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50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

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WIL WHEATON dot NET
WIL WHEATON dot NET

50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong

Author: Wil

Author, actor, producer. On a good day, I am charming as fuck.

senses working overtime

Posted on 29 October, 2009 By Wil

Anne and I stayed with my friends Steve and Julie when we went up to San Francisco for w00tstock. I've known Steve since high school, and Julie's sister was friends with my brother when they were younger, in case anyone was wondering how small the world actually is.

Steve and I were in the same gaming group (with Darin, Cal, and some of my other friends you may recall me mentioning from time to time) so when we got to their house, I went straight to his gaming shelf to see what overlap we have now (Dominion, Settlers, Pandemic, etc.) I saw, on top of a bookcase, a complete set of first edition AD&D core books. Sitting on top of them was a thick stack of TSR-era AD&D modules, including classics like Tomb of Horrors and Village of Hommlet.

"I can't believe you still have these!" I said.

"Do you want them?" He asked. "I don't have room for them here, so they were going to get thrown out or —"

"THROWN OUT?! THEY BELONG IN A MUSEUM!"

From the living room behind us, I heard Anne apologize to Julie.

"It's okay," I may have heard her say. "I'm married to one, too."

Steve and I spent some time (not nearly enough) looking at all those old modules, as well as his AD&D core books. I even made most of my saves vs. Nostalgic Overload (Rogers will be happy to learn that I didn't once say that I felt like I was visiting with old friends).

"You can have all of these," he said, "because I know I'm not going to have time or space to use them any time soon."

"I would love to keep these, if for no other reason than to preserve the history," I told him. In my mind, I was already sitting on the floor of my office, the smell of a freshly-sharpened pencil rising in the air to meet the sound of Rush on the Sonos while I surrounded myself with open books, graph paper, and piles of dice.

Alas, when it was time to return to Los Angeles, we didn't have room or spare weight in our suitcase to bring them with us, so it's going to be a little while before my dream becomes reality.

Still, I can't stop thinking about those books and the memories they're going to shake loose when I finally do get to read them. I still have the books from my Red Box Set, though, so as soon as I got home from my trip, I took them (including B2 – The Keep on the Borderlands) off the shelf and hopped into the time machine. The last few nights, I've read Keep on the Borderlands cover to cover, all the character creation rules in the Player's Book, and all of the procedures in the Dungeon Master's Book.

As I pored over these three books, pausing frequently to feel the comforting warmth of a nostalgic childhood memory wrap around me, I remembered why I fell in love with D&D and then AD&D when I was growing up: when you get down to their fundamentals, D&D and AD&D provide a framework for imaginative, collaborative storytelling.

As I read the Keep on the Borderlands, and I crawled through the Caves of Chaos for the first time in 25 years, I let my imagination take over. I could see the same places I visited when I was a kid. I could see the wide and winding dirt road, coiled around towering mountains and steep cliffs, that I traveled from the Keep to the caves. (Well, I could see it the way 10 or 11 year-old me created it in his youthful imagination, which is to say it looked an awful lot like that 1978 animated Lord of the Rings movie.)

I could see the Lizardmen (who were more than a little reminiscent of the Sleestaks), I could hear the clang of my fighter Thorin's sword against the cave wall, after he cleaved a kobold in two (just like that animation from Dragon's Lair) and the jingling bag of electrum pieces he took off the corpse (which sounded a lot like the pocket of quarters I kept around for sudden outbreaks of Pac-Man fever). I could smell the crackling fire of braziers (summer campfires), and feel the terror of facing down a minotaur who never seemed to miss when he attacked (pop quizes in math class).

If you played Keep on the Borderlands, some of the encounters that sparked my own memories may be familiar, but I bet that any images of the caves they may have stirred up for you different than mine, because when we played this game in the 80s, every single place we went was made real by our imaginations. In fact, that's one of the things I love and miss the most about the earliest days of tabletop RPGs: I miss gaming that was entirely independent of minis and combat maps. I miss being able to close my eyes and picture the zombies and skeletons lining that hallway, knowing that the way I saw them was different from the way my friend Simon saw them, even though he was sitting right next to me. 

I stopped playing AD&D during 2nd edition, when I felt like it was more about complicated math, charts, and THAC0 than it was about using your imagination to explore a wondrous fantasy world. I switched to GURPS, and even though I know that's a system that can easily lead to min/maxing and metagaming, I played with a group of guys who were into storytelling, with a GM who made you think very carefully about what disadvantages you took. When that group grew broke up, I didn't play seriously again until 4E, which as everyone knows I really enjoy.

Still, when I opened The Keep on the Borderlands and read "Welcome to the land of imagination. You are about to begin a journey into the worlds where magic and monsters are the order of the day, where law and chaos are forever at odds, where adventure and heroism are the meat and drink of all who would seek their fortunes in uncommon pursuits…" I realized something: I never played RPGs later on in life like the ones I played when I was 12.

… Jesus, did anyone?

making plans for nigel

Posted on 28 October, 2009 By Wil

My brain keeps giving me 404s when I try to get focused long enough to write this short scary story (well, I think it's scary. It has a monster in it) in time for Halloween.

