Top Ten

With gratitude to jbay:

Gary Condit’s Top Ten Campaign Slogans
10. Remember me? Not too much I hope. Just enough to vote for me.
9. Let’s Put The “Adult” Back In “Adultery”
8. Vote for me … I’ve done nothing. I’m not even a suspect.
7. I have no skeletons in my closet…but you will need a warrant to look.
6. I Condid It
5. Make America’s problems disappear. Vote Condit.
4. Vote for me and see what else I can get away with.
3. We’re at war — this is no time for bickering and arguing over who killed who …
2. Do something for Gary, and he intern…er…in turn will do something for you…
1. Protect California Women — Send Gary Back to Washington!

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86 thoughts on “Top Ten”

  3. That is funnyish. 🙁 I’m going to miss this site as I’m about to be offline for a couple of months. I’ll miss you all! But when I get back, I hope I’ll have brought Condit to justice.

  4. That cocksucker’s REALLY running for reelection?
    I don’t know what that lunkhead is smoking, but I want some too.
    He’s the white version of OJ Simpson, I swear. 100% absolutely, positively innocent.
    Retard.

  5. I can’t believe this man(?) is even running. I’ll probably throw up if he wins…may have a wee bit of a problem getting fresh victims..err, interns though. I weep for the future. In light of this, I think we all owe it to ourselves to have a ‘refresher’ viewing of the Butter’s episode of South Park..if you haven’t seen this…you owe it to yourself to find it…
    “LIAR!! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW YOU GODDAMN LIAR!”

  6. That was pretty good. Sad thing is, he’ll probably get a decent number of votes…

  7. That’s hilarious! Watch out if Anderson suggests that you put your interests into some “off-shore drilling” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?) — your wife may not take too kindly to that sort of advice.

  8. Oh, my…
    It’s people like these that make me proud to be an American…
    …which is why I’m hopping a plane for England on Friday afternoon!!! (;

  9. Hey now I have nothing against Gary Condit.
    I have to conserve all my vitriolic powers for GWB & the Supreme Court. No energy left for losers like Condit.

  15. Well, it looks like he lost, but Condit had 6,130 votes, or 38 percent, proving that 38 percent of registered voters in his district are complete dumbasses.
    Speaking of dumbasses, the idiot Republicans look set to send Uber-Conservative jackass Bill Simon up against Gray Davis.
    Now, the thing is, the vast majority of Californians HATE Gray Davis (myself amongst them), but there is NO WAY that we’re going to elect a loser like Bill Simon as our governor. They should have sent Riordan. At least he’s more electable.
    Here’s the story: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20020306/ap_on_el_gu/california_primary_24&printer=1

  16. Re: “Now that’s comedy” “Oh man, my head hurts” “That’s hilarious!”
    these remarks kinda remind me of reading movie reviews on the video box
    I mean really, funny? laughed out loud?
    its more like kissed ass out loud

  17. Oh man…you know if the whole Condit thing wasn’t so sick I’d find it more funny, but I can only chuckle because he actually IS running for re-election :-\

  18. The scary thing is even here in DC, nobody really talks about the case anymore, and for months that was ALL people talked about! Even the missing persons posters are gone. I’m certain the police are still on the case, but except for a few words here and there on NPR, poof! the story is gone from the media. Sadly, it would have eventually happened even without 9/11. The press has a very short attention span. I feel badly for Chandra Levy’s parents. This will never end for them. I have a terrible feeling in a few years someone will find her remains in some remote, wooded area either in Virginia or Maryland. And we’ll probably never know what really happened to her, and whether it was Condit or some random serial killer. Brrr. Sometimes I hate being female.

  20. Our state’s going to hell… Condit gets a third of the votes (it’s Modesto though, maybe that’s an excuse?!) and Bill Simon wins! Yeah, let’s elect the hardline conservative billionaire who’s never held a public office! This is like Ross Perot actually getting elected, but he’s not nearly as entertaining (remember all those badass charts?) or moderate. The days of Gray Davis are over. If he wins, it’ll honestly be the biggest political resurrection I’ve ever seen. I can honestly see most of the more moderate republicans voting for Simon over Davis. Hell, I’m in Orange County though, so I don’t think I even know any moderates?!!

  21. LOL!!!
    Thats pretty good. I am glad that he didnt get elected, but what in the world?! 38%?!?!?!?!
    Wil, I think its time you give the people of your state a good talkin’ to 🙂
    Well…Im going to bed, in the great state of Oklahoma, where there is never any doubt who will win a given election…just look for the most republican candidate!

