As I write this, Anne is behind me, doing some workout video tape, and I can just hear the breathless voice of the girl who is leading the workout saying, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, doesn’t that feel good? Don’t stop, you’re almost there *pant* *pant*”
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was watching “Debbie Does 7 Minute Abs” or something…but anyway…
A few weeks ago, I did an interview for the 4th season DVD release of Star Trek: TNG. While I was at Paramount doing my interview, a friend of mine who writes for Star Trek: The Magazine asked me if she could talk to me about a special issue they were doing, focusing on the second season. I told her that I’d be glad to do the interview, if they’d put me on a mailing list, and send me issues of the magazine.
Hey, daddy needs to get nice things, you know?
So she said that’d be no problem, and we did the interview. It was really cool, and I won’t spoil it for you by talking about it here. It should be on the stands in a month or so.
On Friday, my first issue of the magazine showed up, and the whole thing is devoted to the first season of TNG. It focuses mostly on the behind the scenes aspects, with all these cool production drawings, interviews with the producers (Bob Justman says that “Wil Wheaton was always going to be our Wesley”), and a brief history of that first season.
Reading it really made me feel nostalgic, and I was flooded with wonderful memories from those years.
As I read it, I got to thinking…I have some unfinished business here…so, today, my dear Sunday reader, I am proud to give to you:
SPONGEBOB VEGA$ PANTS: SCREAM SPONGEBOB, SCREAM!
When we last left our intrepid hero, he had finished performing the highly anticipated “Mind Meld presents: Assimilate This!”.
With minimal rehearsal, with less than ideal performing conditions, and needing to pee for the last 30 minutes of the show, we had managed to pull it off. The crowd loved us, and would have made me cry, if I was not, as I have pointed out many times before, such a complete badass.
So, to pick things up…
The house empties out, and I run at mach 4 to the bathroom. When I get back into the ballroom, I get the most important review, of all. My wife comes up to me, puts her arms around me, and says, “Honey, you were great. I’ve never laughed so hard in my whole life.”
We stand in the ballroom for a few minutes, and I feel the familiar rush of left over adrenaline that I get at the end of every show. Even though it’s been a hellishly long day, and I’ve performed twice (once on stage with the sketch group, and once during my talk) I’ve got this massive surge of energy, and I must use it.
So we pack up the show, say goodnight to my parents, and head out into Vega$ for some drinks, some slots, some craps, and some fun. We can’t decide where we are going to go, because it’s a weekend, and most of the casinos have insanely high table minimums, and somehow we all end up at The Rio. Now, I’m not too crazy about The Rio, since they kicked out De La Guarda, which is, I think, one of the coolest and most unique shows I’ve ever seen. But we ended up there, anyway.
Travis and I were really hungry, and just wanted to get something to eat, and the rest of the gang just wanted to get a few drinks in them and throw some money away — er, I mean, gamble. So Travis and I head off to some 24 hour restaurant in the hotel (walking, of course, through the casino, then through more of the casino, and, finally, past some slot machines). The rest of the crew heads up to some club at the top of the hotel, which they later tell us is filled with poseurs, and I try to act surprised.
Travis and I talk about the show, and how it went. It’s funny when you get two actor/writers together. We did a really good show, and we were, and are, very proud of it…but we can only talk about the things that we didn’t like. We talk about the fact that I should have picked up a mic at the end of the show to say my thank yous and introduce the group. I was unhappy that I flubbed some lines, and could have had a funnier ad-lib here or there…but that’s the nature of being a perfectionist, I guess. It’s also the reason most of my shows are so good. I won’t allow myself to do anything less than my absolute best, and I am always pushing myself to be better.
So Travis and I deconstruct the show, talk about the possibility of taking it on the road, talk about how much fun we had, complain about how horrible the farking food is, and we head back to meet the rest of the gang, in the casino.
So, by now, it’s got to be close to 2AM, and that adrenaline buzz is wearing off. Remember when you were a teenager, and you’d just started hanging out all night? That first or second time you stayed up all night with your friends, watching the sun rise, thinking to yourself how cool it was that you were awake this late, never wanting the night to end? That’s how we all felt…but we’re all exhausted, and some of us have to fly home early the next morning. So we gamble a bit, I collect on a bet from Tracy Burns (she had to buy me a scotch. I forget why, now), and we say a teary farewell.