So I'm doing other things to try and trick it into rebooting the server, like cleaning up my house, playing with my dog, and wishing that I had this book again:

First_edition_dmg 

and this:

Phb_sixth_edition 

and this:

Monster_manual_fourth_edition 

Well, I'm not a lot closer to getting this story out, but I'm certainly a lot happier in general than I was a couple hours ago. Funny how just looking at old AD&D stuff can do that for me.

(Images borrowed from The Acaeum, which is a fantastic D&D historical reference site.)

Memories of the Futurecast: Episode Eight

Posted on 26 October, 2009 By Wil

Futurecast700px-B Holy crap! It's time for Memories of the Futurecast.

Memories of the Future, Volume One, covers the first 13 episodes of TNG, so each week, I'm choosing something from one episode, and performing an excerpt for you. It will mostly be from the synopses, which is where I think the real humor of the book lives, but from time to time, I may work in some things from the other parts.

Three important things:

  1. This does not mean the book comes out in 13 weeks. It comes out much sooner than that. In fact, it is available right now! Woo!
  2. These are not excerpted from an audiobook. These are recorded specifically for this podcast. I'm not sure if I'll do a full-length audiobook, yet, but I'm open to the idea.
  3. Did I mention that you can get your very own copy of Memories of the Future, Volume One, right now, for $19.87, or as a $10 DRM-free PDF? Okay, just checking.

Episode Notes:

  • The Memories of the Futurecast works hard to earn its [EXPLICIT] tag. You have been warned.
  • This week's theme music is Down on the River By The Sugarplant, from Mike Doughty.
  • Mike Doughty is on Twitter, you know, and if you want to get his new record Sad Man Happy Man(OMG GET IT FERREALZ) you can find it at Amazon, among other places.
  • This week, I dish out some JUSTICE, y'all. Don't listen to this one around the kids, unless you're ready to have The Talk with them, ifyaknowhatimean.
  • Why, yes, I did toss up some new artwork this week. Thanks for noticing.
  • As promised, here's a link that will direct you to a full, live performance.
  • I don't think I said thank you enough in the podcast, so, just to be sure I was clear: Seriously, guys, thank you for your support with Memories of the Future.
  • Memories of the Futurecast wants the Three Worf Moon Shirt.
  • Memories of the Futurecast snores when it sleeps in the sun by the couch.
  • Memories of the Futurecast wants you to add your own pictures to Wheaton's Books In The Wild at Flickr.
  • Memories of the Futurecast puts the lotion on its skin.
  • Memories of the Futurecast is 28.8 MB.
  • Memories of the Futurecast starts on page 74. But, seriously, good luck following along.
  • Memories of the Futurecast is 30 minutes long.

Ready?! Okay, then! Set your phasers to: Download Memories of the Futurecast episode eight

Buy your own copy of Memories of the Future, Volume One. It's just $19.87 for a print version, or $10 for the DRM-free PDF.

you may ask yourself, “how do i work this?”

Posted on 24 October, 2009 By Wil

I stayed up way too late last night, waiting for Nolan to get home from the Horror thing at Universal. When I was younger, staying up until 3 was no big deal, but making it past midnight is a serious challenge, especially since my stupid brain insists on waking up between 7 and 8 no matter when I went to sleep. I never understood, until I had my own kids, why my parents couldn't – not wouldn't, but couldn't – go to sleep until we came home from wherever we were at night. 

I'm telling you this because I just made breakfast (it's been a lazy day here in Chez Wheaton) and it's so awesome I just had to share:

  • 1/3 a block of tofu. Silken is preferred, but any firmness will work.
  • Trader Joe's 21 Seasoning Salute
  • Tapatio or Cholula
  • 1/2 a small can of ortega chiles
  • 1/4 cup Trader Joe's Salsa Authentica
  • Trader Joe's Shredded Mexican Cheese Blend

Chop up the tofu into little cubes and shake some 21 Seasoning Salute over it. 

Toss it into a warm skillet and stir it up for about 2 minutes.

Splash as much Tapatioor Cholula as you want over it. Careful not to overdo it, or the only thing you'll taste when you eat it is fire.

Add the chiles, and stir them around. 

Add the salsa, and stir it again.

Walk away for one minute.

Add at least one handful of cheese, more if you really want it and are all, "man, I love cheese." Stir the cheese around so its evenly distributed. Say, "Damn, Wil Wheaton, this smells good! I can't wait to eat it!"

Turn the heat off, and serve immediately. You can put it into flour tortillas if you want (I bet it'd be delicious with some pan-roasted red potatoes as a breakfast burrito.)

Yeah, so I got that in my belly right now, which is nice.

…

A few nights ago, Anne and I went up to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get a new Brita pitcher. While we were there, we noticed that they already have the fucking Christmas bullshit out.

"Are you fucking kidding me with that bullshit?" I said to her.

"It's ho ho horrible," she said.

We grabbed our pitcher and hoped it was more effective than the Dodger's pitchers were against the Phillies. Well, I did. I doubt Anne thought about the Dodgers at all.