  22. Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but I just discovered Shatner (WFS!) re-launched (there was an old one?) his website a couple of weeks ago. Wil, it would be freaking awesome if you went over there and said hi on his bbs. I would love to see that. http://www.williamshatner.com
    Jess

  23. Maybe I’m just out of the loop, but I just discovered Shatner (WFS!) re-launched (there was an old one?) his website a couple of weeks ago. Wil, it would be freaking awesome if you went over there and said hi on his bbs. I would love to see that. http://www.williamshatner.com
    Jess

  26. Alright this is just food for thought, no judgment,
    Wil, I know how everything in the public domain is fair game, it’s just how it is. If your in the public eye, according to the law, your up for grabs, to satire, spoof, kid upon and slam if you will but here’s a thought.
    Last week I read how down you felt about that poor little girl taken from her bedroom by from what appears to be some sadistic neighbor who did horrible things to this innocent young life. If somehow the top ten list you posted referred to that guy. Would it be funny? Is Gary Condit anymore guilty than that neighbor guy, neither have been convicted of a crime.
    Now look, I really don’t care and I’m not getting on anyone, but it Shandra Levey’s parents were to somehow find this site today, would they think any different than that little girl’s parents if the top ten were “10 reasons to be juror for (that guy who took the little girl.” Shows you how much I’m really up on current events, I havn’t taken these peoples names to heart. I just wonder if Nichole Simpsons parents still run across sites that are meant to be funny about O.J. that bite them to the quick and are struck with sorrow about their daughter.
    I’m not on a high horse and actually used to be a radio d.j. and would have used the exact same list that Wil did if I thought it would get a laugh. I’ve just rethought my humor and if we are truly to change for the better, we have to decide what is truely funny.
    Randyg
    “Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here,”
    Dennis Miller

  27. Heheh he lost. Was there any doubt?
    I cant believe he got as much of the vote as he DID get. Even if he didn’t kill her, he’s CREEPY.

  28. Despite the good-natured ribbing of fellow-posters here, I still didn’t vote today. Consider it my quiet protest of a system that even ALLOWS Condit to run.
    Actually, let me rephrase: A system where Condit could be a *contender*. Politics has just become the least-evil; the best of what’s left.
    Incidentally, the last time I *DID* vote, for the record, was when Prop 215 was on the ballot. As California residents will recall, then A.G. of the state, Dan Lundgren, refused to heed the will of the voters by implementing the law we’d voted onto the books. Then the cocksucker ran for Governer.
    I understand the reactions most people have when I say I don’t vote. I wish, wish, wish I could share some of the personal experiences that have shaped my unorthodox opinion- maybe people would understand.
    I forgot why I was ranting…
    $;@)

  29. you’re looking for a governer, california? you can have ours! i’m sure mr. jesse ventura would like a nice warm vacation.

  30. Hey, you know, as far as Condit’s actions go, I don’t think we know enough to honestly be able to say that he had Levy offed. And as far as having an affair goes, that’s really between he and his wife, not he and the Californian voter. I, personally, hope he got so few votes because of his poor personal conduct in not cooperating with the police, not because of his perceived guilt or innocence. That would give me a lot more faith in the way the system is supposed to work.

  31. 11 You’ve heard of the shadow government? You’re lookin’
    at him, baby.
    12 Either show me the forensics, or shut the hell up.
    13 So, waddya think. Is that Skilling guy scarier than me or what?
    14 If I am not re-elected, HBO will cancel the Sopranos.
    15 If I were much younger, and there were still a draft, I would be proudly serving with one of our fine military organizations in Afghanistan. And you had better believe I would make Osama “disappear”, if you know what I mean.
    16 You don’t have to worry about me owing political favors to my big campaign donors.
    17 The House Democratic caucus will miss my hilarious Inspector Clouseau impersonation.
    18 I know how to solve the warm globes problem…. No! No! If a woman has a problem warming her globes…. No, that’s not it. If there are warm, no make that hot and sweaty globes, anywhere in the world that are in need of a cooling touch, I’ll be on the next plan out…. Oh hell, I’m screwed.
    19 When it comes to buying Girl Scout cookies, you better believe I’m #1 in Congress.
    20 My dog still loves me.

  32. Martrygg wrote:”And as far as having an affair goes, that’s really between he and his wife, not he and the Californian voter”
    I think being trustworthy is a trait that voters do have right to know about. Its part of public service. If he lied to his wife on a daily basis why wouldnt he lie to voters?
    Not that it would make a difference the American public. Bill Clinton was re-elected after everybody knew he was a wife cheater & a crook. He would have won a third term if he could have run again.