We all go our Separate Ways, seeking out our own Frontiers, filled with Lights, knowing that we’ll never Stop Believin’.
What happened there? Sorry.
Anne and I return to our we-would-never-get-this-if-we-were-paying-for-it suite at Bellagio, and fall asleep before our heads even hit the pillows.
The next morning, we get up, eat breakfast, and pack our bags. We’re going to stay the rest of the weekend, so we can attend the party at The Star Trek Experience on Sunday night, but we’re not staying at Bellagio any more. We’re moving to Monte Carlo.
I’ve decided to spend the day sitting in the Autograph room at the convention, so people who missed me the first two days can get their picture or autograph, and so I can hawk my friend’s CD. (if any of you were RFB listeners, before it went off the air, you may have heard me play them from time to time)
The thing is, it kind of sucks. I realize that I’m spending the entire day there, really to sign what amounts to less than 10 pictures, and I only convince 3 people that Warp 11 is really funny. I also know that 2 of our friends (Stephanie, who introduced me to Anne, and BURNS! who is one of our best friends) are on their way to meet us, so I decide that I’m done. I pack up, and screw up the courage to introduce myself to Alan Ruck, who played Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and was in some Trek movie, I guess. He is really cool, and as excited to meet me as I am to meet him, which always surprises me and makes me feel good.
I meet Anne, Steph, and BURNS! at the Monte Carlo, where I am discover what will be the theme for the remainder of our trip. That theme is “Who can be the most rude to Wil and his friends?”
Now, here is the thing. I am an extremely patient, understanding, forgiving person, when I am in a restaurant, or at the front desk of a hotel, or dealing with any person who works in the “service industry.” I figure that most people treat them badly, talking down to them, and stuff, and I really go out of my way to be extra nice, and patient with them. I also know that they may appreciate this, and hook a brother up with a free desert or something, so it’s not completely altruistic. Hey, at least I’m honest about it, preachy.
When we’re checking in, the girl who is checking us in is really cool. She’s sweet, friendly, helpful, and all the things you’d hope for. She tells us that we’re in some sort of suite, and I tell her that we were just at the Bellagio, and while we were staying in that suite they gave us some sort of VIP pass, for some lounge or something, and a buffet line pass.
Tangent: let me tell you, when you’re in Vega$ during a busy weekend, having that buffet or cafe line pass is GOLD. The last two times I’ve been in Vega$, which I hate, by the way, the lines for restaurants have been insane, and I would have sold my soul for a line pass. (Don’t get too excited. My picture’s been taken so many times, I don’t have any soul left)
End of Tangent.
So the girl tells me that she isn’t sure, but I can go and ask Casino Services if the suites at Monte Carlo come with the same pass as the suites at Bellagio. I cross the large lobby, and enter through some french doors to the Casino Services area. It’s a small room, with a lovingly handcrafted particle board desk, and two armed chairs. A pinched woman is sitting behind the desk, and she makes no effort to mask her obvious contempt for me as I approach her.
“Can I help you?” she sneers.
“Yeah,” I tell her, and proceed to explain the situation at Bellagio, and I ask her if Monte Carlo has a similar policy.
Although I am taller than her, and she is sitting at a desk, she somehow manages to look down her nose at me. She tells me, with complete disdain, “No, sir. Our Casino Premiums [you can hear in her voice that she capitalizes those words in her mind] are reserved for a certain caliber of guest.”
A certain caliber of guest?! Did she just say that?!
I take a second to imagine how hollow her life must be when she’s not sitting behind that desk, and I thank her for her time. Remember, I’m patient, forgiving and understanding.
I cross back to the check-in desk, and the girl asks me if the woman was able to help me. I tell her that she was not able to help me, and, in fact, insulted me. I tell her that when that woman told me that they “are reserved for a certain caliber of guest”, what she clearly communicated to me was that I was not of a certain caliber, and therefore not worthy of her time.
