I am officially a total geek right now.
I am listening to the Batman soundtrack (the Danny Elfman score, not that Prince monstrosity) on my PC speakers while I type this.
I think it’s appropriate, because I’m writing this morning about those really awesome days of youth, when nobody understands you, your parents are completely unreasonable, and you can’t wait to grow up.
During those days in my life, the Batman score competed with Black Celebration and Only a Lad for air time in my car. It was part of the soundtrack of my life.
Last night, I was watching the History Channel, and this commercial for some 80s super box set comes on. It’s pretty standard for an 80s collection: there’s Foreigner and Journey, as well as some Crowded House and Howard Jones (yeah, I thought that was a weird mix, too.)
While I’m watching this commercial, I start to feel this completely overwhelming sadness. This type of massive sadness that starts so deeply within me, I can’t even define its origin in a physical location. It was sadness coming out of my soul. I get this feeling that I can only describe as “hyper-nostalgia.”
So I’m sitting there in bed, my cat snuggled up to me on one side, my wife sound asleep on the other side, and I start to silently weep, as this David Fincheresque montage of childhood images and feelings races through my mind. I can feel my fear and nervousness the first morning I went to public high school in 9th grade. I can feel the excitement of standing in line to see Batman, in Westwood, at 9AM a few weeks before it opened. I see faces of friends long forgotten, and places which were teenage hangouts that don’t even exist anymore. I feel pain, love, hope…but mostly, I feel sadness and regret that is completely overwhelming.
It’s like I’m sitting in my bed, mourning the passing of my youth.
It’s not that my life is totally miserable now, it’s just so much more complicated than it was when I was a child, and I haven’t really stopped to think about that in quite some time.
I mean, I would gladly trade wondering whatever bullshit my wife’s ex-husband is going to pull today for not being able to stay out past 12 with my friends.
I would gleefully trade worrying about making mortgage payments for…well, for anything, really! 🙂
Every time I go to Paramount, I look around and I think to myself, “man, I had it so good here. Too bad I was too young and arrogant to realize that.” But that could be a series of entries, all on it’s own.
When I go up to my parent’s house, and go to my old bedroom, I can see in my mind the phantoms of my teenage years: Watchmen comics bagged and hung on the walls. Depeche Mode concert posters above my bed, where my cat Ziggy would be sleeping. Stacks of GURPS source books on the floor, and, of course, my Mac II, complete with smokin’ fast 2400 baud modem.
I miss all of these things, and writing about them now I can really feel a sense of loss, and longing. I just closed my eyes, and I could see things in my old bedroom that I haven’t thought about in years: 82 Los Angeles Kings season ticket stubs from 1988-89, taped to the wall next to my computer, underneath this simply dreadful fantasy-art poster I bought at a game con that same year. A clump of silly string mashed into the cottage cheese stuff on the ceiling, above my bed. Five book shelves, filled with VHS copies of the entire collection of 79 episodes of Star Trek.
I recently visited one of my best friends from high school, who moved into his mom and dad’s house when they moved out. It’s the same house we hung out in when we were young, but now his kids are running around in it…and I can still see the path we wore through the ivy, going up the hill to my house. The house is the same, but it’s so very, very different now.
My best friend Darin is getting married in just a few weeks. Darin and I have known each other since I was 14 and he was 16. We have done just about everything together, and crossed lots of major bridges together on our way to adulthood. I’ve been married with kids for 2 years, but never felt like it was that big a deal…it’s HIM getting married that makes me feel like we’re finally adults, with mortgages and responsibilities. When he is married, we will have crossed another major rubicon together.
So when I saw this commercial last night, it hit me: I’m turning 30 in 3 months.
Three months, man.
I am the primary father figure to two kids, one of whom will be a teenager two days after I turn 30.
A teenager, man.
I am going to be the parent to a teenager, and I’m going to be 30. I don’t know why that’s fucking with me as much as it is, but it sure is burning a lot of cycles in my brain.
