Two Charity Auctions to Benefit the Pasadena Humane Society

Today, I spent a lot of time in the hot garage, working on Operation Get The Bullshit Out Of The Garage.

While I was in there, I found a lot of things things I just don’t need and can’t believe I’ve held onto for so many years. I may have lamented that I would probably qualify as a hoarder, if those goddamn TV Hoarders hadn’t wrecked the curve.

But I did find a few things that are wonderful, and would make for a nice charity auction. I also found a dented ping pong ball, but more on that in a minute.

The first thing I came across was this old DVD copy of Stand By Me.

I thought that it might be cool to autograph this and auction it on eBay, giving all the money to the Pasadena Humane Society, via our Wiggle Waggle Walk team (which is cleverly named Team Wheaton).

So I went ahead and did that. I set the minimum bid at $20, and went back to the garage, hoping that it would maybe get up to $100 in three days.

While cleaning out my garage to make room for my homebrewing and tabletop gaming supplies, I came across this old DVD of Stand By Me. There’s nothing special about it, except that it comes from my personal collection, and it lived in my garage for a few years. I mean, it’s probably seen some things, man.


It’s in perfect condition (it was in a sealed box with some books), and I will personally autograph it to the winning bidder.

All the money I receive from this auction will be given to my Wiggle Waggle Walk team, to support the Pasadena Humane Society.

For information on the Wiggle Waggle Walk, you can see my page here

For confirmation that this is legit and not a scam, here’s the post I made on Twitter announcing this auction.

Um. About that. It’s currently at $625.

That’s pretty awesome, and I’m really excited that someone is going to get us that much closer to our fundraising goal. I’m also going to throw in a signed copy of Different Seasons from the mid-80s, which features Stand By Me on the cover.

Now, about that ping pong ball.

It’s best to experience that by looking at the original post I made on Twitter about it. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Oh! Wait! I can embed the tweet! Neat! Check it out:

So anyway, when I announced the DVD auction, a bunch of people — like, a huge bunch of people — asked for me to auction off the ping pong ball.

So I set that auction up, too. The only probablem was, the DVD took me past my monthly limit of $500, so I had to confirm or verify or whatever myself to get my selling limit increased. The call went something like this:

Me: Hi, I need to increase my limit.

eBay Rep: Sure. Why?

Me: Because the DVD I auctioned went for over 500 dollars and I now I can’t auction off this dented ping pong ball.

eBay Rep: …

Me: Yeah.

eBay Rep: Well, let me ask you a whole bunch of questions that you can’t repeat on the Internet because holy shit would that make it easy to steal your identity.

Me: Do your worst, lady.

Then, after questions, answers, and some delightful hold music :

eBay Rep: Okay, you’ve been verified and now you can sell up to $3500 a month.

Me: DUDE THAT IS SO MANY DENTED PING PONG BALLS.

eBay Rep: I’m going to hang up now.

Please note that the call may not have gone precisely like that.

So I put up the auction, which looks something like this:

A crappy dented ping pong ball I found in my garage and made popular on twitter

This beautiful ping pong ball is almost completely caved in on one side, providing an exquisite, built-in stand to properly display the smaller dent that runs across the other side.

This particular ping pong ball, named Silas, was used in many games of ping pong. It also delighted no less than two cats when dropped on a hardwood floor. Silas was the one ping pong ball in the box that all the other balls made fun of, because he had a name they didn’t understand and he liked to read books instead of going to parties — what the hell is wrong with those other balls? Not everybody likes to go to parties, okay, mom? Maybe I just want to sit in my room and read the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy and maybe look at some dirty pictures on the internet when I’m done. GOSH!

But now the joke is on the other balls in the box, because nobody remembers them or even cares where they are, and now Silas is Internet Famous for, like, maybe two whole days.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS: THIS PING PONG BALL WILL NOT OPERATE IN A GAME OF PING PONG. THIS BALL WILL NOT BOUNCE OR RESPOND TO A PADDLE IN THE USUAL MANNER.

