiar?
    Exactly. Wesley gets the win.
    BTW, Wil, I love the site. You’re funny as hell and a great guy. I think I’m gonna make WWDN my home page. :)

  22. Wes would win. With his killer looks, who could stand to fight him. Powers or no powers! Wes is to die for! It would be way cool to see though. So what are you wearing SIR Wes? ST uniform?

  23. I think Anakin wouldn’t waste his time on Wesley like anyone (he does get points for being cute) would so I’d see a forefit as the result.
    It’s nice that you’s lot put so much effort into this, glad there’s still some people left that haven’t been bitten by the corporate bug.

  24. Jerry,
    It’s nice to know that I have a growing group of people who repeat me. So long as there aren’t too many of you, it’s ok. Don’t let too many people join the new “cool” crowd though, or it won’t be anywhere near as indie and revolutionary as it is right now!

  25. Hey I cant beleave it I can talk online with my favorit actor on startrek. I love startrek so much and was put down when you left the series.
    Well I know that you post back to alot of people around the world so I wont take up to much of your time but I just wanted to say hi and that you are my #1 actor. thats all.

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