Thing is, I know that I’ll be 40 someday, and I’ll look back and think, “Man, I thought things were so messed up at 30…and I was so wrong,” as I watch Ryan graduate from college, or get married, or whatever.
But right now, I miss those wonderful days in the late 80s and early 90s, when I couldn’t wait for the weekend, so I could hang out at Darin’s house and play GURPS and Illuminatti, before heading out to the movies to catch whatever crappy Lethal Weapon movie was in theatres.
I totally understand that saying about youth being wasted on the young. I guess that’s the beauty of childhood: we don’t know how tough life is going to get when we grow up, so we cavalierly waste time, blissfully ignorant of how valuable our youth is going to be to us, late one night when we can’t sleep, because we’re thinking about paying bills.
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Wow. I’ve had those moments recently. I’m 27, about to be divorced, my youngest is starting school in the fall, and where did all that time go? It seems like yesterday we were cramming into my mom’s car, blasting DM or Crowded House, on the way to Denny’s for all night coffee sessions. Now I’m cramming the kids and all their gear into the car listening to the Bob and Tom show trying to get to work/school/practice on time. But I wouldn’t trade it for a thing. Whatever issues or problems we come across, life is good, kids are great, and no matter how much effort you put into being a good parent, it’s worth it, because they give you back so much more. I miss the old days, but I wouldn’t go back.
i was told i could pass for a man of 30 when i was 17, so having looked older in a way prepared me for the inevitable, i suppose, but it’s still
a strange passage, really_ especially when some of the things you liked and identified most with
during your formative years are still relavent to
you_
Got some meaningful lyrics for ya right here:
——————————————–
Does she walk, does she talk
Does she come complete?
My homeroom, homeroom angel
Always brought me to my feet
She was pure like snowflakes
No-one could ever stain
The memory of my angel
Could never cause me pain
Years go by, I’m lookin’ through
A girlie magazine
And there’s my homeroom angel
On the pages inbetween.
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centrefold
(angel is the centrefold)
My blood runs cold
My memore has just been sold
(ner-ner-nerner-ner-ner)
Angel is the centrefold
Slippin’ me notes under the desk
While I was thinkin’ about her dress
I was shy, I turned away
Before she caught my eye
I was shakin’ in my shoes
Whenever she’d bat those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
When angel passed close by
Those soft, fuzzy sweaters
Too magical to touch
To see her in that negligee
Is really just too much
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centrefold
(angel is the centrefold)
My blood runs cold
My memore has just been sold
(ner-ner-nerner-ner-ner)
Angel is the centrefold
Na-na-nana-na-na
na-na-na nana na-na-na
Na-na-nana-na-na
na-na-na nana na-na-na
It’s okay, I understand
This aint’ no never-never land
Maybe when this issue’s gone
I’ll see you when your clothes are on
Take your car, yes we will
Take your care and drive it
Take you to a motel room
And take them off in private
Pardon me my soul has slipped
Angel from my mind is ripped
Oh well, guess I can’t deny it
Oh yeah, I guess I gotta buy it
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My angel is the centrefold
(angel is the centrefold)
My blood runs cold
My memore has just been sold
(ner-ner-nerner-ner-ner)
Angel is the centrefold
——————————————–
Says it all, really.
And of course, by “memore” I mean “memory”.
Of course.
Don’t pretend you didn’t work that one out yourself.
>>And you don’t like my rambling post or it’s tone?
“it is tone”?
Sorry, Spuds, but you put the challenge out there. You did say, though…
>>If it gets posted, you better believe I put every motherfucking character, jot, and tittle there for a reason.
If you wanna dig some holes or weed or cut branches and shit, our yard really needs it. Sunny, warm California, too.
And what’s with all the song quotations? I feel I must join in.
I scream, you scream
We all scream for ice cream
Rah, rah, rah
Sorry to disturb.
Oh, come on. it’s not that bad. This too will pass. These moments like to sneek up on us at the worst times, but come on, did you really just realize life was passing faster and faster than it ever did when you were a young’un?
Getting older is a shocking reality. Yeah, someday you’ll be as old as your parents. Enjoy 29 while you have it and enjoy 30 while you have it, cause before too long you’ll be 70 and then you’ll really have something to lament about.
