You stand at the edge while people run you through

Everyone who has Depression experiences it in a different way, but I think it’s safe to say that all of us have days when it sits more heavily on us than others. I realized yesterday morning that I’ve been struggling under more depression and anxiety than usual for the last week or so without even being aware of it. Without realizing it, I’d gotten withdrawn and anxious, and because I didn’t really feel irritable, I wasn’t aware of how irritable I was.

I’ve described the metaphysical weight of depression as being similar to that lead apron the dentist puts on you when you get x-rays of your teeth, only it’s draped over your head and shoulders, and sometimes it even covers your face so you can’t see clearly. Without even knowing it’s happening, all you can see is whatever the depression wants to show you, and depression is a lying jerk.

So yesterday, with the kind and loving help of my wife, I realized how heavy my depression has been weighing on me lately. I don’t know exactly how or why it works, but yesterday, like all the other times I’ve realized that depression was doing its best to smother me, becoming aware of it made the weight of it just a little bit better. I still had a pretty rough day, but I also knew that I’d get better. It was like remembering where the light switch was, so I could turn a light on in a dark room, and see the way out of it.

A big part of realizing that I felt so much anxiety and its accompanying depression was figuring out why I felt that way, and I don’t think I could have done it without Anne’s support and patience.

We were sitting on the couch in the living room. The back doors were open, and birds chirped and sang in the back yard. I told her basically what I wrote above, and she said, “You were really angry about the paparazzi when you were in New York, and if your show is successful, that’s probably going to happen again and again.”

“That sounds awful,” I said.

“Yeah, but you can deal with it in a more constructive way that doesn’t make you so angry,” she said.

“I just hate that feeling of being trapped in a hotel, or not in control of my own …” I trailed off, because I had realized exactly why I got so angry, and why I’d been feeling so anxious and depressed for the last few weeks.

“I just realized that the feeling of being trapped, of not being in control of my own life, of feeling like I can’t just do my own thing is a massive emotional trigger for me, because it reminds me of how I felt so often when I was a kid.

“I hated all the press and attention and demands to be some kind of teen superstar, when all I wanted to do was be an actor.”

I described this picture to her, which I think was taken when I was 15. “I look at that, and I feel so sad for that kid. He’s scared, he’s uncomfortable, and he’s doing his best to just get through that moment so he can go back to whatever he was trying to do before a photographer shoved a camera in his face.

“I think I get so angry now because I’m not just upset that my current life was disrupted by these shitbags, but I’m also retroactively angry at how much they disrupted my life when I was a kid.” I looked at the floor for a long time. Our dog, Riley, walked over to me and shoved her face into my hands. I pet her and continued. “And then I get angry at the people who should have been looking out for me, who should have cared about how I was feeling and protected me, but who just told me to suck it up and deal with it because I had to.”

“That makes sense,” she said. “You’ve talked a lot about how you always felt like nobody listened to you when you were a kid, and how you felt like your feelings weren’t as important to the people around you as what they could get out of you.”

“Exactly. I’ve been working basically for myself for the last ten years, with occasional breaks to go work on shows where I feel like I’m working with people, and for the last month or so, I’ve felt like I’m working for people.”

I stopped scratching Riley’s chin, and she put her paw in my lap.

“Well … you kind of are.”

I looked at her.

“…and that’s okay,” she said. “I know you’re feeling overwhelmed, but this is a good thing, isn’t it?”

I lifted Riley’s paw off of me, and pointed to the floor. She lay down at my feet and sighed.

“…it is. I love the people I work with, and the network goons have all been really supportive and awesome. I guess I just … I don’t know how to feel. It’s really great, and it’s really scary, and there’s a lot at stake, and it’s fun, and I’m …”

I took a deep breath and frowned. “I’m afraid to enjoy it, because it probably won’t last.”

It felt good to say it out loud. It felt freeing. I’m supposed to pretend that we’re going to be some kind of massive success and we’re all gonna get laid, but I have done this long enough to know that nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and Firefly was canceled because the network was stupid.