I was upset. Not because I didn’t get that magic card, I mean, that’s their policy, so that’s fine with me. I don’t expect preferential treatment, ever (well, unless I’m at Jumbo’s Clown Room, but that’s more like frequent flier miles, if you get my drift). What upset me was the way she talked to me. The way she treated me as if I was beneath her from the moment I walked in.
A manager has heard me relaying my story to the check-in girl, and she has joined the conversation. She apologizes many times, and asks me to wait a minute. She crosses to the Casino Services room, and I see her have a heated exchange with the woman behind the desk of power. She then returns, and gives me, Anne, Steph and BURNS! these cool VIP passes, which are good for lines, shows, and get us into some sort of lounge on an upper floor of the hotel. She apologizes many times, and implores us to enjoy our stay. I am impressed with her kindness, and for a brief second I bask in the customer service.
We head up to our room, Steph and BURNS! head off to meet one of our other friends, Jen, and Anne and I unpack, and take a nap.
Isn’t the weird? We take lots of naps in Vega$. I think it’s because we really like to stay out all night, or as close to all night, as we can. I think that staying out all night is part of the mystique of Vega$.
I wanna digress for a minute, and talk about the mystique of Vega$. See, I think that we all want to buy into the “romance” of Vega$. That thing that the city has, as portrayed in “Viva Las Vegas!” and “Swingers” and anything concerning the Rat Pack. We want to believe that it is the land of all-you-can-eat $2.00 buffets, where we are always one pull of the slot machine away from the Rainman suite. But the truth is, Vega$ is a sad, hollow, tragic monument to greed and excess, where parents dump their kids at the edge of the casino with some fast food while they get drunk and gamble. It’s a place where you’ll find more unemployed locals than tourists at a five dollar buffet, and it’s more like “Taxicab Confessions” than anything else. I can only take it for 48 hours at a time…and this time, I was there for 5 freakin’ days. However, it does have Nomi Malone, and Nomi’s got heat, so it’s not all bad.
So we take our nap, and we get ready for our big night out. We’ve got reservations at this restaurant that is supposed to be really cool, and I’ve even put on a clean shirt to go out.
NEXT TIME:
Dinner at Chez Midlife Crisis!
The Roulette that ate my wallet!
And
The Star Trek Experience
When WWDN presents, Spongebob Vega$Pants: The Final Chapter!
Discover more from WIL WHEATON dot NET
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Again, I live in Kansas. We are not talking about rational people.
Reading the Spongester while listening to the Black Sabbath “Paranoid” album was…….interesting.
Wow, someone noticed me. I think I’ll have a party. At least someone cares. Even if it’s only about booty.
Alexa, I think it’s great that you teach. I once considered it, but I know I would suck at it. I have zero patience. I have two really good friends who teach at the high school level and props to them for surviving. It’s shit that you guys have to take so much crap and get paid so little. I couldn’t take it. So take that as a compliment. You have much stronger character than I. Good luck. 🙂
it all cums back to the booty doesnt it..
Hey you’re not in Kansas City are you? I go to Mizzou and I’ve been told by people who used to go there that they lost their accreditation (sp) and half the teachers lost their jobs. I hope you never find yourself in a position like that.
God NO! I am in Topeka for 6 more weeks and then KC. I am planning on teaching in Shawnee Mission, Kansas. KCMO lost their accreditation and the state is now running the district. I don’t know which is better.
the new 311 music.. its awesome..
thoughts?
also I saw the time machine.. new movie.. IT SUCKED. tried to be planet of the apes.. LAME!
When I was a child,
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look, but it was gone,
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown.
The dream is gone…
i once walked in to a bar.
my head really hurt after that..
Wow! I log on for one last check of things before bed and find SpongeBobVega$Pants! With wild Journey references! Whoda thunk it?
Hey Pmacca01, don’t sweat it. There are much worse things than not being acknowledged in the comments.
Things like seeing over 100 comments already on a new entry by the time you see it for the first time, for instance. ; )
Or, hops’ little bar pun there… : )
I know, just giving myself something to complain about.
Yeah, even worse is reading hops’ pun and NOT getting it, ascribing the headache to an eventual hangover. Then realizing that you were accepted at all the top law schools in the nation and wondering what the state of the world could possibly be.