Hey Wil.
Picture this. I’m 19 years old, in my prime years… and a few nights ago, I woke up from a dream which was set in January 2003, a month before my 20th. And I was already freaking out, in a strange way. I don’t even know why it freaked me out. But I think you’re holding up pretty good 🙂
Hugz, Kath
I’m just coming upto 26 and like will, i’m going through a phase where I just can’t stop thinking about all the friends i’ve lost and the good old times that are long gone, I get home from work and listen to all my old faveourite 80’s tracks and even found some websites with all the old cartoons/kids progs I used to watch and cherish, is anyone else feeling like this?
Let’s have a black celebration,
To forget the fact,
That we’ve seen the back,
Of another black day.
-Martin L Gore
Depeche Mode
Wil I feel your pain…I’m turning 31 in about 4 months and when I get feeling that ol’ nostalgia blues my wallet usualy ends up 100 bucks lighter (Amazon OWNZ me)I’ll end up getting this 80’s movie or book or music, then I’ll feel depressed. Its normal to look back and say “if I only knew then…”
oh to add to the last post I think the most disconcerting thing about turning 30-ish is going out for a beer with the guys seeing this REALLY hot college age girl and then realizeing or finding out that she “used to be” a buddys baby sister…oh christ getting old sux0rs
wow, i thought i was the only one. i recently grew out my hair for no reason i could fathom; i finally did a bit of self-analysis and realized i was striving for the 80’s “cy curnin” look i had so carefully cultivated in my youth. jeez.
i’m 80ing out bad. and it’s only getting worse. kids these days have NO idea what good music is.
Spudnuts you are ill. Demented even. I love that in a person. Rock on!
So true. So true. This aint’ no never-never land.
Maysya, it is as though you had looked straight into my soul.
Now, you got any song about pirates?
Aaaarrrgh.
Oops. Sorry Matsya, I spelt your name wrong.
Shiver me timbers. Aaarrgh.
Wil, Sounds like you’ve got some really good memories from what, for many, is a difficult time in life. Cherish those memories, and let them sustain rather than down you. Make a shit load of new good memories from the now. Balance, my man. Balance. And yard work.
wow that was so deep and meaningfull. i know what you mean though. i have a huge age gap between me and my brothers and remember what i went through at their ages. i was growing up at the same time as u and remember similar things that went on at the time.
http://reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=entertainmentnews&StoryID=869962
I am 26 and I remember a moment in my life like it was yesterday…
I was maybe 12 or 13 and the very, very first episode of “The Wonder Years” came on. I lived on a small suburban street and my room was on the 2nd floor facing the street. I opened the window on that fall day, the sun setting with a crisp cool air blowing in the window and over my bed. I turned on the tv and watched this show about a boy my age, longing to be older, longing for a first girlfriend, a first kiss, some glimpse of what his life would grow to become. I remember getting chills from the cool fall air coming in the window and being terribly sad and excited for the future to come.
Now of course I am 26, married, and have a brand new mortgage. My life is secure, my job is a dream, my wife is amazing, everything seems so perfect.
But looking back… nothing was ever so perfect as the day I realized I had a life of choices ahead of me, experiences yet to come, a cold cool breeze blowing in a window from the fall can make you think of the future of spring.
And you weren’t a total 100% geek to begin with?
KJB said:
>> “it is tone”? Sorry, Spuds, but you put the challenge out there.
Eye mint too due that.
WE all have crossed the gauntlet…to the victor
will go the spoils..(now whoever would want THAT
anyway?)
Wil:
Would you really want to relive all of the mistakes you’ve made? Don’t be like Cher, on a recent interview, she said there was nothing good about growing older. There is something to be said about wisdom. I want to be like Orson Welles in reverse, I want to make a great movie like Citizen Kane, but not when I’m in my 20’s but rather in my 60’s! I will make no movie until it is time. Come on now, just because you’re not a kid anymore doesn’t mean you can’t fly a kite!
