Longview

I woke up this morning to find my entire dining room table covered in cat pee.
Goddamn Felix. He won’t use the cat box, and I guess he didn’t get to go out early enough last night…so he decided to use the grocery bag on the table. Little bastard even got some on my cool G4 hat.
Why do I bring this up? To show, by example, why I haven’t written anything in 2 days.
I got nothin’, man. Nada. Zero. I got UPN ratings for ideas to write about, my friends.
I think it has to do with my cooler-than-me, funnier-than-me, better-looking-than-me wife’s previous entry. I haven’t had anything that could top that, except for the final installment of SpongeBob Vega$Pants, but I haven’t had time to write that up…and it’s killing me, believe me!
Oh, and I’ve been printing out all your comments, and giving them to her. You guys have all made her feel really, really happy, and I want to thank you, sincerely, for being so cool. Maybe we can talk her into coming and playing with us sometime again, in six months or so. 🙂
So I sit here this morning, constantly refreshing the traffic map, waiting for a break, so I can leave for work, sipping this Chai mate tea that I just got, lamenting my lack of inspiration.
Oh! The cat pee reminds me of something funny that happened when I was doing the “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sunday Show” show at ACME last year. My friend Kate had written this really funny sketch, that was a take off on PBS’s “Great Performances”, where a bunch of us wore all black, and performed 80s pop-tunes as dramatic spoken word pieces. It was hellafunny, and it was one of my favorite sketches in the show. For my costume, I wore black jeans, socks and shoes, and a black shirt, that was sort of a “hipster” shirt, that I got at Hot Topic. It was polyester, short-sleeved, and had this pseudo-shiny stuff up the center. Boy, that description really makes it sound gay, doesn’t it? Trust me, it was fairly cool.
So we’re all changing backstage, getting ready for “Great Performances”. I can hear the audience dying, cracking up to “Let’s Swap”, we’re all talking a bunch of shit to each other, because that’s what actors do, as we’re changing.
I pull my shirt over my head, and sit down on the couch to tie my shoes…and I am overwhelmed with this terrible, terrible smell. So I ask Maz if he smells it. He does not. Dara doesn’t smell it, either, nor do Chris or Kevin. But Cynthia is sitting next to me, and she smells it, and we both realize that it’s my shirt, but we can’t quite place the horrible smell…it’s not just cat pee…it’s something more, probably because of the chemical interaction between polyester and cat pee. Dammit, I wish DATA were here. He’d know what it was.
What?
So I realize that I have a pretty serious problem: we are on in less than a minute, and I smell like something you’d find in a back alley in Hell’s Kitchen, right after Republican budget cuts have forced the closure of another homeless shelter.
So what do I do? I suck it up, and I go out there, like a man. A cat-pee-stinkin’ man, and I do my bit in the sketch, and I make the audience laugh, while making Dan Fester, who is standing next to me, nearly gag.
Why?
Because the show must go on, Virginia. The show must go on.

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167 thoughts on “Longview”

Kellyv:
Ooops. Sh*t like that happens when I’m too sleepy to stand up, but not yet aware….and, I just recently learned the names of the Wheaton pets. Got ’em mixed up.
I’m not any more awake now – just getting sip #2 of my coffee. I wonder, does Wil look back on his older posts to see if any fresh comments have been made? It takes me all day to read everything! It’s a full-time job.
Corky

*banging head against the keyboard*
Must.not.comment.
Ok, the voices in my head have now been sedated, so I can say this one little thingy-poo:
Wil, I know you’re not a ‘phobe, and frankly, I didn’t even catch the word in the post when I first read it. Read it a few more times after seeing the uproar. Hm.
If I’m catching context right, I’m thinking you actually weren’t quite using it the way folks think you were, which is to say, the way that stupid 14 year olds who actually *are* ‘phobic do, but rather the way I’d approach my faggiest friends and say, “My, Rafe, that’s quite the faggy shirt you have on today.”
As for some of the rest of y’all: Unfortunately, just because it’s become common for the young fellers and fillies to use “gay” when they really mean “lame” doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. Most other fads that start with demented 14 year olds aren’t exactly bright, either.
*HOWEVER* I seriously don’t think that’s how Wil was using the word. Wil is a big boy. A big, intelligent boy. A big, intelligent liberal boy who I think is totally cool for not becoming a sexist homophobic jerk due to all the shitlipped morons who decided he was gay when he was 12 and have been attacking him ever since because they think gay is evil and like to accuse people of it. (Unlike moi. I think gay is cool, and accuse cool people of it 🙂 ) Now, I’ll admit that I take some nitpicky issue with some of Wil’s views on a few things, and one of these days hope to have a lovely dialogue about those issues. Or at least write him a pretty letter about them.
But not this issue. Wil’s cool on this one. Go Wil.