“And on the one hand, if it doesn’t last, all this press and attention that I don’t like goes away. But if it does last–”

“If it does last, you can let the work speak for itself like you want to, and you don’t have to do press, or go places you don’t want to go. But promoting it now is super important because you have to let people know your show exists so they can watch it.”

Riley rolled over on her back. Marlowe walked into the room and stretched out on the floor next to her.

“I know, and I feel like a jerk for having conflicting feelings about it. I guess I haven’t completely dealt with some unresolved childhood issues, and they’re getting stirred up in my stupid brain.”

My cat, Watson, jumped up into my lap and began to purr. He rubbed his face against my hand, then against my chin, and then began to groom my beard.

“I’m really grateful for everything we have, and I don’t mean to imply otherwise,” I said, around Watson’s catfood breath. “I just remember how I felt so unhappy so often when I was a kid, and I don’t want to feel that way again.”

“I know.”

I lifted Watson off of my chest and put him on the couch next to me. He rolled on his back and pushed his head into my thigh. I scratched his chin and his belly.

“I also know that I’ve been letting Depression make me feel like shit for the last month or so, and I know that Depression lies, so I’m probably just fixated on all the worst case stuff, and not paying enough attention to the awesome stuff.”

And the second those words came out of my mouth, it was like someone cast Dispel Depression. I felt the weight of it lift off of me. I saw the light switch in the room, and though I knew it would take a little bit of time before I could walk out, I at least saw the doorway.

I’m going to talk with a therapist about the unresolved emotional issues from when I was a kid, and I’m going to work even harder so that Depression can’t trick me into thinking all this incredibly awesome stuff that I get to do is something I can’t enjoy. It’s going to be a challenge — it always is — but I can do it, because I’ve done it before.

And you know what? It is going to be fun to make The Wil Wheaton Project. I know it will be fun, because it has already been fun, and I think I need to consider the two likely scenarios: if we only do 12, I get to go back to my normal life at the end of the summer after working with some really great people and doing something we’re proud of. If we end up doing more than that, I can let the work speak for itself, and I’ll learn to adjust to a new normal in my life, because the really valuable and important bits of my life — my wife, my kids, our home, burritos and beer — are going to be here no matter what I do for my job, and nobody can take them away from me, not even Depression.

“I feel a lot better,” I said. “Thanks for listening to me.”

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too.”

 

Published by

Wil

I'm just this guy, you know?

274 thoughts on “You stand at the edge while people run you through”

  1. I can relate to depression because when I was younger I had been victimized by bullies. I often wondered why someone would want to bully another. The more I thought about that issue, the more the bullying I would experience. It was like a vicious cycle. Thought is a powerful thing, I have come to realize now that I am much older and somewhat wiser. These days, I don’t have anyone that bullies me because my thought processes are different and I also know the answer to that question; both bully and victim suffer from the same problem – self esteem issues. Next time paparazzi comes at you, stand up and laugh in their face. Tell them you love them. Do something from out of left field to throw them off. With the fear of them gone, they soon will be too. Reality follows suit to thought. Remember that and also remember that happiness comes from within, not from outside circumstance. The more you try to control outside circumstances to make you happy, the less likely you will be in attaining that what you want. Peace be with you.

    1. That’s wonderful wisdom Chris.

      We draw to us what we fear. It’s an opportunity to face it and release it. As the old line goes F.E.A.R. stands for “false evidence appearing real.” Most fear that people feel these days has nothing to do with any real survival need.

      But there is an energetic component and by drawing that fear to us, we are given the chance to face it and see that it is unfounded and release it, then we no longer need to draw such experiences to us, having learned the lesson and gained the growth.

      Furthermore, when we get ourselves into a constant fight or flight mode, our intuitions can’t get through to us, so not only do we fear things that are really no threat, we also can miss the intuitive hunch that helps us steer clear when there really is cause for concern.

      Along those lines, a conditioned ego and a programmed subconscious can wrongly misinterpret what is really a teacher (be it a person or a situation or circumstance) as a threat. What that means is we block out that learning opportunity.