Wil,
You are seriously bringing the dot net down. I can understand that you feel sad because you miss your youth. But at least you have a youth to miss. You have all these great memories of family and friends and good times. Times when things were easier. Just to put things in perspective, be glad you have those memories. For many of us don’t have memories of a happy youth. I’m not looking forward to 30 myself but I am looking forward to putting more time and distance between me and an unhappy childhood. For every ying, there is a yang. For every bullshit thing your wife’s ex does, you have at least 7 (and I know you do) amazing, spectacular moments of love and bliss with Ann, Nolan and Ryan. So while I recognize your (and everyone’s)right to have an occasional moment of self-pity, pull yourself out of it and focus on some of the incredible feats of everyday life. One of them being the creation of this funny, intelligent, emotionally connected community of people from all over.
Well, I understand, Wil. I’m 31. Wife, kid, one kid on the way. And while being grown up now has a lot of worries and responsibilities, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Yeah, my childhood was full of those lazy summer days kicking back on the lake, or trading baseball cards with pals, but man, I’m so glad to never have to date again. Or get teased in school. Or have friends turn their backs on you and make new friends. I think some of those childhood times were relatively as worrisome as paying bills and taking care of the kids, you know? I know what you mean, though. Days gone by – my mom said it best. “Those were the good old days. We just didn’t know it then…”
~*blinks and stares*~ Wil, I don’t know you… nor do I know anyone else who has posted here (Well except for Stuffie, she sent me here), but I am sitting here during my office hours, between classes with tears in my eyes after having read your post along with the majority of responses you have recieved.
Yes, embrace the future and blah blah blah… but I have been mourning the past for the past two months since my 25th birthday, since I realized that I am one of the only members of my graduating class that hasn’t “settled” or simply accepted what their life path was set to. I’m not quite sure who I really am to be honest… All I know is that I feel like everyone has grown up without me, and I’m still stuck in Acedemia persuing my PhD. ~*shrugs*~ If it makes you feel any better, perhaps it isn’t the age that induces the onset of nostalga, but the realization that you have lost your innocence…
Safe journies…
Dawn
Shit Wil, I’ll be 30 in October, and I know what you are going through. Just remember a few facts:
1. You are still young.
I had to ram this one home to myself, and I guess its a mid-midlife crisis of sorts. I kinda felt the same trepidation when I turned 25.
2. Don’t Feel Young? Join a Gym!
I mean really, what is youth anyway? Endless amounts of energy and no responsibilities. You can at least try to get one of those things back.
3. We are Generation X. Resistance is Futile.
Don’t forget that you are the very essence of generation x. Our scathing dry humour, our entreched cynism, our unique awareness of just how fucked things are around us. The difference is, now we can bring about meaningful change. I’m sure your involvement in the EFF leaves you with a superior, righteously arrogant attitude – SAVOR IT. We were right about many problems – we made our opinions heard, and now people are seeing the consquences.
4. You still LOOK YOUNG.
Isn’t that really important, anyway? Thanks to advances in skin care, as well as sports medicine, etc, injuries and conditions that used to separate the old and young are blurred. If this was the 1800’s, I’d be walking with a bad limp, if I was lucky to be walking at all. Instead, I can do 20 reps of 200lbs on the inverse leg press. Isn’t science great?
5. You have a family.
Many people can’t afford children until their mid thirties, and then miss out on so much – like grandchildren, for example. Others who do have children, usually by accident, have sealed their fates – a stop in education, taking menial, “safe” jobs, not taking any risks, really, surrendering their youth for the sake of their children. You were lucky enough not to see the potential dark side of that.
Listen,
30 is not really old. Its an abstract representation of how your body’s clock synchs with others born on the same day. Granted, many people who are 30 look 40, but still, many people who are 30 look 20. Just remember: alcohol free skin balm and hi quality eye cream, and you’ll look fine until your first plastic surgery.
Feel better.
Danny Elfman kicks so much ass.
Spudnuts said:
>>Eye mint too due that.
Gotcha, big guy.
Rock on, Spuds.