This ping pong ball is probably worth less than the cost of shipping. You will probably laugh a gerat deal when you place your bid, but will likely have the worst case of buyer’s remorse since that one celebrity wedding. Yeah, that’s the one I’m talking about. You’re probably going to feel like that, without all the attention and free drinks that come between the closing of the deal, and the overwhelming regret.

HOWEVER. This ping pong ball will be placed into a lovely padded envelope, perfectly suitable for opening, and it will be shipped to the buyer’s address with my compliments. You will open it, and you will probably say to yourself, “Well, crap. Now I have this stupid ping pong ball that I have to deal with. I suppose I’ll build an expensive display case to show it off at dinner parties.” And then you’ll invest lots of time and money to get that display case, money which could have been spent on whisky or many yards of colorful ribbons to braid together into a whimsical belt. Also, you need to learn to juggle, because it’s a useful skill that doesn’t impress many people, but WOAH is it satisfying when you throw torches around and don’t catch yourself on fire.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO JUGGLE TORCHES UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED BY A PROFESSIONAL JUGGLER. A PROFESSIONAL JUGGLER CAN BE IDENTIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING:

 

  1. Is wearing a jaunty hat, of many colors.
  2. Asks you for money.
  3. Arrives and departs on a unicycle.
  4. Is profoundly offended by this list.

ALL OTHER SO-CALLED JUGGLERS ARE MERELY ENTHUSIASTS, NOT PROFESSIONALS. DO NOT TRUST THEIR TRAINING.

 

Now, back to the truly important thing, here: All money raised in this auction will be donated to the Pasadena Humane Society’s Wiggle Waggle Walk, specifically to Team Wheaton.

 

Shipping is free, because it seems silly for you to pay more in shipping than Silas is worth. But don’t tell him I said that, or his feelings will be hurt, and Silas has suffered enough. Please give him a good home. Think of the children.

I don’t even.. I mean, I can’t… okay, in under 30 minutes, the crappy dented ping-pong ball named Silas is selling for $500.

I’m not going to lie, Marge, it will delight me if the ping pong ball sells for more than the DVD. Because of reasons.

Oh, and if all of this isn’t enough, Anne has offered to #VandalEyes Silas, if the winner wants her to:

As Andrew said on Twitter: “This is the weirdest episode of Storage Wars I’ve ever seen.”

Yep. This is one of those days when I love the Internet.

70 thoughts on “Two Charity Auctions to Benefit the Pasadena Humane Society”

  1. Oh, internet! <3 This is so awesome.
    As someone who has both worked at an animal shelter and is currently fostering a ridiculously cute puppy for a local shelter, thanks for all the good work. :)

  2. I wish I could clear out my junk, put it on ebay and get that much for a worthwhile charity.
    Nevertheless, as I’m in the UK, I will take this as an incentive and donate to a local animal rescue charity.

  3. I clicked on the DVD link earlier today and saw it was at $560 bucks and thought, shucks, can’t afford that. Then later in the day I thought, ha… maybe I could afford it if he auctioned off the ping pong ball. Then I come here. Seriously, internet? I love you, Internet.

  4. There really are no words for how incredibly hard I love this whole situation. I wish I had a couple thousand dollars just lying around to throw down on this. I guess I shall instead have to content myself with the knowledge that I am not alone in my easily amusedness, nor in my love for random things, especially if they’re for a good cause.

  5. Just checked a moment ago, and you’re up to over a THOUSAND DOLLARS for Silas. The awesome display case should include a spider web in the corner that spells out “SOME PING”.

  6. Wil, I think these auctions are a great idea. I would like to remind everyone that their local animal shelter also needs donations & doesn’t have the luxury of Wil Wheaton’s voice to advocate for them. I propose this instead: for every dollar we donate to Pasadena, we give a matching amount to our local shelter who also deserves our love and support.

      1. Level 12 monster in Munchkin Attracts other monsters to come and recklessly play. Search through discard pile until you find two monsters and put them into the battle
        Bad stuff: Loose one level from laughing at the cuteness. Loose one small item.
        800 Gold

  7. You’ve become a very skilled and funny writer, Wheaton. You hit all the notes and I could hear the whole thing in your voice. Because you’re working deep in nerd culture it would be easy to kinda-sorta write this way and sound derivative, but you sound like no one but yourself.