Ooooh…that is bad…
But I must commend hops for coming up with one of those reaaaalllly bad puns that isn’t quite obvious if you approach it from a higher level of thinking.
Sort of like when a termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
LOL…I like that one.
What I want to know, is why is Wil at Jumbo’s Clown Room? Didn’t think I would actually see him there. hmmm…
Oh, man, Jon, that’s poor. The worst part about it is it reminds me of the following joke.
A piece of string wanders into a bar, gets up to the counter and asks for a drink.
The bartender sneers at him and says “We don’t serve any string here.”
So the piece of string is heartbroken and wanders away.
He goes up to a mirror back at his pad and takes both his ends and fans them out, quite prettily. Then, he whirls himself around to look much denser and tougher than he was before. He then marches back to the bar, authoritatively.
The new and improved piece of string hops up to the stool and orders a drink.
The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks:
“Hey, aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out of here??”
The string replies “No sir, I’m a frayed not.”
THAT’S ALL FOLKS!
/me ducks the flying tomatoes and scampers off to bed.
“a frayed knot” that is. Damn, how bad is it when you misspell monosyllabic words and can’t even have the excuse of typing too quickly…?
Oh god…torture!!!
whoa…
that was bitchin!!!
Wil wheaton…..thats all that can be said. When I read about this site a flood of memories just came back the times you made me laugh and cry, with the leeches…and that movie with the train…and that movie with keifer sutherland…and that movie with feldman and his burnt fucking ear…and that movie where you strive to find a dead kid…..wait that was all one movie. But it was a great one. And that one where your a football player? Or something. I dunno but dammit your a funny funny man! You bring me laughter with your stories and bring laughter to the masses i would hope! Keep watching kevin smith movies! and liking them! And listening to good music that we enjoy to be called punk rock! YES! And most of all do not let that fucker from the DELL computer commercials make a website…hopefully the power of all that is wil wheaton can stop that occurence that may already be IN FACT a site…let us pray. You know you and Jason Lee should be in a movie a kevin smith movie and perhaps since you would like to work with him, it will be soon! oh for i hope. Oh lord shine down upon me I have released the devil. I have one main question wil: Have you ever met Patirck Duffy? Step by step, eek times 2. farwell.
Dont worry Pmacca01, I love you (referring to an earlier post). And I noticed the crack mention.
Hey, it took me quite some time ( and being near the top) for me to get noticed by Wil. In other words…I got lucky
Wow! 123 comments in less than a day! Amazing.
Anyway, Wil, have you ever been to one of those Chinese restaurants with waiters from Hong Kong? The really really rude ones? Are you nice to them as well?
Damn… by the time I get to say anything the topic has skewed a bit…. anyway, I would like to recommend a book to y’all who likes to look at the allure of viva las vegas baby,
What do you get when you managed to convince/con your publisher for an advance of $50,000 to gamble in Vegas so you can write a book?
I recommend, 24/7: Doubling Down and Living it up in Las Vegas. Funny book as hell. As a guy who was there for a month (long story), it is so true.
I also saw Elvis…… made my day.
Mr. Wheaton (SIR!),
I’ll cross-post it in the soapbox when I can get the [insert several colorful expletives here] thing to load the religion/politics board.
*hint*
*hint* *hint*
I hadn’t really intended it as a political rant, though–that’s why I stfu instead of going into one of my typical posts….
JSc
Thanks for the laugh Wil-
That woman disgusts us too, along with her counterparts who find it amusing to “look down noses” at us the way she did because we wait on them.
The world would be a much different place if people would remember that karma is cyclical…
and repetitive.
I can’t help but smile at the way it came back to her, and so rapidly! 🙂
i dont think we’ll ever get a star trek convention here. oh, woe is me. (completely off subject) i used to chat at scifi.com, hung out in #startrekchat back in the days when the original star trek was simulcast(or what i think means that everyone saw it at the same time) anyhow.. i’d get bored and talk to the bot that kept the channel open. it was named “tricorder”.. isn’t that clever @_@.. i think im trying to say i want scifi to simulcast the show again. yeah.. that’s my point. heh..
now i’m angry.