OK.
I’m going to try to keep this as brief as possible, because some of this has already come up in previous posts.
I just hit 39. Chances are my life is half over.
My life has turned out nowhere close to what I expected.
I struggle every day with that fact, and try to find a way out of it. They way out is there,but I’m too complacent/lazy/scared to take that path.
So much for the road less traveled.
I’m married with two kids, but that’s no excuse. I could still follow my dreams and ensure their future. Smaller house and all that.I still have time to change. I plan to change. It gets tougher to do so every year, but it’s not too late.
Here’s my point, Wil. You’re young. You’ll always be young if you choose to be. If you’re truly in a loving relationship with your wife and kids (and yes, I have a stepfather, and he is, for all practical purposes, my father), then none of this other BS matters. Don’t despair. Do what’s right. You’ll ultimately be rewarded. Keep the faith.
Greg
Sweet, Im 4 days older then u junior.
hey…At first I thought this was one of those 1st person fansites…but it really seems to be the real deal. So, I just wanted to say I really admire a celeb who keeps a journal/blog like a “normal person” or whatever.
I am a journaler myself. So, keep it up, it’s solid reading.
…and…you have great taste. just to let you know.
Well, as long as you keep your memories everythings ok.
Like many others here i
Know what you mean. Just went to my old highschool two days ago. Of all the things I could think about there and remember, I believe the one I miss the most is myself.
“Of all the different prisms and myriads one can use to look at a certain reality, I believe the one I hate the most is time”
Cesar A.
Hey W, I’ve been 30 since last November and I have a step-daughter GRADUATING high school in a couple months. My step-son is almost 16 and has a driving permit, and my own daughter just turned 9. And I’ve been going through a lot of what you’re describing… and you know what? Just knowing I’m not the only one helps a lot. Not that I thought I was the only one, but it’s helpful hearing someone else say it when you feel it. Thanks for being such a badass that you can openly talk about your hyper-nostalgia, and I hope you find your funny…
First post here but I have been reading for a few months now.
I will be 30 in a year and 2 months but I feel it coming already. My wife and I have been married almost a year and now all of my buddies are getting married.
There will probably be more days like the one you described but take heart and throw in a Cure cd or a old B52’s tape and jam on!
I think of how I’m done playing the dating game, get out the Atari 2600… play a lil Warlords with the fellas and throw back a few beers and every thing is okay.
Like Hannibal said… “I love it when a plan comes together.”
Hey Wil,
I just read Michael J. Fox’s book ‘Lucky Man’. Here’s a guy who has gone through all the insecurities of being an actor, who has a wife and family he loves, and who is looking back from 40 – ten years ahead of you and me.
It’s pretty comforting. And funny. Even though he has a debilitating, chronic disease. Life’s weird that way.
You might enjoy the book.
jw
PS Sounds like we’re almost exactly the same age. It’s an achievement to have got this far and to still be healthy, sane and relatively well-adjusted. This used to be maximum life-expectancy…
It makes me sad that you can feel so much regret at the passing of time when you’ve accomplished so much. It’s so surreal to read a post like this about the landmarks about your youth when you were one of the landmarks of mine. It does reassure me a little, though, because it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who looks at my life sometimes and wonders if maybe there could be anything more.
Y’know I spent most of my twenties dropping in and out of college, between stints of unemployment. Thanks to my girlfriend, who I met when I was 25, I actually finished my degree (even though I didn’t get a job). I finally got a job when I was 29, a christmas temp (which then became permanent) in an electronics store. Believe me, I was depressed, spending the last couple months of my twenties catering to obnoxious customers and having to do the work thing.
But I survived turning 30. I never did do the things I would like to have done, but two and half years later I am 5 months from qualifying as a registered nurse. My life certainly isn’t perfect, and htere are still dreams I would like to fulfil, but probably never will. But the thing is, my life IS good. I touch a lot of people’s lives, and I (usually) have a positive effect on them. Sure, I see a lot of the bad things too, but I try to keep the good stuff upfront.