“You kissed a girl? That’s so gay.”

the show must go on– whether you break your leg or your shirt is reeking of cat pee. stage acting is the best– it was for more than half my life ^-^ but that aside–
be thankful your cat peed on your shirt. (what?! girl, you are crazy, i know you’re thinking that) do you know what I wouldn’t do right now to have my dog piss on something of mine? that’s how much i miss my dog. i’m away from home (study abroad) and i have been looking forward to july when i go home, and i get off the plane and my dog will be waiting in the car to take me home (before i was gonna have to wait to get home but now with all the extra security at airports, my parents have to wait in the car too, so the dog could stay in the car with them. so something good came out of it all after all, right?)
he got hit by a car two weeks ago. and that’s it, that’s my dog, i will never see him again. i won’t have his annoying hairs in my bed between my sheets, i won’t have him piss in my bed (he peed in my bed before i left twice because he didn’t want me to go), i won’t have him wake me up in the middle of the night with his annoying barking at the random squirrel or cat who wanders into our back yard.
to make a long story short– be thankful for what you have. maybe felix the cat is having a hard time with someone/thing. try talking to him. (cat psychology X-x; if felix is anything like my dog, a little talk always helps) and be thankful you still have your cat. lord knows I’d do anything for my dog back.

We’d just finished moving our old, queen-sized bed into the guest room so the guests would have someplace comfy to sleep (while we traded up to king-size upstairs). It was tough work, so we knocked off for the day, figured we’d put sheets and all on it in the morning.
In the morning, cat pee all over queen-sized mattress. Queen-sized mattress moved to garage, waiting for “haul-your-large-garbage-away” day. We had to buy a new one.
And why’d they decide they had to pee on it in the guest room? They never peed on it when it was in our bedroom. Damn cats are expensive.

Wil,
if you are looking for something to do, how about replying to this question:
http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=25833&cid=2823329
you did promise you would reply, after all – you emailed me 🙂
regards
Aziz

bluesman said: “Hmmm, I disagree, one of the things that seems to make this site work is freedom of speech. & If everyone agreed about everthing here, how boring would that be?
Cardonia said he/she was offended and upset and typed out what was on his/her mind; probably could have been less “Fuck You in the Ass”(not that theres anything wrong with fucking in the ass) about it.”
Sure, I agree with you on that. I’m not saying that everyone has to agree with each other. She has every right to disagree with something that is said. My point was she flew off the handle without questioning it first. I reiterate. If you don’t like what you read here then don’t come back. It’s your right to. Voice your opinion, yes. Be cruel, rude and go ballistic – not cool.

*wiping tears of laughter from my eyes*
Thanks Wil! Your post made my day. Here I was, surfing the net and feeling generally grouchy, when all of a sudden I get side-swiped by a cat pee story.
Fortunately my cats know how to use the litter box but they’re very talented when it comes to scratching the furniture, knocking things over and making noise. I also have a cat who will fetch a ball of paper. I swear, she must be part dog!
By the way, I love the site. I’ve only visited a few times so far but I’ll definitely keep coming back! Thanks!:)

Just a thought… does the use of the word “lame” offend people with disabilities? 🙂
*thinking I should just let this thread die but I post anyway*

:o) You people crack me up. Thanks…between Roughy, Rob, noworriesmon…the list is growing…I enjoy when I get the time to drop by and see what’s up on the board for discussion.
Enjoying it all,

Mandy – you’re opening up a whole new can of worms!!!!!!!! 🙂 Naughty, naughty!

Re: “If you don’t like what you read here then don’t come back”
There is no context that this statement can be made in that would apply to this web site and it still be the really cool website that it is.
Even when wil gets pissed off, I dont ever remember him saying anything like that at all.
I think if a person is really pissed off about something, they should go ahead an go balistic, WTFN? Type out your gut reaction, dont even check for spelling, etc, and Boom, hit return before you wimp out.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I’m about 2 days too late, but I really wanted to post anyway.
Most of the people who posted in response to the ‘gay’ comment reffered back to their gay friend, cousin, gerbil, whatever, and how they were offended, weren’t offended, or died of heartbreak over Wil’s description of the shirt as “gay”.
I’m Joe, I’m a 17 (soon to be 18!!!) year old senior in high school, and I’m gay. And I promise you that reffering to things as “gay” did not die out in the 1980’s.
I’m a lot of things, but I’m also not a dumbass. I know that our illustrious Mr. Wheaton didn’t intend or even succeed in really offending anyone with his comment. However, it [the comment] did send a short twinge through my head, reminding me of a much quieter, repressed, and closeted 9th grade me. It was slightly unsettling. It still bugs me when my friends or enemies refer to something as ‘gay’ when it is uncalled for.
No matter what words you use, it’s connotation that is key…that’s what caused the uproar, and also my brain twinge.
Basically I didn’t know if he called the shirt gay because it was fruity-looking, or because he thought it was strange/weird/trying to get with his married ass. I would have liked some clarification, but in the long run, I truly don’t give a crap. It’s just that, in my eyes, my peers who strive hard to seem mature for their lofty 17.66667 years drop in my opinoin pole when they call their turkey sandwich “gay”. It ellicts emotional responses that I can’t explain, and I know that it’s not just me. I’m not trying to repress anybody’s freedom of speech, but just to be aware of stuff like this. Not every is so understanding.
However, if I was wrong and the shirt really WAS fruity and he just didn’t clarify that, I’d just like to point out that the black shirt that I bought from Hot Topic definately sounds much gayer than yours, Wil…mine is fishnet, thus allowing full view of my nipples for the world to see when worn. Try and one up that one…

You know… I’m reminded of sites like this one:
http://www.bonsaikitten.com/bkintro.html
Just one of many sites out there that makes the baby Jesus cry.
~j