      What’s even more profound is when we are in fight or flight mode, we are clicked back into our reptilian brain, which is great when there is a true threat and we need to respond appropriately. But when we are unnecessarily in a constant state of fight or flight, we are literally killing ourselves slowly. Our immune systems don’t function properly (after all, that cold you might have is really not as important in that moment as the bear that is chasing you… if there really IS a bear chasing you). We also literally are not maintaining and rejuvenating, as in our cells are not being replaced, etc. when in constant fight or flight mode.

      When clicked into the reptilian brain, we are also not in our frontal lobes which is where we are most creative, so our fight or flight mode keeps us from being our most creative selves.

      As you can see, when we don’t face our fears and release them, we can start a very vicious cycle that is literally slowly killing us.

      Folks, I recommended a book earlier in these comments. I’m telling ya, it’s got the goods and gets right to the point, no horsing around. I swear it speaks to you on other levels than just the words. I’ve read it many times and I now live by the wisdom there in and it’s served me so well. I don’t just willy nilly recommend hardly anything really, but this I never regret recommending. If you truly want to heal, really, give it a whirl. It’s a whopping $14 – $16 in paperback and $3 and something on e-book / Kindle. And I know every single one of you and your health and happiness is worth one hell of lot more than that.

      Blessings to you all.

    2. I know what’s really hard is when the bully is yourself. Knowing that Depression lies, even when the things it says seem so right and it just repeats Failure’s Greatest Hits, is a great step. I wish I could know it all the time though.

    3. I believe that the one person you recently made fun of, Neil deGrass Tyson can offer you help in this matter. Here is a quote by him.
      “The most astounding fact about the Universe is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on Earth, the atoms that make up the human body are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures – these stars, the high mass ones among them went unstable in their later years. They collapsed and then exploded scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy. Guts made of carbon, nitrogen and oxygen and all of the fundamental elements of life itself. These ingredients become part of gas clouds that condense, collapse form the next generation of solar systems, stars with orbiting planets and those planets now have the ingredients for life itself. So that when I look up at the night sky, and, I know that yes, we are part of this Universe, we are in this Universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts, is that the Universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up – many people feel small because they’re small and the Universe is big – but I feel big because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life; you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant. You want to feel like you’re a participant in the goings on of activities and events around you. That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive.”
      Neil degrasse Tyson

  2. Thank you for being so open about your struggles with depression. It’s because of your openness that made me brave enough to get help last year for my depression and I’ve been doing great despite a few dark moments, more like gray moments. Thank you for sharing with us.

  3. Thank you for being so open. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and one thing you said here hit me so hard and it was like a light bulb coming on in my head. I have a wonderful husband who I have been married to for 14 yrs this week and two amazing kids but I have never felt worthy of them or completely happy but as strange as it may sound I did not realize it. When you said you were afraid to enjoy it because it probably won’t last….that hit me so hard I burst into tears. That is how I feel about my family. I am so terrified of loosing them because that is how everything has always seemed to be that I have not let myself fully enjoy them. I am involved with my family completely I have just never let myself enjoy it and I had not realized that until now. Thank you for helping open my eyes on this.

  4. Wil, I hope that you see by all the comments how many people you’ve helped with your post. I was able to quote you to someone that, in my depression, I’d hurt and he was able to understand what I was going through because of what you said. Thank you so much for being you. You’re a blessing.

  5. I don’t have a therapist, but my Homeopath got me to write letters to the people who didn’t support me in my youth. She really feels it can affect health in the adult not to have support at those crucial times. For once instead of trying to be all Eckhart Tolle-y and new-agey and not let the cranky voice of my ego rise up, I let it out to have a say and it was mad for that little kid and teen who was me. I really ranted. Then I burned them. It did help, and the cranky voice went away a lot. It just wanted to be heard.

  6. To help me through my own battles with depression, I write about it on Facebook so that a) it forces me to write it down and b) I’m hoping that other people can recognize themselves in what I’m going through.