I guess it’s no revelation to say that our own lives are often defined by the other lives we touch, and the effect we have on them. And at the end of the day, if we can say we had just one positive effect on even one other life, then we can rest easy.
OK, so maybe that’s simplistic, and maybe it’s naive. I don’t pretend to have any easy answers to life, but this works for me 🙂
“Hyper-Nostalgia”. Good phrase-coining.
I think everyone goes through this, at least in one way or other. Mourning Lost Youth and Innocence and All.
Unfortunately, time stops for no one, but the adjustments we have to make in the transition from Human Was to Human Being can be difficult to handle.
At least for me, anyway.
And don’t sweat the alleged “washed-up” status. You’re only washed up when you let yourself give up. Sometimes you’re just in a holding pattern without realizing it.
Christ. I’m really not good at the “supportive” thing. I’m much better at the “cheesy” thing.
Good luck….
Wil,
First time writing here but I hope you can get down to this comment amongst all the ones above. I am a Disney employee here in Orlando and after spending 22 years with the company, I can share one thing…
It never gets old, it only gets lets apparent.
You can still enjoy all the things you have in life, no one, especially society or the status quo should ever direct your efforts or abilities.
I have many times thought about leaving the MOUSE but found that who can beat this job? It still reminds me to think young and not to be embarassed about it.
I know it may not be much but if you want to come to Orlando to enjoy the parks, please feel free to look me up.
I think we can make your time here a “moment of Zen” for you and a bonding moment for you and Ryan, and a relief for you wife to see you as the man that she STILL regards as charming and witty and youthful.
Anyway, that is my two cents… Peace!!!
Laterz,
Nick
Take it from a 45 year old man, IT NEVER ENDS! You’ll always look back at your life, no matter what bullshit people tell you about “Wait til your (enter age here)”.
Music of your earlier years will bring on the nostalgia and all the emotions that come with it. But it’s really a good thing to look back at the good times. Times when you didn’t have a care in the world (or very few).
I can’t tell you how many times an old song like Pink Floyds “Ticking Away The Moments” popped up and emotions swelled up deep inside. I start thinking of the old friends and girlfriends, the old “romping grounds”. The good ol’ days. It’s in us all. It’s normal. It’s a part of life, it’s what makes us who we are.
And we have all thought or said “if only I could go back and change some things”.
Ah, nostalgia, sweet bittersweet nostalgia……
i know exactly what you mean.exactly.
Missed this post when it was new — I must not have been reading WWDN yet. I got all weirded out when I followed the “hypernostalgic” link and then saw Batman — seven years ago, my first Big Paper in academia was about a phenomenon I called hypernostalgia (different meaning than the way you’re using it), and the way it’s reflected in Batman: http://ktepi.freeservers.com/batmanpaper.html
Wacky.
I understand that feeling of losing something, but I do not think it is so much youth as it is just the good ole days. I myself never had a youth. I had an abusive, drunkin father who cared more for the booze then his own children. My parents divorced, but still I suffered much trama and so my school career was wreaked. I was the man of the house at age 10 and I literally had to raise two brothers and a mother, who was 17 when she had me. With the events in my life you would think that I would have turned out to be one of those statistics, but in fact that was not the case. I grew stronger because my grandfather who died when I was 8 gave me a good foundation. He took the place of my father and through his teachings made me a stronger person I truely believe whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. I am now married and trying to finish my degree if I can just only get the money to live and pay the bills. But anyway to the point. I had no childhood and a few years ago (I turn 30 next year by the way) I started having those same feelings of sadness and could not quite put my finger on it. Then one day it hit me. It is not the loss of childhood nor my childhood itself that I missed, but rather the times and adventures that I had. I had a good bunch of friends and we had many adventures and many exciting times. When you are grown up you have adventures, but they are just somehow different. Maybe because when you grow up then so do your friends and without your friends the adventures seems lifeless somehow. Well perhaps lifeless is not the word, but maybe just not the same. We as humans tend to hate change, because change is a sign of growing up and growing old. Well I have took up enough of everyones time.
Dave Brown
[email protected]