Slow Emotion Replay

So you’ve probably noticed that my posts the last week or so have kind of sucked. I haven’t had much to say, and the things that I have had to say haven’t been, well, funny, or very interesting. Now, I’m not trolling for sympathy here, so don’t bother. I really don’t want that. I want to write about how I’m feeling right now, in the hopes that I will get some Zen from it, or at least feel better when I’m done.
I’m super depressed recently. Really unhappy, and very upset with just about everything, personally, professionally, and with the world we live in, and life in general.
I am profoundly shaken by what’s happening in our world now, and being labeled “against us” is really upsetting to me. It is just sheer idiocy to blindly follow anyone, in my opinion, and what I see happening now is just that. If you’re not a sheep following George and the Majority, you’re somehow complicit, and you think it’s a good thing that 6000 innocent people died on September 11. If you value your privacy, and don’t think it’s a good idea for the federal government to have the authority to walk into your house whenever they feel like it, you’re not patriotic. Well, I for one am absolutely sick of this shit. The USA act has cleared Congress, with minimal debate, and awaits a signature from the Oval Office, and I am just sick about it. I’m not trying to sound alarmist, I’m really not, but go read some of the provisions included in the bill. We have just taken a huge step towards becoming a police state. The horse is so out of the barn, that I don’t think we’ll ever be able to put it back in. Think of it this way: our politicians all privately agree that the War On Drugs is a complete and utter failure, and has done NOTHING to help addicts, or stop people from abusing drugs, yet they funnel BILLIONS of dollars into it each year, so they don’t appear “soft on drugs.” The same thing is going to happen with terrorism. These laws have some “sunset clauses”, but they’re not going to be repealed, because congress doesn’t want to appear “soft on terrorism”. So many of the fundamental rights that we’ve all taken for granted are in serious danger.
I am sick and tired of the farking government shoving itself into virtually every aspect of my life, and we as a nation are completely to blame for that. How many of us didn’t vote? How many people will write letters to UPN when they pre-empt “Buffy”, but won’t write their Mayor, or their Congressman? I know that there are still people left in the country like me, who are progressive, and activist, but our voice has increasingly become a lone cry in a hurricane of lobbyists and Big Business interests. Now, we compete with the Siren’s wail of “patriotism”.
What happened to our revolution? It was bought out by Wal*Mart and Microsoft, Starbucks and Coca Cola. They say that a Democracy gives the people a government that they deserve. Shame on us all.
I am scared to death to fly now. More than I’ve ever been, and recent events have just affirmed what I’ve felt all along: airport security in the US is a complete joke. It’s window dressing, meant to convey a false sense of security to the masses, so they’ll keep flying.
I feel helpless to have any effect in all of this now, and that feeling is just killing me. I remember when I was 18, working on Toy Soldiers in Virginia. Keith Coogan and I drove up to DC for a day, to see all the things around The Mall. I went into the National Archives, and looked at the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution. I read the Bill of Rights, and I cried. I was so moved by it, and felt so proud to live in a country where “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
I was profoundly moved, and understood what it meant that “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”
Those rights, so fundamental to our very existence, have been steadily eroded in my lifetime, and I fear that the passage of the USA act has stripped away most of what is left. I mean, it’s only a matter of time before I get sent to a “Patriot Camp” to “Re-educate” me about my ideas, when I write things like this.
(Okay, that’s hyperbolic, but you get my drift, right?)
On a more personal note, I am just tired. I’m depressed and I feel like my life is under siege. I’m so farking sick of not working that I’m ready to dig a hole and never come out. Not getting the job on Win Ben Stein’s Money was devastating to me. I know that I was good enough for it, because the executive producer told me so. I know that coming in second is great, because lots of people didn’t make it to even the final four, but that doesn’t pay my bills, or feed my family. I am so tired of coming in second, I’m feeling like I should just hang them up, go back to college, and find a new career. It is becoming harder and harder to support my family by just being an actor. What do you think would be worse? Not making it out of basecamp, or dying 100 meters from the peak of Everest? I feel like Sisyphus.
The worst thing about being an actor is not working. The second worst thing about being an actor is knowing that your whole life could turn around in a second, with one phone call. No wonder so many of us end up dead, or in a cult.
I’m also having a hard time with some of the attention I’m getting from this site. Some stuff is beginning to creep me out, and is making me VERY uncomfortable. Bear with me a second here, while I attempt to explain what’s going on…I’m getting tons of emails, and some of them are very, very disturbing. People think that, because I write this site, or because I reply to an email, that we’re best friends. That is so not the case. In my real life, I can count my “friends” on both my hands. My close friends can be counted with 4 fingers. Friendship is not something that I take lightly, and it creeps me out that others would throw the term around with such ease. Look, having this site has been, and will hopefully continue to be lots of fun, and I think it’s super cool that such a large community has sprung up here…but you gotta respect my limits. The internet gives such a false sense of intimacy, and I’m feeling like I have to waaayyy pull back here, or take the whole damn thing offline altogether. I actually got an angry email from someone who was pissed that I’d “turned my back on all my gay fans”, because “I had gotten married and I have kids”. WTF is that?! The nerve of some people is really, really wearing on me.
That interview I did for Adequacy really came back to bite me in the ass. I was led to believe that it was going to be a funny, sarcastic, satirical thing, but it would appear that I am the butt of the joke there. I hope they’re kidding, but being called a crass, sexist, oaf really hurts me, because nothing could be further from the truth. Someone says that I am “so despicable, on so many levels”. Why? Because I made some jokes in an interview that was supposed to be a joke? I honestly don’t understand some most people. I guess it’s my own fault for being trusting. I got trolled, and trolled but good. Congratulations.
I remember, back in the day, when people had this agenda, and it was to prove to themselves and anyone who cared to listen, that because Wesley Crusher was someone they didn’t like, Wil Wheaton was a jackass too. So they’d take things I said, out of context, and use them to support their position, and prove to the world (or at least their local Star Trek club) that they were right. I can’t believe that shit is still going on. It’s exactly what happened with that Entertainment Weekly blurb. That woman who did the “review” could have EASILY emailed me, and gotten some context, or some comments, but she was determined to show how we were all losers and has-beens, so that’s what she did.
There is nothing worse for an actor than being called a has-been, because it’s an inevitability in your career, and if happens before you’re 30, well, you’re farked. Perception is everything, and being perceived as a has-been just kills me. I don’t think of myself that way, but it seems that, because idiots like The Coreys and the rest of them are all fuckups and burnouts that the rest of us are, too.
Finally, something happened today while I was at my mom’s house: I got officially, completely and utterly sick to death of Star Trek. I was standing in her kitchen, and I suddenly went from zero to completely sick of it. I still like to watch it, and I think it’s cool, but I quit when I was 18 so I wouldn’t be 30 and still living it…well, now I’m still living it, I’m just not getting paid to do it anymore. Doing conventions used to be lots of fun…but I can’t do them anymore. Either I’m in, or I’m out, you know? I got out, and I have to stay out.
Do you know how many emails I get everyday that say, “I hated your character”? Jesus. I think it’s well meaning, (they usually follow up with something like “but you seem cool”, like the jury is still out, because they have such an attachment to hating that stupid character) but enough already, okay? I get it. It’s over, guys.
It’s no wonder that I can’t find my funny. I am so ready for it to come back, but it’s buried beneath a mountain of shit, and every time I shovel some of it away, twice as much comes back.
I hate feeling this way.
Hrm. I was hoping that I’d feel better, but I don’t, really.
Goddammit.
I want Spudnuts to come back.