We walked up to the register, where we both noticed one of those CD kiosks was playing fairly loud Christmas music.

Anne looked at the girl who was ringing us up and said, "Does that Christmas music drive you crazy?"

The girl looked up slowly and deadpanned, "I just tune it out … until someone calls attention to it."

"Oh god. I'm so sorry," Anne said.

I turned to face her, and started the slow clap.

"Don't you dare give me the slow clap!" She said.

"I am totally giving you the slow clap," I said, as I turned to the cashier and apologized for Anne. I gotta tell you, it was weird to be involved in an apology to an innocent bystander and not be the one apologized for.

…

Yesterday, I met my friend David for lunch, and somehow our conversation turned to coffee.

"I really like the Kona coffee," I said, "especially in a press."

"You can get it at the ABC store in Hawaii," David said.

"Yeah, but that's only like 10% actual Kona beans and 90% bullshit beans from Nigeria or someplace."

"Oh, yeah," David said, "you really have to look out for that conflict coffee."

I laughed so hard, I drew withering looks from people nearby who didn't want the Wheaton Guffaw with their salads, I guess. 

…

Yesterday's FML moment came from my friend Lynn, who said on Twitter: OH: "I never had a Nintendo but my grandma did." Then, because she hadn't made me feel old enough, felt compelled to point out that her first home game system was Sega Master System. (For the record, my first system – which actually belonged to my parents – was an Odyssey RCA Studio II.) Sigh. I'm 37; I'm not old.

…

If you're a fan of the Memories of the Futurecast, I think you'll be pleased to know that I've given the podcast its own category. From now until they turn the lights out on planet Earth, you can see all the Futurecasts in one place without any of that annoying "other blog shit" getting in the way. 

I figured out why episode seven only gave Frontalot's song in iTunes and other aggregators: it was the first MP3 link in the post. As we all know, aggregators aren't quite self-aware enough to figure out that they should get the podcast link instead, so they got confused. I've since changed the links in the post, so iTunes and iTunes-like subscribers should be able to get episode seven in the usual manner, now.

And now, I have a question: I wasn't – wait. I have a statement, followed by a question. Let's start over.

Ahem. Deep breath. Shake the hands. Start again.

And now, I have a statement, followed by some thoughts, which eventually lead to a question: I wasn't seriously planning to do an audio version of Memories because it would be very long (at least 13 hours) and I'm not sure I could sell enough of them to make it worth the time and effort involved. I sort of thought the Futurecast would be a nice substitute for a full audio version, but some people have been asking for a full audio version, similar to what I've done for my other books. I'm still not convinced there are enough potential customers to do it, but I had this thought yesterday during lunch: why didn't I just order my own goddamn sweet potato fries? I also had this thought: What if I did an audio version, but I recorded and released it episodically?

I haven't moved that idea from the "Crazy" file into the "Awesome" file yet, but I'm considering it. If you're one of the people who wants an audio version of Memories, I'd be very interested to hear any thoughts you have about that idea.

…

I may be inheriting a bunch of AD&D modules and a full set of First Edition AD&D (not first printing, first edition) core books. If it happens, I think I'm going to be compelled to get some of my friends together to play, using the rules we all grew up playing. I've been re-reading (for the third time this year) my D&D Basic Rules books, just in case. You know, so I can be ready.

…

I have an idea for a scary story. It involves a monster and a swamp. I hope I can scrape it out of my brain in time to release it for Halloween.

Boy do I love Halloween. We're finally getting to decorate today, which means it's time for Mad Monster Party and Nightmare Before Christmas, too.

…

Finally, this will get its own post, but I'm so thrilled to find this that I had to include it here: someone recorded all of w00tstock 1.1 from Los Angeles earlier this week, and uploaded it. It's an audience recording, so you can pretend you are actually sitting at Largo next to the guy who recorded it! If it's the guy I think it was, he had a magnificent pimp hat on. If it's not … well, now you know that there was a guy at w00tstock in LA with a magnificent pimp hat, and you have yet another reason to wish you were there, sukka.

ugly bags of mostly water

Posted on 23 October, 2009 By Wil

I know, I know, posting Twitter conversations is the new posting pictures of your cat, but if you'll indulge me one more time, I think some of you will be glad you did:

@levarburton: The Angels have demonstrated genuine character tonite… Unlike the Dodgers who simply punked out!!!

@wilw: @levarburton The Dodgers were as lame and disappointing in the playoffs as the Ferengi were in season one of TNG. THIS IS A TRUE FACT.

@levarburton: @wilw LMAO!!! Genuine spit take.! Seriously…there's Pepsi all over the couch!!!!

One of my biggest, most lasting regrets from the TNG years is that I wasn't closer to the rest of the cast. I mean, we all liked each other, and we had a great time working together, but I couldn't hang out with them after work, because they were adults and I was a kid (and I doubt any of them would have been interested in playing 40K or Car Wars with me while we listened to Boingo, anyway). One of the many things I love about Twitter is that it gave me a chance to reconnect with LeVar and Brent, at a time in our lives when we can relate to each other the way I always wanted to. Technology is awesome. 

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