  8. Could there be a better post to put an introductory comment on? I hope the winner of the auction creates a Twitter account and posts of Silus’s adventures.

  9. eBay has helpfully included a ‘Have one to sell? Sell it yourself.’ link on the ping pong ball auction.

    Which I realize is standard, and all, but man, if people take this auction at face value they are going to be sorely disappointed, and out some major listing fees, when they discover how much *their* dented ping pong balls are *not* worth.

  10. … and things like this are why I love the internet. There’s still time left, but a dented, VandalEyes-d ping pong ball is selling for more than an autographed DVD. And all of it goes to the humane society. Win all around.

  11. It takes a very special person to do celebrity right…clearly you are one of those people. What a treat finding things others would throw away and making them really count. Animal shelters seem to have bore the brunt of what happened to our economy from 2004-2008, not just in the amount of animals received, but the amount of people who don’t have the same amount to give to support them. Bless you for using your superpowers for good (even if you DO like your acting gigs to be a little less on the side of light). ;-)

  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Will Wheaton, for making me laugh. I needed that. I hope you make gazillions of dollars for the humane society. You may be “Just a Guy,” but you’re a guy who can do good in the world. I like that.

  13. OMG. Best post evar. Kickass amounts of moolah raised for an awesome cause, and hilarious story time for everybody! Kudos to you, good sir. You may have all my internets.

  14. $1,135.00 is the going price for Silas right now.

    I am reminded of a an old Garfield comic that has graced a bulletin board in my parent’s home since 1980 something. Jon walks in with a box and pulls out a giant hideous cowboy hat and puts it on, Garfield wryly says “It’s amazing the things people would rather have than money”.

    Now that being said, this is for a good cause, so spend, Spend SPEND!!!

  15. I keep scrolling up to the picture of Silas with eyes on an bursting into fresh gales of laughter. This may be the coffee and sleep-deprivation, but either way, you and your ping pong ball have sent me from abject despair to hysterical joy in one post. Thanks :)

    (Also awesome that there’s a serious good thing coming out of the funny too.)

  16. I am so glad that the internet has a sense of humor. It is just awesome that Wil put up with our craziness and setup auctions for a dented ping pong ball. Since I as well couldn’t afford a dented ping pong ball, I ended up posting an auction for Bob. Now, at least one more person will be able to afford a dented ping pong ball and have a memento of this crazy day. http://www.ebay.com/itm/A-crappy-replica-of-a-crappy-dented-ping-pong-ball-/120984470295?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1c2b3c8317

  17. Stand By Me is at $800.00 (perhaps a #vandaleyes is in order?) and…well…’A crappy dented ping pong ball I found in my garage and made popular on twitter’ is sitting pretty at $1,135.00 …wow.

  18. Hot Garage Wars: after Dave bids up the price, Yuuuuup!; Jarrod bids way more than Brandi told him he could, and gets dirty looks for his trouble; Barry bids it way up because he thought he saw an antique very unique one-of-a-kind do-dad in the back; then Darrell swoops in trying to stick it to Dave, but instead gets stuck with him himself.

    Darrell: Alright, let’s quickly see if I got something to break even.
    Darrell’s Son: Yeah, can’t wait to find out the ‘wow factor’ in this one!
    Darrell: Look son, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel – you never know what you’re gonna get!
    (sometime later, going through all of Wil’s old crap)
    Darrell: I hate to admit when I’m wrong, but looks like I… wait, what’s behind this… woah! Now here’s something, a Stand by Me DVD – that’s a $900 bill, every day!
    Darrell’s son: They don’t make $900 dollar bills, Dad.
    Darrell: You wanted the ‘wow factor’? Here it is.
    Darrell’s son: It’s a dented ping pong ball, Dad.
    Darrell: Listen, son, I’m going to teach you a little something here. I was in the ping pong ball business for years, and this here dented one, most people would just trash it, but you stick vandally eyes on this baby, and it’s gotta be worth more than anything else in here! There’s this guy I know, he knows even more than me about balls. Let’s go see him!

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