    With my latest post, I had to change it’s privacy setting to Only Me because I was getting too many “What’s wrong?” questions and I was getting tired of having to reassure other people instead of feeling any better about my situation. It went something like this:

    =======
    It’s so hard to watch. It’s so tough to watch a guy who seems to have it all : friends, loves, success, a good life, so he should be happy. Instead, you have to watch him piss it all away because he keeps giving in to rage, paranoia, and lashing out in his frustration and confusion.

    The only thing that’s worse is when you find out that you are that guy.

  7. Wil,

    I just wanted to say thanks for continuing to be open about all this. I think you’re doing important work toward destigmatizing depression, especially for men — this culture puts such pressure on you guys not to seem weak.

    Hug that poor scared teenage Wil. He needs you. Tell him he’s got every right to feel as he does. Other commenters have said it, but it bears repeating: seemingly “having everything” makes no difference to a mood disorder — a lying bastard of a mood disorder, at that.

    Take good care of you. Also I agree: Anne is fantastic.

  8. The difference between depression and sadness is that sadness quickly passes, I wish I could say that like happiness, it’s only an emotion that comes and goes like any other, but it’s not. It’s an invisible war waged on our emotions with the goal of distracting us from being able to count our blessings.

  9. Thank you. I try to ask myself if this is really me or if this is my depression mask filtering what I see. I feel like i don ‘t fit in or people aren’t really there for me or am I really a good mom. And in the end it means I need to do something to lift that mask. Like a good wine a cuddle with my kids or a board game or video game with my friends. The best part about table top games for me is the conversation you can have while rolling the dice or flipping a card. Thanks for being so real and DFTBA.

  10. This was really lovely. I’m new to Twitter and a fan of you… one who is more aware of your current writing than your earlier career (sorry, that’s NOT a negative, it’s just me and what catches my eye). I loved your words to the girl about being a proud geek. I loved your putting words to the tsunami of hate that seemed to flow out of the SB shootings — “that this isn’t about ‘women vs. men’ but about ‘good vs evil’. It’s the you, behind the industry, that has attracted my attention.

    I’ve worked for decades in film and television. Always behind the camera, but I’ve watched performers for years wrestle with their need for attention and the real fear that it is always about to end. The fickle nature of the entertainment business. OMG, you have people with cameras who love you! OMG, how horrible to be hounded by the paparazzi.

    I’ve seen both sides intimately and I understand the pressure it brings. Not unlike an addiction. I’ve organized secret cars and private rooms. Everything you know about. All so my talent can get where they need to and do their job. I’ve watched people like you look like hell until a “you” walks through a door and turns “it” on and the magic sparkles and everyone loves you.

    So, that’s just to say, I understand. I also understand what you are writing about.

    My father was a scientist who shot himself at 50 (many years ago). A lifetime of mood swings and depression that he adroitly hid from his kids — me and my brother and my lovely mother. It’s sad to me that I can’t share this post with my elderly mother. Because, even after 25 years, she would feel horrible pain and deeply envy your wife her wisdom and strength. Envy that your wife understands these issues today. Depression wasn’t a ‘known thing’ when my father died. It was a shocking idea to us and took us years to understand what happened.

    He was lovely and brilliant, a scientist, and a wonderful husband and father. The clues I can remember in hindsight, with the knowledge of today, were the very quiet times when he’d retire to his “office”. Now I know it was to escape and spare us his downward spirals. And he hid it… oh so very well.

    So, I applaud you for knowing how to turn these hard things outward, and to seek and allow support from those (like your wonderful wife) who understand and love you. Don’t isolate, follow your heart and stay connected. Nothing is ever as important as it seems.

    So many of us understand you and what you’re going through. The only true peril is secretive withdrawal. Thank you for this wonderful post. It makes me cry, but in a good way.

  11. I’ve suffered with Depression most of my life. From the outside things look good, but inside everything is in turmoil. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It helps to know I’m not alone.