Apparently the desk woman doesn’t have high caliber self esteem, or she wouldn’t act like that. Empty indeed, and her punishment for being such a bi-yatch is to have to wait on the very people she admires (God knows why) but whom will never accept her as one of their own. A shallow and sad existence. You were too forgiving. I would have at least strutted back by her desk, waved the passes and gloated. But that’s just me, I guess.
Somewhat on topic (for a change!), though I’ve never had the chance (or really the desire) to go to Vegas, I *will* be at LLNL in California for a month this summer.
If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to talk everyone into going to see Mr. Wheaton (SIR!) live.
Who would have thought that being a chemistry geek would score me a trip to California?
By the way, I can’t stand Vegas.
Son of a weenie… STNG on DVD and the Spouse Thingy is spending $25 a month to get the whole frigging series from Columbia House on VIDEO TAPE. If I tell him, he will want it. If I don’t, by the time he has all the tapes he’ll have blown over $2000. I wonder how far into it he is, after buying a tape a month for the last THREE years…
[vent over]
I wanna go to Vega$ and feed money into slot machines, but I think there’s a law that once you hit 40, you have to have dinner at 4pm and be out of the casino and in bed by 7… and what’s the fun in that…?
=sigh=
It sucks to get old…
Who doesn’t love Pmacca01?
C’mon, you know you do.
Alan Ruck played a hapless Captain of Enterprise on it’s maiden voyage, “a spin around the solar system and back to dry dock.” I forgot the name of the film but it’s the one where Kirk buys the farm for good.
k
OMG! I had nearly forgotten about that horrible woman during check-in at the hotel.
Looking forward to the rest of the story, particularly dinner at Chez Midlife Crisis. It occurs to me that the picture that I finally got to you guys was immediately following that dinner.
Always interesting to hear someone else’s take on shared experiences.
This is SO 126 posts ago, but that Corky Nemec link was really freaky!
I’ve only been to the Vegas airport. It was really late at night, and I remember seductive voices over the intercom saying “This is your lady luck…”
And no one ever notices me either. But I notice you. I look through your lockers. I read your letters. I am the eyes and ears of this institution! (guess the movie)
Ducky was so the cheese.
And then he went back to high school with those blonde-colored streaks in his hair in that other movie.
And he got the chick, damn him.
Looks like that IS how it happens in the movies…and to movie stars.
Glad you got your star, Wil.
Gimme my cheese back.
Casinos have this sound and smell to them that is not as exciting as the owners would have you believe. It’s a mixture of the sounds of hundreds of slot machines, some anonymous music being played on public address systems, and the smell of stale cigarette smoke. The first casino I ever visited was cheap, sad, and had a few loners in there, bored out of their gourds pulling the one-armed bandits.
We have a self-imposed limit that we follow when we visit casinos (which isn’t too often) — when the limit is spent, that’s it. Sure we’ve won a bit of money, but, we don’t go to too many of them these days. And, frankly, as you describe Wil, the allure that we all bought into from people like Sinatra, Dean Martin, etc. etc. just crumbles in the face of the reality that stalks these casino towns.
Last year I was a lecturer on a cruise ship (all expenses paid for me and the spousal unit). It was a blast! But, one thing I noticed — with all the hundreds of things to do and the gorgeous scenery around (we were in South America), there were still a few folks who spent nearly the entire time sitting in the casino, playing roulette or the machines. One woman was in there nearly every day, gambling away her time and money while the ship moved through some of the most gorgeous places on Earth.
One last casino story… in Colorado we voted in limited-stakes gambling in order to “preserve” the historical towns of Black Hawk, Central City, and Leadville — and I think some of the money goes to shore up the state budget (I forget).
These three towns were once mining towns high in the Rockies, little villages surrounded by tailing dumps and gashes in the sides of the mountains. After most of the mines closed down, they became tourist destinations and banked on their “quaintness.” I always thought they looked like movie sets, but their one saving grace was that the scenery around them (aside from the dumps) was spectacular. Today that assumed quaintness is gone, replaced by monster casinos that have eaten up the available space in return for what… it’s not clear. The scenery is chewed up, and the light pollution and car traffic are horrible.