  34. Whenever I hear someone bragging about the fact that he doesn’t vote, I think, “What an idiot.”
    Yeah, Jeremiah, this one’s for you. You’re an idiot. If you want all the decisions made by someone else, why not move to somewhere where there’s no freedom of choice. You have no right to sit back and bitch about the state of politics in your town/county/state/nation if you aren’t doing anything to change it. The easiest thing to do is to vote. If you’re serious about wanting change, get involved at a deeper level. Find out why these people want to be your representative. Find one whose views you share and get out there and get other people excited about it. Run for office yourself. Sitting on your ass in front of the TV on election day doesn’t mean you’re smarter than anyone else. If anything, you’re surrendering your rights to people less intelligent than you are, who’ll go into the voting booth and pull the lever for the guy with the best catch phrase rather than the guy with a serious intention to make a change.
    Okay, okay, you’ve heard it all before. /rant
    (That doesn’t make you any less of an idiot for laughing it off.)

  35. Silent protest?
    The system won’t “get” your silent protest. To them you’re just one of the thousands who didn’t vote. Sure, they had their reasons too…
    If you want to protest, protest loudly, it’s the only way that a) you’ll actually have a chance to be recognized that you are protesting, and b) people will get to hear what your beef is

  37. About not voting.
    It is a valid choice, it’s called abstaining. No all we need to do is get ‘None of The Above’ or ‘Abstain’ option on the ballot…

  39. There’s no doubt that not voting is a valid option. We live in a free society, so everyone is free to do what they would like. However, the paradox of that is: should everyone decide to abstain in every election then we could end up in a society that was not free. It is not only our right to vote, but our responsibility. If there are no candidates running that you feel should win, then it’s up to you and those who feel like you do to find someone who shares your agenda and wants the position and get behind them.

  40. re: T and osric, “Thinking non-voters are idiots.”
    People who are open about their refusal to vote are idiots?
    Despite my desire to start spewing a stream of vulgarity at how incredibly asinine that statement is, I’ll keep it in check for the PG-13 gang….
    Yes, voting is a privelege–perhaps the most important privelege in a republic. At the same time, you must keep in mind what voting for someone means–it tells the government that you believe that candidate X will do a good job of representing your beliefs and interests. But what if none of the candidates running for office will reliably uphold what you think and feel, and cannot be expected to act in your best interest?
    A large group of people would suggest that you settle for whichever candidate seems most likely to do the least damage–the “least worst” candidate–and claim that “it is your moral responsibility to vote,” that “your voice must be heard,” or that “not voting is a worthless protest.”
    Bullshit.
    I would counter that it is your moral responsibility to accurately represent your thoughts and opinions with your vote. If after thoroughly educating yourself about the candidates in an election you find one who you are comfortable voting for (based on the above criteria), then vote for him/her/it/they/them. If however, you cannot with a reasonable degree of certainty be sure that any of the candidates will do a good job of representing yourself and your district, it is your responsibility to NOT vote.
    Any of you who recall my post re: patriotism a few weeks back ( http://www.wilwheaton.net/mt/archives/000928.php#000928 ) may recognize the common thread. Think for yourself, and act accordingly.
    To borrow a cliche, “to thine own self be true.”

  41. I started the above reply before Osric’s second post–just mentally erase his name from the first line of my last post, since I can’t do it physically.
    Re: Osric’s “not voting is a valid option” post, however….
    What’s the strength of a republic that it’s the best form of government? It’s a given that the gross majority of people do not vote with the greatest good in mind, only their own personal good or (worse) blindly vote along party lines.
    Personally, I often question whether the “average” voter really deserves the privelege.
    Then again, I’ve mentioned several times that I’m in favor of an enlightened dictatorship rather than the poor joke that the american republic has become.

  45. JSc –
    I too believe that there are some people out there who shouldn’t get to vote. There are people out there who shouldn’t reproduce either. But, this is America, and it’s their right as much as it is ours.
    Voting is not a privlege. It’s your right and your duty. People who choose not to vote – morons in my book. But, it’s their right to choose not to vote. We’ve all said it – no vote, no bitch. I think they know that.
    I will have to say this… Skipping a primary isn’t quite as bad as skipping the REAL election – the one that really counts. That’s when you really lose all right to bitch.

  46. WARNING! IF you guys go to the touchmonkeys link at the top of this listing, DO NOT go to the bottom of the first page and click the little “dot” links that says Oops. I had about 15 windows pop up and every time I tried to close one window, another would pop up. I ended up doing a three fingered suicide to get it to stop. Thanks, dick.

  47. Some conspiracy theory here: Maybe Condit HAD to run again. Maybe he owed it to the same *cough* [mafia type] *cough* people who made his troubles go away.
    Then again, maybe he just thinks his constituents are stupid enough to believe that he has “cooperated with the police investigation,” and he’s really not a bad guy.
    Extreme arrogance? Insanity?
    Naw. I like the mafia theory best.

  49. Hey Thespar,
    When you’ve got windows popping up all over the screen, ALT+F4 (close window) is your best friend.
    Just FYI.

  50. Actually in this case, alt/F4 would not have saved him. However, following the helpful suggestion of the previous dot that said “don’t click on the next link” would have.

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