  12. “I’m afraid to enjoy it, because it probably won’t last.”
    Nothing does. It will all end eventually. The only question is how long it will last before it ends. So enjoy the ride, regardless of how long it is.

  13. Thanks for this. It’s really important to those of us who are struggling to get to the point of success that it actually begins to gain its own momentum to hear your struggles through the process. It helps make our own struggles easier, not just because we can see some of the things that might hit us, but also because it helps us to know others are going through the same things.

  14. Thank you for your incredibly person post. I completely agree that depression is a BIG FAT LIAR which greedily wants to keep you depressed to maintain its own power. ugh.

    In looking back at the depression episodes I have had over the years I have found that every single one of them came about because I was in a situation where I knew something needed to change, but I didn’t know what to do to affect that change. This was my own personal ‘sense of feeling trapped’ that created each depression episode. Being stuck in that hell feels as though I am walking through frozen sludge… it takes all of my effort to make the smallest movement. It can be so tough.

    Sometimes the only ‘change’ that needs to happen is for me to hope for the best and plan for the worst, and to see the possible good in every outcome. You summed it up very well in your post. You are a very level-headed guy. I appreciated the conversations we had in the past because of how rational you are.

    Thank you again for baring your soul on this topic. You are an inspiration, and I needed some inspiration just then:)

    Thanks Wil:) -Isabelle

  15. It probably sounds cliche, but you are a man of real character for being so open about your feelings. Clearly it has already helped other people and hopefully it helps you too.

  16. The true brilliance of a supportive “other”. Awesome to see. I also love that you’re able to put your experience with depression into words. There are a LOT of people I know with it that only have the struggle part, and can’t quite put their finger on the “what I can tell you about it” part. Great introspection, Wil.

  17. Nothing lasts. In the end, we’re all dead, and we just get a brief sliver of time to make of the world whatever we can. Remember that, let it inform your enjoyment of your show for as long as it lasts, and know that once it’s over, there will be other things to move on to.

  18. I remember that child who didn’t like people taking advantage of him. I look at the strong, accomplished man you have become and I am so proud. I am sorry for your struggles but you have so many people who are there for you and love you! I applaud your being able to admit when things are tough. You are awesome…. Don’t forget that!

  19. If you wear EXACTLY THE SAME CLOTHES every time you go out of the house nobody can sell your photo. It’s not new, the papers already have that one on file. Wear headphones playing “Flight of the Valkeries” and dark glasses. Make a game of going out to do battle with the forces of evil. The idea worked for the Harry Potter actor, Daniel Radcliff.

  20. Ten points to Ravenclaw for being introspective and figuring out what your trigger was so that Depression couldn’t lie to you anymore (for the moment – it always tries to come back, but that’s why we fight it). Fifty points to Anne’s house for being awesome and helping you work it out. A hundred points to the animals for being cute.

    Depression lies. You’ve worked really hard over the last ten plus years to make awesome things that YOU like and that lots of people like, too. You deserve to be happy about these awesome things you do and the meaning you and your work brings to people’s lives. Make sure to keep casting dispel depression. A therapist can help, absolutely.

    Congratulations on everything. I look forward to watching the first episode (which is on my DVR as I speak). I’m so happy to see you riding high. :)

  21. It’s wonderful that you have such an amazing support in Anne.Thank you for sharing this & thank you for showing everyone that they are not alone with depression & that there is no shame in having depression.

  22. I don’t know where I’d be without my Laura. I also wanted to say it was really good listening to your books audio files. You’re a great writer and you’re an inspiring person. Being able to share your failures, shortcomings, and disappointments as easily as a triumph is no little thing. For what its worth your books seemed to help me with some aspects of my own depression I think. Not a cure of course but it was very comforting and inspiring and I wouldn’t be here typing this if it hadn’t meant a lot to me.

    I’m also an Oingo Boingo fan! I think I got my first taste of them from Back to School starring Rodney Dangerfield.