It’s really sad… not just for the folks who lose their money at these establishments, but for the places that lost their soul by allowing them to be built.
/rant
Great edition of Vega$ Bob Sponge Pants!
I especially loved the reference to “Showgirls”, one of the great films of celluloid history 😉
Cool, Wil, enjoyed the spongebob post, which inspired me to go cruisin’ around the con links. Then I saw it. Creation. AAARRRGGHHH!!! Creation sux! Don’t do creation! Just say no to Creation! Back in our heavy con-going days, before kids-n responsibility-n-shit, Creation was about the only thing going, aside from some well-meaning but piddly little independents. They knew they were the only thing going, and they let you know it. They had some con-director guy, coincidentally named Berman, who was the most arrogant asswipe I ever met in my life. His whole attitude: “You foolish mortals are all silly enough to pay all sorts of money to see these so-called celebrities and buy silly trinkets, and we will capitalize on you and talk down to you while we take your money hand-over-fist, and not bother to say thank you.” Geez, he could’ve at least used a little lubie before he… oh wait, that’s not family-friendly. And neither is Creation!!!!
Speaking of the Rat Pack. I remember a great quote from the “Dean Martin” character. More or less, he said, Sammy, the world is in a drinking binge. One day, they will wake up with one hell of a hangover and that’s when we will see that we were just the drink of the moment.” Again, ore or less, but that was the sentiment.
Wow…see what happens when I go for a weekend without checking into WWDN? More SpongeBob Vega$Pants, _and_ I get something like post #143.
Damn.
I’m lucky if I get 2 comments on any posts on my blog.
But then, I’m not Uncle Willy (SIR!). And my readership is…um…five. I think. Maybe 10 on a good day, when family _and_ friends check in.
But that’s okay. Because…
…Nomi Malone has heat. Lots if it. She rocks my world.
And my really cheesy neon-palm-tree lit swimming pool. But any more about that would push this post into NC-17 territory, so – time to stop.
I’ve never been to Vega$. Should someday. If I ever go, though, I’m going to take the gambling advice that a friend of mine gave me.
Figure out your budget. What can you afford to gamble? Take what you’re willing and able to spend (be that $50, $500, or $5000, whatever), and put it in your _right_ pocket.
When you gamble, take money out of that _right_ pocket.
When you win, put the winnings in your _left_ pocket.
When the _right_ pocket is empty – walk out of the casino.
Gambling this way, he said he usually starts with $500, usually (but not always) comes out ahead, and often walked out at least doubling what he started with.
Okay, make that post #144 (and #145). JohnnyA snuck in there ahead of me.
That bastich. 😉
Must…type…faster…
Wil..not sure if you read old bottom of the threads..but I had already emailed “those” people
before I saw your note to me..but I was nice or
at the very least civil..glad you rephrased the
page before they felt the POWER of the POSSE!
Hey THAT would make a good t-shirt/sticker! lol
first chance I’ve had to post today so bare with me, several things…
yeah, we teachers are paid too little for all we do, but at the same time I find have have more job satisfaction then some people who make ten times as much as me. hearing a kid laugh or smile at me when they “get it” makes all the crappy dinners and missed lunches worth it (most of the time) but don’t tell my boss that. and as for the fact that teachers made less 25 years ago, who didn’t? most professions have pay increases over the years because the cost of living goes up.
the corky nemic site was kinda scary. I think I am gonna have to sleep with the light on tonight. actually though you gotta support someone who says what he believes in.
I missed the sag awards last night, but congrats on the clip uncle willy.
have a good one all,
amellia
Tammy:
Sounds a little Breakfast Clubby to me. I could be wrong though. Being half-asleep and all. Mmm… breakfast.
I cannot believe that teachers are paid so little in the States. And half as much in the UK?
What the hell? Does the Governments have so little respect to the teachers of the countries
children? B****rds.
Yeah…
And someone almost always recognizes “that teacher who…” as a major influence in their lives.
Nice way of doing things around here…
If we SAY we’re focused on education…people will think we are!