    All the Best
    Congrats on Tabletop as well

  23. You obviously don’t know anything about clinical depression, BobJ. It’s not something that you can just “get over.”

  24. Looks like BobJ decided to bow out of the discussion. I can’t find his comments anymore.

      1. Thanks Wil. Some of us know we feel “broken” we don’t need to be reminded. When someone hurts one of us, they hurt all of us.

      2. Good! It’s sad that ignorant archaic attitudes towards depression continue to exist in our society today. You don’t just, “snap out of it,” and you’re not just, “feeling sorry for yourself,” when you have depression.

  25. Wil, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your candor on this topic. After battling depression for years by myself, I’m finally getting the help I needed.

  26. It is so hard not to listen to depression lying. It is even harder not to listen to depression lying to both me and my husband. I end up forgetting what is real and what is just lies. It is so hard to fight when everything feels so painful. Finding the strength to exist everyday gets harder and harder but I do it and that must mean something right?

    1. For me finding the strength to exist gets much easier once the following is known: You exist. Taken to its ultimate, logical understanding; if you exist now, you always will and you always have. You may change form but you will always exist in some way, shape or form because is-ness is the only quality that existence has. It does not know how to become non-existence. Non-existence is already full of all the things that will never exist and there is no room in non-existence for that that does exist. That which exists only has one quality – to be. Thus that is the only thing it will always be. So if you do exist, you always will. You matter to Creation for if you did not matter, you would not exist at all. Creation does not make mistakes. This means you deserve existence and of having a life. You are also deserving of having all that you desire to have in life. You are not ever given a desire without also being given the ability to accomplish that desire!

  27. First of all, I want to tell you that you’re a hero of mine. I grew up watching TNG, and no matter what YOU think of that show, it got me through a very very rough time in my life.

    Secondly, congratulations for figuring out what was bothering you and being able to name it. It’s amazing how being able to put a name on how we are feeling helps us to feel differently.

    Great blog post!

  28. Gosh I love reading this tonight. Through the past months I’ve been been living some horrible moments, daily nightmares where I felt like I was ungrateful. Still, there are some pretty scary shits out there and Its so hard to see persons you trusted at work turning into the ones scaring you. I can’t wait to stop being so scared. Stupid anxiety and stupid non supportive managers -_-

    Signed: a geek fan who had a weird / bad day

  29. Thank you for writing this blog. You are important to so many people. I hope you will post more because so many have unresolved childhood issues. Just knowing you are not alone can be therapeutic. Peace friend.

  30. Every one has that period of darkened soul. You feel as if your voice has been stolen and sealed away, unable to call for help. Ropes binding you from head to tow, inprisning you and sealing you away in a dark room.
    There are many things that triger such things. The disapointment in losing some thing weather it be a prized item, pet, money, job, loved one, or even safty. You seclude your self away not always in a room but in work, reading, activity, never having time to reflect on what you now don’t have.
    A simple hug or helping hand isn’t all you need. It’s about love and knowing your suport is by your side and will never leave.

    I have been in that dark sucluded room and I find myself being pulled back so often but know my friend and true family Mary is there for me. To anser a call, text, or PM nearly instantaniouse. With out her I would have been lost So long ago.
    To any who need that help, I may not be able to hold you and visit for coffee tea but I offer my helping hand any way possibal. BrookeLynnThompson@BLTitsALIVE my e-mail [email protected]. Contact me if you need.

  31. I have always struggled with depression, but thanks to medication I can actually function again. It is really difficult for those who don’t experience it to understand because they think it is just sadness. I am now a counselor and help others to know there is hope. Thanks for sharing your experiences Wil. It is good to not feel alone. Know that you have many people who love and support you whether you succeed or fail in your career related endeavors.

  32. Great story Wil. I think a lot of us have issues enjoying the now for fear of the what if, often due to things that have happened in the past. Never (not that I think you do) take for granted the love and support of a wonderful partner. Good luck with your continued fight against the lies and here’s to hoping your show gets renewed!

  33. Today one of the truly great entertainers of our generation finally fell victim to depression. He walked the edge for decades, but I just never thought he would finally go over. I guess he is finally at peace. God Speed Robin Williams.

  34. Great post and helpful insight. I can’t help but notice the mentions of your pets coming up to check in on you during that conversation. It really makes me miss my dog even more because she did the same for me.

  35. Darkened childhood memories are tricky… Yes, they did happen. But as we grow up -not old- we can see those images from many angles. Past is a heavy weight to carry all your life. You were an amazing kid and you have come to be an incredible human being, with its lights and shadows, just like everyone else.
    You are an inspiration to me and many others.

    I love your courage, Wil. I lost a brother who killed himself over depression at the age of 30, and I remeber the struggle it was to make him smile even on smallest things. I was a teenager and even though he’s not around to hug me whenever I’m down, I know I did my best and held his hand on every occasion I had.
    Your strength, and lovingly Anne’s of course, are an inspiration to all the people out there who might feel lonely and sad and unaware of this sneaky ghost this condition can be.

    Thank you very much for this post. I wish you the best.

    Love you with all my heart.
    Hugs from Argentina.

  36. I love how your furry family members all came to comfort you, too. They always know. :) Thanks for sharing.

  37. Thank you, Wil, for being open and honest about who you are and remind the rest of the world that actors and celebrities are people first and foremost.

    I have suffered from depression in the past, and occasionally, I still get moody or am irritable when I’m tired or have one of my migraines. I try to get past the question of how long will it last and onto “What comes after?” I’m a dreamer, so when my moods swing and I start getting irritable and head into depression land, I depend on my imagination to give me perspective. It doesn’t always work, but my daughter and loving husband keep me sane and grounded, and I love them even more for it.

    1. Depression IS a liar of who you truly are as an Omnipotent spiritual being of the divine. I have come to realize that once you know that you are a part of Creation for a reason and that you have this life to live for a reason as well, that this kind of knowledge in if itself might be sufficient enough to help you pull out of the huge lie that you might have bought into. You know, the lie that your not good enough or not deserving. If you take a real good look at this logically, you can tell that it simply is not so just by observing the mere fact that you exist. Know that thus then if you truly where not deserving and not enough for Creation to have you to simply Be, that you would not exist at all if that where a truth. Again, recognize the big lie. Since you DO exist you always have and always will in some form or another. The Absolute Truth of who you are is a Spirit being having a human physical experience. Once you “die” you will transcend the physical and be back to the spirit of whom you truly are and from there chose to either come back to the physical plane, or stay in the spirit realm. Surely all of us are so much much more than we all realize.

  38. I’ve been living with Depression for over 25 years. I’ve tried a couple meds but they never really worked well. I’ve tried other things too. EFT/tapping has probably helped the most in dealing with issues but even that has not rid me of Depression.

    I never went after my own acting/directing dreams for fear of fame & paparazzi. Funny how even with a secure income, one can feel just as trapped (by Depression) because of fame & paparazzi bs, just as one can who is poverty-stricken and unknown.

    I am 40-years-old this year and feel like my youth has passed me by without my living even a quarter of my dreams. And now I have a pre-teen daughter who I am watching lose her dreams too because her mother can not do right by her with a steady income to help pay for all those dreams we both have.

    Depression has locked me into this stuck place most of my life. And now, living where I am, in Hill City, Black Hills, SD, I really feel stuck. Stuck working dead-end summer jobs. Stuck making minimum wage. Stuck with the least amount of money to survive on possible. And expected to make my & my daughter’s dreams come true in this kind of place…

    Yes, depression colors my world. I see the clouds, to spite the rainbow, every time. But I also see the rainbow too… I just never see a way to get to the rainbow and enjoy those beautiful colors up close…

    I just wish I could find a way to enjoy life more, before it is too late for me. I wish I could find work I can love that is a good income for me. I wish I could fine a man to love who loves me back equally. I wish I could take my daughter & I to all the places we have been dreaming about. I wish I could enjoy the simply things in life instead of letting Depression get in my way…

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